Please recommend either a full set/kit that I could purchase or components of a kit that I could buy separately! (Latter would be preferred I think!) 🙇🏻♀️🙇🏻♀️ It is a birthday gift for my partner. He has expressed interest in whittling/carving because he collects nice pocket knives but I don’t think those are proper tools for the hobby. I briefly looked into it but I’m overwhelmed by options- a search for kits on this subreddit suggested a lot of good looking options for around the $30-50 range but I’m looking to spend more on tools that are very nice quality, that you’d be able to feel, and that look nice since they’re a gift. Still beginner friendly though.
I think I’d like to purchase maybe a couple nice knives separately and then a few blocks of wood so he can have more options than just the 1 that comes with most of the kits I see? (And of course there’s other stuff like sharpening tools and hand protection which I will do more research on)
Any help is appreciated thanks so much!!
Metal models are okay, and I know that some people really like them. However, my experience with Warlord's metal minis has been very poor over the past year. In my personal opinion, a large portion of Warlord's metal models are difficult to build and lack a lot of detail. Plus, the availability of metal minis is pretty bad here in the US. It's hard to find a lot of Warlord's metal minis for a decent price, and most stores in my area either don't have them or overprice them pretty heftily.
Typically, if I want to find a metal model kit, I have to go directly through Warlord Games, which requires me to pay an excessive amount in shipping fees (which sometimes cost more than the model itself). I also sometimes wait for good deals on eBay or Amazon, but those can be as scarce as the models themselves.
Overall, I just wish that Warlord would make the permanent switch from metal to plastic. It would make my participation in the hobby a whole lot easier, because I like to build lots of different armies from different factions and periods. Also, Warlord's resin/plastic kits are almost always in stock and sold for a fair price here in the US. I don't know if that has to do with supply or ease of production, but they have far greater availability than their metal counterparts.
Tried searching this subreddit for relevant posts but didn't see much, please feel free to point me to existing advice!
My spouse just informed me that he and his partner broke up this morning. What's the usual "hey sorry your relationship ended, empathy and comforting thoughts in your general direction" protocol here?
Context for this specific situation, I've known both parties for several years and they intend to figure out the transition to friendship and continue collaboration on their mutual hobbies. Ex-meta is a dear friend of mine so I will feel strange not reaching out in a supportive way, but I understand that it might be a tricky needle to thread as I'm still married to her now-ex.
[This is an aftermath sequel to Sanctuary
. Please read it for context.]
Humans could get used to anything, given enough time and patience.
Intellectually, I am aware that I used to be Human, that prior to my exit from the dungeon, I'd had an entirely different life, that everything I knew from my past was a convenient lie to keep me trapped and servile.
There are many fanciful tales of Humans being taken, and through sheer willpower recalling their past lives and successfully destroying a dungeon's Core.
I know better, and I tell that to every would-be Adventurer who walks in through those doors.
When we were safely out of danger, John, Jimmy, and myself had come to an impasse on how to proceed. My entire life was gone, I was a monster, pure and simple, and even standing benignly in town got me more than a few terrified looks.
Dungeon Withdrawal is not unlike recovering from an addiction, I had to be locked up in a cell because every now and again, I got violent, demanding a Human to take me to the nearest dungeon.
The irony was not lost on me as I was indeed brought to a
They kept me fed on a ration of meat and milk, both of which tasted horrible to me, because a dungeon sustains its monsters through mana, it's why several vicious monsters could coexist without killing each other.
But as it ran its course, the food began to taste better, and though they kept me for a week longer than necessary, once I was fully removed from the dungeon's influence, I was free to go.
John and Jimmy couldn't stay, they still had their own lives to live, and returning home victorious with both their manhoods intact was certainly going to make their lives easier.
They took one fourth of the loot each, at my direction, during one of my more lucid moments, and they ensured the Adventurer's Guild kept my half safe for me.
