Following up on my last post, where I showed card timelines and match reports for what I call the "Classic Era" of Documental (Seasons 1-4), I now move on to what I call the "Middle Era" or "Hollywood Era": Seasons 5, 6, and 7.
(I'll move my thoughts about how I determine these informal eras to the comments. Long story short, Seasons 1-4 are available on English Amazon Prime, Season 8* gets shelved and the seasons afterwards (8 to 10) deal with the ramifications of that, and Seasons 5-7 just fit in the middle.)
One thing I really wanted to do last time is post the pictures of the contestants. These pictures are shown when somebody gets eliminated, so each photo has at least a couple of cards blocking the way, but I decided to suck it up and do some editing/AI work. Check the lower right corners to see my crummy patching jobs!
Enough talk. This time, after each season I'll add a couple of words, but leave a full review for the comments.
ドキュメンタル。。。スタート！

Season 5

My Singa-pole... oh, Macau, Macau, Macau...
Documental Season 5 Contestants
Documental Season 5 Card Timeline
Winner: Hollywood (sole survivor)

Akiyama Ryuji (秋山竜次)	Robert (ロバート)	憑依の肉弾クリエイターズ (The Chubby Imitation Creator)	0	6th

​

4:00:21	Orange	Eikoh	Takahashi	Takahashi's Shisho Karuta continues, Eikoh answers "Don't put your arm around my waist" for someone who Akiyama doesn't know.	Personal, Verbal
1:02:17	Red	Hollywood, Eikoh, Junior		Hollywood does wrestler impression, Eikoh puts repeating monkey in front of him, Junior hands Hollywood the harmonica - Hollywood plays harmonica and monkey repeats it (Akiyama: "in the exact same pitch").	Boke, Absurd

​

Takahashi Shigeo (高橋茂雄)	Savanna (サバンナ)	スーパー太鼓持ち芸人 (The Super Flatterer Talent)	2	7th

​

4:36:39	Yellow	Yamauchi		Yamauchi now checks Takahashi for bunions. Takahashi endures the first round but loses it at the leg.	Physical, Lost Endurance
3:44:52	Orange	Zakoshi	Tamuken	["Delayed He-monica"]: Zakoshi plays Tamuken's "He-monica" game where he receives a kanchou with a harmonica in his mouth and tries not to make a sound. He gets the kanchou but delays making the sound until he's right in Takahashi's face. Double kill with Yamauchi.	Absurd, Prop
1:10:27	Red	Jimmy (zombie), Tamuken (zombie)		["Jimmy trips"]: After Jimmy and Tamuken's zombie-time performance of He-monica with Singapole, after everybody endures, as they leave the room Jimmy trips on something. Double kill with Jinnai.	Accidental, Lost Endurance, Coup de grace

​

Kano Eikoh (狩野英孝)	(solo)	被ドッキリナルシスト (The Narcissist Prank Victim)	2	4th

​

4:11:20	Orange	(self), Junior	Takahashi	["Shisho Karuta jam"]: During the game of Takahashi's Shisho Karuta, both Eikoh and Junior reach to slap the card at the same time, then look at each other and laugh.	Accidental
39:45	Red	Zakoshi	Yamauchi, Junior	As Eikoh takes out his colored contacts, Junior and Yamauchi stare him down, but it's Zakoshi "staring him down" by putting his testicles on the table that gets him.	Absurd, Physical, Lost Endurance, Lost Concentration, Coup de grace, Targeted

​

Jinnai Tomonori (陣内智則)	(solo)	ミスターひとり上手 (Mister One-Man)	0	8th

​

4:42:29	Orange	Yamauchi		Yamauchi says he learned how to tell whether a person has bunions (or could have bunions in the future) from filming in Kansai, in osteopathy clinics. He licks Jinnai's foot and toes and Jinnai laughs. Jinnai says he got tickled, but he's told he has to endure that too. Personally my least favorite laugh of the show.	Physical, Absurd, Strict
1:10:27	Red	Jimmy (zombie), Tamuken (zombie)		["Jimmy trips"]	Accidental, Lost Endurance, Coup de grace

​

Yamauchi Kenji (山内健司)	Kamaitachi (かまいたち)	コンテスト常勝男 (The Ever-Victorious Konto Man)	2	3rd

​

3:44:52	Orange	Zakoshi	Tamuken	["Delayed He-monica"]	Absurd, Physical, Prop
38:48	Red	Hollywood		Hollywood invites his helper, "Charming Jiro" to show "Female Version". Tells him to get changed and he comes back naked in lightning speed, hopping in and showing "Male Version" and "Female Version" (covering his penis by pulling his ballsack up).	Routine, Absurd, Vulgar, Helper

​

Tamura Kenji (たむらけんじ)	(solo)	関西のサイドビジネス王: (Kansai's Side-Business King)	3	9th

​

5:19:28	Yellow	Kendo	Takahashi	During Takahashi's fit-sausages-into-mouth game, Kendo pops up with a surprising amount of sausages in his mouth suddenly.	Traditional
2:49:35	Red	(self), Kendo		During waxing Kendo's pubes, now with Kendo having a harmonica in his mouth, he pulls the waxing strip and doesn't pull much, just snags. Kendo reacts to the pain and Tamura laughs ("When Kobayashi's penis, who has been so gentle all the time, went crazy like 'uueehh', that got me and I just can't hold back.").	[Self-destruct, Absurd, Vulgar

​

Kendo Kobayashi (ケンドーコバヤシ)	(solo)	不惑のテナーエロス (The Man of Tenor Eros)	2	5th

​

2:56:51	Orange	Yamauchi, (self)	Tamuken	Tamuken wants to shave Kendo's pubes. Yamauchi says Kendo has a gentle penis, and Kendo smiles at the praise.	Lost Concentration, Fun
46:26	Red	Akiyama		Akiyama brings an old lady to help him with gymnastics. After many skits, Akiyama finds a paper with "69" written on it and asks what 69 is. She replies "That's my age!".	Traditional, Verbal, Helper

​

Hollywood Zakoshisyoh (ハリウッドザコシショウ)	(solo)	キングオブあらびき (The King of Sloppiness)	5	1st (survived)

​

04:47	Orange	Akiyama (zombie)		Akiyama arrives with the glued-on mask and talks to Hollywood: "You're being noisy, young man. You understand me? I can't take this anymore..." Hollywood smirks slightly.	Strict, Absurd

​

Chihara Jr. (千原ジュニア)	Chiharakyodai (千原兄弟)	理論派擬音ベシャリスト (The Logical Minded Veteran)	3	2nd

​

5:46:40	Yellow	Hollywood		Said to be laughing all along, but laughed at Hollywood's exaggerated Koizumi Junichiro impersonation.	Warning, Absurd, Boke
5:31:08	Orange	Takahashi, Hollywood		Hollywood talks about losing his virginity (encouraged by Kendo writing "Purin Hime" on his water bottle, referencing that story), and Takahashi responds: so when you lost your virginity, and he asked "How did it go?", did you say that "something gummy just came out of me?".	Verbal, Vulgar
28:32	Red	Takahashi (zombie)		Takahashi as a zombie brings out his helper impersonating Jouto no Teru from Be-Bop High School. "Gimme your pants, dude!" and tries to take off Junior's pants - Junior laughs because "it wasn't going smoothly at all".	Absurd, Helper

​

Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西)	(solo)	超天然系核融合 (Super Absent-Minded Nuclear Weapon)	0	10th

​

5:37:34	Yellow	Tamuken		When everyone writes their names on the water bottles, Tamuken writes "Ichiro".	???
5:00:47	Orange	Junior		Junior writes Ichiro on the cups and passes it to Jimmy.	???
4:53:04	Red	(self), Kobayashi		Koba put the egg on the candle holder a long time ago. Each time Jimmy laughed, he pointed out the egg, waiting for it. Koba asks Jimmy to look at the egg, the contestants spur him on. Jimmy looks and laughs again. Everyone is baffled. Jimmy explains that he was surprised the scale didn't go down from the weight of the egg, not realizing that it was a candle holder and not a scale.	???, Accidental

​
My Opinion/Summary:
The only season where there was actually only one contestant making it to the end, due to pretty strict judging from Matsumoto. Also the season with the highest amount of helpers. The regular cast is good (Jimmy laughing at absolute nonsense is pretty funny). The Chinese parlor skit with Jimmy and Hollywood included is also really funny (even if it is a repeated routine), to me it feels like a "passing of the torch" from the more experimental "newer" era of Documental to a more established (with a touch of formulaic) Documental. It's tricky to rate because the regulars (especially as zombies) do very well and it's interesting to see a "one man left standing" situation finally happen, but I personally think the group dynamic in this season is a bit weak, and I just don't care for a lot of the non-regular cast, especially Yamauchi getting laughs by licking toes.
FINAL WORDS:
Jimmy: "Toro, toro!" (Give me toro, I want toro!) (トロ、トロ！）
Akiyama: "Here, toro toro toro..." (Here you go, toro)（はい、トロトロトロ。。。）
Jimmy: "Miko..." (みこ。。。）

Season 6

Family, family, family! ("You are trying to escape from the family.")
Documental Season 6 Contestants
Documental Season 6 Card Timeline
Winner: Yuriyan Retriever (3 uncarded, won 3-1-0 on points... or judge's decision, if you go by what Matsumoto's words imply)
​

Yuriyan Retriever (ゆりやんレトリィバァ)	(solo)	ぶっこみバイリンガール (The Smashing Bilingual Girl)	3	1st (survived uncarded, won on points)

​

Kurosawa Kazuko (黒沢かずこ)	Morisantyu (森三中)	歌って踊れる肉塊 (Meat That Sings And Dances)	0	3rd (survived uncarded, lost on points)

​

Kondo Haruna (近藤春菜)	Harisenbon (ハリセンボン)	返し技ファンタジスタ (The Counter Fantasista)	1	2nd (survived uncarded, lost on points)

​

Daigo (大悟)	Chidori (千鳥)	荒くれハニカミ坊主 (The Rough and Shy Baldy)	1	10th

​

5:35:30	Yellow	Jimmy		Jimmy opens a soda bottle behind his back, it goes "Pssh!" and he says "Oh, is this soda?". Time not shown but happens during 5:35 and time shortly afterwards 5:31.	Boke, Verbal
5:22:52	Safe	Shoji		["Ramen, tsukemen, nukemen"]: Shoji, asked if he knows other people's gags, ends up botching Kanoh Eiko's "Ramen, tsukemen, ikemen" (saying nukemen instead, e.g.). Contemporary with Fujimon.	Boke, Verbal
4:31:10	Orange	(self), Jimmy		["Squeaker"]: After Jimmy washes his hair after the quail egg, Daigo gets Jimmy to sit and the squeaker sounds, but quieter than Daigo expected. Contemporary with Jinnai.	Self-destruct, Unexpected
3:04:59	Red	Jimmy	Fujimon	Fujimon gets Jimmy to clear his sinuses with wasabi, Jimmy rushes for soda water to get rid of the pain and says "You bastard... Fujimori..." to Fujimon (in Daigo's words: mistaking the name of his junior, who has been with him for several decades). Said by Matsumoto to be the fastest somebody's been out (not even close to being true, a total of 9 contestants have been expelled earlier in previous seasons).	Boke, Verbal

​

Tomochika (友近)	(solo)	変幻自在の憑依女王 (The Protean Imitation Queen)	5	4th (survived, lost on cards)

​

1:30:39	Orange	(self), Yuriyan	Kurosawa	During the "cheap musical" targeting Fujimon, Tomochika laughs at herself and Yuriyan's nonsense. "This is dog? No, it's not dog. Dog is her. What? What? What is this? It's the bean!" and as Tomochika sings "Do-do-do-dog dog dog dog", she laughs.	Fun, Joins In

​

Maeda Ken (真栄田賢)	Slimclub (スリムクラブ)	ハスキーボイスミュータント (Husky Voice Mutant)	2	5th (survived, lost on cards)

​

1:39:52	Yellow	Shoji, Tomochika, Fujimo		Shoji comes out dressed as a bee and tries to say he has an "immunity" (men-eki: 免疫). Tomochika asks if he means the Nagoya station. Fujimon tsukkomi by correcting her that's "mei-eki: 名駅". Maeda goes hmph.	Strict, Verbal, Boke

​

Jinnai Tomonori (陣内智則)	(solo)	ミスター隠れ天然 (Mister Hidden Boke)	1	9th

​

4:31:10	Yellow	Daigo, Jimmy		["Squeaker"]	Unexpected
2:47:47	Orange	Tomochika, Yuriyan		Yuriyan and Tomochika's improvised geisha performance. Jinnai endures through the uncovered nipple, but loses it at the "Should I go this way? Nope, I'll go this way and turn around." (こっちに行こうか。やっぱりこっちだ振り向いて). Fujimon was close, but Jinnai was targeted, and from his position he "just saw a huge butt coming towards him".	Targeted, Routine, Improvised
2:14:49	Red	Tomochika, Yuriyan, Haruka		Tomochika starts up another improvised geisha performance with Haruka. They target Jinnan who holds on, but just as Tomochika changes the tune and sings "Papa-ra-pa", Yuriyan appears and joins in the dance.	Targeted, Routine, Improvised, Unexpected

​

Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史)	Fujiwara (FUJIWARA)	(no description)	1	7th

​

5:22:52	Safe	Shoji		["Ramen, tsukemen, nukemen"]	Boke, Verbal
3:34:18	Orange	(self), Jinnai		Fujimoto sings Jinnai's blue jeans song, and when Jinnai tsukkomis "Why are you looking this way, dude" Fujimon laughs.	Self-destruct, Lost Concentration, Fun, Tsukkomi
12:41	Red	Shoji	Jimmy (zombie)	Jimmy comes in a zombie and does Fujimon's wasabi.	Boke, Absurd, Physical

​

Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西)	(solo)	(no description)	4	8th

​

4:47:42	Yellow	Maeda, (self)		After Jimmy's first quail egg launch, as Jimmy is wandering around, Maeda spits out the "used" quail egg. Jimmy holds back for a bit but ultimately laughs.	Counter, Vulgar
2:03:49	Orange	Tomochika, Yuriyan		After Jimmy comes out dressed as a villain and Yuriyan "battles him", Yuriyan randomly picks up a copy of "Brigham Young at Home" and starts reading from it in English, Tomochika interprets it in Japanese. Jimmy tries to run away and stick his head in the freezer, but he collapses at "A history of family" ("You are trying to escape."). "Family family family." ("You are trying to escape from the family.").	Routine, Improvised, Targeted, Explosive
1:51:29	Red	Maeda		Maeda comes out (during the improv musical performance) in his red outfit and grass skirt. After the performance, he gets asked what this is, and replies "Infinite testicles syndrome" and moves the grass skirt to reveal the bulge of many balls. Jimmy doesn't even see the latter part, he just laughs at Infinite testicles syndrome. Fujimon calls it the "loudest laugh in Documental history".	Verbal, Boke, Explosive

​

Murakami Shoji (村上ショージ)	(solo)	昭和ギャグ怪人 (Showa Gag Geek)	2	6th

​

5:36:27	Yellow	(self), Fujimon, Daigo		Fujimon plays around with Shoji's old shirt and does the nipple "in or not in?" game, Daigo joins in, he gets impatient and gets asked to learn how to wait by Daigo and Fujimon, says ta-ha.	Lost Concentration
3:40:44	Orange	(self), Fujimon		Attacking Fujimon trying not to laugh, he asks "Are you a rucksuck?". Fujimon corrects him - "It's rucksack", and he laughs naturally as he says "Oh yeah" to his own error.	Lost Concentration
08:36	Red	Tomochika		Tomochika comes out in the adult video tennis outfit and crawls around looking for her ball. Her short skirt reveals her panties.	Routine, Prepared, Vulgar

My Opinion/Summary:
The season known for having a large amount of female contestants, who ally for some pretty great improv routines. The Yuriyan / Tomochika alliance works pretty great, and Matsumoto is entirely right to say it would have been ok if Tomochika won too. I suspect that a lot of people really like this season, given how popular Joshimental is, but for me the non-female cast is weak. Especially the regulars: this is probably Jimmy's weakest season, and Fujimoto, as much as I like him, isn't really as good this season or the seasons after as he was in the classic era (I guess this is after the divorce, and after he changes his hairstyle to the horrible bangs he has now). Like Season 5, a bit of mixed bag for me.
FINAL WORDS:
Yuriyan: I will never stop!
Tomochika: Since the day we met, we are...

Season 7

Na! Ka! Ta! Na-ka-ta! I'm a peee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-erfect human!
Documental Season 7 Contestants
Documental Season 7 Card Timeline
Winner: Hollywood (3 remaining, won 11-2-1 on points)
​

Nobu (ノブ)	Chidori (千鳥)	Gallery: ツッコミ界のクセ強者 (The Addictive Tsukkomi Dominant) / Contestant: ドキュメンタル最弱芸人 (The Weakest Comedian in Documental)	0	10th

​

5:40:28	Yellow	Seiya	Michio, (self)	Michio feeds Nobu jelly and squeezes it suddenly, causing it to go everywhere. Though Nobu should be doing tsukkomi, it goes in Seiya's eye and he reacts with "Ah, it got in my eye!".	Unexpected, Absurd
4:31:27	Orange	Kato		["Oppai to Kitamura-san"]: Kato does Round 2 of his oppai gag, then suddenly switches to his Kitamura-san gag in the middle. Contemporary with Koyabu, who is safe.	Boke, Absurd, Unexpected
4:20:35	Red	Hollywood		From 100% Akira exaggerated to a couple of Adamo-chan on a plate, but collapses when Hollywood reveals just his "chinbou" (penis).	Vulgar, Routine, Absurd, Explosive

​

Kato Ayumu (加藤歩)	Zabunguru (ザブングル)	Gallery and Contestant: 悔恨の顔面凶器 (The Regretful Face Weapon)	2	2nd (survived, lost on points)

​

5:44:38	Yellow	Tamura		After Tamura's card, Tamura begins discussing whether he should continue or stop his Ciao, and Kato laughs because he thinks "How long is he going to go on about Ciao?".	Boke, Absurd, Unexpected
3:28:25	Orange	(self), Seiya		During Seiya's impersonations game, Kato begins playing along with the Tenryuu impersonation and smiles during it.	Joins in

​

Goto Terumoto (後藤輝基)	Footballhour (フットボールアワー)	Gallery: 鳥顔ギター男 (The Bird Face Guitar Man) / Contestant: ツッコミスナイパ (Tsukkomi Sniper)	2	6th

​

3:59:30	Safe	Seiya, (self)		Seiya places the delivery call for the paella after his pizza order as Goto does tsukkomi for the thing in his nose. The answer is "We're not close to you right now" - Seiya has no clue what this means. Goto barely holds it in as "we're not close to you at this time" (只今近くにおりません) makes no sense to hear as a response to placing a call for delivery. In his words: "今のだと聞いたことない。「近くにおりません」って出前の電話である！？" (I've never heard what I just heard now. "We are not nearby" for delivery!?).	Unexpected
2:55:48	Yellow	Hollywood		Hollywood's first Sakura from Mr. Children impression.	Routine, Prepared, Impersonation
1:18:44	Orange	Hollywood		Hollywood's Naoki Hanzawa impression. Asked to do Funakoshi Eiichiro's wife. Goes to phone - okaa-chan, okaa-chan! Hangs up and goes to Goto. Hanzawa again?... lapses back to Okaa-chan.	Impersonation, Boke, Unexpected
46:22	Safe	Koyabu		Koyabu's helper Naoyuki Imabeppu - "Just to-touch my nipples again.".	Boke, Helper
34:38	Red	Zakoshi, Koyabu, (self)		Spurs on Noyabu's helper Imabeppu to do Zakoshi's VTR "The answer is - anal!". Imabeppu and Zakoshi fall into a loop of Imabeppu: The answer was - anal! Hollywood: It's too dark, I can't see! But if I put on my contacts, the world chnanges! (refering an earlier impersonation). This loop continues until Goto gives in.	Lost Endurance, Helper, Absurd, Vulgar

​

Seiya (せいや)	Shimofuri Myojo (霜降り明星)	Gallery and Contestant: 天真爛漫M-1王者 (The Naive M-1 Champion)	1	9th

​

4:38:04	Yellow	(self), Kato	Nobu	Given as Kato's point. Seiya reads Kato's "Guitar Samurai" "book from the store manager" (comedian Yoku Hata's Guitar Samurai character book: ギター侍の書, a bit of a "classic" comedian from the early 00s) with stories ending with "tte iu jya naai? / zannen!" (Yoku Hata's gag). After a tsukkomi from Nobu and Seiya going on in the rhythm (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUKZ4iAugr0 for reference), he laughs at the punchline, being able to see it before he says it. Even as everyone points to him for laughing and the siren goes off, he manages to finish.	Joins in, Prop, Tsukkomi, Traditional
2:43:40	Orange	Hollywood		Hollywood's "サブリミナル効果" (Subliminal Effect) / Sean Ben-man video.	Absurd
2:37:32	Red	Hollywood		The rest of Hollywood's "サブリミナル効果" (Subliminal Effect) / Sean Ben-man video.	Absurd

​

Tamura Kenji (たむらけんじ)	(solo)	Gallery: 焼肉獅子舞 (The Grilled Meat Lion Dance) / Contestant: 関西のサイドビジネス王 (Kansai's Side Business King)	2	7th

​

5:48:30	Yellow	Miyasako		During an interaction with Miyasako, Miyasako brings up his stomach cancer.	Unexpected, Unfunny
4:50:04	Orange	(self), Goto		During Tamuken's hyponesis noodle-eating skit, as Goto eats the noodles, Tamuken says "Raise your head" as his head was already raised, and Goto almost laughs, causing Tamuken to break down.	Self-destruct, Counter, Verbal, Unexpected
1:32:10	Red	(self)		As the team discovers the soundboard keyboard, Tamura presses the leftmost key and gets Hamada's "Seika happyou!" (成果発表！/The results are!...) voice clip.	Prop, Staff, Personal, Traditional

​

Hachimitsu Jiro (ハチミツ二郎)	Tokyo Dynamite (東京ダイナマイト)	Gallery: 蘇る金豚 (The Resurrection of Golden Pig - oddly enough, this is Yamamoto's title in both seasons he appears) / Contestant: 重量級ツブヤキスト (The Heavyweight Whisperer)	1]	3rd (survived, lost on points)

​

2:26:06	Yellow	(self)		Smiles normally while explaining "It's no good if you watch it, but also if you don't watch it" about Hollywood's videos.	Lost Concentration

