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A surfer outfit consists of a wetsuit, board shorts, and rash guard. Here's a guide to help you decide what to wear while surfing.
Surfing is an activity that has gained immense popularity over the years. It is a sport that involves riding waves and requires appropriate gear to protect the surfer from the elements. A surfer outfit generally comprises a wetsuit, board shorts, and a rash guard.
The wetsuit keeps the surfer warm in cold waters, while board shorts provide comfort and flexibility. A rash guard helps prevent irritation from surf wax or abrasions from the board. Choosing the right outfit while surfing can be the difference between a comfortable and enjoyable experience or one that is unpleasant and uncomfortable. In this article, we will dive deeper into the components that make up a surfer outfit and how to choose the perfect one for you.
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Comfortable T-Shirts For The Beach

The Best Materials For T-Shirts That Are Comfortable And Absorb Sweat

When you're planning on spending the day at the beach, you need to make sure you wear the right clothes. T-shirts are a perfect choice for a casual yet comfortable look. However, not all materials are suitable for the beach.
Here are the best fabrics to look for in beach t-shirts:

• Cotton: Lightweight, soft, and naturally breathable, making it ideal for a hot day.
• Bamboo: Eco-friendly and soft, it's also great for absorbing moisture.
• Linen: Lightweight and breathable, linen t-shirts allow air to circulate and keep you cool surfer outfit.
• Polyester: Synthetic t-shirts dry quickly, making them perfect for swimming and other water activities.

The Latest Trends In Surf T-Shirts With A Focus On Style And Comfort

Surf t-shirts have come a long way from the traditional plain white cotton t-shirt with a logo on the chest. Nowadays, surf t-shirts combine style and comfort. Here are the latest trends in surf t-shirts:

• Graphic designs: Bold and colorful designs that reflect the beach lifestyle surfer outfit.
• Retro style: Throwback designs from the 70s and 80s are making a comeback.
• High-performance materials: Surf t-shirts are made from quick-drying, moisture-wicking materials that are perfect for water activities.
• Upf protection: Shirts constructed with ultraviolet protection factor to protect your skin from the harmful effects of the sun.

The Most Popular T-Shirt Designs That Are Practical For Beachwear

Beach t-shirts are all about comfort and practicality, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice style. Here are the most popular t-shirt designs that are perfect for the beach:

• V-neck t-shirts: Allow airflow around the neck and chest area, keeping you cool.
• Long sleeve t-shirts: Provide protection from the sun and can be rolled up if you get too warm.
• Tank tops: Show off your arms and provide maximum ventilation surfer outfit.
• Henley t-shirts: Stylish and practical, they have a partial button front, making them versatile for different occasions.

How To Style Your T-Shirts With Other Pieces For A Complete Beach Outfit

Creating the perfect beach outfit isn't just about choosing the right t-shirt. You can create a complete beach look by carefully selecting coordinating pieces. Here are some ideas on how to style your t-shirts:

• Pair a graphic t-shirt with board shorts and flip-flops for a casual, laid-back vibe.
• Dress up a solid-colored t-shirt by layering it with a linen shirt, chino shorts, and sandals.
• Accessorize your t-shirt with sunglasses, a straw hat, and a backpack for a more elevated look.
• Wear a long sleeve T-shirt with swim trunks and water shoes for extra protection from the sun and rocks in the water surfer outfit.

Remember to choose a style that fits your personality and comfort level. There's no wrong way to style a beach t-shirt, just make sure it's comfortable, practical, and reflects your personal style.

Stylish Shorts For The Beach

The Best Fabrics For Beach Shorts That Are Durable And Comfortable

When it comes to beach shorts, it is essential to select the right fabric to make sure that you stay comfortable and stylish throughout your beach day. Selecting the perfect material is key, and here are a few options:

• Polyester: This fabric is durable, quick-drying, and lightweight, making it the perfect choice for all-day wear. It's also wrinkle-resistant, which means you won't have to worry about ironing your shorts before you hit the beach!
• Nylon: Another popular choice for beach shorts, nylon is breathable, lightweight, and dries quickly. It's also easy to wash, making it perfect for those long beach trips surfer outfit.
• Cotton: Although cotton is not the best choice for swimwear, it's still a great fabric for beach shorts. It's soft, comfortable, and ideal for those who prefer a more relaxed, casual look.

The Latest Designs For Beach Shorts That Combine Style And Functionality

Beach shorts come in many different designs, and selecting the perfect style depends on your personal preference. However, here are some of the trendiest designs that combine style and functionality:

• Boardshorts: One of the most comfortable and functional beach shorts designs, boardshorts are typically made of a lightweight and quick-drying material such as polyester or nylon. These shorts are ideal for surfing as they resist clinging to your skin, thanks to their looser and longer cut.
• Hybrid shorts: As the name suggests, these shorts can be worn both in and out of the water. They are designed with quick-drying fabric that is both breathable and comfortable. With their versatile design, hybrid shorts are perfect for any beach activity surfer outfit.
• Athletic shorts: Athletic shorts are perfect for those who want a lightweight option that is easy to move in. They're designed with quick-drying material and are usually lined with mesh for added comfort and breathability.

Different Styles Of Beach Shorts That Suit Different Body Types

No two bodies are alike, and the perfect beach shorts should complement your body type. Here are the best styles of beach shorts that flatter different body types:

• Slim body type: Slim men should opt for shorter beach shorts with a tailored, slim fit. This will create the illusion of having a more muscular frame surfer outfit.
• Muscular body type: Those with a muscular frame should choose longer shorts with a looser fit. This will help to balance out the proportions of the body.
• Larger body type: Beach shorts with a relaxed fit and elastic waistband are perfect for those with a larger body type. They offer plenty of room to move, making them comfortable and stylish at the same time.

Tips On How To Match Beach Shorts With Different Types Of Beach Shirts

Beach shirts come in a range of styles and designs, and pairing them with the perfect beach shorts can make all the difference. Here are some useful tips to help you match your beach shorts with different types of beach shirts:

• Solid color shirts: If you're wearing a solid color shirt, choose beach shorts with a bold pattern or bright colors to create a contrasting effect.
• Striped shirts: Striped beach shirts work best with plain-colored shorts. Choose a color that complements the stripes on your shirt for a cohesive look surfer outfit.
• Printed shirts: If you're wearing a printed beach shirt, opt for beach shorts with a solid color. This will keep the focus on your shirt while allowing you to add a touch of color to your outfit. You can also choose a color from the print on your shirt for your shorts to create a harmonizing effect.

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Fashionable Bikinis For Surfers

Surfing is a fun and exhilarating water sport, but it can be challenging to find the right bikini that will stay on while you catch waves. Not to worry, we've rounded up the top 10 bikini styles for surfers that are fashionable, practical, and functional.
In this section, we'll focus on fashionable bikinis for surfers. Let's dive in!