When I went to the Guild for my loot, it was given to me, coinage exchanged for viable currency, offers made on magic items that I staunchly refused to sell until I knew what I was going to do with my life.
Plus, that dagger is mine, I killed for it.
Because I didn't have any life to return to, the only clue being a letter that meant nothing to me taken from the body of a brother whose memory was utterly gone, save for the fact that my first and only look at him was a split skull and the look of fear in his eyes.
I didn't mention the funerary cannibalism to anyone, even if I didn't have any issue with it, the Humans certainly did and dragged me away from the body before I could even begin to explain.
It was the least I could do for someone who had once meant something to me.
The Guild also offered me a job, Monstrous Adventurers were valuable, they couldn't be taken by a dungeon with the right protections- and I had those protections tattooed beneath my scales- and their innate understanding of how a dungeon worked gave most adventuring parties an edge.
Plus, dungeon Cores were pretty, and could do practically anything if you removed it and bound it to you. Which I did. More on that later.
They had a Grandmaster Wizard try to recall my memories, he couldn't, the letter only indicated an empty house with very little of note or value to me, but since it was mine, I sold it for a modest sum.
It was a pair of brothers who entered the Guild, the sight of them joking and laughing dredging up unpleasantly sad emotions that had nothing attached to them except whatever remained of love for a brother that I had.
"We're here to register." The older of the two called out, completely missing the fact that I was there.
"Do you have an entry fee?" I asked as I climbed the step-ladder to address them. They screamed, I yelled, they screamed even louder. It was good fun, I liked scaring Humans.
"Now that you've sufficiently hurt my ears, do you have an entry fee?"
"It's a little lizard thing!"
"Kobold!" I snapped. "I am a Kobold, and you will stop acting like a bloody arse or I will have you thrown out so you can calm down!" Latent hatred for Humanity aside, I didn't have a particularly good temper, and when stabbing was a more efficient way to get your point across, I wasn't allowed my dagger.
They elected to calm down. Progress. They approached cautiously, as all newcomers do, and said, in a hesitant voice. "We're here to register?"
"Congratulations, you've echoed something I've already heard twice. Allow me to echo something a third time. Do. You. Have. An. Entry. Fee?"
"Entry fee?" He asked.
"Yes. An entry fee guarantees you basic armor and weaponry properly assigned for your roles. Without one, you will have to provide your own. The entry fee is fifty silvers."
"We, uh, we don't have enough for that." The younger said.
"We, uh, also don't have any weapons." The elder added.
"Bloody brilliant. You Humans cease to amaze me. Come this way, I can give you a quick job to earn enough to pay. You're going to need this."
I led the duo to a door, this was my
door, because before I got a job here, it did not exist.
"Are either of you familiar with dungeon Cores?" I asked.
"They're really powerful." The eldest said with a nod.
"They create dungeons?" The younger asked uncertainly.
I sighed. I really did not have the patience for this. "Beyond this door is a dungeon. It is my
dungeon. I aided a party in destroying a dungeon and claimed the core after giving them free rein on the loot."
I opened the door, which led into a recreation of the dungeon I had once called home. That was largely due to the fact that the same dungeon Core that dwelt in this one had come from that one. "Dungeons are graded based on what they create. This is a Grade 1 Dungeon. It is the safest and easiest of dungeons to survive in, and because it is under my command, this one is even safer."
I paused, making sure they understood.
"This dungeon does not have many monsters in it. This makes it the kind where, if you stay too long inside, you become a monster. This is something I cannot change, and I keep it this way because there are people who simply want a completely fresh start. There are ten Kobolds in this dungeon, they are the ones who did not get out in time, even with my help."
"Why are you showing this to us?" The older brother asked.
"Because it is the most expedient way for you to earn enough to pay for the fee, or to find enough armor and weapons to kit yourself out. The Kobolds in this dungeon are passive, but become hostile if you start taking things. Killing them is allowed, I can resurrect them without issue. But do bear in mind they used to be Humans."