​

Koyabu Kazutoyo (小籔千豊)	(solo)	Gallery and Contestant: 新喜劇ベイダー (The New Comedy Vader)	1	tie for 4th

​

4:31:27	Safe	Kato		["Oppai to Kitamura-san"]	Boke, Absurd, Unexpected
1:53:53	Yellow	Hollywood		Hollywood's "fwah! fwah!" stretch pants from his Sakura from Mr. Children bit.	Boke, Routine, Prepared, Absurd, Impersonation
17:31	Orange	Hollywood, Kato		Hollywood's helper Koume Dayu gives his performance, Kato gets angry and makes him suck his boobs gag from earlier, which have nipples.	Helper, Vulgar, Absurd
01:29	Red	Hollywood	(self)	["Perfect Human Last-Minute Double Elimination]: Koyabu's right foot smells, Kato licks it, but then Hollywood flies against it with his head (the "Flying Man" choreography from Perfect Human) while chanting "Na-ka-ta! Nakata! I'm a peeeeerfect human!" (ref: the chorus of Perfect Human, sort of like a Japanese Gangnam Style, https://youtu.be/4Bh1nm7Ir8c?t=149) Miyasako collapses to his knees with a grin and Koyabu's face stretches open like Jimmy's does when he tries to hold back a laugh.	Counter, Absurd, Boke

​

Michio (みちお)	Tom Brown (トム・ブラウン)	Gallery and Contestant: 不可思議ペンギン男 (The Incredible/Insane Penguin Man)	0	8th

​

5:23:01	Orange	(self), Goto		Shows photo of Adamo-chan in makeup even in transit to next show to Goto, Goto's tsukkomi gets him.	Counter, Tsukkomi
2:30:34	Red	Tamura, Hollywood		During Hollywood's sunglasses zoom video ("Sunplaza Nakano getting huge"), Michio holds it, but Tamura retches from holding in the laugh and that gets Michio.	Lost Endurance, Coup de grace, Unexpected, Impersonation

​

Miyasako Hiroyuki (宮迫博之)	Ameagari-Kesshitai (雨上がり決死隊)	Gallery and Contesant: 決死のオフホワイト芸人 (The Desperate Off-White Comedian)	1	tie for 4th

​

2:04:55	Yellow	(self)		Says "I'm tired" and grins normally after "Of course you're tired" - lets his guard down.	Lost Concentration
33:44	Orange	Hollywood		Hollywood's "two-sword attack" with two repeating monkeys, Miyasako cracks at the accidental time lag.	Unexpected, Prop, Boke
01:29	Red	Hollywood	Koyabu	["Perfect Human Last-Minute Double Elimination]	Passive, Absurd, Boke

​

Hollywood Zakoshisyoh (ハリウッドザコシショウ)	(solo)	Gallery: ハンマカンマの住人 (The Citizen of 'Hanma Kanma') / Contesant: 超攻撃型ドキュメンタリスト (The Super Aggressive Documentalist)	11 (!!)	1st (survived, won on points)

​

3:21:55	Yellow	Hachimitsu		Hachimitsu's Kim Jong-nam impersonation through the sliding door: "Sorry for using other people's passports.".	Impersonation

My Opinion/Summary:
I suspect a lot of people dislike this season because of Kato (and Seiya, as per a commenter in the last thread) getting away with laughing and take a lot of control. But I actually like this season more than Seasons 5 and 7! I guess the group dynamic reminds me of Season 4. We have a lot of fresh faces, Hollywood is somehow even stronger than he is in Season 5 (this season marks the most dominant performance of a contestant we'll probably ever see: a whopping eleven points), and the mix of contestants just feels right to me (except Hachimitsu doesn't do much). It's probably objectively worse than Seasons 5 and 6, but it just hits the spot for me. Koyabu's face peeling and Miyasako collapsing to his knees in the penultimate minute at Hollywood's gag will always live on in my mind, as will Seiya managing to hold on, asking to let him finish with the Guitar Samurai reading even as he starts laughing, people start pointing, and the siren goes off - Zannen!!!
FINAL WORDS:
Hollywood: Two pieces of squid!? (イカ２貫！？) (exaggerated Chidori Nobu's gag)

Sorry, this is so long, but it is necessary. Please read through.
Now when I make meatloaf I do not bake it, I fry it. Yes, I am that southern.
Now you can either make your own blends or buy the store bought seasoning, depending on how much you are going to make. I would buy 2 story brands of Meatloaf seasoning. One for the meat and a bit of the other for the gravy. If you make the patties and want to freeze them, make the patties, and cut wax paper into squares and place between the patties, wrap tightly in plastic wrap and place in a freezer bag and freeze.
Now, first some seasoning blends.
Meatloaf seasoning.
Use the desired measurements that you want. Store what is leftover. Either 1 teaspoon or 1 tablespoon.
Beef
2 black pepper
1/4 garlic powder
2 onion powder
3 parsley
2 rosemary
1 savory
1 thyme
ground turkey/chicken
1 ginger
2 parsley flakes
1 marjoram
1 oregano
1 rosemary
1/3 sage
1 thyme
1/3 white pepper
use 1 teaspoon of seasoning blend per 1 pound of meat.
Now if you want the old fashion versions, here are 2 recipes, both are very good. Again, I do not bake it I make patties and fry them.
Meat Mixture:
2 lb of Ground Meat (I used beef, but you can use turkey)/ or a blend of the two .
2 Eggs, slightly beaten
3/4 c Milk
1 c Bread crumbs
2 Tbsp Dried Minced Onion (or 1 onion, finely chopped)
1 Tbsp Dried Italian Seasoning
2 Tbsp Shredded Horseradish* optional
1 tsp Garlic Powder
2 tsp Salt
1 tsp Black Ground Pepper
In a mixing bowl combine all of the ingredients for the meat mixture listed above.
With your hands, gently combine all the ingredients until they are mixed together.
Place the meat mixture on a foil-lined baking sheet and form into patties.
Again you can make these into patties and fry them.
STOVE TOP MEATLOAF
INGREDIENTS
1 package Stove Top stuffing any flavor
1 cup hot water
2 packets brown gravy mix divided use
1.5 pounds ground beef
1 cup cold water
2 large eggs beaten
INSTRUCTIONS
In a medium-sized bowl add stuffing mix and 1 cup of hot water and let sit 5 minutes.
In a separate bowl, mix 1 package of brown gravy mix with cold water. Combine ground beef, mixed gravy, and egg.
After the stuffing has sat for 5 minutes and cooled, incorporate the stuffing mix into the ground beef mixture.
Grease a bundt pan with non-stick spray and then press the ground beef mixture into the pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 45-55 minutes or until no longer pink inside
Once baked, rest for 5 minutes while preparing the second package of gravy and then invert onto a plate.
Serve with mashed potatoes and brown gravy in the center of the meatloaf.

A while ago, I posted a test that was to determine what kind of writer someone is, based on what part of the “modernist” spectrum they fall into. Part of the reason why I did this was to see how much I understand about the subject matter, since I will always have a postmodernist tell me that I am clueless as to what any of these are. Another reason is to have writers start realizing why they think the way they do, and possibly start questioning why they write how they do. I found out that, from the dozen or so people who took the test and posted their results to me, that most people I encounter and get along with online are modernist. A lot of these people reject mainstream media and they are secluded in alternative media sites because they don’t get along with the current overton window that’s among popular sites. I think it’s safe to say a lot, if not all, of these people are anti-woke, and they received 1 or 0 answers on the woke aspect of the test.
If I can pat myself on the back for anything, at least I can say I got the woke part correct.
Although the buzzwords I used for woke might be cheating since we all know I’m referring to something woke when I say something like “inclusivity” or “intersectionality” or “oppression”, because anyone who listens to even something like Joe Rogan will know these terms and treat them like they’re dripping with vomit and diarrhea. A lot of us, especially the classical liberal, center to center-right types, and even the center-left types, are tired of this woke nonsense. Even some guy who drinks beer while watching football and shopping at a basic store like Target is tired of this tomfoolery.
So this followup is to address a lot of the complaints I received and also to bring in some insight into how I wanted to conceptualize the test and how it turned out. I will also explain the relevancy of this type of test since some are wondering why something like scoring modernist means anything.
In philosophy, you are to hit 5 branches in order for your philosophy to be considered “full” or at least “full enough” to be granted a name. These 5 are:

1. Metaphysics (study of existence)
2. Epistemology (study of knowledge)
3. Ethics (study of action)
4. Politics (study of force)
5. Aesthetics (study of art)

If you hit all 5 of these at least once, you have a full range of addressing the stuff that makes up a philosophy. I tried to reverse engineer these 5 categories into 22 questions, and after the fact(meaning this evening), I realized that I should have had 4 questions for each category and then 2 questions about the reader and then the writer. The number 22 is related to the major arcana in tarot, with the 2 extras being the fool(the writer) and the world(the reader). That or maybe something like “what exactly do you write in your story?” and then that can relate to worldbuilding or something. It would have to be a question that lets us know what the person sees as a good world to write in the first place, because then that would show us the world they aim for, which is related to their worldview.
Or maybe to question what they read so that we can see what a writer finds interest in, so that it correlates with what they would write.
That was not critiqued by others, but I know I messed up on that. I was listening to a Jordan Peterson video where he said that a good survey questionnaire takes months of planning to get the wording right for the questions and the answers, and I looked at my test and saw I did it in a day, and went “well, I think I messed up, yeah.” My own critique will be taken into consideration so that I can remake the test and make it better. To repeat what I said in the test: I wish to use this to determine who to avoid when hiring and working with people, because anyone scoring even something like 2 answers on the woke mentality is something to be concerned about.
Other critique involves question 1 where the phrase “copy it” should be changed to “emulate it”. Yeah, I agree, that makes more sense, since copy makes it sound like someone is not putting their own spin on it or putting it in their own words. Imitate, match, resemble, something that intends to retain the purpose but including your own position on the matter. Question 17, how we get our knowledge, is a very open question about epistemology, and that one seems to have given a few people the woke answer by accident, even if they aren’t woke in the way they answer. The problem with the term “lived experience” is that people think it’s a normal term and it is one of the few woke terms that go over some people’s heads. The term is used commonly in correspondence with articles that feature globohomo artwork and they talk about how it’s important to have a person in your corporation or non-profit organization who holds “lived experience” and they are referring to living as a black person to know what a black person feels.
I find this incredibly woke because, as I’ll explain further later on, the woke are saying that the only way to know something is to be that thing, thus forcing writers to be, say, autistic in order to write an autistic character. Or they must be a woman to write a woman. Or they must be a black to write a black. This enforcement is what causes the demand for diversity hires, because somehow these diversity hires hold mystical magical knowledge that nobody else in the company would even dare to understand or comprehend unless they checked off some boxes first. On top of that, the term “pragmatic action” was poor wording and that’s my bad. I was trying to say something like “scientific realization” in order to attach the modernist to science. Something that is both pragmatic(able to be done practically) and part of some kind of education/training. You’ve done it, you’ve learned about it, you see others do it, that can be the modernist idea of knowledge.
Other than those two, I think every other question went over rather well, but I will still enhance them to be worded better as time goes on and as I revisit it with more of an organized “5 sets of 4 and the 2 big ‘uns” in mind. But then there comes the elephant in the room. The scoundrel who dared to question my authority and make a critique about the test. How dare they and stuff.
Jokes aside, I really like this kind of critique and it’s great that she put it into clear questions that I can firmly address. I like it when people are clear. It’s much better than that obfuscation thing the postmodernists always do when they complain about me without really having a reason other than something where they don’t like labels or they were offended that I dared to mention any category of anything. Page Zaplendam, a fellow writer, brought up 3 important questions which you can see for yourself here:

1. Where are the definitions of the terms?
2. How do you justify reducing things to something like woke?
3. How do you prevent people from rejecting pre-modernism?