The Most Popular Bikini Designs For Surfers

• Triangle bikinis: These are popular among surfers due to their minimalist design and their ability to stay on even in rough waters.
• High-neck bikinis: They offer more coverage and support, making them perfect for women with larger busts. They also have a stylish look and feel.
• Sporty bikinis: They often come with extra support, straps, and coverage, making them ideal for intense water activities such as surfing for surfer outfit.
• One-piece swimsuits: These are popular with women who prefer more coverage and support and feel more comfortable wearing swimwear that doesn't shift around.

The Most Practical And Functional Materials For Surf Bikinis

When looking for a bikini to wear while surfing, you want a material that will stay on while you're catching waves but also dries quickly. Here are the most practical and functional materials for surf bikinis:

• Nylon: Nylon is lightweight, quick-drying, and perfect for swimwear, making it ideal for surfing.
• Spandex: Spandex has excellent elasticity, making it the perfect material for surf bikinis as it stays on while riding waves.
• Polyester: Polyester resists water and dries quickly, making it a go-to material for surfing bikinis surfer outfit.

How To Choose A Bikini Style That Suits Your Body Type And Needs

When it comes to choosing the perfect bikini for surfing, it's important to consider your body type and needs. Here are some tips to keep in mind while selecting a bikini:

• Determine your body type, then choose a bikini that flatters your curves and enhances your assets.
• Think about the level of support you need. If you have a larger bust, consider a high-neck bikini, or if you want more coverage, a one-piece swimsuit might be a better option.
• Make sure it fits well; bikinis that are too loose or too tight aren't suitable for surfing.

Tips On How To Mix And Match Bikinis With Different Beach Accessories

Now that you've found the perfect bikini for surfing, it's time to accessorize! Here are some tips on how to mix and match bikinis with different beach accessories:

• Choose a beach bag that complements your bikini. If your bikini has bold colors, opt for a neutral beach bag to balance the look.
• Add a cover-up to your look, such as a sheer maxidress, denim shorts, or a sarong. A cover-up adds extra style and protection after a long and tiring session in the sun and waves surfer outfit.
• Accessorize with hats, sunglasses, and footwear that complement your bikini. For example, a pair of gold sandals adds elegance and charm to a simple black bikini.

Now that you know what bikinis are best for surfing, the most practical and functional materials for surf bikinis, how to choose a bikini style that suits your body type and needs, and how to mix and match bikinis with beach accessories, you're ready to hit the waves and show off your style. Happy surfing!

Comfortable And Durable Boardshorts

The Best Boardshort Materials That Are Comfortable And Durable

Choosing the right material is crucial when it comes to board shorts. You need to select an option that is both comfortable and durable. Here are some of the best materials to consider:

• Polyester: It's lightweight, quick-drying, and durable.
• Nylon: It's abrasion-resistant, strong, and provides uv protection surfer outfit.
• Spandex: It's stretchy, allowing for greater flexibility and mobility.
• Microfiber: It's soft, lightweight, and dries quickly.

The Latest Boardshort Trends In Surf Fashion

Surf fashion is constantly evolving, and it's essential to stay up-to-date with the latest trends. Here are some of the latest boardshorts trends:

• Bold patterns and prints: From tropical florals to vibrant stripes, boardshorts with bold prints and patterns are on-trend.
• Shorter lengths: Shorter boardshorts, above the knee, are a popular trend.
• Retro-style: Vintage-inspired boardshorts, with bright colors and geometric prints, are making a comeback surfer outfit.
• Sustainable options: Eco-friendly boardshorts made from recycled materials are becoming increasingly popular.

Different Styles Of Boardshorts That Suit Different Surfers

Different surfers prefer different styles of boardshorts, depending on their needs and preferences. Here are some of the most popular boardshort styles and who they are best suited for:

• Classic: Timeless and simple, the classic board shorts are suitable for all types of surfers.
• Performance: Designed for professional surfers, performance boardshorts provide greater flexibility and mobility.
• Hybrid: Hybrid board shorts are an excellent choice for surfers who want to transition from the water to the land, as they can be worn as regular shorts.
• Cargo: Cargo boardshorts are great for surfers who need extra storage space, as they have side pockets.

Tips On How To Choose The Perfect Boardshorts For Your Body Type And Surfer Style

Choosing the right boardshorts for your body type and surfer style can make a significant difference in your comfort and performance. Here are some tips to help you make the right choice:

• Consider your body type: If you have a leaner physique, choose board shorts with a slimmer fit, while if you have a more muscular build, opt for a looser fit.
• Think about your surfing style: Performance board shorts are ideal for surfers who want to maximize their mobility and flexibility, while classic board shorts are suitable for most surfing styles surfer outfit.
• Evaluate your needs: Cargo boardshorts provide plenty of storage options, hybrid boardshorts can be worn on land and water, and classic boardshorts are versatile and timeless.

By following these tips, you can select the perfect board shorts for your body type and surfing needs. Remember, comfortable boardshorts are crucial to helping you stay focused and conquer the waves.

Trendy And Comfortable Rashguards

The Importance Of Using Rashguards When Surfing

Not only is it a great way to stay active and healthy, but it also provides a much-needed break from the chaos of our daily lives. But did you know that surfing can also pose some potential risks to your skin?
This is where rashguards come in as a must-have in your surfer outfit! Here are some reasons why rashguards are important when surfing:

• Rashguards provide ultimate sun protection to your skin, preventing skin damage due to prolonged sun exposure
• They also protect you from getting rashes due to constant rubbing against the surfboard
• Rashguards provide an extra layer of protection against minor cuts and scrapes
• They keep you warm by providing insulation against the cold ocean currents surfer outfit
• Rashguards are built to dry quickly so you can stay comfortable throughout your surfing session while minimizing skin irritation

The Best Materials And Designs For Comfortable Rashguards

When it comes to rashguards, choosing the right material and design is crucial to ensure maximum comfort while surfing. Here are some materials and designs recommended for comfortable rashguards:

• Spandex and nylon blend materials are perfect for rashguards as they provide both comfort and flexibility
• Look for rashguards that have flatlock seams to minimize skin irritation surfer outfit
• Find rashguards that have a slim fit design, which ensures maximum movement and comfort while surfing
• Rashguards with ventilation zones are ideal as they allow for air circulation, keeping you cool and dry

The Latest Trends In Rashguard Designs For Surfers

Rashguards have gone through various design changes over the years, from bright and bold prints to simple yet elegant designs. Here are some of the latest designs and trends when it comes to rashguards for surfers:

• Tie-dye prints are making a comeback and are perfect for those who want to stand out on the beach!
• Bold geometric designs have been trending lately and are great for those who want to make a statement with their rashguards
• Gradient and ombre designs are also becoming popular as they give off a stylish and trendy vibe surfer outfit
• Many surf brands now offer rashguards with built-in uv protection, providing ultimate skin protection and peace of mind in the water.