I paused again, they nodded.
"You will experience the beginnings of the dungeon claiming you after one hour inside, this will manifest in growing scaly patches, your limbs becoming non-Human..." I explained the process of being claimed, which I described in exact detail. "After twelve hours, if you fail to return, you will be claimed, your memories utterly destroyed, and your will belonging to the dungeon Core."
I looked at both of them. "Now, would you like to opt for a cleaning job instead?"
"Once you lose your memories, you cannot retrieve them." I warned as I led them through the dungeon. I had given them both a dagger to defend themselves, once they staunchly insisted on doing things the expedient way.
They were going to run this dungeon regardless, but under easier terms.
"I was minutes away from being claimed, and I only got out because I had given a pair of Humans a bag of loot that I was damned and determined to retrieve."
I stopped at the first intersection and turned around. I stomped one of my feet. "Now, unless you want to become Kobolds- which I will happily oblige- you will navigate this dungeon by yourselves. I will be observing you, ensuring you don't die, but I won't prevent you from being injured."
I teleported to the Core, its glossy blue surface growing translucent as I observed the Humans running through the hallways.
I raised the floor a step, causing them both to stumble and fall to the floor. "You have triggered a trap." I said. "You are dead now."
They pushed themselves up and kept going. I set a few traps ahead, non-lethal ones, ones designed to capture and hold. The elder brother fell into a small pit, just high enough that he couldn't climb out on his own. The younger brother immediately helped him out.
"Excellent instinct." I said. "Your survival in a dungeon depends on your capacity to cooperate and protect one another."
I directed a Kobold toward their direction. They weren't mindless, certainly intelligent, but utterly incapable of being removed from the dungeon, even if I tried. Severing them simply killed them, returning their mind and soul to the core.
I told him there were intruders who were after our shinies, he immediately attacked.
They were cognizant of what this dungeon was meant to be, a home for myself, and a place to train Adventurers. They understood this intellectually, but they were fanatical when it came to protecting what the dungeon produced.
Even I still got a little grumpy, seeing Humans grabbing my treasures. Generally, the angrier I was by the end of the run, the better their grade.
The Kobold attacked with a dagger. Their duty was to incapacitate and imprison Humans so that they became Kobolds. I let the Humans out, of course, unless they were too far gone by that point, at which point I simply gave them the choice of staying or leaving.
Most people were surprised they elected to leave, though they always came back after they were severed.
The elder brother kicked the Kobold, knocking him down and making him drop the dagger. I watched, and shook my head when they ran.
The Kobold pushed himself up, scooped up his dagger, and went into a side tunnel, moving through the walls and catching up to them. He ambushed them, leaping from the inside of a wall and tackling the younger brother, dagger already jabbing into his side.
The elder brother immediately moved to protect his sibling, and this time, he didn't hesitate to kill.
"The Kobold you just killed is the same one you left alive." I said, the elder brother tensed, horrified. "Understand, you cannot assume you will outrun an enemy, your brother's blood is on your hands, he has paid for your choice."
It was brutal, but it was an important lesson.
I moved a chest and a mimic near them. The mimic was a mindless construct, set to devour or entrap.
The elder brother helped his sibling stand, removing the dagger.
"Congratulations, you have now ensured his stab wound is bleeding freely, in any other dungeon, without any form of healing, this would be a death sentence. Do not remove daggers until you can treat the wound."
He began to panic, looking for anything that would save his brother, likely forgetting I wasn't going to kill them. He spotted the chest and the mimic and rushed over to them. I set up some non-lethal traps, to remind him not to hurry. I even had one resemble a mimic opening up to capture him.
He triggered them all, but managed to avoid getting hit. He hesitated at the chest and mimic.
He took off one of his boots, letting out a sharp cry of shock as he saw his little toe had transformed. He gingerly touched it, the dungeon Core fed him pleasant sensations to make him want to stay.