I’ll address the first one to then follow through with the rest of the answers, because they all go in a long chain of “why, why, why” and “how, how, how”.
To begin the explanation, we’re going to need to establish what modernism is so that the others can be explained. It’s the word that created the reason we see a difference in aesthetics like this because this was the moment we engaged in what’s called the enlightenment. During the early 17th century and around that time, people started to remove their dependency on kingdoms and instead create nations and industry. Religion was also being questioned because scientific advancements through record keeping allows people to give better assessments on what causes something to happen in the world. The view of the world started to become more natural and so naturalism was common, as well as rationalism and empiricism. People were using logic to make their decisions and data to come to conclusions, rather than faith or scripture from prior.
During this time, the modern age, traditions were tarnished and deemed as unnecessary. Medicine allowed people to praise science instead of pray for a mystical cure. Predictions of weather with meteorology allowed people to reduce famines and starvation. Printing presses allowed books to become more common, machinery allowed more production of goods, and life went from depending on neighbors to depending on communities and global trade. This dramatic change in both lifestyle and mentality allowed art to enter the modernist art era, which is determined as art that experiments to search for new meaning and objectivity without the necessity of a deity, tradition, or the supernatural.
Mythology became psychology, alchemy became academia, and religion became fandom. Everything mentally changed under modernism to create an environment of experimentation, the romances took over, which led to the pulp adventures and existentialist works of things like noir. Weird tales brought us ideas of cosmicism, thanks to the lack of god or at least the lack of a god who cares about humanity. With this freedom from religion, the mostly liberal environment of modernism allowed people to make up their own rules, their own ideas of what’s real, and thus we were able to focus more on the individual, rather than the collective. Stephen Hicks has a great video where he lectures about how modernism came to be and what it is, but I can simplify it into the 5 categories he has on his chart.
Metaphysics: naturalism
Epistemology: empiricism and reason
Human Nature: Tabula Rasa(everything mental is gained from experience)
Ethics: individualism
politics/economics: liberal capitalism
As you can see, modernism caused this reliance on the self, but also reliance on science as a replacement for religion. It caused the worship of money, while also opening people up to other ideas thanks to the liberal mindset. The liberty to engage with other things allowed people to mingle with both good and bad ideas. This is actually why people, like James Lindsay, say that liberals caused things like Nazism and Communism to come into fruition, because the liberal is so open and accepting that they allow terrible ideas to take over the top of the social structure and they think it won’t touch them if they are on the bottom. This is also how dictators were able to trick people into treating them like a God, because the dictator convinced people that they were able to answer prayers and did this during their campaigns to get elected or during the revolution while they’re beheading their opponents in the streets.
In other words, the uprising of democracy had people rely on voting in the same way as people relied on prayers, but here it’s where we pray to a natural government and hope they do something we want.
One thing that we don’t like to realize is that colonization occurred because of a scientific superiority among the Europeans, and this scientific advancement was caused by years of wars and immense dedication to their royalty. Then there were areas they colonized that had a crazy amount of gold, such as Australia and the Aztec empire, and this abundance of gold allowed trade to skyrocket, while Indian trade and the silk road allowed wealth to spread across the globe. Diamonds and gold found in Africa, like a sick joke from God to force white people to go to such a hellhole to get the diamonds in the rough. It’s not that white people wanted to go around and rule the world. It’s that enlightened explorers and merchants wanted to make a crazy amount of money and these environments were inhabited by people who left these literal gold mines untapped, and these explorers used technology to take over.
No wonder modernism was full of that toga wearing utopia sci-fi stuff!
It’s not hard to realize why the Europeans took over entire empires with small groups of conquistadors. They had armor, guns, ships with cannons. Those Chinese must have their face red realizing they are the ones who sold them black powder. Every alchemist should feel bad and stuff that they are the reason guns were used versus the people who didn’t have guns. It was such a destructive force to use guns against savage tribes and kingdoms because it was both physical and psychological. It was like dealing with metallic robots who fired lightning from their arms and filled the area with a concealing smoke. That’s like showing a caveman a cellphone, their brains instantly melt trying to comprehend what’s going on.
So people are angry at the modernists for being… rational and empirical, and I guess being urbanized or industrialized. People are mad at capitalism for being effective and a good way to globally get along. They’re mad at liberals for being okay with race mixing. The utter nerve of such horrid actions. How dare people mix. I’ll make sure to tell my own future mixed kids that they should be ashamed of themselves for having parents who came from different parts of the Earth and that’s about it.
So modernism, do I like it?
Well, it’s not bad. A lot of my favorite stuff is modernist and usually when people say they want to go back to the old days, they point at modernism as the example. Hell, a lot of postmodernists now are saying they want to go back to modernism, and then they say they don’t, because they feel like it's superior, but they hate the idea of accepting that it’s modernist. I mean, that’s why it’s called postmodernism, it’s the thing after modernism is gone, it’s the rejection of modernism and also pre-modernism. But more on that one later.
I noticed a lot of people got mostly modernist as their answers on the test and it makes sense. Many people online, especially on alternative social media, will be actual liberals who are open to different ideas, which allows them to engage with things that both offend them and possibly something they see as evil. They’re open to having their minds changed and they are always willing to learn more because there’s a big idea on learning more and experimenting, which is something I can relate to because I’m always trying out new restaurants in my area and I don’t mind trying a genre that I’m not familiar with. For me, I have a bit of that liberal mindset because I try out a lot of things I’m not familiar with and I end up liking some stuff, but I usually stick to what I established as my firm ideas from prior.
For example, when I was a kid I hated eating beans and I refused to eat fish that wasn’t canned tuna. Now, after being more open, I love salmon and I love eating beans, which dramatically helped my nutritional intake. There is a healthiness involved with experimenting and there is also a risk factor. But if you know how to avoid dangers, I don’t see a problem with trying out something like a new genre you’re not used to, just to see if you can get into it.
I mention this because the modernist writer will experiment, but will also claim a truth that comes from rationalism, which assumes the world we live in is logical. Even if it’s chaotic and absurd, they’ll say it’s logical, because it’s predictable and we can interact with it. This allows their writing to hold to formulas through things like pulp, while also experimenting through things like weird fiction. There is repetition that happens, and this is why genres became a big thing, so the reader can tell what form of repetition they want to deal with through what they are familiar with. This caused what’s called a comfort zone, which is the state of mind where a person feels at ease because there is an abundance of familiarity and a lack of unwanted challenges. Genres create these comfort zones, and this is then where we have to talk about individualism.
Liberalism has the problem of causing individualism to slowly become sophistry and egotism. The person declaring they are the one who is to be relied on and they are the ones who make up their own rules becomes a person who can’t tell who they’re obeying. Especially if that person puts something above themselves, like race, or science, or nation, or the opinions of others through democracy. Thanks to romanticism during this modernist time, we were able to feel like we had an abundance of freedom and capability, but then barely a century later the rise of Naizsm and Communism caused people to realize that this capability is in relation to what the shadow is capable of. The darkest, most disturbing and destructive actions a person is capable of, beyond their imagination and beyond what we’d consider a “human act”.
This quick change into the most dangerous entity nearby is why I don’t trust anarchists when they say their utopia would be functional. When it comes to real life, that doesn’t work, we need a more powerful overarching thing to keep that shadow in check, and we need that entity above the human to be in check of its own shadow on top of that. And this shadow is also what causes the modernist to engage with things like dada and a hatred of art to the point where they can say the work is for them and them alone, or that all art is equal, down to where a turd on a pedestal is the same as the Mona Lisa.
The pro of modernism is a focus on the individual, which promotes movements like poetic realism and neorealism, which grants a look into everyday lives. The mundane can be put into the forefront and average people can feel like they relate, which allows the average person to buy the work. That is a great plus, and it’s why the most popular shows out there are stuff that involves soap opera style drama and an environment that is simple, like a hospital or a police station. The sitcom is a result of modernism, because only a modernist would find value in seeing a family hang around their house while you’re sitting in your house with your family watching someone else in their house with their family.
Now let’s get on with pre-modernism, after all of that introduction is said and done. Pre-modernism is everything that came before this enlightenment and this separation from God. Atheists like to say how atheism has been popular forever and they have simply been suppressed, but something crazy that they ignore is that every civilization, without ever talking to each other, before any contact with anyone else, became a religious, spiritual, civilization. We even have a name for this basic religion, called animism. This natural desire to be religious in humans comes from how we think when we are young, as well as how we think when we are not relying on science or even words.
I know this sounds strange but we think more in pictures and visions than we do with words when we don’t know how to read. Reading unlocks a vast amount of knowledge that can be gained practically instantly, but a lack of language in our ability to think causes an abundance of symbolism in our head to fill in the gaps, meaning the ability to read locks away this visual aspect. When we’re babies, we view everything as giant, threatening, and frightening. And why not? We’re this tiny soft thing that has a skull that can easily be dented and we’re unable to feed ourselves. We need someone to throw food into our mouths like bananas into the mouth of a hippo at a zoo. We have our parents doing stuff for us, and so our brain right away connects the two.
Stuff happening around us is caused by something like a parent, like an authority, like a sky father and earth mother. The father gives me brain stuff and the mother gives me food stuff. But then we’ll grow up and realize that something like the wind moves on its own, the moon comes up to replace the sun on its own, and the seasons change on their own. There’s something we can’t see that’s doing this, something beyond the sky and under the ground, and everywhere we can’t see, especially behind our eyeballs. There’s this strange image that appears behind my vision that is not of the world but of my mind, and I conjured it.
And if I didn’t conjure it, I had someone else put it in my head through a spell, in the form of words, which cast the symbol to occur in my mind. Writers in the pre-modernist age are spellcasters, wizards, that make sure something is explained about the mysterious and supernatural world that is beyond the stuff we see around us. This “rejection of the average” causes the pre-modernist writer to talk about stuff that are not only real, but hyper-real. It doesn’t speak about an individual and it’s not for an individual, because it’s attaching everyone under the same umbrella and form. This is why I find poor interpretations of mythology humorous but also rather useless.
People will look at something like Greek mythology where a god has a child with their sister and go “well, isn’t incest a bad thing?” Not only do they miss the point, but they forget that it's a god we’re talking about and it’s not a human. It’s not some biological thing standing in front of you. It’s the supernatural, it’s beyond something like biology. Or better yet when someone reads the bible and goes “why did Adam take a rib out to get a woman? Couldn’t God just make a woman without taking his rib?”
It’s like, you missed the point and you’re ignoring the importance of symbolism, and this symbolism grants all of the meaning that you’re missing from the bible. Yes, Eve is made from Adam, and yes, it takes a rib, because rib is a bone and bone is structure. A rib is near a heart, a protector of heart. Heart is courage, love, emotions, stuff that makes our blood pump. Blood is a humor based on air, and air is one of the 4 elements. The connection goes on and on and on, because this mythology is all connected together into one giant story that goes beyond the words stated in the story. Each tiny noun or verb means way more than it lets up to mean. I’ve been studying mythology for a while, and really trying to look into them before I say anything about them, and there is so much inner history with mythology that’s both present and reachable, but it’s practically endless with how everything connects.
And at the same time, all of this is essential, of a form, symbolic, and objective.
This relation to religion in pre-modernism causes the definition to be something like “the art form that depicts hyper-reality in an objective truth that involves the supernatural as a source of the natural and as the source of truth.
Stephen Hicks puts the politics of the pre-modernist as feudalism, but it’s more like monarchy, where you believe that there should be a king, because someone has a family line that was sacred enough to treat like one. In pre-modernism, we had ancestor worship in every culture, because your family line was important to keeping your existence relevant. This is because everything in the pre-modern age involved titles, which were granted by an authority, and many times this authority is a god or an ancestor.
Your title within your family is in relation to your family members and your last name determines your family’s title for others to recognize. If someone was a smith, they would get the last name smith, like say John the smith just becomes John Smith, and they will endow their established trade to their next of kin. So if the son of John Smith wants to make a living, he’s going to be a smith as well. There is this lineage and family business that is treated seriously, because if you step out of this title, you’ll have to create your own. People could do that by entering a trade or a guild, by learning from others, from gaining a title after being born a bastard, or whatever they could to get a title.
But the key factor is that title is important to the pre-modernist. What’s even more important is form, because this religious mentality creates the environment that perfection is possible. A metaphysical manifestation separate from the material world that is able to be aimed towards and sought after, even if unable to be reached. This was well portrayed in characters like Jesus, which Christianity dedicated itself to fulfill the traits of Jesus, due to Christianity being a religion where people follow the teachings of Jesus.
I would say that every religion had their own type of Jesus, the perfect form that someone or something has to uphold and look up to as inspiration.
Later on, alchemy came out of the prototype phase and started to connect all of these religions and symbols with each other to create more overarching symbolism that went for more core ideas. At this point, people could only argue against combinations and where something is in a hierarchy, rather than the validity of the claim of something like a single god or a creator. Sects of religions were made in order to determine different end goals, or different ideas in how a ritual should be done, or whether something like a church is important for worship, and these were the biggest sources of dispute possible.
You either followed God's will or you didn’t, and if you didn’t, you were a heathen. Heathens are sent to the bad place, believers go to the good place. We have a supernatural aspect of our body, beyond our body, beside our body, that went there for us, usually in the sense of a soul or spirit. The mind is an intermediary between the body and spirit that allows communication between the two at all times. This was usually depicted with gods like Psyche or Hermes or any other messenger god.
The gods would speak to us with omens and with us using clairvoyance. Any pattern in front of us or up in the stars could be used as a means to decipher a supernatural message. This message was easily able to repeat itself because there was an objective meaning to everything, which is why something like Zodiacs are constantly watched even to this day. Pre-modernist art retains this tradition of using mythology and symbolism to depict truths about the world. Romanticism was an attempt to return to this truth telling style during the modernist era, but Romanticism was absent of the religious aspect and was more of something like a neo-alchemical way of handing stories, where symbols were kept basic and for individual progress instead of a collective one.
A big part of pre-modernism is collectivism, especially the collective unconscious, which Jung coined later on when referring to his more pre-modernist analysis of psychology that heavily relied on alchemy and mythology. We used mythology to say something of value, with a universal or at least human level of objectivity, and the only way to miss the message is to deny that symbolism exists for them. Or at least, your level of symbolism in your interpretation would have to be so low resolution that it misses every point entirely and has zero context as to why mythology is important in the first place.
Mythology grants the idea that our world holds order, while the modernist idea is more about how the world is chaotic and we hold order to shape the world better. Fables grant the idea that particular personalities do particular things, while modernism declares that things change or can be grey and shows how. The black and white morality of the pre-modernist merged into grey once modernism kicked in, because there is the lack of theism under modernism.
We’re half way through the explanation and now we come to postmodernism.
Pre-modernism establishes that the supernatural causes order to cause truth, modernism changed that to say a secular natural world causes chaos to have us find truth. So what does postmodernist do to change all of that?
It rejects both and says both pre-modernism and modernism are wrong, and instead says everything that can be perceived is subjective and the objective is unknown to us. Stephen Hicks says in his video that postmodernists are really intelligent and well read into an abundance of stuff, and he’s impressed by that. I would have to disagree with him because it’s not like they read everything they did in order to understand it. They read everything and continue searching because they intend on claiming it’s not true, and use their personal interpretation to claim such. It’s very much like when a person studies mythology to then say “you know, the gods committing incest and magically transforming is really weird.”
Before I get deep into postmodernism, I would like to explain the concept of realism. Realism, in both philosophy and art, is to depict a thing as how it truthfully is. There is accuracy, there is something there that really exists, and it has attributes that causes it to really exist. Both modernism and pre-modernism have this as an axiom. Postmodernism on the other hand is ANTI-realism.
You cannot believe in something being “real” as a postmodernist because to claim something is real is to claim an objective truth, which a postmodernist is allergic to doing. They are unable to claim anything as true, because there is no proof for them to use, thus any statements they make must be an opinion and any statement they see must be perceived as an opinion as well. In all honesty, I have trouble finding postmodernists who go this far down the rabbit hole. All of them focus on subjectivity, but they’ll still try to tell others that things can be real in a colloquial way that lets them blend in with modernists. It’s hard to get people to follow you when you claim things aren’t real, so there is a form of deception and contradiction that occurs, but it’s also acceptable to the postmodernist.
This is because postmodernists don’t care about logic, and anything they want to claim as “true” is based on a social subjectivism that can also be considered an overton window that shows them what is acceptable to say and what isn’t. A lot of them try to push it, others try to blend in with it, with the intensity depending on how far they want to push their deconstructionism and reductionism. For example, phrases like “we’re all just stardust floating around” is a way for the postmodernist to seem deep with their reductionism, but it’s actually their way of saying they are nihilistic while trying to sound deep and poetic.
Stephen Hicks does have an amazing point in his presentation where he says truth no longer matters to the postmodernist and what does matter is power. That kind of concept comes from Nietzsche’s will to power (which is why Nietzsche is considered a proto-postmodernist, one who helped birth it into existence) and Marx’s historical materialism. The thought that human labor forms the material basis of society, and this idea being spread out into every 3rd world country(aka communist country during the cold war) means that a big chunk of the world is convinced of this concept of power through labor and power through capital that’s seen as “stolen labor” when it’s a bourgeoisie.
This leaning into Marxist terminology, thanks to communists and hippies, causes postmodernist politics to be considered leftist, and exclusively leftist. There is no way for a right wing postmodernist to even occur because the right winger believes in a truth through natural rights and there is no way to remove that aspect. This is why Stephen Hicks calls the postmodernist political and economic idea socialist, which what he really means is leftist. Although, socialist works a bit more for the political aspect since socialism is a wonky word that means whatever the socialist wants it to mean.
They think the worker owns the means of production and that some form of social relevancy should happen and the rest is dependent on what they want to advocate for. Not surprisingly, this socialist aspect quickly turned into syndicalism and later corporatism when relying on the government to enforce this social power upon the masses, also known as a cult of personality. The cult leader, or leaders, tell everyone that they have power, they tell everyone that they’re special, the people don’t question it because they think it’s a common opinion, and so the cult grows unrestrained. We see this at all times when people will both hold water for a politician for any little thing and also attack their opposition for any little thing, no matter how much of a double standard or fallacy they apply to their advocacy.
To the postmodernist, advocacy is labor geared towards power, with advocacy being the only thing you can do to socially stay relevant.
When it comes to postmodernist media, the key idea is exploitation, because the goal is to get as many views as possible and break as many boundaries as possible. Modernist rating systems are pushed and pushed constantly into exploitation to the point where new ratings are made and R rated material becomes the new norm. The grindhouse is a common place and is normalized, even though before these would be considered taboo, because the way the overton window moved more towards the left through their advocacy. The leftist postmodernist demands power as the social structure and so they demand power and are slowly granted it over time. But there is a bit of a weird thing that happens between how Hicks and I see postmodernism.
In his chart, he labels postmodernism as collectivist and egalitarian. I see this as a bit misleading since the leftist is not really for collectivism in the same way as a pre-modernist would claim we’re all connected. The postmodernist believes that we’re all connected in how we’re all trapped in our own subjective constructions, as if we’re all islands in this massive chain of islands and the water between us is the subjective separation.
For example, let’s say I look at a dog and another person looks at a dog. We both see the dog but the dog is one dog for me and another dog for them and there is this supposed infinite number of dogs who make up this single entity that takes up the space where the perceived dog resides. And not just an infinite number of dogs, but infinite number of things between what the dog is made of, with an infinite number of those for each smaller thing. I guess, to him, that’s collectivism, and the egalitarian thing comes from how leftist demand that people are to be treated equal, as well as all art to be treated equal.
Just like dada, which was a proto-postmodernist art movement, the postmodernist thinks that all art is equal, with the Mona Lisa holding the same aesthetic value as a turd on a pedestal. This allows the postmodernist to use juxtaposition to combine something of high regard with something of low regard, like say having classical music play during a moment where someone is being tortured in a grindhouse way. Or maybe another example is like how Tarantino combines low quality exploitation movies with high quality dialogue that people praise for its realism and tension. This is why surrealism became popular under postmodernism, because surrealism juxtaposes a high concept symbol with nonsensical low concept literal images or events.
Another aspect of postmodernism is the idea that art and real life has merged into a type of hyperreality that blurs the line where life and art meet. People record their lives online and turn that into media, thus turning even things like talking about people who are in media into a form of media itself(aka Hollywood gossip stuff and youtube drama).
Without much of a message or objective symbolism, a lot of postmodernist media focuses on playfulness, because messing with things is all that there’s left as a means of entertainment and media making. Personal interpretation as the only means of experiencing causes the postmodernist to aim for open interpretation work, using vague wording and dog whistles to hide intents that they believe a common audience wouldn’t like, but select circles would catch. And with this demand for social power came the rise of corporate media, where corporations crank out stuff with self made trends and control groups who guide the corporation towards more money, thus more power.
There is also a combination of media, usually in the form of merchandising, so that a form of media will still be advertised and thought about, even when not engaged with the media directly. For example, GI Joe started out as a toy for kids. Then it became a comic and a show for kids. Now it’s a movie series for kids. Transformers, He-Man, I think even Gundam. These things aim for sales first and then plan the story after, because it’s all one big marketing campaign. There’s nothing in these that try to say what is true, they simply try to say things that will have people think they agree with it, or at least can’t argue against it to where they disengage with the product that’s being sold.
This has caused postmodernist media to become both highly marketable but also highly forgettable. Things easily get outdated even if the tech level stays consistent because of intertextuality, which is the relationship one media has with another to grant the user of intertextuality with relevancy that can have the audience understand the reference. This is a fancy way of saying something like an inside joke or a typical reference like a meme that we see online. If you ever want to understand this one, just think of any Channel Awesome reviewer. They will try to make jokes that reference something in media, probably something they reviewed prior, in order to keep the dedicated fans in the circle of attention and make the new fans try to keep up with this intensifying requirement of knowing jargon.
Intertextuality can also be seen as a sort of specialized culture within a franchise or company or genre or just stuff that is similar, so that the people who are of the fandom can all enjoy speaking some special language with each other and keep out the people who don’t know about their niche idioms and references.
This combination of reality and media, along with removing objectivity from the equation, with high and low arts being combined through playfulness and for marketing, is why our media is the way it is today. It’s made like fast food, doesn’t offer anything for the brain to work with, and is actually more for our brains to turn off if anything. People like Ray Bradburry saw this issue with TV and determined it was going to turn us into Idiocracy, which he explored in his book Fahrenheit 451. People are indulged and distracted by the idiot tube, they stop questioning things, books start being called evil, the government enacts a war against books, all people have left are things that keep them dumb, and then they can’t even see a war that’s happening all around them and in their own backyard.
The benefit of postmodernism is that it can appear more creative and people get entertained. That’s about it. No more feeling like you need to tell the truth, now you can make a story about whatever. The only benefit quickly becomes the main problem with it: it’s a bad influence. Postmodernists can only deconstruct and so they’re never pleased.
We see this all the time with Channel Awesome reviewers where they will miss the point of everything in a movie, like say Last Action Hero, and even though Last Action Hero is a postmodernist deconstruction of action movies, the reviewer will scream and holler about how the movie can’t be taken seriously. Then when they are challenged on the integrity of their review, they will spin it around and say they were just being meta and knew it was satire all along, that nobody should take any review of theirs seriously or as their actual opinion.
Or better yet, a postmodernist fan will chime in and speak for the reviewer, like when I said Spoony’s review of Final Fantasy 8, yet another deconstruction work that people were conflicted on, was misguided and wrong. A bunch of fans came in and said “Well, that’s not his REAL opinion. He didn’t REALLY say what he wanted to during the months he spent working on that review.”
I guess the point of postmodernism is to NOT say what you mean. Because how can they? That would address there is an objective idea in their head of what they mean, and that can’t happen under postmodernism. So you’re left with this endless chain of people trying to make a satire or make fun of something that is already making fun of something and that thing is already not to be taken seriously, and… you get the picture.
But then, recently, a sort of organized idea sprouted out from postmodernism. This idea that everything is both power and subjective, while also being a social construct, coagulated into a unification of something under what is called intersectionality. In 1989, Kimberly Chrenshaw coined the term, which already was working off of ideas during postmodernism such as second wave feminism and critical race theory. Through the idea that extreme egalitarianism is the way, in a subjective way, these defenders of the marginalized demanded that media should cater to whoever they deem as marginalized.
This branch of postmodernism is known as woke.
For wokeness, there isn’t much of a history or even aesthetic choice to shift through, but there is an awful lot of jargon to explain so that people know what I’m talking about. So for the majority of the woke explanation, I will be explaining the special words used that the woke will both claim are super important to know, but will also refrain from defining because they want to keep it on the down low. They mostly want to do that because they know their reasoning doesn’t make any sense and because it’s self contradictory, but that’s okay for them because they are, by their own admittance, anti-logic and “there is no real wokeness”.
Actually, before I explain the jargon, I want to get into that “there is no such thing as woke” talking point they always do. This is the same thing as saying “I want everyone to do x and there is no x”. Or when they are less radical, they will say something like “Everyone should do x, but nobody has done x yet.” But recently it’s been more like “This thing in the media has always been x, which is why we need it to be more x”.
As you can see, the narrative is always changing and they are always telling people to do something. This is the opposite of postmodernism in how it’s authoritarian, but is part of postmodernism because of the subjective aspect, as well as the neo-dada form of anti-art. The “art” of woke art is meant to express representation, and this representation is supposed to be of a group, and this group is supposed to look a particular way, absent of any stereotypes, negative or positive, and absent of any grand narratives, pre-modernist or modernist.
Therefore, all we’re left with is… appropriation and exploitation of marginalized groups.
Something tells me they didn’t think this through. It’s almost as if their goal is to be the thing they claim to fight against, but they don’t want to be called racist or sexist or whatever phobic because they don’t want to lose social power. This enforcement of an ideology, an ideology that tries to equally exploit for money, is put under the acronym DEI: Diversity, equity, and inclusion. This is a profitable business to get into, because DEI is estimated to have corporations annually spend $17 billion on DEI programs and organizations by the year 2027. In 2003, it was estimated that corporations spent $8 billion. In 2022, that number was recorded at $9 billion.
What do these numbers mean? It means companies are wasting money on this and they’re losing money after enacting woke policies.
When we combine wokeness with the socialist/Marxist mentality of the postmodernist, we end up with a constant drain of capital on the end of the media maker. The one making the art LOSES MONEY when they go woke, which is why we say “go woke, go broke.” There is no intention on making money with wokeness. This is why governments added wokeness to what is called the ESG score, which is a score that governments use to subsidize companies that follow things like climate change advocacy, DEI, and following whatever regulations a country puts in like mask regulations.
Follow these things, get closer to the “leader” score, and you get more money from the government. This is why companies don’t care when they lose customers, because at the end of the day, they are kept afloat by tax dollars. Then the people in charge of these companies buy the lowered stock that was hit by a controversy, and they have it go back up between woke projects. This is why the CEO of a corporation loves woke backlash, as long as they can pretend they had nothing to do with the woke decision. This is why, for example, Budlight decided they had nothing to do with hiring Dylan Mulvaney AFTER the boycotts worked, instead of, you know, while hiring him to be a spokesperson for the beer on April Fools day of all days.
So the go broke part is for the company itself, while the people using wokeness for their benefit are grifting and taking short term gains. Same thing was for something like BLM, which is an organization that revealed the money donated for the purpose of helping black communities was instead used to buy the founders mansions. The idea that wokeness brings in the cash and it can be called “woke capitalism” is absurd due to the lack of longevity the concept has. This is like calling a stolen item that gets sold at a pawn shop “illegal capitalism”. It doesn’t mean much, and it’s just trying to tie capitalism in with something negative, which is hilarious since wokeness is meant for the left.
With that out of the way, I’m going to get into the jargon, which will allow us to see some of the “philosophy” behind woke. The first one is “critical theory” which is what everything under wokeness is based on to enact a policy. This is how they choose who is marginalized and who isn’t. The term critical race theory originated in the 1980s through discussions about laws because some people decided that equality was not enough. It’s not enough that you can treat a person as an equal, like how a liberal does, because somehow a person born in 1980 is influenced by their ancestry from 1480. Judith Butler helped popularize critical queer theory, which lost the critical part once that aspect was seen as bad, thanks to critical race theory.
They kept all of the critical theory roots, but they removed the word critical because they don’t want to appear… critical. This also happened when Lisa Tuttle popularized the current form of feminist theory, where they remove the critical part because of the stigma they know the word has. No matter what, deception and omission must be used to get their agenda through, because that’s all they know how to do. They cannot get power unless they deceive people into giving them their power. And I find that a little odd since critical theory is a Marxist theory that came from the Frankfurt School from a man named Max Horkheimer, way back in 1937.
Max’s idea was that the enlightenment was a mistake, making him anti-modernist, but the postmodernists of this school of thought will still insist that there is something modernist about critical theory. They claim it’s because Marx was objective because Marx thought something objective is whatever is practiced, yet nothing he claims that is practiced was ever true, so it’s sort of a strange way to misdirect people into thinking that his appeal to his own version of rationalism was somehow actual rationalism. In other words, it’s wordplay. But, we can still say something like his attachment to science being a key element of his ideology, with science trying to be used to determine the natural world, is sort of modernist.
And this is the first step into getting confused as to what anything is, which is why people need a clear explanation as to what something like a modernist is. A good way to explain if something is actually modernist is if you can ask a writer if they believe in marxism and objectivity. If they say no, then we can see that Marxism appeals to the postmodernist in a way that is by design, not by accident. This is why Jordan Peterson is forced to call actual Marxists “neo-Marxists” and “cultural marxists”, because of the constant wordplay that is used by the very same Marxists.
Now, I want to harp on Marxism due to the fact that every single critical theory that the woke adopted is a Marxist theory. Critical theory was based on Marxism and critical theory declared that cultural equality was required in order to prevent fascism. It determined that individuals are not the ones behind social problems, but instead these problems were caused by social structures and cultural bias. What are these problems and what are the solutions, you may ask?
Well, critical theory doesn’t have any of that covered. In fact, the goal was to NOT cover any of those and to just say “social problems are at the social level” and that’s it. Congratulations, theory complete. The social thing is about society and society is how individuals interact. So it’s not the individual’s fault, it’s how they act with each other that’s the problem. So the theory is saying we need to change our act in order to solve the problems, and this was followed by the feminists who say we need to help the women get up in life. This was followed by the CRTists who said we need to help certain races get up in life. This was followed by the Queer Theorists who said we need to help the LGBT get up in life. There is the body positivity, the handicapped, the “don’t slut shame me" movement, and the list goes on and on.
Now we’re in a world where all of these things are in our media and forced into our media because somehow critical theory is the new normal, but you’re not allowed to say it’s forced. If you say it’s forced, some people might reject it and then the enforcers lose power, so they will always say “this is how media always was”. This is how we now have people claiming that ancient civilizations were pro-trans and pro-gay, even though they weren’t and I thought the entire point in CHANGING society is because these social problems are ingrained into society?
This is how the woke say one thing and then mean another. They want the power, but claim the power is given to someone else, while they take the power for themselves. Something like gender is told to be super important and something even worth committing suicide over, but then the lady who made up queer theory says that gender is performative, meaning that it doesn’t matter. Feminism is told to be super important because this is how we can help women become equal, and then we’re told by the person who made current feminist theory that “you’re not born a woman, you become one, even if you were born a male.”
This “equality of power” that the critical theorists said they wanted quickly turned into an “equality of babbling”. Nothing under wokeness makes any sense, and neither does the origin of the term woke. It is meant to mean a person is awake, that they were sleepwalking through life and now they are aware that bad things are happening in society. What are these bad things? Well, whatever you can make up and convince others is bad, since it’s all subjective. If someone steals a VCR and they are black, you can say the police who arrested the thief are evil because they are oppressing a desperate black man who “wouldn’t have stolen if society just treated him better.”
Of course, this implies that rapists only rape because they weren’t treated well enough by society, but only of that rapist is a particular skin color. The woke quickly tie the “need to rape” with skin color, and then call others racists. Actually, now that I’m on the race topic, let’s lay out CRT and how they view race from their supposed “law related origins”.
CRT determines that race doesn’t actually exist, that white people created race to then create racism. I’ll say that again to make sure if you caught that. CRT, a belief about how race works, claims that race doesn’t exist. But then it blames a particular race because… it’s not racist. Did I mention that this belief is anti-evidence and anti-reason? Yes, they do not want reason or evidence to be used for laws, because these things are biased. Instead they want storytelling from the marginalized person, who is called black, even though they don’t believe black as a race exists. This storytelling can be something like “I was walking down the street and I saw a police officer and I felt fear. I should not feel fear. That means the police officer is racist because I’m black and they made me fear.”
To make it even worse, they determine that color blindness from laws causes racist laws to form, because discrimination can occur from certain laws like murder rates, drug use, and theft. Something like being on time to work is considered racist, because a clock is a construction by white people to keep black people down. There’s always something designed by the white man to “keep black people down” because they believe white people only have power because they can keep others down. This is why they advocate to pull all of the non-whites up by forcing white people to hire non-white people into roles in movies or something like a job or using affirmative action to force black people into college classes by reducing their requirements.
Apparently, when you go to the military, the goal is not to have a good soldier but to allow more women to get in by reducing the standard for them. The goal of getting black people into college is to reduce the requirements for them so that they can get in, while increasing the requirements for Asians because there are too many Asians in college. But if we look at media, and only the US media, we can see there is a lack of Asians, so Asians are forced into film sets. Yes, there are plenty of Asians in, you know, Asian countries, soaking up all of the film time, but they don’t count.
In fact, they don’t count because white people don’t watch them as much, so now we have to have an enforcement of Asians being translated into English for western audiences to indulge in Asian culture, which is why Netflix transfers money from the west to the east and tries to get a bunch of Korean, Chinese, Japanese, and Thai content out. A lot of this Asian content is also LGBT, because even though these Asian countries don’t care for such content, the west must believe that the east is super open about it. There will be something like a comedy about a pregnant male that comes from Korea, and the west will take that and say it’s empowering because it fights against gender norms.
Meanwhile, the story is just a postmodernist joke about how it would be funny if men felt pregnancy pain. And it’s because there was a postmodernist comedy called Junior which had the joke “wouldn’t it be funny if a big buff Austrian dude was pregnant?”
My point is that wokeness is just appropriation, through and through. If it’s ancient bigotry, they will say it’s woke. If it’s modernist liberalism, they’ll say it’s woke. If it’s postmodernism making fun of wokeness, they’ll say it’s woke. No matter what, they will spin something to call it woke, just so that they can say liberalism is evil and equality is evil. Their goal is to have an equal outcome, which is their excuse to give certain groups more money and fame, all while ignoring merit. The very idea of rejecting merit as a qualifier is the reason woke media is designed to lose money, and is also a way to tie woke to postmodernism.
I think this is enough explanation of the jargon for now. Not sure if I missed anything, but I think enough of a point is made on that part to have anyone understand how wokeness works. The metaphysics is the same as postmodernist, it’s all subjective. The epistemology is through lived experience because of the storytelling that’s deemed as superior to reason. The ethics is social justice, because they demand equity, aka equal outcome. The politics are marxist, meaning their goal is to remove capitalism because capitalism is an evil product of liberalism. And finally the aesthetic is what I would call anti-art.
I guess I might be able to explain the aesthetics, but it’s rather loose. The problem is that art to the woke is just propaganda. The don’t really give a story or plot with woke media, instead they just take something generic and roll with it, assuming they even give it a plot. For example, there is a woke comic from Marvel(since every comic from them is woke now) where a superhero gets stopped by a cop for being native american. This female, possibly lesbian, native american uses her powers to have the cop realize he’s racist by mind controlling him into thinking he’s racist.
Work with me here…
So the cop is at his house later and decides that he can’t live with himself as a racist person, so he shoots himself in the head. The native american woman watches him from afar and goes “my work here is done” and considers herself a hero for the day. Comic book issue over. So the plot of that story was “super hero uses powers to make a random cop kill himself because racism.”
There is nothing in the story we can call true, nothing we can call interesting, nothing can be called entertaining, nothing can be called useful, nothing can be called anything other than utterly pointless. But the point was to say “racism exists. Stay woke.” That’s the message. That’s the reason an artist spent a month working on a comic and that’s why a company invested money into it to sell it to people who decided to pay money for it and read it. I have no idea who paid money to read that, but I can safely say it wasn’t that many people.
The goal is not to have people buy the product, it’s to simply say the product exists and point to it and go “see, a company put money into that group.” This is kind of like an updated version of “everyone gets a trophy” but instead of everyone, it’s the non-whites, non-cis, non-straights, and non-males. And instead of a trophy you get a product people don’t want to buy.
This is why I consider any answer as woke in my test as an indication of a person being woke. You really do need to jump through a bunch of hurdles to get stuck into this kind of mentality and the only question that people got woke was the one where lived experience is the answer. I think a better term might be anecdotal evidence, because like I said, the woke will reject reason and evidence and instead focus on storytelling, with storytelling here meaning you’re saying what you thought happened through your subjective opinion, and this can be anything you want it to be.
Hell, I can say something like “I felt like a unicorn” and that is considered a lived experience, because somehow I know what a unicorn feels like and somehow you now need to believe I did. So maybe anecdotal is the proper term to use, but then the woke will avoid that one since they know it looks like a fallacy and they can’t socially bring themselves to be stigmatized like that when they think it’s not acceptable. So it’s one of those things where I can either have one wording that causes a false positive or the other wording that will cause a false negative. But, then again, if someone is woke already, they would fail other questions anyway, so maybe I can put that one as not really important to worry about.
So there you have it, definitions and grave detail into all 4 types. I’m sure someone will conjure up more questions and I’m sure a postmodernist will say I’m wrong about everything, but at that point, I did my part so it’s not my problem.
Onto the next section that follows the next question: How do you justify reducing things to something like woke?
Reductionism is when you take something that is complex, like a story, and reduce it to particular fundamentals to provide a sufficient explanation. This is something like when a story gets reduced to a genre when you label it with a genre, because the genre is fundamental. This can also be something like calling yourself a Christian when you believe in the teachings of Christ. Sure, you have other qualities about yourself, but this can be an explanation into something that explains very quickly because it broadens the scope. But the question is HOW do I do this with something like woke, or modernism.
Simple: you look at the definition and go “ah, I see, that’s what it’s doing.”
Pre-modernism and modernism are objective, postmodernism and woke are subjective. Already these two groups are split by a single key factor. I can instantly say woke is a terrible storytelling way of thinking because the goal is to treat merit and superior quality as oppressive, so there is no possible way of making a good story that’s woke. It’s, by design, unable to be good. If we take postmodernism, we can say that it instantly rejects telling the truth, so it must make something up with exploitation and it’s going to be like fast food for the brain. It is, by design, unable to stand the test of time.
But then if we take something like modernism, we can see a truth is there, even if it tries to be individual, because then a guide based on personalities can be seen, and a way might be unlocked. This is why a modernist story is considered classic, and we look up to it as inspiration. Pre-modernism is as primitive and societally significant as you can get, to the point where it’s part of history books as a mythology. We base entire cultures around this type of media and we follow through with our daily life by using this type of media as a guide. In fact, pre-modernism is found IN postmodernism by accident when a postmodernist tries to appropriate, which is why we can find something like alchemy and Gnosticism in a postmodernist movie like The Matrix. There are modernist concepts like The Rabbit Hole in The Matrix, despite The Matrix trying to subvert it and reject it.
So like a genre, the direction of your modernist variant is reliant on both intention and focus, rather than if something is there. I can have a cockroach crawl into my cake when I’m baking it, that doesn’t mean cockroach is part of the recipe. So the goal of the test is to see what kind of recipe people are following and we can determine what kind of cook they are in how they view recipes. There is no danger of reductionism because reductionism is used to prevent dangers. In fact, in the most ironic way possible, to claim reductionism is dangerous here is to use dangerous reductionism to make such a claim, because it reduces the entire process to the idea of dangerous.
Now for the last question: How do you prevent people from rejecting pre-modernism?
Page has determined that if you claim form = function = truth, then you have caused pre-modernism to be the same as woke. As I’ve explained, they aren’t the same thing. Yes both are based on religions, with wokeness being based on Gnosticism, which is to self worship and deem yourself as the true god that is imprisoned in your body by the demiurge, but that isn’t the same thing as “telling an actual truth”.
Gnosticism is sophistry mixed with satanism. I always forget the term and can never find it, but it’s the belief that you’re alone and you’re talking to yourself even when you talk to others. This is how people get trapped in an echo chamber, because all the can do is hear themselves talk and tackle their own ideas of what could be wrong, which requires them accepting they could be wrong, and if they don’t accept that possibility, then everything goes in one ear and out the other. They start to follow a script, become an NPC, and all they can do is become violent once the script runs dry.
Can the pre-modernist become the same thing? Absolutely not. The benefit of a pre-modernist is that we don’t believe we rule the world. We understand that the world is in control, the supernatural controls the world, and we are below all of that as measly humans. We are the cameraman, not the director. Better yet, we are the audience watching a live feed with a cameraman controlling what we get to see, and we’re not involved in any of the production. This acceptance of humility allows the pre-modernist to seek truth, which is how a mythology is born in the first place. The only valid criticism is that the subjects become so grand and universal that they are basic and unable to really tackle the more personal and social issues that modernism tackles.
This basic and broadness is what Page considered “unentertaining”. But during a later exchange, during the making of this response, I found something fascinating. Page’s definition of entertaining is contradictory, because she believes it is objective in the fact that entertainment exists, but WHAT WE SEE as entertaining is subjective. So the complaint that something could be unentertaining isn’t valid, because it doesn’t mean anything if it’s subjective. It’s like saying a traditional dish doesn’t taste good and that’s why that traditional dish is bad to limit people to it.
Well, what if every good dish becomes traditional because people see it as tasty? I am not limited to my own personal tradition, I can enjoy another person’s tradition. I can eat sushi as a German who loves bratwurst and sauerkraut. I can eat pad thai and I can eat sweet and sour pork. I can eat baba ghanoush and shepherd’s pie.
Do you know why I can eat these? Because they are all food that is made of nutrients that people ate since the dawn of time. My human body needs stuff that humans eat for nutrients and there is a select number of nutrients that I need per day because it’s the stuff my body uses. Same goes for storytelling and the specific things my brain will use to gain wisdom and intelligence. The pre-modernist believes that there are these end points that we can address and say “this is the form, this is the end point, can’t go past that.”
The modernist claims “this is scientifically why we can’t go past a certain point, but we might get more information later that will allow us to pass that point.”
Then the postmodernist says “that point is a made up line, the limitation is made up, and the idea you’re in a particular position is also made up, so just mess with things and call them different things.”
Then the woke say “That point doesn’t exist but it’s oppressing me.”
As you can see, the pre-modernist is the most coherent because it’s the most accepting of how things are. I think what Page misunderstood is that some people think a form is what humans determine the form to be, and the form is left as that. Wrong. Form is to reach an endpoint and we cannot physically reach this endpoint, meaning the form will only be in our mental state through symbolism when we’re trying to think of such. Thus, symbolism is the key factor, and all you have to do is make the symbol more clear.
What really struck me as odd is that Page also declared the Bible as entertaining, meaning a pre-modernist work is the prime example of entertaining while her rejection of pre-modernism is because it is not entertaining. I cannot make any sense of that contradiction other than maybe Page believing that media being full of lies is entertainment and that’s not allowed under pre-modernism, which doesn’t mean anything to me.
That’s like going “well, your philosophy doesn’t allow contradictions and uses only logic, so it’s not a good philosophy.”
At that point, we simply have to call such a person postmodernist, because only a postmodernist would demand such a thing.
What am I going to do now that the test was tested? Well, I am sure I am going to make 5 sets of 4 questions for sure, with the 2 overarching questions added in the beginning and end. I will also try to use that google forms thing so that it can be a real test. When I get a website up for my company, I will have the test as part of the entrance exam to join the club. Pre-modernists are preferred, modernists are welcomed, postmodernists are tolerated, and woke are excluded. Sorry, we don’t allow such hateful people into the club. We like to work with normal functional people, and the woke do not meet either requirement.
And I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am working on the test to have writers see what they KNOW about writing. That one is going to be a bit harder to put together, since I was thinking of getting written answers rather than multiple choice. I think the hardest part with that one will be figuring out how to work in creativity, since that one is tricky to sense if it’s intentional or accidental. But, like always, if I need help, I’ll ask.
Till next time.