Tips On How To Match Rashguards With Your Other Surf Outfits

Matching rashguards with your other surf outfits can be a bit tricky, but with proper coordination, you can find the perfect combination that suits your style. Here are some tips on how to match rashguards with your other surf outfits:

• Coordinate the color of your rashguard with your swim trunks or boardshorts. For instance, a blue rashguard goes well with black or navy boardshorts.
• Mix and match your rashguard with neoprene leggings or shorts that match the same color palette as your rashguard.
• Accessorize your rashguard with a pair of sunglasses and a surf hat that matches the color of your rashguard surfer outfit
• Keep in mind that the fit and style of your rashguard should complement your other surf outfits, creating a cohesive look.

Rashguards are an essential item in any surfer outfit, providing protection, comfort, and style. With the right materials, designs, and coordination, you can find the perfect rashguard that suits your surfing needs and style preferences.

Stylish Hats For Protection From The Sun

The Importance Of Using Hats For Sun Protection

Going to the beach for surfing is an excellent way to enjoy the sun and sea. While surfing is fun, it is equally important to protect oneself from the harmful effects of the sun. Wearing hats not only adds an extra bit of style to the beach outfit, but they help protect the scalp, ears, and face from harmful uv radiation, which can cause sunburn.
Here are some essential benefits that make wearing a hat necessary:

• Protects scalp and face from sunburn
• Prevents premature aging and skin damage
• Keeps you cool on hot sunny days surfer outfit
• Reduces glare and eye strain
• Helps maintain good health

The Latest Trends In Beach Hats For Surfers

The beach hat is not an accessory limited to women. In recent years, surfers have been adopting a variety of hat styles to complete their beach looks as well as protect themselves from the sun. There are many stylish beach hats to choose from.
Some popular styles among surfers include:

• Bucket hat
• Fedora
• Trucker hat
• Straw visor
• Wide-brimmed hat
• Baseball cap
• Bonnet hat
• Beanie hat

Different Styles Of Hats That Match Different Surfer Looks

Hats play an essential role in completing a surfer's outfit while offering protection from the sun. The type of hat you choose can enhance your style and reflect your personality. Here's a rundown of several hat styles that are perfect for a day out surfing:

• For a classic look, go for a wide-brimmed hat or a fedora
• Bucket hats look great with a casual outfit or when you're going for a beach picnic
• Trucker hats pair well with a casual surf style surfer outfit
• Beanies are a surfer's go-to on colder days
• Baseball caps are perfect for a laid-back look
• Bonnet hats offer protection for your head and can still be stylish

Tips On How To Choose The Perfect Hat For The Beach

With so many different styles of hats available, it's essential to choose one that matches not only your outfit but also your face shape and skin tone. Here are some tips to help you pick out the perfect beach hat:

• If you have a round face, select a hat with angular shapes, such as a fedora or a bucket hat with a wide brim.
• Go for a light-colored hat if you have light skin tones, while darker skin tones suit darker-colored hats
• Consider a beach hat with an adjustable strap if you plan on surfing or partaking in any other water activities
• Choose a hat that fits snugly on your head but isn't too tight surfer outfit
• Look for a hat made with lightweight breathable materials to keep you cool and prevent overheating

Wearing a hat on the beach can protect you from the sun's harmful rays while keeping your style game on point. So, next time you pack for a day of surfing, make sure to pack the perfect hat to complete your beach look.

Protective Wetsuits For Surfing

The Benefits Of Using Wetsuits For Surfing

Surfing is a thrilling water sport that offers an experience like no other. It allows you to feel the rush of the ocean and catch the best waves. However, not paying attention to safety while in the water can lead to dangerous situations.
That's why wearing protective gear like wetsuits is crucial for surfers. Here are some of the benefits of using wetsuits:

• Wetsuits keep you warm in cold water, allowing you to surf for longer
• They protect you from the sun's harmful uv rays, which can cause skin cancer surfer outfit
• Wetsuits offer a layer of protection against jellyfish, sea lice, and other stinging creatures
• They also provide buoyancy, making it easier for you to float and catch waves.

The Latest Trends In Wetsuit Designs For Surfers

Designers are always trying to make wetsuits more comfortable, flexible, and stylish for surfers. Here are some of the latest trends in wetsuit designs:

• Thinner and lighter materials that are still warm and flexible
• More stretchy neoprene to enhance mobility and comfort
• Sealed seams that minimize water entry surfer outfit
• Zip-free or back-zip wetsuits for easier entry and exit
• Customizable designs that allow you to express your personality.

Different Types Of Wetsuits For Different Types Of Surfing Activities

There are different types of wetsuits for different surfing activities. Here are some examples:

• Full wetsuits - cover your whole body, suitable for cold water surfing
• Short wetsuits - cover your torso and arms, suitable for warmer waters surfer outfit
• Spring suits - cover your torso and legs, suitable for moderate water temperatures
• Rash guards - offer sun protection and minimize skin irritation, suitable for warm to hot water temperatures.

Tips On How To Find The Perfect Wetsuit For You

Finding the perfect wetsuit is crucial for your comfort and safety while surfing. Here are some tips that can help you choose the right one:

• Check the water temperature of the surf spot you'll be visiting to determine the appropriate wetsuit thickness
• Try on different wetsuits and test their flexibility, comfort, and fit surfer outfit
• Make sure the wetsuit seals are tight enough to minimize water entry
• Consider the type of surfing activities you'll be doing and select the appropriate wetsuit type
• Look for wetsuits made with eco-friendly materials to reduce your environmental impact.

Wetsuits are an essential investment for surfers of all skill levels. By following these tips, you can find the perfect wetsuit for you and enjoy a safe and comfortable surfing experience.

Trending Sandals For The Beach

The Importance Of Comfortable And Stylish Sandals For The Beach

When it comes to enjoying a day at the beach surfing, you need to ensure that everything you wear is comfortable and functional. This rule also applies to your choice of sandals for the beach. So, invest in a good pair of sandals to complete your surfer outfit.
Here's why:

• Sandals are essential for protecting your feet from hot sand, sharp rocks, and shells.
• You will be walking around a lot, and comfortable sandals will keep your feet pain-free and prevent any injuries.
• Stylish sandals will help you complete the perfect beach look, and you can easily transition to a beach party without needing to change your footwear.

The Latest Trends In Beach Sandals For Surfers

Being on-trend is not just about your clothes; it's also about your footwear. So, make sure to choose the right beach sandals for your surfer outfit. Here are a few trending beach sandals for surfers:

• Slide sandals: A trendy slip-on sandal that is easy to wear and looks great with board shorts.
• Flip-flops: A classic style that pairs perfectly with any beach outfit.
• Water shoes: These shoes offer excellent traction and protect your feet from rocks and sharp objects while surfing.

Different Styles Of Sandals That Match Different Beach Outfits

Choosing the right sandal can make or break your outfit, but with so many styles to choose from, it can be overwhelming. Here are a few options based on the type of beach outfit you prefer:

• Board shorts and slide sandals: A sleek look for surfers that want to keep it simple.
• Swim trunks and flip-flops: A classic combination that never goes wrong.
• Wetsuits and water shoes: A practical combo that keeps your feet warm and provides excellent protection.