Particularly weak-willed Humans would find themselves enjoying the sensations, not realizing that they were becoming monsters, until it was too late.
He pulled his hand back, still unsettled, and threw the boot.
The mimic triggered instantly, grasping at the air in front of it before resetting, taking the boot with it. He took the other boot off, letting out a cry of distress as he saw all of the toes on that foot had already transformed. He threw the boot at the other chest, determined it was safe, and opened it.
The trap struck him in the torso, flinging him backward.
"Remember, your brother is currently sitting on the floor, bleeding, an easy target for the Kobold who's heading in your direction." I said. That was a flat-out lie, but it got him moving. He checked the chest, took out a red potion, and ran for his brother.
He gave the potion to him, the wound sealed shut.
"I'm not evil." I said. "I ensured you would have a means of healing your brother. At the same time, never drink a potion you cannot identify. That could have just as easily been a potion of transformation, or even poison."
"What's a potion of transformation do?" He asked.
"Costs you an hour." I replied. "Outside of a dungeon, it just flat out turns you into a monster. One with memories intact, mind you, but a monster nonetheless."
His brother healed, he led him carefully to the chest and they grabbed the armor within. It was piecemeal, a single pauldron, a breastplate, and a ring.
The younger brother got the breastplate, which shrunk to fit him, the brother wore the pauldron, and picked up the ring. This was a Ring of Binding, it accelerated the process of transformation, it is a cursed item.
I sensed someone entering my dungeon, it was the Guild Master. I teleported him to me. An old man, he was one of the strongest men in the Guild, and that was only because old age had worn him down.
"Prospective members?" He asked.
"Yes, sir." I replied. The older brother stowed the ring in his pocket. "Good instinct, never wear unidentified magic items." They continued, the elder brother removing his ruined socks and going barefoot. They slowed down, started paying attention to their surroundings.
"Do you expect them to survive this?" He asked.
"I do not interfere, Guild Master." I said. "Unless I absolutely have to or it's necessary to teach them a lesson." I looked at him. "The younger brother will absolutely make it out fine, the elder brother might, if he doesn't put on that ring. The moment he puts it on, he would have to run and avoid every threat between him and the exit."
The Guild Master nodded. "I expect-"
That was when the younger brother collapsed.
Dungeonrunning is extremely dangerous, even in this 'tame' one, death was possible.
The younger brother was still alive, but he had certainly fallen unconscious.
"No! Not now!" The elder brother shouted.
"What condition is the younger in?" The Guild Master asked, concerned. I reached out and felt his energy, his soul.
"He has a condition that causes him to faint." I replied. "One that is treatable with medicine, and expensive magic." I shook my head. "He should not have brought his brother with him, now he has dead weight he has to protect.
"Hey! Kobold! Can you help me?" The elder brother asked.
"No." I said. "Interference is not permitted by Guild regulation unless absolutely necessary. Your brother is not dying, he is not in any present danger of death. However, he is along the same level of change as you."
The brother looked desperate. "If I have to rescue him, he will be considered unfit for the job. Indeed, his condition may be serious enough that we could not- in good conscience- put him in anything but a clerical position."
Now, the question remained if the brother was sensible, or stupid.
Given that he almost immediately chose to lift him up and carry him on his back, stupid was the answer.
"A shame." The Guild Master remarked.
I moved some Kobolds in their path, the Guild Master raised his brow. "Are you intentionally sabotaging his progress?" He asked in mock offense.
"It's only sabotage if you intend for them not to succeed." I said. "If he's willing to risk his brother's safety instead of forfeiting his brother's chances of joining the Guild, then he will have to live with the consequences of his actions."
The Kobolds set up an ambush, creating a noticeable fake trap that the elder brother would have to walk around to avoid. To their utter shock, as well as mine, he just ran across it.