Pokemon X and Y will be celebrating its 10th anniversary soon. With this in mind and more support for the Generation 6 games popping up, I felt it was time to look back at the game’s most defining feature: Mega Evolution.
Mega Evolution continues to be one of the most requested features to return to the Pokemon series. Despite many different attempts in other generations to introduce newer and better mechanics, fans continue to ask for Megas. It's easy to see why too. The ability to transform with buffed stats, a better ability, and a fresh new look would make any Pokemon exciting to use again.
While Mega Evolution is viewed favorably, it may not be as good as fans remember. I’m hoping to explore its shortcomings along with a few ideas on how to fix it. I do lean into a competitive perspective, but many points can still be applied to casual story playthroughs. With that said, here are 15 reasons that I believe made Mega Evolution a weak mechanic.

1. Not all Pokemon can use Mega Evolution
2. The Opportunity Cost with a Weaker Mega Evolution
3. Only One Mega Evolution per Battle
4. The Base Forms were Outclassed
5. Blocked New Evolutions
6. Increase of 100 BST
7. Mega Stones and Held Items
8. Dependence on Abilities
9. The Template for Megas was too Strict
10. Multiple Mega Forms were Rare
11. Min/Max Playstyle
12. No Counterplay
13. Team Building
14. No Risk to Activate
15. Cannot Transform Back

Not all Pokemon can use Mega Evolution

Thanks to the power of hindsight, it is more clear what a problem this was for Mega Evolution, seeing as all future generational gimmicks have avoided the issue. The only Pokemon that could use Mega Evolution were those that were given a Mega form. If your favorite Pokemon did not have a Mega form, it simply could not engage with the mechanic. Other than giving every fully evolved Pokemon a Mega form, I do not see an easy way out of this problem.

The Opportunity Cost of a Weaker Mega Evolution

Competitive play will always seek out the most optimal strategies. Not all Megas need to be perfectly balanced amongst each other, as some are bound to be stronger than others. But the variance in power levels was too much. Mega Evolution was meant to put a spotlight on the Pokemon that received these forms. But when it came to competitive play, only a handful actually stayed relevant. So long as Mega Evolution is limited to once per battle, this cannot be solved.

Only One Mega Evolution per Battle

The above point was exacerbated by the fact that you can only use Mega Evolution once per battle. Weaker Mega Evolutions still saw little usage because the stronger Megas took the one and only mega slot on the team. Even if one of these weaker Megas was fun or interesting, if it could not keep up with the stronger picks, it would not be picked at all. Allowing for multiple weaker Megas in the same battle, or a single strong Mega, would give the weaker Pokemon a better chance at that coveted team spot.

The Base Forms were Outclassed

This may come off as a weird argument. Because of course the Pokemon should become stronger after it Mega Evolves. But this may not be for the best in many cases. If you see a Kangaskhan on your opponent’s team, you can count on it to Mega Evolve. Personally, Megas were at their most interesting when the base form was on a similar level to the Mega.

Blocked New Evolutions

A transformation that was strictly better than the form a Pokemon originally took? That sounds like a normal evolution too! Many of the Pokemon that received Mega Evolutions could have been better served with a normal evolution instead. These evolutions would stand the test of time better and not be cut along with Mega Evolution itself.

Increase of 100 BST

Upon Mega Evolving, every Pokemon saw an increase of 100 points to their base stat total. Pokemon like Garchomp got creative by lowering some stats to further heighten others, but it still resulted in a 100 point increase in the end. This treatment is equal, but not fair. Many felt Mega Evolution should have been used to buff up weaker Pokemon to keep up with the modern meta. But this universal BST increase did not reduce that gap at all due to too many strong Pokemon also receiving Megas. Catering the BST increase to each Pokemon would have been a better, though more involved approach.

Mega Stones and Held Items

Mega Stones were another universal trait of Mega Evolution (except Mega Rayquaza lol), being required as the held item to Mega Evolve at all. While not a fundamentally flawed idea, this choice ultimately hindered creative builds by denying the use of other battle items on your Mega. Instead, weaker Megas could have different requirements to Mega Evolve, such as a wide variety of items, if any item is required at all. Again, catering the held item requirement to each Mega Evolution would be a better approach.

Dependence on Abilities

While it's great to see weaker Pokemon buffed with a powerful ability, this design approach made the quality of a Mega depend on their ability. Abilities like Tough Claws, Huge Power, or Adaptability were commonly picked for Megas and all had a similar theme of increasing the Pokemon’s damage output. Because Mega’s are locked into this one and only ability upon transforming, they are often left with only a single viable playstyle that takes advantage of their ability. Access to more abilities for Mega forms with a wider variety of abilities would alleviate this issue.

The Template for Megas was too Strict

All of the inherent traits of Mega Evolution were too strict. The 100 BST increase, forced to hold a Mega stone, the new ability, and limiting battles to just 1 Mega, were all too restrictive to be universally applied. Some Pokemon could have evolved with other held items. The ability of the base form could have influenced the ability of the Mega. Some Pokemon that were already strong did not need the same 100 BST increase that weaker Pokemon got. Easing up on these rules would make Megas feel more fresh and give more breathing room for creative designs in the future.

Multiple Mega Forms were Rare

While every other Pokemon received just 1 Mega form, Charizard and Mewtwo both received an X and Y form. This system is brilliant and could be used to fix many of the other issues listed above. Different forms could have different BST increases, different abilities, or even different held item requirements. This would make Megas less predictable and more exciting to see in battle. Without a doubt though, creating 2 Mega forms for the same Pokemon would be more work than creating just 1. Even if visually the 2 forms were identical, I believe this addition would be worth it.

Min/Max Playstyle

Often thanks to the chosen ability for a Mega, most Mega evolutions had very narrow, but very powerful options. Abilities like Mega Launcher funneled players into using a very limited pool of moves to take full advantage of this ability. Each Mega seems to have an intended play style. An extreme and powerful style, but also predictable and boring. An X and Y form for each Mega could have given each Pokemon more options to adapt the player’s needs, as well as relieve the pressure to min/max every Mega into a certain play style.

No Counterplay

Mega Evolution is often looked at through the perspective of the user. But how does one approach it differently when their opponent uses it? Simply put, a Mega Evolved Pokemon is approached the same way as any other Pokemon. Any strategy used to counter your opponent’s use of Mega Evolution could be equally applied to a normal Pokemon. Unless Mega Evolution fundamentally changes with new drawbacks or activation requirements, I do not see a clear fix.

Team Building

Building your team is no simple task, especially for competitive battling. Mega Evolution requires consideration in this phase as well, because you cannot Mega Evolve without equipping a Mega Stone before a battle begins. Sacrificing a held item is not a small ask, so the choice of who can utilize Mega Evolution on your team is crucial. Because the stakes are so high before the battle even begins, the need to plan your Mega before battling only exacerbates the opportunity cost of using a weaker Mega. When in doubt, players will of course plan to use the most powerful Mega, rather than risk a weaker one. A better system would be more flexible and open to improvisation mid battle. Players could still approach a battle with a particular Mega in mind, but be allowed to change their mind depending on the flow of battle.

No Risk to Activate

Other than the preparations required before a battle even begins, there is effectively no drawback to Mega Evolving. With no cost or risk to activate, players almost always would Mega Evolve immediately after sending out their Pokemon. A Dynamax like approach limiting Megas to only 3 turns could have drastically changed the mechanic, for better or worse. But this 3 turn limit adds an extra layer of depth that Megas are missing. The will to stall out your opponent’s Mega or the risk that comes with timing your own may be the push and pull needed to make the act of Mega Evolution more interesting.

Cannot Transform Back

Mega Evolution is unique from regular evolutions because it is only temporary. But this temporary status is never felt in battle, as you only transform back once the battle ends. The inability to revert back to the base form silently hurts Mega Evolution. Transforming back to the original form, intentionally or not, makes for a more dynamic mechanic as well as selling the temporary aspect of Mega Evolution. Due to many Megas being clearly superior to their base forms, this would be a negative for most Pokemon. Others could take advantage of the mechanic, alternating between different abilities. Or maybe even tagging out one Mega to instead Mega Evolve another.

Conclusion

Leading up to its release in Pokemon X and Y, Mega Evolution was an exciting idea to freshen up the stale Pokemon formula. Though ultimately removed in Pokemon Sword and Shield, many fans still want to see Mega Evolution brought back to the main series game. But after considering all the shortcomings of Mega Evolution, I find it has too many problems to warrant a return.
This topic is complex and my word is by no means final. This is also not a dismissal of the shortcomings of other battle mechanics. Mega Evolution is clearly still very loved by the community and that is not without reason. I hope that keeping both the good and bad in mind can lead to a productive discussion on the quality of Mega Evolution.

Pokemon X and Y will be celebrating its 10th anniversary soon. With this in mind and more support for the Generation 6 games popping up, I felt it was time to look back at the game’s most defining feature: Mega Evolution.
Mega Evolution continues to be one of the most requested features to return to the Pokemon series. Despite many different attempts in other generations to introduce newer and better mechanics, fans continue to ask for Megas. It's easy to see why too. The ability to transform with buffed stats, a better ability, and a fresh new look would make any Pokemon exciting to use again.
While Mega Evolution is viewed favorably, it may not be as good as fans remember. I’m hoping to explore its shortcomings along with a few ideas on how to fix it. I do lean into a competitive perspective, but many points can still be applied to casual story playthroughs. With that said, here are 15 reasons that I believe made Mega Evolution a weak mechanic.

1. Not all Pokemon can use Mega Evolution
2. The Opportunity Cost with a Weaker Mega Evolution
3. Only One Mega Evolution per Battle
4. The Base Forms were Outclassed
5. Blocked New Evolutions
6. Increase of 100 BST
7. Mega Stones and Held Items
8. Dependence on Abilities
9. The Template for Megas was too Strict
10. Multiple Mega Forms were Rare
11. Min/Max Playstyle
12. No Counterplay
13. Team Building
14. No Risk to Activate
15. Cannot Transform Back

Not all Pokemon can use Mega Evolution

Thanks to the power of hindsight, it is more clear what a problem this was for Mega Evolution, seeing as all future generational gimmicks have avoided the issue. The only Pokemon that could use Mega Evolution were those that were given a Mega form. If your favorite Pokemon did not have a Mega form, it simply could not engage with the mechanic. Other than giving every fully evolved Pokemon a Mega form, I do not see an easy way out of this problem.

The Opportunity Cost of a Weaker Mega Evolution

Competitive play will always seek out the most optimal strategies. Not all Megas need to be perfectly balanced amongst each other, as some are bound to be stronger than others. But the variance in power levels was too much. Mega Evolution was meant to put a spotlight on the Pokemon that received these forms. But when it came to competitive play, only a handful actually stayed relevant. So long as Mega Evolution is limited to once per battle, this cannot be solved.

Only One Mega Evolution per Battle

The above point was exacerbated by the fact that you can only use Mega Evolution once per battle. Weaker Mega Evolutions still saw little usage because the stronger Megas took the one and only mega slot on the team. Even if one of these weaker Megas was fun or interesting, if it could not keep up with the stronger picks, it would not be picked at all. Allowing for multiple weaker Megas in the same battle, or a single strong Mega, would give the weaker Pokemon a better chance at that coveted team spot.