Tips On How To Choose The Perfect Sandals For The Beach

Choosing the right sandals for the beach is crucial for a comfortable and stylish beach look. Here are five tips to keep in mind when choosing your beach sandals:

• Look for sandals made with lightweight, breathable, and quick-drying materials such as rubber and neoprene.
• Choose a sandal with a sturdy sole that provides excellent support and traction.
• Make sure the sandal's fit is comfortable, and it doesn't rub or pinch in any places.
• Opt for neutral colors such as black or brown that pair well with any outfit.
• Prioritize comfort over style but choose sandals that match your style preferences.

Comfortable and trendy sandals are a crucial component of the perfect beach look. Whether you prefer flip-flops, slide sandals, or water shoes, there are many options available that suit different styles and preferences. Make sure to choose a pair that is comfortable, functional, and complements your beach outfit.

Beach Bags For Style And Convenience

Surfer Outfit: Top 10 Styles For The Perfect Beach Look

Although the beach is a place to unwind and relax, picking the right outfit is crucial, especially for surfers. A great outfit not only ensures comfort but also adds to the overall fun and excitement of hitting the waves. One item that deserves special emphasis is the beach bag.
Not only it adds to the overall look, but it is also an essential accessory. We'll take a closer look at beach bags for surfers, the latest trends, different types of beach bags, and tips on how to pick the best one for your beach accessories.

The Importance Of Beach Bags For Carrying Your Accessories

A high-quality beach bag makes a world of difference when it comes to transporting your essentials from one place to another. With the right beach bag, you can conveniently carry your suntan lotion, water bottles, surf wax, and towels. Beach bags are not only stylish but also practical.
They add an element of convenience to your beach experience, allowing you to keep your hands free while you explore the waves.

The Latest Trends In Beach Bags For Surfers

Beach bags come in different styles and designs. With an endless array of options available in the market, surfers can quickly get confused about the right bag to pick. However, on-trend styles for beach bags in 2021 include bags made from plastic, eco-friendly bags made from natural materials, and backpack-style beach bags.
These designs offer the right mix of style, convenience, and practicality.

Different Types Of Beach Bags That Suit Different Beach Outfits

Various beach bags suit different beach outfits. For example, if you are heading to the beach in your swimwear, a tote beach bag is an ideal choice. On the other hand, if you are wearing a casual outfit, a backpack-style bag will give a laid-back look.
Moreover, flat-bottom bags with more space are convenient for carrying other essential items. For formal beach events, cross-body beach bags suit well. With the right type of beach bag, you can effortlessly enhance your overall beach look.

Tips On How To Pick The Best Beach Bag For Your Beach Accessories

Picking the right beach bag can take your surf experience to the next level. Here are a few essential tips to keep in mind while choosing the right beach bag:

• Consider the size of the bag depending on the number and size of your beach essentials.
• Choose the right material for bags depending on your needs and preference. If you want to be eco-friendly, choose bags made of natural materials.
• Look for bags with different compartments and pockets, making it easy to organize your essentials.
• Pick a design and color that matches your style and outfit.

With these tips, you can easily pick a beach bag that gives you both style and convenience.
Beach bags are essential accessories for surfers, allowing them to conveniently carry their essentials while enjoying a great day at the beach. With the right beach bag, you can add to your overall surf experience, and with the above tips, you can easily pick the perfect one for yourself.
So, get ready to hit the waves with style and convenience with your perfect beach bag.
To sum up, a surfer outfit is not only about looking stylish but also about being functional and comfortable. It should be able to protect you from the sun, wind, and water, and also enhance your surfing experience. The key pieces of a perfect surfer outfit include a wetsuit or rash guard, board shorts, surf cap, and sunscreen.
It is also important to choose materials that are eco-friendly and ethically sourced. By investing in a high-quality surfer outfit, you can help to make your surfing experience more enjoyable, safer, and more sustainable. So the next time you hit the waves, make sure you have all the essential surf gear to look and feel your best, while also being eco-conscious.
Happy surfing!

ok i’ve made multiple posts here abt fake juicy bags on aliexpress but this one im actually considering