"Did he intuit the trap was fake, or was he just that bullheaded?" I asked as the Kobolds moved to intercept. They got ahead of him, prepared an ambush, and the moment he was close, they jumped out, punching and kicking him and cackling with glee.
"I still find it disturbing how monsters delight in Human suffering." The Guild Master remarked.
"Quiet, this is the best part." I said. They tied the elder brother up and dragged the unconscious younger brother into a panel. He screamed out a name. "Daniel!"
"I'm giving him half an hour before I fail him." I said. "That should be enough time to determine his competence."
The elder brother, legs bound together, arms behind his back, began to desperately inch away from where he'd been put, toward the dagger that he had dropped. I nodded approvingly, that was a sensible plan. But then he inched past
it and deliberately triggered a trap.
I gaped in absolute shock as the trap sliced cleanly through the ropes, barely missing his wrists. He then got up, grabbed the dagger, and freed himself.
"Resourceful lad." The Guild Master remarked. "Yet his brother has been abducted."
The brother went toward the wall they'd taken Daniel, who was already halfway across the dungeon and heading straight for the holding cells. One of them requested to grab a Transformation Potion to speed things up.
"Reserve that for later." I said. "I want to see how the elder brother handles this."
The brother in question gave up, and began searching around desperately for something. There was a chest nearby with a proper sword and more armor, even a non-cursed magic item and a scroll. He kept searching, keeping his hand along the right wall, until he found it.
"He has an uncanny sense of what he's doing." The Guild Master remarked. "He might be an untrained time mage."
"That would explain the bravado with the fake trap and the willingness to push forward. He might not even be aware of why he's doing what he's doing." I remarked. He threw one of his ruined socks at the chest- "He still had those!?" I yapped- and proceeded to dig through its contents.
By now, his feet were fully Kobold, with his legs beginning to accommodate. He would be off balance for a while.
"Greaves, bracers, a standard short-sword, a werewolf's skin, and a scroll." The Guild Master remarked. "Not a bad find for a dungeon of this caliber."
Werewolf skin was a fun item that turned the wearer into a monster. The effect was effectively the same as being in a newly formed dungeon, and was meant to bring about some diversity to to the monster population.
It was also one of the few ways a monster could return to Human form, if it merged with them.
"Ragnar is a Werewolf, isn't he?" I asked.
"Aye, he is. He's been looking for one of those for his wife."
The brother seemed to know what it was, or at least, what its properties were, and tossed it back into the chest, that's when he pulled out the cursed ring.
"He's going to be sorely disappointed." The Guild Master remarked. "That's a Ring of Binding if I've ever seen one."
The scroll burst into flames, and he looked at the ring, wincing as his mind was filled with knowledge he didn't have before. He stared at the ring in his hand, clearly disappointed by the fact that it was utterly-
"Did he just put it on!?" The Guild Master sputtered. He was right, the brother had put the ring on and was beginning to transform faster. He then opened the wall panel and began following along the path the Kobolds had gone.
"Pull him out." The Guild Master commanded. "You've engineered a desperate situation, and we can clearly see he's not capable of rational thought in such instances."
"No." I said. "Look." The brother was stepping out of the walls, grabbing gear and other items, before going back in. "Kobolds are innately good at dungeoneering. Even in a foreign dungeon, we can figure out where we are in relation to everything else. But in your native one, especially one that's actively claiming you..."
"He's deliberately doing what he can to salvage the situation." The Guild Master remarked. "How much time does he have left?"
"Approximately one hour before the transformation is irreversible, so thirty minutes with the Ring of Binding on." I ran the time in my head. "Even if he manages to rescue his brother in time and gather enough gear for the both of them, by the time we could remove the ring, he would already be a Kobold."
The brother got as much armor on as he could, continued making his way to the holding cells, where Daniel was already bound, the transformation proceeding just as slowly as normal.
His eyes opened, he shifted around on the table, unable to get out.
That's when he began to grow fur.
"He's a Werewolf." I said numbly.