The Base Forms were Outclassed

This may come off as a weird argument. Because of course the Pokemon should become stronger after it Mega Evolves. But this may not be for the best in many cases. If you see a Kangaskhan on your opponent’s team, you can count on it to Mega Evolve. Personally, Megas were at their most interesting when the base form was on a similar level to the Mega.

Blocked New Evolutions

A transformation that was strictly better than the form a Pokemon originally took? That sounds like a normal evolution too! Many of the Pokemon that received Mega Evolutions could have been better served with a normal evolution instead. These evolutions would stand the test of time better and not be cut along with Mega Evolution itself.

Increase of 100 BST

Upon Mega Evolving, every Pokemon saw an increase of 100 points to their base stat total. Pokemon like Garchomp got creative by lowering some stats to further heighten others, but it still resulted in a 100 point increase in the end. This treatment is equal, but not fair. Many felt Mega Evolution should have been used to buff up weaker Pokemon to keep up with the modern meta. But this universal BST increase did not reduce that gap at all due to too many strong Pokemon also receiving Megas. Catering the BST increase to each Pokemon would have been a better, though more involved approach.

Mega Stones and Held Items

Mega Stones were another universal trait of Mega Evolution (except Mega Rayquaza lol), being required as the held item to Mega Evolve at all. While not a fundamentally flawed idea, this choice ultimately hindered creative builds by denying the use of other battle items on your Mega. Instead, weaker Megas could have different requirements to Mega Evolve, such as a wide variety of items, if any item is required at all. Again, catering the held item requirement to each Mega Evolution would be a better approach.

Dependence on Abilities

While it's great to see weaker Pokemon buffed with a powerful ability, this design approach made the quality of a Mega depend on their ability. Abilities like Tough Claws, Huge Power, or Adaptability were commonly picked for Megas and all had a similar theme of increasing the Pokemon’s damage output. Because Mega’s are locked into this one and only ability upon transforming, they are often left with only a single viable playstyle that takes advantage of their ability. Access to more abilities for Mega forms with a wider variety of abilities would alleviate this issue.

The Template for Megas was too Strict

All of the inherent traits of Mega Evolution were too strict. The 100 BST increase, forced to hold a Mega stone, the new ability, and limiting battles to just 1 Mega, were all too restrictive to be universally applied. Some Pokemon could have evolved with other held items. The ability of the base form could have influenced the ability of the Mega. Some Pokemon that were already strong did not need the same 100 BST increase that weaker Pokemon got. Easing up on these rules would make Megas feel more fresh and give more breathing room for creative designs in the future.

Multiple Mega Forms were Rare

While every other Pokemon received just 1 Mega form, Charizard and Mewtwo both received an X and Y form. This system is brilliant and could be used to fix many of the other issues listed above. Different forms could have different BST increases, different abilities, or even different held item requirements. This would make Megas less predictable and more exciting to see in battle. Without a doubt though, creating 2 Mega forms for the same Pokemon would be more work than creating just 1. Even if visually the 2 forms were identical, I believe this addition would be worth it.

Min/Max Playstyle

Often thanks to the chosen ability for a Mega, most Mega evolutions had very narrow, but very powerful options. Abilities like Mega Launcher funneled players into using a very limited pool of moves to take full advantage of this ability. Each Mega seems to have an intended play style. An extreme and powerful style, but also predictable and boring. An X and Y form for each Mega could have given each Pokemon more options to adapt the player’s needs, as well as relieve the pressure to min/max every Mega into a certain play style.

No Counterplay

Mega Evolution is often looked at through the perspective of the user. But how does one approach it differently when their opponent uses it? Simply put, a Mega Evolved Pokemon is approached the same way as any other Pokemon. Any strategy used to counter your opponent’s use of Mega Evolution could be equally applied to a normal Pokemon. Unless Mega Evolution fundamentally changes with new drawbacks or activation requirements, I do not see a clear fix.

Team Building

Building your team is no simple task, especially for competitive battling. Mega Evolution requires consideration in this phase as well, because you cannot Mega Evolve without equipping a Mega Stone before a battle begins. Sacrificing a held item is not a small ask, so the choice of who can utilize Mega Evolution on your team is crucial. Because the stakes are so high before the battle even begins, the need to plan your Mega before battling only exacerbates the opportunity cost of using a weaker Mega. When in doubt, players will of course plan to use the most powerful Mega, rather than risk a weaker one. A better system would be more flexible and open to improvisation mid battle. Players could still approach a battle with a particular Mega in mind, but be allowed to change their mind depending on the flow of battle.

No Risk to Activate

Other than the preparations required before a battle even begins, there is effectively no drawback to Mega Evolving. With no cost or risk to activate, players almost always would Mega Evolve immediately after sending out their Pokemon. A Dynamax like approach limiting Megas to only 3 turns could have drastically changed the mechanic, for better or worse. But this 3 turn limit adds an extra layer of depth that Megas are missing. The will to stall out your opponent’s Mega or the risk that comes with timing your own may be the push and pull needed to make the act of Mega Evolution more interesting.

Cannot Transform Back

Mega Evolution is unique from regular evolutions because it is only temporary. But this temporary status is never felt in battle, as you only transform back once the battle ends. The inability to revert back to the base form silently hurts Mega Evolution. Transforming back to the original form, intentionally or not, makes for a more dynamic mechanic as well as selling the temporary aspect of Mega Evolution. Due to many Megas being clearly superior to their base forms, this would be a negative for most Pokemon. Others could take advantage of the mechanic, alternating between different abilities. Or maybe even tagging out one Mega to instead Mega Evolve another.

Conclusion

Leading up to its release in Pokemon X and Y, Mega Evolution was an exciting idea to freshen up the stale Pokemon formula. Though ultimately removed in Pokemon Sword and Shield, many fans still want to see Mega Evolution brought back to the main series game. But after considering all the shortcomings of Mega Evolution, I find it has too many problems to warrant a return.
This topic is complex and my word is by no means final. This is also not a dismissal of the shortcomings of other battle mechanics. Mega Evolution is clearly still very loved by the community and that is not without reason. I hope that keeping both the good and bad in mind can lead to a productive discussion on the quality of Mega Evolution.

I pulled her card from my lockbox today. I couldn’t bring myself to remove it from its wrapping though. I’ll explain the card in a little while. Even in just that briefest of moments though, the tears became too thick. I so wanted to see her name. Instead I decided to only go back to the memories. They bring enough tears. So I put the card back but need to tell my story of that memory. So thank you for your time in letting me indulge dear Reader. I know your time is precious and I am loquacious of a sort.
The place I used to work at a long, long time ago, Croc’s, was an odd duck. It was a Transformer of sorts. During the day and early evening it was a damn good Mexican restaurant. One of the best in town. Lunch was insane. Dinner was a respite. But on Friday, Saturdays, some Thursdays, and almost every holiday eve, it was… I don’t even have words. Nothing like what went on in those walls had been seen in Denver at the time. We had lines around blocks. The plural is not a mistake. On those nights, Croc’s was THE place to be in Denver. The owners got there before everyone else and had hit a jackpot with the place. The Rockies were starting over at Mile High and moving to LoDo soon. LoDo was booming and we were in the middle of it partying like no tomorrow every night.
But this isn’t about that amazing place, that’s for another day. Nope. This is about her, her son and I. Or rather, about loss and memories. But it all started at Croc’s and you needed to know what a breath of a moment in time we shared there. Not on one of those crazy nights but one lazy Sunday when we were pretty slow.
I mentioned the restaurant was an odd duck. See, it was designed so that from breakfast through dinner and into very early evening, it was a purposeful, full-fledged, extremely popular, and well reviewed dining establishment. But after that, it was designed so we could remove every table, chair, stool and booth. We essentially turned the whole restaurant into a giant dance floor with a bar that spanned half the distance of the long wall topped with massive tequila and booze pyramids. The wells were at either end with a plant potter behind them for storage. It was split level(ish) with a few VIP areas squirreled away. State of the art DJ booth on the south end of the bar. Oh and did I mention we had a 28 foot replica of a Nile croc suspended from the roof named “Hal”.
The owners were a group of friends who had grown up in the business. One of them was from the family that started Senior Frogs and the like down in Mexico. They had all met and worked at some of the hottest places in the state and been to some of the craziest places around the Americas. So when I say no one had seen anything like it, they hadn’t. We had a person that would blow tequila from a custom bong into a partier's mouth from 30 feet away. Our DJ’s were the best in town. We poached the absolute best in talent from every bar in a 4000 mile radius. That movie “Cocktail”? Yeah, that was this place on steroids. Hell, beside myself and 1 or 2 other guys, our security eventually turned into off duty SWAT cops. All these places around Denver and, hell, around the country you see now? Yeah these guys started it right there in LoDo.
It was the paper and crayons we would put on every table though where my memory begins.
There had been other places that had done what we did with the butcher block paper. It went on every table with crayons. It wasn’t the most innovative thing there but it was fun and the patrons enjoyed it. Many great artists out there! And of course the kids loved it. A lot of the folks who lived around there would bring their kids with them for lunch or dinner. I worked a lot of Sunday day shifts because a) everyone was hung over and never wanted to work and b) it was usually a nice bit of quiet after two nights that would make Caligula jealous. Plus the people who did come in were usually pretty cool and just out for a good meal. It was pretty chill after all that joyous chaos.
My section was usually the front lifted area just in front of the potters and a few tables in the middle. I was splitting with the other server that day since it was more dead than usual. A beautiful Colorado day back then. Blue sky with puffy clouds. Perfect temperature with no wind so the front doors to the small little patio were open. You could smell the flowers from across the street. The other server let me know she had sat a couple of people at one of my four tops. Sounded good so I headed out to say hello.
It was customary for us to write our name on the paper when we showed up. It was hokie but everyone loved it. It was our way of saying welcome and have fun! Some servers could do it upside down but I could never get the hang of that.
I headed down the bar toward the front, preoccupied with getting my marker out for the intro. I remember coming around the corner of the potter and just kind of coming to a juddering stop at the top step, tripping and almost falling on my face. Luckily she was a little preoccupied with her son and getting him situated so she missed seeing me make a gobsmacked fool out of myself.
I luckily regained what little balance I could alongside some composure quick enough to walk up and say hi. She said hi and then kind of waited. “Oh yeah dumbass” I said to myself as I told her, or rather flubbed, my name as I wrote it in the corner so they could read it right side up. She giggled a little bit as most people did with my nickname at the time. I hadn’t noticed but her son had been waiting the whole time for that moment. He grabbed his crayon and wrote his name and her name in front of them. “That’s a good name isn’t it?” I asked him. I told him it was the same as mine but the longer version. He was a little surprised by this as I went by “Scooter” back then. It took a second but he quickly realized it was a nickname. He had signed the long version of our name and said that’s what he liked. Right on man, you got it. Damn smart kid. You can tell, ya know?
After that briefest of moments, I shook myself a little and introduced myself for, I think the fourth time now. She tells me her name but it is instantly gone. Not only because of the effect this moment is having on me, but just because I am bad with names on the first go around. I don’t think we heard what either was saying anyway. Our eyes were locked and in that moment, it was all that mattered somehow. I can remember how deeply they shined. Her hair was a little damp and unkempt like someone in a hurry but has that respect for herself. Dark like her eyes but shining from the light outside. A simple blue/light purple and white striped shirt. Slightly damp around the shoulders. Worn jeans. Not the designer type but jeans aged with a good strong life. Blue canvas deck shoes with the white souls if I remember that part right. Maybe black canvas. I saw all this without ever breaking her gaze.
It was as if in the same moment we both realized we were in the same place together but not there alone. A moment later we both found ourselves apologizing for talking over the other. Sheepishly, like teens on their first date. Giggling a bit. Not knowing what was happening but knowing that something most definitely was. I apologized for the awkwardness and I think I cracked a joke or something but neither of us knew what to do. There was a calm panic and, I dare to say, a longing that was unknown?
It was her son who brought us both back to reality. He had asked if we had Coke or Pepsi. I shook myself internally again and told him we had Coke but could find some Pepsi if he really wanted it. Luckily he was not a Pepsi kid. I also told him that, yes, I would be happy to add a cherry to it. This time though when I met his eyes, I looked at myself when I was that age, as I answered that question. I hadn’t noticed it. Like a mirror as they say. Dark brown hair full of cowlicks. Round face with a big smile. Getting that cherry meant the world to him. I remembered that same feeling again through him. It was like looking at a version of myself I only saw in pictures.
At this very second in time I remember being terrified. Not “scared” terrified. It was more like, holy shite is this happening? What is going on? I wanted to turn and run and hide but somehow regained what little composure was left in that split second. I turned back to her and saw that she had just seen what I had seen. I could see wonder, joy, confusion, happiness, peace, thrill, fear and hope that I am sure were being reflected in my own eyes. We both needed a few minutes. We each could see it. It was overwhelming. Again, not a bad overwhelming but one of those moments where you need to put your hands on your knees and take some big, deep breaths.
The whole 3 or 4 minutes were surreal. And I will never forget them. I will fight as hard as I can to hold onto the others I have of both of them.
Somehow I managed to Charlie Chaplin myself away to get their drink order. I believe hers was a Sprite with a lemon. Normally I would go right around the corner of the plant potter and get the sodas from the guns there. Instead I went all the way to the back station. I needed to breathe. It seemed like an hour but I headed back. By this time the son was going to town. He had talent and it showed. It seemed like we had regained ourselves somewhat but the whole meal was kind of like an episode out of a teen comedy. We giggled, laughed, blushed, and did all the other things you would expect to see from two teenagers who discover they like each other. It wasn’t like I was trying to stay with them, or they tried to keep me there. It just kind of happened. I’d start to go away and she would ask me back for something simple. I would bring something I had forgotten in case they needed it. The whole meal went that way.
When they were done and ready to go, I was dreading it. Should I ask her out? She had mentioned she was single. It felt like I should ask her out. Like I said, the whole visit was surreal. There was no ring or even a suntan line of one (Don’t judge me, it was a different time). I wasn’t seeing anyone either. We seemed to get along amazingly, both her and her son. Even my fellow server noticed and was egging me on. It was obvious. Doing something like that with a client back then happened. Not usually in the first 30 seconds but you never know. I made up my mind to walk them out as I had no other tables and see what happened. I took the check to the table. She was packing her bag. I had gotten a refill for his togo cup and handed it to him. He said thank you and said he drew something for me. They had carefully torn it from the paper and he handed it to me. It was the three of us holding hands. How I held the tears then I do not know. I was a different person there at that precise point in time. At this moment those tears are here though.
I bent down to his level and thanked him sincerely. He said he was glad I liked it and he hugged me. I heard her try to stifle her gasp. Thank any or no gods or whoever for him. He let go, grabbed his Mom’s hand and said he was ready to go. As I stood up I could see tears welling in her eyes. He hadn’t done that to another man in, what she said, was a very long time she would tell me in a quiet voice as we started to walk toward the door. That was it. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even noticed that when we got to the big double doors, he had grabbed my hand. It just was there.
By this time I do not think either of us really knew what to do or what was going on. I mean, this was an impromptu outing to a place her son had liked because of the paper. It was a cheap and good lunch and then off to wherever for them and another table for me while I rolled silverware in the back or stocked the empty quicks from the previous night. But it seemed like it had been years together but only moments, if that makes sense? I certainly did not know what to do at this point. I think I mumbled what a delight it was to be able to spend time with them and I hoped they had enjoyed themselves or something like that. I honestly could not tell you. By this time she had regained herself somewhat. That girlishness turned into an elegance, beauty and strength that I had not seen before. But those same feelings exchanged in that momentary glance were still there. As was still a bit of moisture along the bottom of her eyes. We made a bit of small talk till he got a bit antsy and wanted to head off.
As we said our goodbyes that day, almost at the same time, we asked our questions. I asked if she would like to come by again soon with her son. His birthday was coming up I think and I could get the guys in back to make him something special. At least I think that was it. Her’s was if it would be ok if they came back soon. You know because the little guy liked drawing and the food. More childish giggling and laughing. And before she left she gave me her card and said to call if I was going to be working again on a Sunday or just whenever. As they walked together, hand in hand down and around the corner, I just stared at them and then the card over and over.
That very card I put back in a safe place tonight.
She was a designer as it turned out. I didn’t pry into her past as it sounded like it wasn’t all that great at times. She came by the restaurant a few more times after that. I then called once or twice to say hi and how they were doing and to let her know to come by. Eventually she asked me out. We spent some time together and it started to get a little more serious. She was a few years older but not by much. She was driven and forthright. Quick witted and compassionate. And such a good Mom with a massive heart. I was young then, somewhat good looking, fairly well paid and worked at the hottest spot in the state. And I had this woman I couldn’t get out of my head. Even my coworkers knew and could see what was going on whenever we were together. Either just the two of us or all three of us. Walking on clouds was an apt statement. At this point I want to point out that while I am no saint whatsoever, I do consider myself a decent person. At least I was back then and for the most part today. Things have changed as they always do but I digress.
Eventually the moment came. The serious date. She had a small but fantastic apartment downtown and wanted to make me dinner for once. I don’t think she was done asking before I said yes. We set a date for later that week. I remember it was a Saturday because me taking a night off from that place, with all its amazing moments each night to the amount of money you walked out with each night to leaving one of the other bouncers with one of the other guys he wasn’t used to, was a pretty big deal. Had to call in favors but everyone just said go. No one there batted an eye. They all seemed to know what a big deal this was somehow.
We set it for a little later in the evening so I could get things in proper working fashion up front of the house and then head over. Any of you who have worked in a restaurant know that smell you get. Kind of need to have worked in that environment to know I guess. So that night, I didn’t have time to head home then come back. So I had a change of clothes and a vanity bag so I could clean up in the back. Wouldn’t be the first time I got sprayed down by the dishwasher but probably a first for this reason. Cleaned up pretty well, freshly shaved and quaffed, walking so far above Cloud 9 I lost track of which one I was on. Headed out to put the work kit and bag in the truck. On the way out a few who knew what had been going on smiled or waved.
And off I went. I was a little late but she said she had expected it given the night of the week. Back then, downtown Denver was different. Colorado was different. I guess everywhere was different back then. But in this instance, I mean in an architectural way. You didn’t have the towers all around LoDo as you do now. From some rooftops you could still watch a sunset over the mountains. Say what you will, even I have to admit that a purple and orange sunset over the mountains is quite possibly the most beautiful natural thing I have seen. It is immense but oh so fleeting. Just like our lives I guess. You could still hear birds and bugs over cars at times. I wouldn’t say it was peaceful but it was at least calm?
She was lucky as her apartment, though smallish, came with a hidden bonus. Her window allowed her to access the roof on the next building. A part of it anyway. But this little slice of hidden wonder allowed a view down Market Street, across Spear, over Auraria and then the mountain view. It was stunning. Like the apartment, the space was just cozy enough for two to enjoy a little rooftop barbeque and dining. She gave me the quick tour and we poured some wine. She was going through the menu as we “headed outside”. The door was a small little window. I remember scratching my head and thinking I may not fit out there. She handled it with the grace of a ballerina and said I could do it. It took a minute or two but I contorted my clumsy self outside. And she was right. It was spectacular.
Not just the view but what she had done with her little corner of peace. She had talked with the building owner who agreed that she could use this space as he didn't even know about it. It was like something out of a commercial today. A nice little seating couch type niche. Well built trellis with some small Christmas lights for effect. A little brick grilling area with a hibachi going. I can still smell it. The table with candles and dinnerware. Decking. I was taken aback. The way it was situated insulated her from the sounds down below. You could hear them but it was almost like distant white noise. It was just peaceful. I remember remarking about this. She said she discovered it by accident when her son thought it might be a good play area.
Dinner was wonderful. The night went on. There wasn’t a sense of time. Just us there in that little part of the universe that was only hers. To this day I do not think I felt that safe before anywhere nor since. Someone was letting me into one of their most sacred spots. Literally and figuratively. I felt privileged. Almost as though I was treading somewhere I shouldn’t be. I think that thought was my downfall however. Don’t worry dear Reader, you will understand all that very soon. We watched that sunset. It was perfect. The right contrast of colors. Just the right amount of clouds to change those colors ever so slightly. A reminder of how something can change for the simplest of reasons.
As night grew darker it started to get cold. The goosebumps we were feeling on each other's skin holding hands and looking at the stars weren’t just from feelings. It was getting cool so we moved inside. After safely dousing the grill and making sure the coals were in their proper place, we cleaned up. Since it was easier, I stayed outside and handed them into the house to her. We figured it would be safer for the dishes. Giggled some more as we came to realize more and more things about each other at the same time. Finally the outside was clear. I stood outside for another minute to take in what was happening. I think that is then that little bit of fear weeded its way in without my realizing it. This was as close to perfect as I could ever dream I thought.
After squeezing back inside, assisted again but ok with that, we cleaned up the dishes and opened another bottle of wine. The inside was just as cozy. At some point she had lit some more candles and had some soft music going. Light jazz if I remember. Not loud at all. Again, there, just outside the periphery. Sitting on the couch I can feel her sitting next to me. We are close. Two people holding each other wanting to believe but not sure if this is real. There was almost a vibration. The constant goosebumps were not because of the cold anymore. Once we were both comfortable and we just talked. For hours and hours. There were the intimate moments but nothing scandalous. A tenuous kiss from one to the other.
We talked about what two people talk about who truly want to know the other. I believe we asked as many honest questions of ourselves as we did of the other. We really, truly, wholly wanted to know each other. And that is what we did. The more we talked the more comfortable we felt. Each of us had our scars that were not easily revealed. Nor did we reveal all of them that night and guarded them well. But we each wanted to know if the other was someone we could trust with those deepest places that we all hide in the darkest parts of our soul.
We talked a little about her son’s father but not in depth. It was easy to see that was one of the scars. We talked about her son. Why she was so astonished that first day. My heart wrenches this very moment dear Reader upon remembering that. Her hopes for him. His likes and his dislikes. Some of the stories parents tell others to embarrass their children later in life. We talked about what futures there could be not for us but for him and his world. He really was an amazing kid and I am sure has grown up to be someone she can be proud of. Time did not exist that night. Feelings and thoughts were exchanged that did not need to be said. We just knew each other that night.
We never did finish the second bottle if memory serves, we talked, laughed and sat together in peaceful comfort and gave no care about anything else. But tomorrow was coming as it always does and we had to leave each other. I remember the closeness as we held each other. The pressure of two bodies at that singular moment in time. That one instant that feels as though it could last through infinity. When two become one and feel the safety, love, compassion, trust and sameness that is rarely, if ever experienced.
Pardon me dear Reader but must ask a moment to compose myself. We are getting close to the end of my tale so also ask for just a bit more of your time. I know how so very precious it is. Thank you for allowing me to continue.
I do not know how long we held each other. To this day I wish it had been so much longer however. I do remember leaving. Working where I did, I was sadly but actively very familiar with many different levels and types of inebriation. That feeling that morning however was something that surpassed all that I had experienced in my life. I had never felt like this. I knew that the sun was starting to come up as I parked my car. I knew that I got through the door, downstairs and then fell asleep. I wasn’t drunk. It was pure. A pure love, happiness, joy and trust I had never felt from someone else. This feeling was so powerful it had knocked me for a loop that I just was not ready for.
I awoke later that day, thankful I didn’t have to work. It was late in the afternoon and I felt like I had been hit by a bus but didn’t care. I believe that the night before we both had excised many things that we had held inside for so long. I could (and can) still remember the whole night if not the words. I felt like one does after you give everything physically possible to something and have nothing left to give. But it felt right. Regardless of the ending, I do believe that, even though brief, that night, two people who had needed to find each other did. I think they needed to know that there was at least one person who understood, even if they hadn’t needed to actually say anything.
Now dear Reader I must ask you to remember that part about fear. Given my early life and life up to that point and to this day, I do find it very hard to trust. So this was something I had to confront. And so I started to. Instead of seeing what she saw in me, I saw the things I thought were ugly. I got scared that those scars would be peeled away and she would be repulsed. And these thoughts and fears grew. We still saw each other and talked for a while after that night. But my fear took over quickly. Before I knew it I had driven her away. There was no maliciousness about it. The thoughts that had ruled my life for so long before her and then after her, to this day, always got to the same thing. If you let her in, she will leave because of who you are. It was idiotic but it was ingrained at this point. I eventually told her I didn’t think it was going to work out. The truth was that I was scared. Scared to let her in. I hated myself for not being honest with her. She would have understood. Probably more than any other.
After that, I went on with my life as a young person does in that atmosphere. I saw her one time after that final talk. She waved as she and her son sat in a section away from mine. I waved back and remembered going out back and beating the hell out of our cooler there. I was so mad at myself then. While the anger passed as life threw one thing at me after another as it does until I find myself here today writing this, the pain of losing her has never healed. Nor do I want it to. That pain also brings memories that I so rarely experience anymore. I buried it for a long, long, long time but recently I find myself thinking about her and her son more and more. What would have been?
For you see dear Reader, that moment was my perfect chance. Not long ago in my life I was diagnosed with cancer. I eventually beat it but it has long since ruined my life. But that is not why I tell this tale. I ask for no sympathy. My life is where I am supposed to be. I have come to peace with that. To an extent I guess anyway. The reason it was my perfect chance is this. I was also diagnosed with a genetic defect which essentially makes me a cancer producer with no natural way to fight it. My mothers father died of colon and pancreatic cancer. My Mother has beaten 5 different bouts of cancer. I have been tested and confirmed. So if I had had a child, I would more than likely have passed that to them. After listening to what my mother watched her father go through. After watching my own Mother fight this monster 5 times and win each time. After all that I was horrified to learn that I could have passed this monster to someone I would have loved with all my heart.
I never married and never had a child. For most of my life I regretted that most of all to the point of shame. I am the last person in my familial lineage that will ever carry my name. My line dies with me. For the longest time that has been a great burden. However, after the geneticist confirmed me and a great deal of internal contemplation, with the aid of hindsight, part of me is glad that I never had a wife and child who would have to go through the horrors I have heard about, watched and gone through first hand and personally. That at least brings me a modicum of inner peace. Do not be fooled ever though. This monster is evil. It takes everything from all but the luckiest.
And I had my moment of perfect chance. Even though I did not know it at the time, I had an opportunity to spend the rest of my life with two someones who I truly believe to this day, loved me. Even if for so very briefly. I gave up the chance to be able to be a husband and care for someone I believe I loved and loved me. I had a chance to be the father I wanted to be without passing on my monster. To see a child grow into their best self. I get angry at times that I did this. Not necessarily my own selfish needs. I am also mad that this person trusted me and I couldn’t do the same in the end. That I let a child down who for his own reasons let me in when he shut others out. That we could have been the family we could have been. And I ran because I was scared. I can never forgive myself for doing that to them. This may sound selfish and perhaps it is but it is my history.
And now dear Reader we come to the end of my tale. Where it all began.
Her card.
I think you will understand why I put it away instead of taking it out after this. I mentioned that she was a designer. Her card is exquisite. I don’t need to see it to describe it. There is a silver cord ribbon wrapped around a waxed paper tied in a bow. It sparkles silver but is brittle after all the years. I can slide the card out carefully but don’t want to take a chance of damaging it. My hands aren’t the best anymore. The writing on the card is done with a most excellent penmanship in purple over white with black. The backing is white with the black used as border highlighting with purple as the border and main color. There is a bit of sparkle in one of the purples but not a garish amount. Just enough to catch the eye. The back is similar with details of her work at the time as well as some contact information. I don’t know if she did this on all of them, but there was a scent of her perfume that accompanied it for a while. It, like much else, has faded.
We all have a place to keep our most precious items. This one rarely leaves that place for me.
So in the really bad times dear Reader, I try to look at that card. I say try because it is very painful to try to do so. Today was one of those days and I wanted to share it. In the end I couldn’t get past the tears to look at it so returned it to its safety. Not really because of the pain. Believe me, the pain is there in vast amounts. But because of that first moment. I needed to remember what that feeling was like. I needed to remember what it is to look in another's eyes and see the whole universe and all its infinite possibilities. Some regrets, regardless of time, will always follow you. Be honest about that with yourself dear Reader. Today I needed to remember her and him. I needed that acceptance. That peace. That joy, That trust. That love.
This time however I needed to commit this to our history so that perhaps at least one other will read it and maybe it will impact somehow. This is not meant to be a moralistic tale. It is just a tale of love lost. A life that could have been different. I hope, dear Reader, that your life is filled with wonder and love. Do not miss a single chance in your life because of fear. Be cautious but be open. Your world is massive but also miniscule. The chances don’t happen often anymore so grab them and hold onto them when you can. Try to think of all possibilities and look through others' eyes. But most importantly. If you do find your perfect moment, do not let it go dear Reader. It may never come again.
That is the end of my tale. I thank you so much dear Reader. As I have said many times, your time is precious and I have taken enough. Safe journeys to you my friend.