USA 🇺🇸

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These last few parts have taken a lot longer for me to write than I thought. A lot of shit has gone down in the last two months, and a lot of it, frankly, is kind of a blur. But I figure, if you've stuck with me this long, then you deserve to know how it all ended up so I'm going to try my best to remember every detail of what happened.
Me? I've spent every free hour I've had, just lying in bed. I've got a lot of healed wounds that still hurt me pretty damned badly.
Blood loss from multiple gunshot wounds and then drowning in the East River, dying and then being brought back while still human, incidentally, takes a lot out of a guy.
But… I'm getting way ahead of myself.
Where were we, again?
Oh yeah, that's right. The funeral without caskets, inside of a Ukrainian restaurant just off the boardwalk in Brighton Beach. That's where I left off at.
()()()
Antoni's corpse and I had spoken together for a while longer, about Beccs and their baby, actually, sitting there in the floor in front of the three empty bathroom stalls. The next moment, as usual, he was… just gone.
It took a while to slow the bleeding, and it took even longer to try and clean myself up with just hand soap and paper towels and the water from the sink. Nobody came into the bathroom again, and as I left, I saw why. There was a sign on the door that read 'Out of Order' with something printed below it in Cyrillic that I imagined probably said the same thing as the English.
My new winter coat had been left on the floor in front of the door and the Emergency Exit at the end of the hall had its alarm disabled and had been left propped open with a brick.
I took that as a clear message that they didn't want me rejoining the party, so I exited into the alley and sat on a milk crate chain-smoking until 2 PM when the funeral ended.
The weather app on my phone said it was 10 degrees outside, but oddly enough the cold air felt soothing on my bruised face. My eyes were nearly swollen shut, and every now and again I had to pull some of the toilet paper out that I'd stuffed in my pocket to wipe another trickle of blood from my nose when I sniffed a little too hard and moved the clots loose.
At 1:57, I started to hear people exiting the restaurant, so I moved onto the sidewalk to wait for Becca. The people leaving the funeral only glanced at me for a second and then looked away with a bored expression, like I wasn't even there. Finally, only Becca and Toni's immediate family were still inside.
Tatiana gave Becca a hug, Igor, a gentle handshake, and Antoni Sr. bent down, cupped his hands around Becca's face and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. I could see that his right hand was bandaged and he was holding it straighter than his left. Good. I hoped the fucker had broken it when he'd punched me in the jaw.
As Becca exited, I could tell she was angry even before she stomped over to me and shoved me three times in quick succession. Like Jimmy, Becca was a lot stronger than she looked, but now I knew why. I couldn't do much but ball up and take the hits.
"Where the fuck did you go? You just took off and left me there by myself. 'He wouldn't have left without saying goodbye if he had a choice.' You knew, you cocksucker, you knew, you knew he was dead!"
"Yeah, I knew! Antoni was in the news. But we gotta get the fuck out of here, Beccs, you're making a scene, another one, and I gotta get outta this neighborhood before something worse happens to me."
The high color of anger in her cheeks dropped away immediately into a pallid white. She'd been so pissed she'd never once registered the state of my face.
"Jesus Christ, Tony, what the fuck happened to you?"
"Your little Polish sausage's Daddy Dearest just beat the fuck out of me in the men's bathroom, that's what the fuck happened."
"Why would he do that?" Becca asked, but I didn't answer. She looked back to Skovorodka, following my gaze. Antoni Sr. was still standing there, just inside the front door, watching me with narrowed eyes, his hands folded neatly behind his back like a soldier at ease. It reminded me a lot of how Antoni used to stand while we were waiting for the train together.
"Fuck," she muttered, then "Shit," and grabbed me by the arm. "Come on."
"Why would he do that?" She asked me again as we climbed the stairs to the train platform.
"Antoni was Mob, Becca, Bratva. His whole goddamned family is. Him and his brothers and his father and his fucking Russian uncle, and I'd say your Mama Tatiana probably isn't in the dark about what her brother and her hubby and his sons do to make a living, either. I don't know why the Zabrowskas were on the Avenue, but suffice to say it was probably for nefarious reasons, and Jimmy found out about it and took care of business.
"Only I don't think he realized exactly who he was taking out at the time he did it, or else he never would have put the body in the River for somebody to find. And then the other three showed up to avenge their brother, only two of 'em never made it past Bianchi any farther than Antoni did."
"The fuck are you trying to say?" Her tone says she already understands just fine and doesn't want to.
"I'm saying your dear sweet Mamma killed your boyfriend, Becca. She removed all the identifying marks from his body, ate what she wanted, then pulled all his teeth out and chewed off his hands and his feet. They dumped the body in the East River and they found him about 5 days ago, floating off of Battery Park."
"Oh God. That's why. I asked Tatiana where Antoni was going to be buried and she told me in the public cemetery on Hart Island. They're not claiming the body because they don't wanna go to the cops. For the last week I been cussing him for everything he was worth, and he's been laying in the fucking morgue." She pressed her hand to her mouth, and I saw her bloodshot eyes filling with tears again.
"Please don't cry, Becca, cause I'm gonna start crying again and I've cried enough for today."
She sniffed back her tears and swallowed hard.
"But I don't understand, Tony, what the fuck does that have to do with you?"
"They knew, Beccs, they knew how the Zabrowskas died, who killed them, and they knew I helped Moretti get rid of the bodies afterwards. That's why Antoni's father went after me. The uh… the fucking Pakhan thought Jimmy sent me there to rub it in their faces that they weren't going to be able to bury any of their boys."
"How the fuck would they know that?" She barked at me.
"Somebody's feeding them information and not some asshole on the street, somebody from inside the Camorra."
"Who would do that?"
I saw her eyes darting about wildly as she tried to think of the answer to her own question.
"I don't know, uh, the driver that brought Moretti, he didn't look like he was too fond of Bianchi, maybe he's a fucking option."
"Frankie? I mean, him and Ma have never gotten along. He's never liked her and the feeling's mutual but… that doesn't make any sense, Frankie's always been loyal to the Camorra. Rossi always said he practically muttered the Omerta in his fucking sleep, that he was a soldato down to the bones."
"I have no idea, Becca, but it gets worse," I said quietly. If it didn't hurt so goddamned bad, I would've squeezed my eyes shut.
"How the fuck could it possibly get worse, Tony?"
"First you gotta promise you're not gonna hit me again."
Her hand balled into a fist, and I couldn't help but flinch.
"I'm gonna knock you the fuck out right now if you don't stop wasting my time, Cipriani."
"I sold her out, Becca. Bianchi. I told them where she lives and how to find her tonight."
"You what!?"
"I had to! He was gonna cut my fucking fingers off, and I don't know if he was going to take all four or just three but I wasn't about to fucking find out. I kind of need those fingers seeing as I'm a fucking southpaw!"
I held my left hand out to her, curled my fingers inward, but the third finger just… stayed straight. "Ah, fuck, I didn't even notice that."
"Jesus Christ, the tendon's been cut," she whispered, and when she pressed her hand to her mouth again she looked less like she was swallowing back tears and more like she was trying to swallow back vomit. I couldn't really blame her. I felt pretty nauseous myself.
"You know, I'm, I'm not worried about Ma," she said, finally. "It wouldn't be the first time somebody's tried to take her out. She's harder to kill than they think."
"Would, uh, would cutting her head off work? Cause if so I think they're already pretty aware of how to get the job done. They… they know Bianchi's not human, Becca."
Her face got paler, if that was even possible, and her eyes were the size of saucers.
"This is a goddamn nuclear disaster. Jesus fuck."
We stood the last few minutes waiting for the train in silence. As the doors slid shut and we sat down, Becca began laughing wildly.
"So you're in hysterics for real, huh?" I asked.