"If his brother doesn't get him out, he'll be a Kobold Werewolf." The Guild Master remarked. "Those are technically among the more powerful of the moderately dangerous monsters, all of the strengths of a Werewolf, plus the innate understanding of a dungeon? Terrifying creatures."
"Don't give me ideas." I said. "Ragnar needs a gift for his wife still, right?"
I moved the chest with the Werewolf Skin over to me and, wincing at the idea of taking it out and removing it from the dungeon, put it into my bag.
The brother was almost there, and Daniel was undergoing a transformation.
"Going unconscious suddenly is a commonality with natural born Werewolves," The Guild Master remarked. "He's still in danger of being claimed by the Dungeon, but this is something he is naturally."
The younger brother broke his restraints, and with a feral growl lunged at the Kobolds, tearing them to shreds and beginning to eat them.
"Ferality, not a good sign." I remarked. "Go get Ragnar ready, I'm on retrieval."
I teleported the Guild Master out, then the elder brother, who looked around in confusion.
"Out. Now. There is an emergency." I said. He ran out of the dungeon, and then I teleported Daniel to the entrance, where he bolted out into the Guild Hall.
I teleported over and saw Ragnar wrestling with Daniel, keeping him pinned to the ground while the older brother stared in confused horror.
"You have ten minutes before your transformation becomes irreversible." I said. He looked at me, "Nine, if you keep staring at me like that."
"What's wrong with my brother? Why is he like that?" He asked.
"Congratulations, you and your brother are natural-born Werewolves, which explains why you had such good flashes of intuition in there, and why you refused to abandon him. Eight minutes."
He held his hand out, but then brought it in, holding it against his chest.
"I don't particularly care if you want to be a Kobold- in fact, I welcome it, we need more Kobolds in this city- but if you do, and you don't want to be, then let me take the ring off."
"I... don't really want to." He said. "All I could think of when I saw the first changes was, I wanted it to go faster."
"Ah." I said. "Well, then. You were doomed from the start. Lovely. Once you're finished with that ring, we'll have it on your brother so he can finish transforming and calm down. Since you're out of the dungeon, you should be relatively safe, but for both of your sakes, we'll need to hold you for a while.
Ragnar finally got Daniel to calm down, he was whimpering, clearly experiencing pain.
"Aye, pup, let it all out." Ragnar said, gently petting his fur. "There's a good pup, inner peace, lad." Daniel started thrashing about again. "Inner peace, not outer squirm!"
"Also, yes, this does count as failing." I said to the elder brother. "However, due to the circumstances- and the fact that your brother would have doubtlessly been a mindless beast if left in there- the Guild Master will talk to you about your options after your holding period."
He nodded. His transformation finished, I clapped him on the back, took the ring, and- with Ragnar's help, got it on the Werewolf pup's finger so he could get it over with faster.
Once the two were in holding, I walked over to Ragnar, pulled out the Werewolf Skin from my bag, and held it out to him.
"You know what to do with this." I said.
He looked surprised, then nodded, taking it. "Aye, lad. I do."
I thought about what other things I needed to do. "Oh, right. I need to resurrect the Kobolds." I said, before walking into my dungeon.
It did take about a week for Daniel to finally calm down.
At first, there was some concern that the nature of his transformation had left him potentially feral, but the morning he was meant to be let out, he was in Human form
I was the one who went in, covered him with a blanket, and put some spare clothes out for him.
"Where am I?"
"A holding cell." I said.
I heard him shoot up, accompanied by a sound I was familiar with, in that his fur suddenly floofed up. "W-what happened to me!?" He howled in fear.
"You are a Werewolf." I said matter-of-factly. I looked at him, he was looking at his claws with a mixture of horror, fear, and joy. I had vague feelings of that same mixture of emotions. "More specifically, at least one of your parents was a Werewolf."
"Wait, then is Jason-?"