Shipping via USPS with tracking, starting at $5, may increase with the weight or contents or for shipping internationally. Perfume and nail polish shipping starts at $10 due to hazmat fees. Free shipping for orders $100 and over.
All items come from a smoke-free home. Additional pictures provided upon request. Willing to make deals, especially for bundled items! Items priced aggressively because I need to minimize my life.
BNIB It Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation Powder in "Light." $30 https://imgur.com/a/Z5ZQIvT
It Cosmetics Your Skin But Better CC+ in "Fair." Only used once, didn't care for the formula, at least 95% full. $30 https://imgur.com/a/chl5Vbx
Discontinued colors of ColourPop Super Shock Shadows, some gently used, some brand new. $4 each or $25 for all 8 of the ColourPop Shadows https://imgur.com/tFLyxq8
Urban Decay Moondust Eyeshadow in Space Cowboy, only used twice. $15 https://imgur.com/a/mQiAWvZ
Urban Decay Naked Cherry Palette, gently used, details in picture, brush is missing, price reflects this. $20 https://imgur.com/a/loM5ks1
Urban Decay Naked Honey Palette, gently used, details in picture, brush is missing, price reflects this. $20 https://imgur.com/a/USD5EIP
Anastasia Sultry Palette, very gently used, brush is missing. Price reflects this. $20 https://imgur.com/a/qqINF2K
Too Faced Natural Lust Palette, light use, some shades only swatched. $30 https://imgur.com/a/c7UCZsA
BH Cosmetics Aurora Lights Palette, light use with the exception of the shade "Flashing" which has some heavier use. $10 https://imgur.com/a/fu3n5dM
BH Cosmetics Opalescent Palette, light use. $5 https://imgur.com/a/rJnsLlN
Large Deep Z-Palette with assorted new bronzers by Tarte, Pixi by Petra, Ulta, & NYX. Only swatched. Can provide full color and size description upon request. $20 (less than retail of a new z-palette) https://imgur.com/a/Mo7dLwW
Large Deep Z-Palette with assorted new blushes and highlighter by Tarte, Hikari, ModelCo, & Ulta. Only swatched. Can provide full color and size description upon request. $20 (less than retail of a new z-palette) https://imgur.com/a/S5Yvt9A
Large Deep Z-Palette with assorted highlighters and finishing powders by Urban Decay, NYX, H Cosmetics, Ulta, Tarte, Laura Gellar, & elf. Some light use on the highlighters and moderate use on the finishing powders. Can provide full color and size description upon request. $20 (less than retail of a new z-palette) https://imgur.com/a/9zISbxX
Discontinued Smashbox Photo Finish Primer Water, 3/4 full. $8 https://imgur.com/jOfLzBJ
Vera Wang Princess Fragrance 3.4oz, 5/6 full. $15 https://imgur.com/3r3GJyL
Vera Wang Flower Princess Fragrance 1oz, 3/4 full. $10 https://imgur.com/9BMMMQ2
Burberry for Women Classic Fragrance 3.4oz, very lightly used. $40 https://imgur.com/qNnBOP7
Hollister Festival Nite Fragrance 3.4oz, very lightly used. $15 https://imgur.com/gtrTiQQ
Hollister Festival Vibes Fragrance 1oz, 5/6 full. $10 https://imgur.com/a/3EMR5hp
Oscar de la Renta Something Blue Fragrance 3.4oz, very lightly used. $35 https://imgur.com/6kSPCii
DedCool Discovery Set of 6 x 0.1 oz/ 3 mL bottles. Taunt, Fragrance 02, Blonde, Madonna (Lilly), Milk, Red (Dakota). Each ony sprayed a few times. Retail is $30, selling for $15 plus shipping. https://imgur.com/a/0tp1TkD
Jean Marc Paris Paris Blue Fragrace 6oz, only sprayed twice. $10 https://imgur.com/kUEM34h
Kiara Sky Dip Powder Nails Starter Kit plus a few extra colors. Only used twice. $40 https://imgur.com/a/PcO7J8L
Sally Hanson Gel Polishes & Insta Dry Polishes, extremely light use $8 for bundle https://imgur.com/a/xdIr8Og
Live Love Polish, some use $8 for bundle https://imgur.com/a/Up4lr1G
Essie, some use $8 for bundle https://imgur.com/a/Io9uWkM
Kokie and Finger Paints, never used $8 for bundle https://imgur.com/j5m0BLp
Nicole by OPI, some moderate use $1 for bundle https://imgur.com/a/2lSa6Y9
China Glaze, light use on the colors, moderate use on the holo $7 for bundle https://imgur.com/a/4ClAT4Z
Formula X & Superchic Laquer, minor use $8 for bundle https://imgur.com/a/W2ARoiW