"You're gonna have to forgive me, I'm a little slow on the uptake today, but I just got it, Polish sausage… only, he wasn't little, you know, he was hung like a fucking horse, and it's a goddamn tragedy for women everywhere that the man isn't on this earth anymore. And he knew how to use it, too. Best sex I ever had in my life… only sex I ever had in my life, but that's not the fucking point." A short, barking sob tore out of her.
I groaned. "You know, that is way, way more information than I ever wanted to know about you and Antoni's sex life. You couldn't, uh, you couldn't let that one pass by, huh?"
"I never pass up the opportunity to make a good dick joke. And he had Good Dick."
I laughed and regretted it as it tightened muscles in my stomach that were still a little angry about being used as Antoni Sr's personal punching bag.
"Touché, Miss Rebecca, touché."
"The two-faced bastard, I gotta give the motherfucker that much, you know, it's a uniquely personal way to say Fuck You to the Underboss, getting his teenaged daughter pregnant. I am so, so goddamned tired of being a pawn in other people's games. He's lucky he's already dead or I'd kill the bitch myself," she whispered.
"It wasn't a game, Becca, what happened between you and Antoni," I whispered back. I knew because Antoni's corpse had told me as much. "Don't ask me how I know, cause I don't wanna talk about it, but it wasn't a game. You didn't know about him and he didn't know about you and it was a big, fucked up coincidence. You loved him, and he really, truly loved you... he worshiped the ground you walked on." Actually, he had said he worshiped the boots she walked in, but I figured it was a translation issue. "It was a regular old Romeo and Juliet: Brooklyn Edition."
She squeezed her eyes shut, snorted and at the same time choked on another sob.
"Yeah, but Romeo and Juliet ended in a double suicide, not a murder and a single mother." Her tiny hand went to her mouth again, and she wasn't able to hold back the tears this time. "I miss him, Tony, I miss him so fucking much."
"You know, Beccs, I miss him, too." I miss him when he was alive, not looking like a walking nightmare, and talking my goddamned ear off half the time, but I wasn't about to tell her that. "He was the first friend I made down here."
"It's fucking stupid. I still remember every single thing he said to me those first few times I met him."
"Odd as it is, I do too, Beccs. He was that kind of guy, I guess, he didn't have to work hard to make an impression on people. It was, uh, three days after I moved in, I think. I was in the basement, getting ready to do my laundry that morning, fighting with the stuck knob on that machine down at the end? And he walks in with his clothes basket balanced on his hip and reaches past me and just… turned the fucking thing, like it wasn't even stuck to begin with. 'It has an attitude, but it likes me,' he says, and I say, 'I can see that.'
"And he, he told me his name. 'Zabrowska,' he says, 'Antoni.' And I laughed and said, 'Nice to meet you, Toni, I'm Tony.' 'Really?' he says, and I say 'Yeah. Really. Antonio Alessio Gioele Cipriani, the third, if you please.'"
"Goddamn, that name is painfully Italian. No wonder you tell everybody 'Just call me Tony,'" Becca snorted.
"Thank you, Miss Rebecca, I can assure you I didn't pick it myself. But, 'Ah,' Toni says and kind of taps his hand in the center of his chest, 'Junior.' And I laughed again and said 'Our parents were goddamned creative when it came to the baby naming, right?' And he laughed, too, and shook my hand.
"And uh, a few days after that he showed up outside of my apartment and asked me if I wanted to go watch a game with him and his brothers at the sports bar down the street. It was Poland vs Korea. I still don't know shit about soccer, I've always been more of an American football kind of guy, but I did learn quite a few Polish swear words that day. Apparently they'd all bet money on the home team winning that game."
"I bet you did. Poland kept catching red cards that whole game. I bet on Korea, of course, and altogether I won 8 grand from four extremely pissed off Polish dudes when we stomped their ass all over the pitch. I had no idea how seriously the four of them took soccer. Antoni wouldn't even talk to me for three days. Probably didn't help I made an ass of myself laughing at all of them. Course, I woulda bet more if I'd known they were good for it. Dry cleaners, my ass," Becca spat.
"Well, in Antoni's defense, he probably did work at a dry cleaners like he told us, just like you work at a bodega, and Jimmy and me work at a restaurant, and Pops works at a hardware store. We all got day jobs. You know, I hate to bust your balls, Becca, but did it… never occur to you to ask Antoni if the tattoos meant something?"
"No," she said weakly. "I mean, I knew they were prison tats but Jesus Christ, half the people I know have been to prison. You've been to prison, half of my cousins have been to prison, hell, Pops has been to prison. You weren't here then, but all of 2016 to 2020 I was wearing a 'Free Rossi' t-shirt everyday, a lot of people in this neighborhood did. Ma got him off on the Murder 1 charges but numbers are numbers, and she couldn't get him out of the Tax Evasion. But I figured, if Antoni didn't wanna talk about it, then it was none of my business what had happened before we met each other."
She'd minded her own business a little too hard this time.
"What did you and Antoni talk about, Becca?"
"Everything! And anything, and nothing, all at the same time. He'd complain about living with his brothers, about Misiu always leaving hair all over the bathroom, and how Ciech always left sugar all over the kitchen counter after he made his coffee. And I'd complain about having to pick up all the empty bottles of makgeolli after my Dad in the morning. I'd help him wash all the dishes his dirty ass brothers would leave piled in the sink, and fold everybody's clothes.
"We got along well, me and Antoni, we were actually very compatible, we were both neat freaks when it came to our housekeeping. We even folded our towels the same way. And he'd bitch about how Igor could never balance the register correctly at the end of the day, and I'd bitch about how my Dad never checked our invoices correctly, and I was always having to cuss out the distribution reps for shorting us on our deliveries myself.
"And we'd watch TV together. He always made fun of me for the lame ass old Chuck Lorre sitcoms I loved to watch, and I'd make fun of him for all the stupid cop dramas he watched, every Law and Order known to man, and Blue Bloods and shit. We just… talked to each other, like we were two regular people, just living our lives. It was simple and it was easy, and it was enough, it was goddamned enough for me. Our relationship was the one normal thing I had going in my fucked up life."
She cracked at the end, sobbing brokenly. She turned her head to the side, pressed her face into my bicep as she wrapped both arms around mine. Tears filled my eyes, as well, and now I was wiping snot out of my nose as well as blood. I felt goddamned sorry for the kid, and I felt like she had a right to cry, but I had to distract her, for my own sake.
"So tell me, when was the first time you talked to Antoni? Was that the same day he asked you out?"
"No, there was some time between the two. He'd been there about a week, I guess, after they moved in. They got there back in like April. I'd fucked with him the first day, you know, asked him where the hell the accent came from, and he said Poland, and I told him welcome to America cause I felt like being a dick. And he said that he'd already been in country five years and I laughed at him and told him, goddamn, I couldn't tell cause he still sounded like he was fresh off the boat. And he got this look on his face, like he was trying to decide if he needed to be offended or not, so I told him I was just fucking with him, that he was doing better than my Mom, God rest her, cause it was seven years after she got here from Seoul before she even learned a word of English and my Dad was the one that had to teach her."
"Makes sense. I moved in in June, Toni mentioned he'd only been in the building about two months hisself."
She nodded, I could feel the movement in the sleeve of my coat where her cheek was pressed to my arm.
"Him and his brothers started coming in every day after that and you know, I kind of had my eye on him from the first time I talked to him. He was goddamn gorgeous, quite literally the walking definition of 'tall, dark, and handsome.' He had those incredibly blue eyes, and that fucking accent, man, shit put me in knots everytime he came in. I learned them all pretty quick, and Antoni was easy. He got the same thing everyday, box of Newport 100s and a pack of Russian Cream Backwoods with a large slushy. You know I gotta keep the cups behind the counter because motherfuckers'll fill it up and walk out when I get busy. I saw him when he came in, and went over to the ATM, so I had his shit sitting on the counter waiting for him."