"He became a Kobold." I replied. "He used an item to speed up the transformation so he could rescue you. If you had maintained your sanity in that moment, I would not have interfered. But you didn't, and you are going to need training to keep yourself in check whenever you're scared or angry."
"I- see." He said.
"For what it's worth, you won't pass out anymore, so your reason for coming has ultimately resolved itself."
"What's going to happen to Jason?" He asked.
"The same thing that happened to me. He will live." I replied. "He has retained his memories, due to accepting that he was likely going to be lost, just to save you. Even though he could
have forfeited at any point like I told him."
"Aye, Kobold, is he safe?"
"Yes." I said.
The door opened, Jason stepped inside, then ran over to his brother and hugged him. "Little big brother, meet big little brother." I snarked.
They both looked at me, and then they laughed. I let them have some time together, to talk and acclimate.
After their reunion, I brought them with me to the Guild Master.
"So." He said. "You have a few options. One, we tattoo dungeon protections on you and have you sign on to helping clearing out dungeons, or two, we let you go, except you return every week so Ragnar can train you to keep yourself under control."
"Dungeon protections?" Jason asked.
I nodded. "We are monsters." I said. "Without the proper protections, a new dungeon can claim you, making you a part of its system." I looked at them both. "I don't think it need said why you should refrain from going inside dungeons without it."
"What happens to those who do?" Daniel asked.
"The dungeon claims them." I said. "They lose their memories of their past life, becoming convinced they always lived in it. They become trapped inside, forever."
They both looked at each other, then looked at us. "We, uh..." Daniel started.
"We actually wanted to go back." Jason replied.
"You want to be claimed by the dungeon." The Guild Master said.
"When I was looking for my brother, all I could think of was how much I liked being there." Jason replied. "That's honestly why I put on the ring."
"And I'm not leaving my brother alone." Daniel said. "We've only had each other our entire lives."
I nodded. "As the master of the dungeon, I will approve this." I said. "Any arguments against, Guild Master?"
He sighed. "Just go." He said.
With the brothers close behind me, I led them to the dungeon entrance. "Understand, by doing this, you are consigning yourself to protecting what is effectively a practice dungeon." I said. "You will be killed and brought back."
Jason nodded. "I know."
He opened the door, and they walked in.
I finally graduated this Spring semester and still have access to most GT resources. I plan to utilize my free time to learn machine learning and work on related hobby projects, possibly with some hardware like the NVIDIA Jetson Nano Developer Kit.
Do you have any suggestions on GT resources or related student benefits I can use before my student access completely disappears?
P.S. I was an ECE Ph.D. student who did the basic undergrad computer science machine learning course.
21M, going on 22.
It just feels like existing is pure hell sometimes. Specifically having to struggle with the most basic shit, and watching others succeed and live fulfilling lives while your life hasn't changed that much since high school.
The worst part is I hated my HS years and wanted to do better after I graduated. Get a girl, get good at hobbies, get a car, get a good job, etc.
I have tried medications on and off. The doctor thought about giving me antidepressants after going through every ADHD med but I decided against it because I've been through so many meds I knew I would just be disappointed so I was done.
I'm happy and try to be funny on the surface but deep inside is a slowly building anger and resentment. A deep envy that has grown for years. Ever since I was severely bullied as a child.
If people knew how I talked to myself when I'm alone they would think I'm on the verge of ending it all. I hate my genetics and I hate whatever cosmic jackass made me this way. Sometimes I have punched walls and screamed in anger at how horribly my brain was made.
It's the way I was made that made me decide I never wanted kids. Even if I had a genetically gifted girl to do it with (if I even found one that would like my autistic ass enough), the kids would just be tainted by my bullshit.
TTYL, will write more later. But I just wanted to post to get all this out of my system.
Edit: I've had time to go out, cool off and clear my system. Honestly, living with (unmedicated) AuADHD sucks. I hate so many things about it. I would trade all my money to be rid of such a curse.