	HOUSE	FRAGRANCE	SIZE	REMAINING	Notes/Condition	Price	Type
1	Amouage	Incense Rori Attar	12mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$439	Niche
2	Amouage	Material (Woman)	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; Tester Cap	$145	Niche
3	Amouage	Orris Wakan Attar	12mL	99% Full	Full Presentation	$419	Niche
4	Amouage	Rose Aqor Attar	12mL	99% Full	Full Presentation	$419	Niche
5	Amouage	Vanilla Barka Attar	12mL	99% Full	Full Presentation	$419	Niche
6	Andy Tauer	Cologne du Maghreb	50mL	99% Full	First Release, Rectangular Clear Bottle; With box	$95	Niche
7	Bond No. 9	Hamptons	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$125	Niche
8	Bond No. 9	Madison Square Park	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$135	Niche
9	By Kilian	Apple Brandy on the Rocks	50mL	99% Full	Full Presentation, Box has some wear.	$160	Niche
10	By Kilian	Bamboo Harmony	100mL	100% Full	Tester Refill (No Spray)	$209	Niche
11	By Kilian	Black Phantom	100mL	100% Full	Tester Refill (No Spray)	$215	Niche
12	By Kilian	Gold Knight	100mL	100% Full	Tester Refill (No Spray)	$209	Niche
13	By Kilian	Good Girl Gone Bad	250mL	99% Full	Decanter; No Box	$800	Niche
14	By Kilian	Intoxicated	100mL	100% Full	Tester Refill (No Spray)	$209	Niche
15	By Kilian	Love Don't Be Shy	50mL	99% Full	Full Presentation, Box has some wear.	$160	Niche
16	By Kilian	Love Don't Be Shy Extreme	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$195	Niche
17	Byredo	Infloresence	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Niche
18	Byredo	Lil Fleur	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Niche
19	Byredo	Mixed Emotions	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Niche
20	Byredo	Mumbai Noise	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Niche
21	Byredo	Sunday Cologne	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Niche
22	Chanel Exclusif	Misia EdT	200mL	95% Full	Vintage Discontinued Formula; No Box	$350	Niche
23	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Bois D'Argent	7.5mL	100% Full	Official Mini	$30	Niche
24	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Bois D'Argent	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 0V01 (2010 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$35	Niche
25	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Cologne Royale	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 1X01 (2011 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$30	Niche
26	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Diorissima	7.5mL	100% Full	Official Mini; No Cannister - Price includes shipping	$30	Niche
27	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Eau Noire	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 1R01 (2011 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$35	Niche
28	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Eden Roc	7.5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Price includes shipping	$30	Niche
29	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Granville	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 0V01 (2010 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$35	Niche
30	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Milly-La-Foret	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 0W01 (2010 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$30	Niche
31	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	Mitzah	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 1W01 (2011 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$35	Niche
32	Christian Dior / Dior Privee	New Look 1947	5mL	100% Full	Official Mini - Batch Code 1R01 (2011 Production Date) - Price includes shipping	$30	Niche
33	Clive Christian	I Pour Femme (Woody Floral with Vintage Rose)	50mL	99% Full	No Box	$180	Niche
34	Clive Christian	Rock Rose	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$289	Niche
35	Creed	Acqua Florentina - F Batch	75mL	95% Full	Box, Can add a Creed Cap as well	$175	Niche
36	Creed	Aventus - 22A11A	100mL	100% Full	Full Presentation	$250	Niche
37	Creed	Aventus Cologne - 2022 Batch	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$229	Niche
38	Creed	Aventus Cologne - F Batch (Plastic Cap)	100mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed in Box	$239	Niche
39	Creed	Aventus for Her - F567	75mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$185	Niche
40	Creed	Erolfa - 15X01	120mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$349	Niche
41	Creed	Erolfa - F Batch	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$160	Niche
42	Creed	Green Irish Tweed - 19U11	50mL	99% Full	No Cap	$139	Niche
43	Creed	Green Irish Tweed - 2022 Batch	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$195	Niche
44	Creed	Himalaya - 22B01A	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Square Style Cap	$175	Niche
45	Creed	Millesime Imperial - F Batch	100mL	100% Full	Comes with Box and SQUARE Older Style Cap.	$180	Niche
46	Creed	Neroli Sauvage - F241	100mL	100% Full	Comes with Box and SQUARE Older Style Cap.	$180	Niche
47	Creed	Original Santal - F511	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$160	Niche
48	Creed	Royal Mayfair - 15R01	120mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$229	Niche
49	Creed	Royal Oud - F BATCH	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$250	Niche
50	Creed	Royal Water - 20C01N	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Square Style Cap	$175	Niche
51	Creed	Silver Mountain Water - 21V01A	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Square Style Cap	$180	Niche
52	Creed	Spring Flowers 2023	75mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$209	Niche
53	Creed	Tabarome - 21Y01A	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$160	Niche
54	Creed	Viking - F512	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$205	Niche
55	Creed	Virgin Island Water - F473	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$195	Niche
56	Creed	White Amber - 17W01	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$149	Niche
57	Creed	White Flowers	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$200	Niche
58	Creed	Wind Flowers - 22C01B	75mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap	$199	Niche
59	DS & DURGA	Amber Kiso	100mL	100% Full	New, No Box	$125	Niche
60	Frederic Malle	Eau de Magnolia	10mL	100% Full	Official Travel Spray	$55	Niche
61	Gallagher	Bergamot Silk	100mL	99% Full		$84	Niche
62	Giorgio Armani / Armani Prive	Gardenia Antigua	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$155	Niche
63	Giorgio Armani / Armani Prive	Pierre de Lune	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$155	Niche
64	Giorgio Armani / Armani Prive	Rose Alexandrie	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$155	Niche
65	Guerlain	Angelique Noire	30mL	100% Full	Mini Bee Bottle Decant	$215	Niche
66	Guerlain	Angelique Noire	10mL	100% Full	Tall Glass Decant	$55	Niche
67	Guerlain	Bois D'Armenie	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$379	Niche
68	Guerlain	Cherry Oud	100mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$279	Niche
69	Guerlain	Cruel Gardenia	200mL	95% Full	Tester; No Box	$319	Niche
70	Guerlain	Embruns D'Ylang	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$339	Niche
71	Guerlain	Epices Volee	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$339	Niche
72	Guerlain	Gourmand Coquin	10mL	100% Full	Tall Glass Decant	$60	Niche
73	Guerlain	Herbes Troublantes	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$339	Niche
74	Guerlain	Joyeuse Tuberuese	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$349	Niche
75	Guerlain	Musc Outreblanc	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$349	Niche
76	Guerlain	Oeillet Pourpre	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$339	Niche
77	Guerlain	Oud Nude	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$349	Niche
78	Guerlain	Rose Barbare	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$339	Niche
79	Guerlain	Rose Barbare	200mL	90% Full	DECANTED - NO ORIGINAL BOTTLE	$250	Niche
80	Guerlain	Santal Pao Rosa	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$349	Niche
81	Guerlain	Tonka Imperiale	30mL	100% Full	Mini Bee Bottle Decant	$199	Niche
82	Guerlain	Tonka Imperiale	10mL	100% Full	Tall Glass Decant	$55	Niche
83	Hermes / Hermessence	Agar Ebene	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$150	Niche
84	Hermes / Hermessence	Brin de Reglisse	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
85	Hermes / Hermessence	Cedre Sambac	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
86	Hermes / Hermessence	Epice Marine	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$170	Niche
87	Hermes / Hermessence	Iris Ukiyoe	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$150	Niche
88	Hermes / Hermessence	Muguet Porcelaine	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
89	Hermes / Hermessence	Myrrhe Eglantine	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$185	Niche
90	Hermes / Hermessence	Osmanthe Yunnan	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$150	Niche
91	Hermes / Hermessence	Paprika Brasil	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$170	Niche
92	Hermes / Hermessence	Santal Massoia	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$170	Niche
93	Hermes / Hermessence	Vanille Galante	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$150	Niche
94	Hermes / Hermessence	Vetiver Tonka	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box, No Cap	$150	Niche
95	Hermes / Hermessence	Vetiver Tonka	200mL	100% Full	Full Presentation, Brand New.	$399	Niche
96	Hermes / Hermessence	Violette Volynka	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$185	Niche
97	Hiram Green	Vetiver	50mL	95% Full	Full Presentation	$130	Niche
98	House of Sillage	Hufflepuff	75mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$325	Niche
99	House of Sillage	Nouez Moi	75mL	99% Full	Tester	$120	Niche
100	I Profumi di Firenze	Caterina De Medici	50mL	99% Full	No Box	$35	Niche
101	Initio	Side Effect	10mL	100% Full	Official Travel Atomizer	$75	Niche
102	Knize	Knize Ten	125mL	99% Full	No Box	$110	Niche
103	Le Labo	Another 13	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$189	Niche
104	Le Labo	Baie 19	100mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$225	Niche
105	Le Labo	Cedrat 37 – Berlin City Exclusive	100mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$275	Niche
106	Le Labo	Cedrat 37 – Berlin City Exclusive	50mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$225	Niche
107	Le Labo	Gaiac 10 – Tokyo City Exclusive	100mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$400	Niche
108	Le Labo	Mousse de Chene 30 - Amsterdam City Exclusive	50mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$300	Niche
109	Le Labo	Musc 25 – Los Angeles City Exclusive	50mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$250	Niche
110	Le Labo	Rose 31	50mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$175	Niche
111	Le Labo	Tabac 28 – Miami City Exclusive	50mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$250	Niche
112	Le Labo	The Noir 29	50mL	99% Full	Sprayed Once to Test / Brand New; No Box	$175	Niche
113	Maison Crivelli	Bois Datchai	100mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$169	Niche
114	Maison Crivelli	Rose Saltifolia	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$159	Niche
115	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	724	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$365	Niche
116	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	724	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
117	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Amyris Femme Extrait Special Edition Bottle	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$245	Niche
118	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Celestia	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$115	Niche
119	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Celestia Cologne Forte	200mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$279	Niche
120	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Celestia Cologne Forte	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$149	Niche
121	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Celestia Forte	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$159	Niche
122	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Media Cologne Forte	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap	$175	Niche
123	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Universalis Cologne Forte	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$119	Niche
124	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Universalis EdT	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$219	Niche
125	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Vitae	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$219	Niche
126	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Vitae Cologne Forte	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$119	Niche
127	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Aqua Vitae Forte EdP	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$159	Niche
128	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Baccarat Rouge 540 EdP	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$205	Niche
129	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Baccarat Rouge 540 EdP	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$409	Niche
130	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Gentle Fluidity Gold	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
131	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Grand Soir	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$170	Niche
132	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	L'eau a La Rose	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$129	Niche
133	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	L'eau a la Rose	35mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$90	Niche
134	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	L'homme A la Rose	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$159	Niche
135	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Oud EdP	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$170	Niche
136	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Oud Extrait	10mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$35	Niche
137	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Oud Satin Mood EdP	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$190	Niche
138	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Oud Silk Mood EdP	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap	$170	Niche
139	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Oud Silk Mood Extrait	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap	$190	Niche
140	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Petit Matin	70mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$145	Niche
141	Maison Francis Kurkdjian	Petit Matin	200mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$350	Niche
142	Maison Lancome	Orange Bigarades	100mL	100% Full	Full presentation with Box	$229	Niche
143	Mark Birley	Charles Street	75mL	97% Full	Travel Version	$90	Niche
144	Masque Milano	Tango	35mL	99% Full		$90	Niche
145	Memo Paris	French Leather	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap	$135	Niche
146	Memo Paris	Inle	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap	$135	Niche
147	Memo Paris	Italian Leather	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box or Cap	$135	Niche
148	Memo Paris	Lailabella	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$135	Niche
149	Memo Paris	Marfa	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$135	Niche
150	Memo Paris	Moon Fever	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$135	Niche
151	Memo Paris	Oriental Leather	75mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box; No Cap	$135	Niche
152	Mind Games	Caissa	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$250	Niche
153	Mind Games	Gardez (Black Queen)	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$225	Niche
154	Mind Games	Scholar's Mate	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$225	Niche
155	Mizensir	Cologne de Figuer	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$175	Niche
156	Mizensir	Cologne de Matte	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$175	Niche
157	Mizensir	Ideal Oud	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
158	Mizensir	Luxury	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap	$165	Niche
159	Mizensir	Mythique Vetiver	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$175	Niche
160	Mizensir	Sweet Prailine	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
161	Mizensir	Bois de Mysore	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
162	Mona di Orio	Cuir	75mL	99% Full	No Box	$120	Niche
163	Oliver and Co.	M.O.U.S.S.E.	50mL	99% Full	Limited Edition 87/133	$110	Niche
164	Parfums de Nicolai	Patchouli Intense	100mL	98% Full	Full Presentation	$119	Niche
165	Perris Monte Carlo	Tuberuese Absolue	100mL	99% Full	No Box	$99	Niche
166	Pomare's Stolen Perfume	Angel's Share	9mL	70% Full	No Box	$40	Niche
167	Roja Dove	Apex Discovery Atomizer	7.5mL	99% Full		$50	Niche
168	Roja Dove	Creation-E Essence de Parfum	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
169	Roja Dove	Scandal Essence de Parfum	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$165	Niche
170	Roman Monegal	L'eau de Rose	50mL	97% Full		$70	Niche
171	Santa Maria Novella	Sandalo	100mL	95% Full	No Box	$80	Niche
172	The Harmonist	Desired Earth Eau de Parfum	50mL	100% Full	Brand new, Sealed	$219	Niche
173	The Harmonist	Magnetic Wood Parfum	50mL	100% Full	BNIB Sealed	$229	Niche
174	Tom Ford	Beau de Jour	1000mL	100% Full	Sealed Dramming Bottle	$1,000	Niche
175	Tom Ford	Ebene Fume	250mL	99% Full	Decanter; No Box	$750	Niche
176	Tom Ford	Ebene Fume	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$170	Niche
177	Tom Ford	Fougere Platine	250mL	90% Full	Decanter; No Box	$625	Niche
178	Tom Ford	Fougere Platine	1000mL	100% Full	Sealed Dramming Bottle	$1,000	Niche
179	Tom Ford	Fucking Fabulous	250mL	99% Full	Decanter; No Box	$750	Niche
180	Tom Ford	Fucking Fabulous	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$180	Niche
181	Tom Ford	Grey Vetiver Parfum	100mL	100% Full	Sealed, New in Box	$170	Niche
182	Tom Ford	Oud Fleur	1000mL	100% Full	Sealed Dramming Bottle	$1,000	Niche
183	Tom Ford	Oud Wood	250mL	99% Full	Decanter; No Box	$750	Niche
184	Tom Ford	Rose de Chine	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$175	Niche
185	Tom Ford	Rose Prick	100mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$269	Niche
186	Tom Ford	Soleil Blanc EdP	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$140	Niche
187	Tom Ford	Soleil Brulant	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$145	Niche
188	Tom Ford	Soleil Neige	1000mL	100% Full	Sealed Dramming Bottle	$850	Niche
189	Tom Ford	Tobacco Oud	50mL	95% Full	No Box	$180	Niche
190	Tom Ford	Tobacco Vanille	50mL	90% Full	Full Presentation with Box	$155	Niche
191	Tom Ford	Tuscan Leather	50mL	100% Full	Magnetic Cap Decant	$119	Niche
192	Tom Ford	Vert des Bois	1000mL	100% Full	Sealed Dramming Bottle	$900	Niche
193	Tom Ford	White Suede	1000mL	100% Full	Sealed Dramming Bottle	$850	Niche
194	TVGA	Milestones Extrait	9mL	90% Full	No Box	$40	Niche
195	Washington Tremlett	Black Tie	100mL	95% Full		$125	Niche
196	Yves Saint Laurent	Tuxedo	250mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$375	Niche
197	Acqua di Parma	Arancia Di Capri	150mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$65	Designer
198	Acqua di Parma	Colonia EdC	100mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$75	Designer
199	Acqua di Parma	Colonia Intensa	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$65	Designer
200	Aqua di Parma	Magnolia Nobile	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$115	Designer
201	Caron	Pour un Homme de Caron Le Matin	125mL	100% Full	Opened to test, sprayed once	$69	Designer
202	Caron	Pour un Homme de Caron Le Soir	125mL	100% Full	Opened to test, sprayed once	$69	Designer
203	Caron	Pour Un Homme Impact Parfum	75mL	97% Full	No Box	$175	Designer
204	Chanel	Allure Homme Sport - Aftershave Balm	100mL	99% Full	No Box	$65	Designer
205	Chanel	Allure Pour Femme EdT	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$65	Designer
206	Chanel	Antaeus	100mL	85% Full	Silver Sprayer	$125	Designer
207	Chanel	Bleu de Chanel - Aftershave Balm	100mL	99% Full	No Box, Minor Cosmetic Damage	$55	Designer
208	Chanel	Bleu de Chanel - Aftershave Lotion	100mL	99% Full	No Box, Minor Cosmetic Damage	$55	Designer
209	Chanel	Bleu de Chanel Parfum	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$130	Designer
210	Chanel	Chance Eau Tendre EdP	50mL	90% Full	Tester; No Box	$90	Designer
211	Chanel	Chance Eau Tendre EdT	150mL	99% Full	Tester; No Box	$120	Designer
212	Chanel	Coco EdP	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$85	Designer
213	Chanel	Coco Mademoiselle - Moisturizing Body Lotion	200mL	99% Full	No Box	$55	Designer
214	Chanel	Coco Mademoiselle EdP	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$90	Designer
215	Chanel	Coco Mademoiselle EdT	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$65	Designer
216	Chanel	Coco Mademoiselle L'eau Privee	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$90	Designer
217	Chanel	Cristalle Eau Vert EdT Concentree	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Designer
218	Chanel	Cristalle EdP	50mL	95% Full	Tester; No Box	$135	Designer
219	Chanel	No. 19	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$115	Designer
220	Chanel	No. 5 Eau Premiere	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$85	Designer
221	Chanel	No. 5 EdP	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$85	Designer
222	Chanel	Platinum Egoiste	75mL	99% Full	SPLASH, NOT SPRAY Older Formulation	$125	Designer
223	Christian Dior	Dior Homme Sport - 2017 Version	125mL	99% Full	Tester; No Box Batch Code is 6Y02	$89	Designer
224	Christian Dior	J'adore in Joy EdT	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap, No Box	$60	Designer
225	Floris	007	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap, No Box	$100	Designer
226	Floris	A Rose For...	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$65	Designer
227	Floris	Cefiro	100mL	100% Full	Tester with Cap, No Box	$59	Designer
228	Floris	Lily of the Valley	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box.	$65	Designer
229	Gucci	Gucci Guilty Absolute	90mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$70	Designer
230	Guerlain	Habit Rouge L'instinct	100mL	99% Full	Sprayed once	$84	Designer
231	Guerlain	L'instant de Guerlain Pour Homme EXTREME	10mL	100% Full	VINTAGE BLACK RIM - DECANT	$50	Designer
232	Hermes	Twilly	80mL	100% Full	Tester; No Box	$65	Designer
233	Jo Malone	Amber & Lavender	30mL	90% Full	No Box	$52	Designer
234	Jo Malone	English Oak & Redcurrant	30mL	80% Full	No Box	$49	Designer
235	Jo Malone	English Pear & Freesia	100mL	100% Full	Brand New with Gift Box and Gift Set (Body Wash, Body Lotion)	$180	Designer
236	Jo Malone	Rose & White Musk Absolu	100mL	100% Full	No Box	$180	Designer
237	Jo Malone	Velvet Rose and Oud Cologne Intense	50mL	99% Full	Tester; No Box	$90	Designer
238	Thierry Mugler	A*MEN	100mL	99% Full	Rubber Flask; No Box	$75	Designer
239	Thierry Mugler	A*MEN Ultra Zest	100mL	85-90% Full	Rubber Flask; No Box	$250	Designer
240	Tom Ford	Costa Azzura Parfum	50mL	100% Full	Brand New, Sealed	$130	Designer
241	Amouage	Cristal and Gold Ladies	50mL	95% Full	Vintage, Incredibly hard to find. Full presentation in nice condition	$399	Vintage
242	Cartier	Santos EdT	100mL	100% Full	Spray; Refill.	$299	Vintage
243	Chanel	Egoiste Cologne Concentree	100mL	97% Full	Bottle Only	$399	Vintage
244	Chanel	Gardenia EdT	100mL	100% Full	Vintage; Sealed	$390	Vintage
245	Crabtree & Evelyn	Crabtree & Evelyn Extract of West Indian and Sicilian Limes	125mL	100% Full	Full presentation with Box	$209	Vintage
246	Dunhill	Cologne	125mL	99% Full	Vintage; Splash	$100	Vintage
247	Escada	Pour Homme Aftershave	75mL	100% Full	BNIB Sealed	$165	Vintage
248	Escada	Pour Homme Aftershave	125mL	100% Full	BNIB Sealed	$240	Vintage
249	Floris	Bay Rum	3.5 Oz	97% Full	Vintage; Splash. "Use as a cologne, after shave lotion, or hair lotion."	$84	Vintage
250	Floris	Special 127	100mL	98% Full	Vintage; Dark Blue Box., 2 Royal Warrants, Vintage Version	$70	Vintage
251	Fragonard	Zizanie	240mL	80% Full	Shaker bottle (Splash, not spray) no box. At least 80% Full.	$240	Vintage
252	Geo F Trumper	Ajaccio Violets	100mL	99% Full		$40	Vintage
253	Gucci	Envy Aftershave	50mL	100% Full	BNIB Sealed	$140	Vintage
254	Gucci	Envy Aftershave	100mL	100% Full	BNIB Sealed	$215	Vintage
255	Gucci	Rush for Men	50mL	100% Full	Full Presentation; These do not come fully filled	$190	Vintage
256	Gucci	Rush for Men Aftershave	100mL	100% Full	BNIB Sealed	$140	Vintage
257	Guerlain	Heritage EdT	200mL	100% Full	New; Vintage; Splash. 1991 Bottle.	$225	Vintage
258	Guerlain	Samrasa EdP	50mL	100% Full	No Box	$109	Vintage
259	Guerlain	Samsara EdT 1992-1993 Formulation	100mL	100% Full	Tester; No Cap; No Box	$109	Vintage
260	Jean Desprez	Bal a Versailles	9 Oz	70% Full	Vintage; Splash; No Box Open to offers on this enormous bottle.	$135	Vintage
261	Lacoste	Eau de Sport Vivifiante	100mL	99% Full	No Box	$110	Vintage
262	Lacoste	Land	100mL	99% Full		$130	Vintage
263	Nino Cerruti	Fair Play Pour Homme	100mL	99% Full	Full presentation with Box	$275	Vintage
264	Paco Rabanne	Eau de Metal	20mL	100% Full	Vintage; Mini	$15	Vintage
265	Ralph Lauren	Silver Romance for Men	100mL	80% Full	No Box, No Cap	$145	Vintage
266	Revillon	Pour Homme Eau de Toilette Super Concentrate	60mL	99% Full	Atomizer	$190	Vintage
267	Revillon	Pour Homme Eau de Toilette Super Concentrate	90mL	99% Full	Atomizer	$290	Vintage​

Hello all. Like many of you, I'm sure, Kafka fascinated me from the moment the game started, where she was mentally playing Pachelbel's Canon in D, as she went to accomplish her mission, one that is wrapped up with hints of mystery, love, and 'saving the world.' I really hope we get a deep look into her heart as the story goes on, and that miHoYo does her story justice with respect to all the hints they've dropped so far.
So I was very excited when I saw that she would be released in 1.2. Seeing the most recent updates to her kit on HSR leaks (see the relevant post here, with the relevant leak data here), I decided to do some analysis to see how her damage would hold up to the best teams in the game currently.
The results are incredible. Kafka, just at E0/E1, is already on par (surpassing them, even, in some situations) for single target damage with a Seele hypercarry team, and surpasses it for 2+ targets. Of course, this is highly conditional, but it indicates that she's definitely the most powerful character introduced so far, if this kit goes through without significant changes.
I detailed all of what follows in a more thorough LaTeX post located here, for those interested in 'getting into the weeds' of the math. (If any of you have the misfortune to play Path of Exile, you may recognize this style of post from the guide I wrote for sustained Indigon builds. Don't worry—this one doesn't include proofs of convergence of series.)
So let's delve into the math a bit.
---
The damage formula for this game groups together certain damage sources together: all Attack increases are additive with each other, all Damage increased are additive with each other, all Damage Taken modifiers are additive with each other—but these groups are multiplicative with each other. This means that, for example, if we take Build A that invests 300% into increased Attack, versus Build B that invests 100% into Attack, 100% into Lightning Damage, and halves the enemy Defense—Build A does 4x damage, whereas Build B does 8x damage. Splitting up their investment got them double the damage. So when creating builds, its best to consider how one might make use of these and increase as many multiplicative options as one reasonably can.
We can see this featured well in the Seele hypercarry composition: Seele, Bronya, Tingyun, and a healer, for example. Bronya and Tingyun both provide scaling to Attack, to Damage, and to Crit Rate/Crit Damage to Seele. As such, she scales incredibly well with their support.
There were some basic assumptions I made in my calculations that follow (for example: facing an enemy with no weaknesses to our elements, an enemy of equal level (so that the defense modifier is exactly 50% reduced damage taken), not being broken but not being resistant, ignoring most substats, etc. We're not here to be exact, but to find the ballpark for where Kafka's damage potential is compared to the best builds out in the game already.
On that note, I drew from Seele's suggested build here. She uses the Genius of Brilliant Stars relic set with the Space Sealing Station planetary set, with a focus on Crit Rate, ATK, and Quantum DMG for main stats. If you want a more detailed look at the numbers, you can see the above link to the LaTeX document; for most of you, probably not as interested in the details of the math, I'll just post the results:

Seele's basic rotation: Skill + Ultimate (buffed state if killed with the previous Skill usage) + Buffed Skill (if killed with either previous attack). We can estimate this damage of the rotation to be:
Non-buffed scenario: 83909 total
Buffed scenario: 153380 total.

The buffed state is clearly very strong—almost doubling her DPS, thanks to the extra Skill usage and ATK buff!
But how would a hypothetical Kafka team compare to this?
---
My hypothetical Kafka team is pretty simple, focused on units that even F2P players can get: Asta and Sampo. Asta provides both a strong Speed buff (honestly, part of this was just to keep parity with Seele's speed, so as to make the comparison more even in that regard), as well as a very impressive party-wide ATK buff. Most other buff units would not be able to grant both Sampo and Kafka ATK buffs, but Asta can, while also buffing Speed. This is very useful for us. She can also provide slight DoT on her own, and possibly can contribute to Fire Breaks if they are weak to Fire. Uptime on her charges (to maintain the huge 75% ATK buff) is mostly reliant on multiple enemies and high Eidolon count, so her use in a team may vary.
Sampo, of course, provides damage over time that synergizes well with Kafka's kit.
For Sampo, I went with the Sampo build here; for Kafka, I went with the Band of Sizzling Thunder and either Pan-Galactic Commercial Enterprise or Space Sealing Station planetary set, with all the main stats focused on ATK% increase and Lightning DMG% increase.
The rotation for Kafka and Sampo is a bit more detailed, but once the DoTs are applied, it's fairly simple:

Kafka team rotation: Sampo skill + Sampo ult + Kafka talent + Kafka ult (which procs Sampo Wind Shear + Kafka Shock) + Kafka skill (which procs 0.9 * Sampo Wind Shear + 0.9 * Kafka Shock) + Sampo Wind Shear + Kafka Shock's regular DoT ticks = Sampo skill/ult + Kafka talent/skill/ult + 2.9 * Sampo Wind Shear + 2.9 * Kafka Shock
Single target damage: 108940 (compared to Seele's unbuffed 83909 and buffed 153380)

This is greater than the unbuffed state for Seele (where Seele doesn't get a kill on an add before targeting the boss), so this is superior for single target boss damage (excluding weaknesses and the like). For multiple targets:

Kafka team rotation against a group: Sampo skill/ult (all targets) + Kafka talent (one target) + Kafka skill (one target) + Kafka ultimate (all targets)
Individual unit takes: 3826 + 5308 + 2890 + 5349 + 14579 + 5349 + 14579 = 51880 for each non-targeted unit (we assume Sampo's wind shear is applied twice per target, on average). The targeted unit takes an additional 4336 + 5781 + 0.9 * 5349 + 0.9 * 14579 = 28052 for a total of 79932 against the primary target.
The total damage would be 79932 + 51880 * k for k additional enemies.

This beats Seele's fully buffed team even at just k = 2 additional enemies, much less k = 3 or 4, and that number of enemies would also ensure Asta's buff is pretty much always full if she's E6. Kafka/Sampo/Asta is very, very strong at fighting groups, and they are also very strong at fighting a single enemy, even if they can be outshone by Seele's hypercarry team in certain conditions.
---
Finally, looking at Kafka's eidolons, we have some really absurd scaling present. Even if we take more conservative interpretations of how these eidolons work (such as E2 simply being a "20% increased damage" modifier), we still get truly incredible damage scaling:

Overall single target damage: Sampo skill/ult + Kafka talent/skill/ult + 2.9 * Sampo Wind Shear + 2.9 * Kafka Shock = 9567 + 5308 + 4336 + 2890 + 5781 + 43880 + 90492 = 162254 (compared to 108940 E1)
Overall multi-target damage: Individual unit takes: 3826 + 5308 + 2890 + 6052 + 31204 + 6052 + 31204 = 86536 for each non-targeted unit. The targeted unit takes an additional 4336 + 5781 + 0.9 * 6052 + 0.9 * 31204 = 43647 for a total of 130183 against the primary target. So the total damage would be 130183 + 86536 * k for k additional enemies (compared to 79932 + 51880 * k for E1).

Comparing E1 and E6 Kafka, we get a 60\% single target damage increase (on the lesser end - potentially even higher) and a 64\% to multiple targets. Much of this is in her E6, but her E2 and E4 both also contribute. (This also doesn't include further percentage scaling on her ult and skill (E3/E5), which would raise this further (from level 10 to 13), potentially ending up bringing the E0/E1 to E6 increase over 100\%.)
Her eidolons are very, very strong, if you want more damage. But, as noted above, E0/E1 Kafka is already one of the best characters in the game. There is no need for further eidolons unless they are simply desired.
---
Conclusion/tl;dr: Kafka's team is on-par with Seele hypercarry for single target, sometimes even exceeding them. It by far beats them for multiple targets. Her eidolons are also very strong, but not necessary, as she's already one of the best characters in the game damage-wise.

​
https://preview.redd.it/vzbpjo40qx4b1.png?width=671&format=png&auto=webp&s=519e958841ad6dcf344377c837138f58f4deae5e
If you're looking to add volume to your hair, here are some tips and techniques that can help:

1. Choose the right haircut: Opt for layered cuts or shorter styles, as they create movement and lift, giving the illusion of more volume.
   
2. Use volumizing shampoo and conditioner: Look for products specifically designed to add volume and body to the hair. These products usually contain ingredients that coat the hair strands, providing lift and fullness.
   
3. Avoid heavy styling products: Heavy gels, waxes, and creams can weigh down the hair, making it appear flat. Opt for lightweight styling products or those labeled as volumizing or texturizing.
   
4. Blow-dry with a round brush: While blow-drying, use a round brush to lift the hair at the roots. Direct the airflow from the roots to the ends, which will help create volume and lift.
   
5. Use a root-lifting spray or mousse: Apply a root-lifting spray or mousse to the roots of damp hair before blow-drying. These products add lift and support to the roots, giving your hair more volume.
   

​
https://preview.redd.it/c0cr7yj3qx4b1.png?width=673&format=png&auto=webp&s=58a8c0878095aa2cf91802c3dc3a1741fd7d281d

1. Try a teasing comb: Teasing or backcombing the hair at the crown can instantly add volume. Gently backcomb small sections of hair at the roots, starting from the crown and working your way down. Remember to use a light touch to avoid damaging the hair.
   
2. Use dry shampoo: Dry shampoo not only helps absorb excess oil but also adds texture and volume to the hair. Spray it on the roots, then gently massage or brush it through to distribute the product evenly.
   
3. Consider a volumizing powder: Volumizing powders can be a great tool for adding instant lift and volume. Sprinkle a small amount of powder onto the roots and massage it in to create fullness.
   
4. Sleep with your hair lifted: Before going to bed, try creating a loose bun or high ponytail on the top of your head. This will help lift the roots while you sleep, giving your hair extra volume in the morning.
   
5. Choose the right hair accessories: Hair accessories like claw clips, headbands, or scrunchies can add volume and create the appearance of fuller hair. Experiment with different styles and accessories to find what works best for you.
   

Remember that everyone's hair is unique, so it may take some trial and error to find the techniques and products that work best for adding volume to your specific hair type and texture. Be patient, experiment, and have fun discovering new ways to boost your hair's volume and create your desired look.