Becca had a talent for memorizing all of the regular's orders, it wasn't unusual to see a long line of cigarettes, blunts, medicine, sometimes even crack pipes and Chore Boys, and anything else she kept behind the counter, set up neatly next to the register. She also had a talent for running both registers at the same time when the line got overly long and she was there alone. Sometimes I had no idea how she kept up with it all, but that was just Becca.
"And this drunk asshole came in, right after, he didn't even belong in the neighborhood, he stayed in Bed-Stuy, but he was with his cousin, and his cousin I knew and he was shooting me apologetic looks so I was already on guard. I was in a bad goddamn mood that day, anyway. And the drunk bitch, he walked over to the bathroom and tried to open it."
"Key's behind the counter," I said, and she nodded.
"And the key costs five dollars cause people make a fucking mess in the bathroom and I ain't cleaning that shit everyday for free. Well, drunk fuck got pissed and started talking a bunch of shit and threw his five dollars down on the counter, and you know, I can't stand that. You don't throw money at me, I ain't a goddamned stripper, you can put that shit in my hand or you can get the fuck out my store. And, I said 'Naw, son, for you it's gonna cost ten, five dollar Drunk Dick surcharge for being an asshole and cutting my line.' And the motherfucker… he called me a fucking stupid little bitch, and he told me people like me needed to be sent back to my own country."
I made a sound of disapproval, already seeing where this was headed.
"I hate that stupid shit. Where the fuck am I getting sent back to? The fucking hospital in Manhattan where I was born? Everybody in the store just kind of stopped and stood there, and dude's cousin? He just shook his head at me and walked right out the store and left him there."
"He wasn't gonna get involved, huh?" I asked.
"Fuck no. He wasn't stupid. I… uh, I was seeing red by that point so I balled up his money and I threw it across the store and told him to get the fuck out. I don't even remember half the shit I said to him, but I was yelling and he was yelling back and all of a sudden Antoni was… just there. I never even noticed him walking up. He was a big motherfucker, but goddamn he was quick and quiet when he wanted to be."
Becca laced her fingers through the fingers of my right hand and I gave them a squeeze as she readjusted her head against my shoulder. I turned mine to press a kiss to her hair. She was short enough that I didn't have to worry about bumping my nose. As I turned back, I noticed that there was a puddle of water on the seat across from us, and a pit formed in my stomach immediately. My face felt cold as the blood drained from it. The puddle of water made me more than just a little nervous to see it.
I had new enemies stacking up quick, and the last thing I needed was a pissed off, jealous ghost because his grieving fiancée was getting a little handsy with me. But… Antoni never showed himself, so I could only assume he approved of my offering her comfort in her time of need. Either that or he was waiting till I was alone to express his displeasure.
"'Is there a problem here?' was all he asked and the drunk bitch turned around and he got even more pissed. He goes 'Man, fuck you, white boy. Mind your own goddamned business.' And Antoni kind of got in his face, and goes, 'I have made it my business. She told you to leave. Either remove yourself or I will remove you.'
"And the liquor must've given him a bigger set of balls than he actually had, cause he took a swing at him. And Antoni, he just kind of… leaned back a little to avoid the swing and then leaned back in and… he knocked that bitch out cold with one punch. And then he picked him up, literally picked him up, and threw his ass out on the sidewalk, and kind of dusted his hands off afterwards."
"Well, if he's anything like his father then he could throw a hell of a right cross."
Becca laughed weakly.
"Yeah, his Dad boxes, they all did, you know, from when they were young. Antoni told me he got in his Dad's face once when he was about 16, and Old Papa Zabrowska coldcocked him in the kitchen, and when he woke up on the couch, his Dad dragged him out back in the alley and beat him bloody. Told him if his little grown ass thought he was a man, then he was grown enough to get his ass stomped like a man."
That made me feel a little better, to be honest. At least I wasn't the only one I knew who had caught an ass kicking from Antoni Sr.
"I bet he didn't talk shit to his Pops again after that, huh?"
"I asked him that exact question, he said 'Oh no, no, never again. I learned my lesson.' Toni and his brothers, though, were always getting in fights, even when I knew them. He told me it was hard on their Mama, back in Kraków, having four hormonal, teenaged boys with just shy of a year between each of them, you know cause… us fucking Roman Catholics ain't too fond of any method of contraception."
"I didn't know you was Catholic, too, B."
"Of course. Rossi is a devout Catholic, and that's how he raised me, and Nia, she's an Angel, you know, a Fallen One, that's what they call themselves, but she's even got real wings. A little more leathery and less feathery, but… same thing. She goes to Mass daily, turns out demons are actually very religious. Both of my parents were atheists, and that's how they raised me, but after some of the shit I've seen, you know, it ain't too unbelievable that there's a Big Guy upstairs."
She sniffed again, wiped at her nose and I offered her a bit of toilet paper from my pocket.
"That's how it all got started, the War in Heaven. God created Adam, the first living human body, and he told all the spirits in Heaven to kneel to him. And at least half of them weren't too fond of that idea, and the Morning Star stepped up as representative and said they wouldn't kneel to anyone but God. And they, uh, they lost the War, and He banished them all to Earth, to wander without bodies of their own while the other side got to come to Earth one at a time, to live their lives.
"But… then there was the first murder, Abel. Cain beat him to death with a rock, and the blood on the ground, the first human blood ever shed in violence, it called to God, but He wasn't the only one it called to. The blood, it gave him a way inside of a body. Lucifer. He was the First One. He's still here, you know, I've met him. He has a particular fondness for Nia, he calls her Young One, cause according to him 1607 wasn't all that long ago."
"I guess it isn't when you're that old."
"But, back to what I was saying about Toni, all of them were packed into one place together like fucking sardines, the four boys sharing one bedroom in a two bedroom apartment, and all having vastly different personalities. Tatiana is little, like me, and I don't imagine she could do much to break them up when they got to fighting about everything from who ate all the leftovers to who got the top bunks on the beds."
"Probably not," I answered.
"I mean, I could practically smell the testosterone in their fucking apartment whenever I walked in, and it was probably even worse back then. And apparently, that had been their Dad's method of keeping them from tearing up his wife's house all the time. Whenever a problem inevitably developed, he'd just take them down to the gym and throw them in the ring without any gloves and tell them to fucking handle it, and whoever was still standing at the end was the one that won the argument.
"Uh, but, uh, when Toni hit the guy, all, all I could do was stand there with my mouth hanging open like a fucking fish. I mean, I was in love, right that fucking second, standing there. The hormones were running on overdrive, my head was practically spinning with how fast all the blood rushed south, you know? Everybody was still standing there and Antoni tried to get back in line and I said, 'Uh-uh. Take your shit and go on.' And he goes," Beccs began laughing again, laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes once more.
"He goes, 'Am I in trouble?'''
I had to wrap my left arm tight around my stomach because I couldn't stop myself from laughing either. The makeshift bandage on my left hand that I'd wound out of paper towel had soaked through, I was going to have to change it soon.
"He didn't say that, Becca."
"Yes the fuck, he did. And I went, 'No, you dumbass, it's on the house, and in case I gotta translate, that means it's free. Small price to pay for a security detail.' And he just kind of blinked at me for a second, before he nodded his head and grabbed his things off the counter, went and filled his slushy up."
"You probably scared the piss out of him for that second, he probably thought he'd been found out. That's what they call it, what he was, Obshchak, Security Group."
"He stopped before he left, and told me thank you. And I said 'No, dziękuję', thank you. And then I winked at him and said 'Miłej nocy, piękna.'" She straightened up as the train began to slow for our stop.
"And what did that mean?"
"Have a good night, gorgeous." She said with a watery grin.
"Smooth, B, real smooth. Nothing quite like hitting on a man in his native language. "
"I mean, you know us, Tony, we got Southern Hospitality down here. As long as you're not an asshole, I do everything I can to make sure everyone feels welcome when they come inside. That's why there's a sign on the door that says 'DMZ.' They might have beef on the streets but don't nobody take that shit inside my store. And that means asking the Mexicans down the street if they need a bolsa, and making sure I ordered Farid's miswaks so he didn't have to walk all the way down to the Pakistani store, and sometimes it means learning a little bit of Polish so I could flirt with the new guy downstairs the next time he came in."
We exited the train, made the switch, and stood on the platform waiting for the next to take us back to Avenue U. As I glanced to the side, I could see a puddle forming on the platform next to me, drip by drip. It was already freezing around the edges. As it turned out, I wasn't the only nosy fuck around here.
"And apparently the flirting was well received by our dearly departed half-Russian friend."
"Apparently, cause about a week later I was having a busy fucking Friday night and my Dad had already gone home, and I was trying to shut her down but motherfuckers kept coming inside right up until 11. I made DeAndre from downstairs stand at the door and tell people we were closed and that he was the last customer for the night and after I rung him up I told him to flip the sign on the door and I'd lock it when I finished my cigarette count… only, I forgot to ever lock it, and DeDe's traitorous ass, he fucking set me up. He knew I had a thing for Antoni, and when he saw him coming down off the platform and rushing down the sidewalk, he let him in and told him he was the last customer for the night and to flip the sign on the door."
She closed her eyes for a moment.
"It took me… exactly 16 minutes to notice he was there. I know, cause after I was done pissing myself when I figured out I wasn't alone, the Polish smart-ass showed me his watch. He'd set a timer when he realized I wasn't paying any attention to him, and then just stood there, waiting to see how long it would take. I had my earphones in, and it took four songs," she held up her hand and ticked them off with her fingers. "'Savage Like', 'Money, Sex, Drugs', 'Proud' and 'Only.'
"I turned around and screamed like a little bitch when I saw him. And then I got pissed, cause I was embarrassed, I'd been singing along to all the songs cause I thought I was alone in the store. I started screaming at him. 'What the fuck, you can't read? The sign says Closed.' And he goes 'No, it didn't. It still said Open. I turned it myself.' I hadn't counted down my register yet, so I just went ahead and grabbed his shit and rung him up, cussing DeDe the whole time and I asked him how long he'd been standing there, and he showed me his watch. And he says, 'You shouldn't wear those, it's dangerous,' talking about my headphones, and I said, 'What are you, my fucking father?' And he got kind of a funny look on his face."
I released a weak snicker, holding my stomach tight again. I couldn't resist fucking with them both a little bit.
"He kinda had a point, Becca. Although, I can tell you he was probably less concerned about being your father and more concerned about becoming your Daddy."
"Oh, so now you got the dirty jokes," Becca said flatly.
"What can I say, B, you're a bad influence on me."
"Eh," she said after a moment, "You wouldn't be the first. You know, months later he told me that he'd stood there that long because he didn't think he'd have the nerve to ask what he wanted to ask the next time if he left, which, you know, what the fuck? What am I, scary?"
I couldn't help but laugh again.
"Yes, Becca, you are, you're fucking terrifying half the time. You might be a short fuck but dynamite comes in small packages, you know? He was probably afraid you'd tell him to suck your dick and ban him from the store for a month like every other poor motherfucker I've seen ask you out, and he probably didn't want to go through your particular brand of ridicule in front of an audience, on top of that, with all the other customers laughing him out of the store."
"It ain't my fault I'm this size," she said after a moment, shooting me a perturbed look.
"No shit, Sherlock. It's genetics."
"It ain't even that. It's the blood. I mean, my parents were both tall, you know, for Koreans, anyway, my Mom was 5'6. I probably would've been too if I'd had the chance, but, you know, the blood it… stops things. Why do you think Jimmy looks the way he does? I mean, Pops believes in 'aging gracefully,' as he says, but old Giacomino is a vain fuck, and he's got more of a taste for 'the Stuff' than Rocco ever had. He turned 65 this year, he's only two years younger than Pops, he was already 34 years old when he met Nia for the first time. He tells people he's got a good plastic surgeon, when they ask. And the same thing happened to me. My body wanted to stay 8 years old, forever.
"Rossi had to get hormones, fucking estrogen and progesterone and HGH, off the black market to force my body to start puberty and to fucking grow. It's not like we could go to a doctor and explain why I needed the prescription. I mean, these tits aren't even mine. Ma bought 'em for my sixteenth birthday so I wouldn't feel so goddamned self-conscious. Nia's not exactly flat-chested, as you know, neither was my Mom, and it kind of gave me a fucking complex when I was growing up."
"I mean, is she? I haven't really noticed," I replied, evasively.
"Yes, you have, you lying fuck. There isn't a straight or bisexual man, or a lesbian or bisexual woman for that matter, that comes within fifty feet of Appolonia Bianchi that doesn't notice all of her unnatural charms. It made for some interesting 'family' trips during the summer when we'd leave the city, lemme tell you. I asked Pops once, you know, if he ever got jealous when she'd show up with some random dick she'd run across, cause I used to think it was pretty shitty of her.
"I said she could've at least kept things on the downlow and not throw it in Rocco's face every few days. But he told me no, he loved her, he understood her nature very well and he'd accepted what she was years before I was even born, and that she loved him too, and more importantly, respected him. She always introduced the men to him because that was what he'd asked of her. That it was the one aspect of control he had in the situation, giving his 'permission' for her little liaisons. That it made him feel better to let them know they might be getting a piece, but she'd be ending every night lying in his bed, regardless of what they did."
I nodded. "I guess I can kind of see his point."
"But, the blood, that's how I ended up pregnant. I mean, I'm not a dumbass, I know how babies are made, but I wasn't worried about using condoms with Antoni, neither of us wanted to. I told him if he gave me anything I'd cut his dick off, and he knew I was serious, too, and he considered it a proportional response. I didn't even think I could get pregnant.
"I stopped the birth control when I was 16 because it was making me gain weight and my cheer coach bitched me out in front of fucking everybody, and Rossi's guy said I needed to keep taking it to keep my hormone levels even. So I told Antoni I didnt want to get into my medical history, but suffice to say I was probably fucking sterile anyway, so he didn't have to worry about it, and he told me he wasn't worried about it at all. But apparently my fucking parts work better than I thought."
"Or maybe he had some damned determined swimmers, who knows."
"I don't know why I was even concerned about not using condoms anyway. Technically we were all excommunicated as of 2014. Pope said the mafiosi lifestyle isn't compatible with the Catholic one. You know, I wonder how Antoni would feel about all this, I wonder if he'd be pissed, think I lied to him about not being able to get pregnant."
"You're just gonna have to take my word for it, B, but he's not angry in the least, he's pretty fucking proud of hisself." I'd say his chest was stuck out but he didn't have much of a chest left these days, so I just kept that part to myself. "Pretty sure he said he wasn't worried about it because he was hoping you were wrong about being sterile."
Beccs gave me a strange look but the train arrived at just that moment. The people exiting did quite a bit of staring, unlike the people leaving the funeral, but I just tucked my arm around Becca and shouldered my way past them and found us a seat. The drops of water followed us into the train.
"What's with the present tense, Tony? Is that some kind of cliche 'he's lookin' down on you' bullshit?"
I snorted and wiped the bubble of blood from my nose, staring at the puddle of water that was starting to form in the seat next to us. I could feel the cold emanating from Antoni all along my left side. Oddly enough, it was easing the intense ache in my nearly severed ring finger.
"He ain't looking down on us, B, I can tell you that much."
"So it's a Hell joke?"
"No, not really. But then again, I'm pretty sure we're all in Hell right this second, Miss Rebecca, so yes, yes it is."