Overview
In electronics, AI (artificial intelligence) chips are dedicated processors used to run AI algorithms. The difference from normal chips (CPU/GPU for general purpose) lies in the emphasis on specificity and versatility. CPU, GPU, FPGA, and ASIC chips can all execute AI algorithms. And to a certain extent, GPU and FPGA can also be regarded as AI chips, but ASIC has more distinctive features, so it is also the most representative. So what they are and why they matter?
​
What is AI Chip?
The so-called AI chips generally refer to ASIC (application-specific integrated circuit) chips. Both traditional CPUs and GPUs can be used to execute AI algorithms, but their speed is slow and performance is not good enough, making them impractical for commercial use. For example, automatic driving needs to recognize road pedestrians, traffic lights and other conditions, but if the current CPU is to calculate, then the car may overturn into the river before calculation results, which is a slow performance. If you use a GPU, the speed is indeed much faster, but the power consumption is high, and the battery of the car may not be able to support normal use for a long time, and the GPU is not economical, that is, ordinary consumers cannot afford it. What’s more, GPUs often out of stock. In addition, the GPU is not an ASIC specially developed for AI, so the speed has not reached its limit, and there is still room for improvement. In fields like intelligent driving requires fast calculation; in mobile terminals, AI applications such as face recognition and voice recognition must have low power consumption. Obviously, GPUs cannot meet the requirements, so the development of ASIC has become inevitable.
​
Why It Matters?
So why do we need AI chips? For AI algorithms, CNN (convolutional neural network) is commonly used in image recognition and other fields; RNN (recurrent neural network) is mainly used in speech recognition, natural language processing and other fields, which are two different types of algorithms. However, they are essentially matrix or vector multiplication and addition, and then cooperate with division, exponent algorithms.
A mature AI algorithm, such as YOLO-V3, is a large number of calculations such as convolution, residual network, and full connection, which are essentially multiplication and addition. More over, if the specific input graphic size is determined, then the total number of multiplication and addition calculations is determined, like one trillion times, of course, the real situation is much larger than this. If you want to execute it quickly, one trillion additions and multiplications must be performed.
Let’s take another example, such as IBM’s POWER8, one of the most advanced superscalar CPUs for servers, 4GHz, SIMD, 128-bit, assuming that 16bits data is processed, that is 8 numbers, and a maximum of 8 multiplication and addition calculations can be performed in one cycle, performing up to 16 operations at a time. But this is theoretical, it is unlikely in fact.
At this time, the peak calculation times of the CPU in one second = 16X4Gops = 64Gops. In this way, one CPU calculation time can be calculated. And the execution time can also be known by switching to GPU calculation. Let’s talk about AI chips, such as Google’s TPU v1, which is about 700MHz and has a pulsation array of 256X256, as shown in the figure below. A total of 64K units, and each unit can perform one multiplication and one addition at a time, that is 128K operations.
​
Systolic Data Flow of the Matrix Multiply Unit
In addition to the systolic array, there are other modules, such as activation, etc., which also include multiplication, addition, etc. Look at the peak calculation times of TPU v1 in one second is at least = 128K X 700MHz = 89600Gops ≈ 90Tops, compared with the CPU, you will find that there is a gap of several orders of magnitude in computing capability. Of course, the above data are completely ideal values, and the actual situation may be only 5%. Because the storage on the chip is not large enough, the data will be stored in DRAM, and the data extraction is very slow, then the multiplication logic often has to wait. In addition, the AI algorithm consists of many layers of networks, which must be calculated layer by layer. However, when switching layers, the multiplication logic is free. Therefore, many factors have caused the actual chip to fail to reach the calculation peak.
Although it can be used with slow calculating speed. But at present, the size of the neural network is getting bigger and bigger, and there are more and more parameters. When encountering a large NN model, it takes a few weeks or even a month or two to train, which wastes too much time. If you encounter a sudden situations, such as power outages, have to start all over again. Moreover, if the model is modified, it will take several weeks to know whether it is right or wrong, and no one has so much patience to wait. But with TPU, then you find that you can continue to run by optimizing the parameters during a meal. That is, fast calculation speed enables rapid iteration and development of a stronger AI model.
A deeper comparison can be made clearly for the kernel structure of the GPU. To be sure, the GPU is still relatively fast, at least much faster than the CPU, so most of them currently use the GPU, but don’t forget the GPU disadvantages mentioned earlier, so it is not suitable for large-scale use in data centers. Generally speaking, CPU and GPU are not AI-specific chips. Because they have to realize other functions with other logics inside, which are completely useless for the current AI algorithm. Their performance cannot be used optimally. So it can be seen that it is reasonable for Google to spend money to develop its own AI chip TPU.
​
AI Chips Design Principles
AI chips follow a hardware design rule: Sacrifice certain versatility to improve the efficiency of specific services. A well-understood example is Bitcoin mining. Bitcoin's basic algorithm is the SHA256, which is based on the hash algorithm, so there is no reverse formula, and it can only rely on mining machines to exhaustively enumerate a large number of possible values. For each block, the miner who first tries to get the correct value will be rewarded. So the faster the calculation, the higher the expectation of winning the reward.
For mining chips, both CPU and GPU have become the mainstream ever. However, as time goes by, GPU mining has become less useful. For example, the RTX3090 graphics card can perform 126.5M SHA256 calculations per second under overclocking conditions, and the total computing power of the entire Bitcoin network has exceeded 178.6EH/s, which is equivalent to the sum of the computing power of 1.4 trillion RTX3090 chips. Therefore, the current mainstream is ASIC mining, which are designed for the SHA256 algorithm, so ASIC mining far better than GPU, and even a single mining machine can overcome supercomputing centers. However, ASIC mining sacrifice generality in hardware, making it impossible to perform other computing tasks, and even unable to mine non-SHA256 algorithm blockchain currencies, such as Ethereum (which is a technology that's home to digital money, global payments, and applications. ).
In the example of Bitcoin mining, it can be seen that a dedicated chip is the most suitable: the algorithm or operator is fixed, and it is relatively simple in the application scenario. The AI chip has the same characteristics as the mining machine, emphasizing the computing efficiency in special scenarios, but the implementation scenarios are different.The purpose of the AI chip is to execute AI algorithms efficiently, so it is also called an AI accelerator. In addition, a bunch of other names are derived, such as NPU (neural network processor), TPU (Google’s tensor processor), APU ( AMD’s accelerated processor), whose properties are very similar.
​
AI Chip Classifications
AI chips can be divided into two categories. One is for both training and inference, and GPU or CPU can also do it, FPGA (Altera's Stratix series) either, but the TPU v2 and Bitmain's sophon may have an advantage in energy consumption. Compared with GPU, it retains a considerable number of floating-point processing units (or building a lot of tensor computing units), discards some useless graphics pipelines, and improves the energy consumption. There are fewer players in this part, but they are more interesting. For example, ICLR is also thinking about training with fixed-point devices, while Xilinx hopes that XNOR-net can allow fixed-point devices to participate in training.
The other type is the inference accelerator chip, which simply means running the trained model on the chip. This piece is really full of flowers, such as the Cambrian NPU, Intel Movidius (there is also a Nervana that should be similar to XeonPhi for training), Shenjian DPU, Horizon BPU, Imagination's PowerVR 2NX, ARM's Project Trillium, etc. This type of product provides IP for all developers to integrate deep learning accelerators into SoCs.
In addition, we need to talk about Tegra X2 separately. This is equivalent to a small desktop platform. The ARM processor plus Nvidia GPU can provide complete training and inference capabilities. Of course, the power consumption is also high. For other acceleration chips, I think it is best to divide them into two categories, floating-point and fixed-point. Floating point is only FP16 half-precision, of course, it supports FP16 and INT8, such as Cambrian’s NPU and Intel ‘s Movidius. In terms of fixed-point, it is easy to think of Horizon BPU and Imagination's PowerVR 2NX.
​
Development of AI Chips
Here we will take Google TPU as an example.

1. Parallelization

In order to better accelerate the reasoning of the model, it is necessary to summarize the characteristics of the actual model, find problems, and then make targeted optimization. The algorithm of the AI chip is usually based on the convolutional neural network. Faced with its huge amount of calculation, the CPU can only perform limited calculations in a single clock cycle, and calculation bottlenecks are prone to occur. Where the GPU improves the performance of parallel computing, and converts the equivalent transformation of the convolution operation into a multiplication and addition operation of the matrix, which has become the mainstream hardware for neural network training.
The core of model acceleration is to increase the level of parallelization and perform as many operations as possible in the same clock cycle. So the TPU redesigns a dedicated hardware architecture: the systolic array.
See the figure below for the systolic array of the TPU. The calculation results are not directly output, but "flow" in the array according to the law, and saved after the calculation is completed. It not only increases the degree of parallelism, but also realizes the reuse of parameters and avoids repeated loading. And this array can perform 65536 multiplication and addition operations of 8-bit integers per clock cycle. Under the main frequency of 700MHz, an amazing computing power of 65536 * 700,000,000 * 2 [email protected] is realized.
​
TPU-Systolic-Array
​

1. High-speed On-chip Storage

Google mentioned that in the neural network it deploys, the number of parameters ranges from 5 million to 100 million, and the intermediate results also have a large amount of data. If the convolution operation unit (such as a systolic array) is frequently performed from DDR:
1) Load parameters
2) Read data
3) Write results
Similar to the barrel effect, it is the shortest piece of wood that determines the water capacity, which is the performance bottleneck. The above-mentioned intensive DDR read and write operations make the IO speed easy to become the performance bottleneck of model reasoning. Therefore, TPUv1 is equipped with 28M bytes of on-chip memory (OCM). Although the cost is relatively high, the read and write speed is far superior to that of DDR. What’s more, the TPUv2 is equipped with 16GB of HBM storage, and its IO speed reached 600GB per second.
With a cache (OCM or HBM), frequently used parameters can be loaded into the cache in advance at runtime, and then the convolution kernel can quickly read the data without repeatedly loading from memory. Not only that, the on-chip memory can also save the intermediate results of the network operation, avoiding transfer (write + read back) on the memory, thereby significantly reducing the IO pressure of the memory.
The role of the cache here is similar to the L3 in the traditional CPU. The purpose is to effectively lower the pressure on the memory, so that the powerful computing power of the convolution kernel can be fully utilized, to avoid the situation of invalid waiting for data loading.
And the paper 2 experiments and counts the running performance of several mainstream models on TPU/GPU/CPU.
The horizontal axis is the required computing power divided by the amount of data that needs to be counted from the memory, which represents the computing density corresponding to the unit memory data loading, while the vertical axis is the actual computing power. Therefore, the slash part represents that the computing performance is restricted by the memory IO bandwidth, while the horizontal part represents that the performance has been fully utilized.
​
Operational Intensity: Ops/weight byte (log scale)
As shown in the figure, TPU is significantly better than CPU and GPU at high computing density. It can be seen that under high computing density, TPU can play a greater advantage.

1. CNN Quantization Algorithm

In addition to hardware design, in order to make the AI chip run the model more efficiently, it is necessary to perform lightweight processing on the AI algorithm, which can significantly reduce the size of parameters and the amount of calculation. The current neural network training is basically based on floating-point operations. When training and reasoning on the GPU, 32-bit or 64-bit is usually used to represent a floating-point number. If a lower number of bits is used, such as using 8 bits to represent numbers, the parameter size and calculation amount will be greatly reduced.
The figure below uses an 8-bit integer Q to approximate a 32-bit floating-point number.
​
32 bit float
This operation brings a certain quantization noise, and a good neural network will have a certain anti-noise ability, so the accuracy loss of the algorithm after quantization will be limited and controllable. Another advantage of quantization is that if the input and parameters of the model are quantized into integer numbers (such as int8/uint8), there is no floating-point calculation, which can simplify the hardware design. As mentioned above, the first-generation TPU only supports integer operations, not only because integer operations are more efficient in hardware, but also because the circuit is much simpler.
At present, there are two mainstream quantification methods:
​
Mainstream quantification methods
QAT uses the quantization operator when training the model. It can avoid the loss of precision to the greatest extent, but it cannot use the existing floating-point model and needs to retrain the model from scratch.
PTQ is to quantify the existing floating-point model, although the accuracy and efficiency of the model are not as good as QAT, there is still a great demand for use because there is no need to retrain the model and the threshold for use is lower. Here is a point, how to reduce the loss of accuracy is the goal of the PTQ program, and it has also produced a variety of ideas, such as linear quantization and logarithmic quantization.

1. Efficiency and Cost

In addition to the essential 3x3 convolution, there are dozens of common neural network operators. Because of the chip cost, design difficulty, and operating efficiency, existing AI chips can only support some operators. Therefore, it is necessary to understand and consider hardware capabilities during model training, and try to use operators that can be efficiently supported by AI chips to improve efficiency after deployment. Conversely, when designing the hardware of the AI chip, it is also necessary to consider the needs of algorithm design, and try to support more commonly used operators to improve the degree of freedom in model design.
If the manufacturer has the collaborative development capability between hardware, it can achieve a very good balance between model accuracy, chip cost, and inference speed. This is why more and more terminal manufacturers choose self-developed chips, and AI chip manufacturers often package algorithms for sale.
Note: This original content is from my blog KUKE Electronics.

• long history of sell/trade on indiemakeupandmore & IndieExchange
  
• Paypal G&S, $4
  
• prefer messages to chat invites
  
• PHOTOS
  

​
• Arcana Love, ~1.25ml (vanilla accord, fresh cream, sugarcane, soft musk, a pinch of tea leaves) $4.50 SOLD
• Arcana Paddling the Pink Canoe, ~1.25ml (dragonsblood, vintage patchouli, citron, pink salt, pink musk, amber) $4.50 SOLD
• Arcana Spark, ~1.25ml (Regina cherries, roasted coffee beans, Mexican vanilla, rich black earth, sweet smoke) $4.50 SOLD
• Kyse Macarons, 1ml (heliotrope, marzipan, hint of cherry, caramelized sugar, velvety vanilla custard, a soft smooth myrrh) $1
• Osmofolia Black Walnut, 1ml (bergamot, cardamom, black walnut husks, walnuts, dead leaves) $2.50
• Osmofolia Waxing Crescent, 1ml (gardenia, cold night air, tuberose, Bulgarian lavender, lavender maillette, lavender absolute, white musk, vanilla bean, spice) $2.50
• Poesie Green Girl water mist, 2oz, ~97% full (pistachio, wildflower honey, oatmilk matcha latte, heliotrope blossoms, marshmallow musk) $7 SOLD
• Stereoplasm Comet Corn, 1.8ml rollerball (crunchy clods of caramel corn with coconut-cream chocolate, jet puffed marshmallow, Europa sea salt) $2.50 SOLD
• Anna Sui Sky, 2ml spray (pear, bergamot, pink pepper, Lily-of-the-Valley, lotus, rose, popcorn, vanilla, musk) $2
• BTSO Indecent Cherry, 0.7ml (sweet cherry, almond, saffron, Bulgarian rose, sour cherry, strawberry, mimosa, vanilla, amber, Indonesian patchouil, musk, benzoin) $3
• Carolina Herrera Good Girl, 1.5ml spray (almond, coffee, bergamot, lemon, tuberose, jasmine sambac, orange blossom, orris, Bulgarian rose, tonka bean, cacao, vanilla, praline, sandalwood, musk, amber, cashmere wood, cinnamon, patchouli, cedar) $2
• Clean Reserve Skin, 1.5ml spray (praline, musk, salt, tonka bean, leather) $2
• Francesca Bianchi Angel's Dust, 0.7ml (black pepper, mimosa, rose, iris, musk, sandalwood, tolu balsam, benjoin, vanilla) $3
• Jorum Paradisi, 0.7ml (pear, rhubarb, grapefruit, honeysuckle, orange, guava, cucumber, pink pepper, magnolia, passionflower, tree moss absolute, mushroom, cedarwood, patchouli, soil) $3
• MMM Beach Walk, 1.2ml spray, never tested (lemon, bergamot, pink pepper, coconut milk, ylang-ylang, heliotrope, musk, benzoin, cedar) $2
• MMM By The Fireplace, 1.2ml spray (cloves, pink pepper, orange blossom, chestnut, guaiac wood, juniper, vanilla, peru balsam, cashmeran) $2
• Monyette Coquette Tropique oil, 3.75ml rollerball (hibiscus, gardenia, plumeria, French Anjou pear, Madagascar vanilla) $8
• Parfums De Nicolai Cologne Cedrat, 0.7ml (cedrat (citron), bergamot, black pepper, patchouli) $3
• Parfums De Nicolai Kiss Me Intense, 0.7ml (heliotrope, vanilla, aniseed, almond, fresh cut hay) $3
• Parfums De Nicolai Violette in Love, 0.7ml (Italian lemon, blackcurrant bud absolute, raspberry, essence of Turkish rose, a violet-iris accord, coriander essence, pink pepper, black pepper and musk) $3
• Sarah Baker Jungle Jezebel hand sanitizer, 50ml, ~98% full (orange, banana, grape, peach, bubble gum, rose, tuberose, ylang-ylang, amber, sandalwood, civet, vetiver, vanilla, tonka bean) $5
• Strangers Chokedee, 0.7ml (pandan leaf, rice, jasmine sambac, coconut, neroli, sandalwood, cashew nut, chommanard, frangipani, vetiver, musk) $3 SOLD
• Strangers Sweet Farewell, 0.7ml (coconut milk, Nipa palm leaves, vanilla, palm sugar, cedar, rice powder, sandalwood, musk, pandan leaves, tonka bean, cashmeran, ebony) $3 SOLD
• Universal Flowering Daddy, 0.7ml (black pepper, guaiacwood, hinoki, porcini, oakmoss, vetiver, benzoin) $3
• Universal Flowering Lilac No. 4, 0.7ml (lilac) $3
• Universal Flowering Poems One Through Twelve, 0.7ml (ginger, condensed milk, vetiver, opoponax) $3
• V&R Flowerbomb Ruby Orchid, 1.2ml spray (peach, vine, orchid, vanilla bean) $2

Dédalo moved frantically around the control room, overturning rocks, checking behind the screen, looking for any kind of hidden button. “Ninian, are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me!”
“What do you want me to do, cut her out?!” Ninian gestured to the screen of Perdita’s face.
“There must be a button or lever somewhere here!” Dédalo snapped, refusing to believe there was nothing he could do to help Perdida’s predicament.
Perdida’s mind was occupied, having accessed the system and the dormant data stored in it. As she scanned through memories and visions, the relevant information unscrambled itself for her. Piece by piece, the memories played in series.
Her first memory, the birth of her artificial soul, heralded by the priests that created her as the greatest experiment they have succeeded in. “May the MAKS-0 bring peace to Pieduro forevermore!”
Next were the lives of the Piedurons she was tasked with maintaining peace over. Teaching the children how to use and play with their Temples responsibly, assisting the Piedurons through their everyday lives.
Then watching over the construction of the Ring, the key to unifying and connecting the use of all Temples to a single source.
Then the Piedurons slowly turned their attention to the world around them, visions of expanding past the island. With the construction of the Ring, they had the means of using their Temples much further beyond their island. Tools originally used to create were beginning to be seen as potential tools of destruction and oppression against adversaries. Visions of expansion and conquest filled the mind of a small, but growing population of Piedurons.
“War is not peace.”
“War goes against the idea of maintaining peace.”
“War can not happen if there are no Temples to fight with”
Pedida watched her original decision play out in; the construction of the Ring allowed her to shut down every single connected Temple. What happened after was a terrible oversight, the energy in each Temple overloaded rather than being simply shut down. The Ring that connected the Temples shared and distributed the energy of all temples between each other, but once disconnected they had no way to regulate the remaining excess energy.
The fallout wiped out the Piedurons as a civilization and destroyed the vast majority of Temples. The remaining few priests sealed Perdida away, and that was the last memory she could see in the database.
Perdida’s attention turned toward Electra and 2095, still fighting in the ring, using the carts to chase each other in a perpetual circle. The thought crept into Perdida’s mind; with the Ring under her control, she could turn off the Temples and stop the fight. She could prevent Temples from being used by the wrong hands.
No.
Perdida stopped herself. Not falling into the same logic that her previous self could not reason past. Her journey with Dédalo had allowed her to grow and understand, she would make a different choice this time.
The fight only took a bit longer to finish, the streaks of light made it difficult to tell what was happening, but the fight ended with a chain of explosions and both bodies falling out of their carts.
2095 falls to one knee, glare softening as Electra’s body goes limp while smoking from so many orb explosions. Her stare reaches thousands of yards, still processing her personal discovery before a speeding orb barely grazes her cheek and snaps her back. She sprints to the unconscious body and scoops her up, draping her over her back nestled underneath [Yours Truly] and holds the skater’s arms as she continues dodging to the best of her ability.
Her legacy wouldn’t end in this place, but neither would Electra’s.

2095, with a score of 76 to Electra’s 59!

Category	Winner	Point Totals	Comments
Popularity	2095	20 (6.5+2) - 10 (4.5+2)
Quality	2095	25 (8-9-8) - 18 (6-6-6)	Reasoning
JoJolity	Tie	21 (7-7-7)- 21 (7-7-7)	Reasoning
Conduct	Tie	10-10	Nothing to report!

Perdida opened a service door for 2095 to escape through, hoisting Electra over he shoulder. With a bit of guidance, 2095 made her way into the control room where they were now all gathered.
After getting everybody settled, Perdida managed to convince Dédalo that she was ok and relayed the story for the rest of them to hear.
“So I have a new plan. I figured out how to control the output of energy of each Temple to ensure that Temples can only be used when I allow them to be used…But in order to do that, I will have to stay within this mainframe.” Perdida looked toward Dédalo with a sad smile.
“Don’t worry Perdida, this will only be goodbye for now. I still have to find you a physical body after all.” Dédalo gave a warm chuckle as he walked up to the screen.
Dédalo pressed his hands against the screen and the image of Perdida pressed her hands against his. “We’ve learned a lot over the course of our journey. I’ll promise to tell you all about my next adventures when I get back.”
“...your mascara’s running.” Electra looked at a sniffling Ninian.
“It said it was waterproof, guess that was a fucking lie”; Ninian hide her face with her hands, quietly using Endless Rest to dry her face and fixed her make-up.
2095 looked on at the scene and ruminated on Perdida’s story. The similarities she shared with Perdida were not lost on her. Striving to become more than their programing, more than someone made to serve a higher purpose, but never losing sight of the joy of collaboration and connections to others. 2095 put a hand over her chest, she herself had also come a long way to be here hasn’t she.
To Be Continued…
Scenario: Sliema, Malta — 8:00 PM
On the island of Malta, in the center of one of its busiest cities, was a building. A decrepit, abandoned building, rusted and cast in reddish shadow by the taller structures that surrounded it. It was once an apartment building, but it had long since lost that use.
The rest of the city was filled with noise. Screaming, car alarms and barking dogs. But around here, where no one bothered to come around, it was quiet. Butterflies dotted the railings of the building, watching. Waiting for something to come. Not like the people inside could stand guard, with the boards over the windows. Still, they didn’t seem very concerned about the state of things.
“I was expecting to be impressed when you said you got a new place to stay, but this...” Ninian stared at the walls of Mari’s room, trying her best not to wince. They weren’t really in the best shape. Nothing here seemed to be, really, aside from the extremely comfortable bed she was taking a seat on. She turned to stare at Mari. “Shouldn’t you clean up a little? I bet it could use a new paint job, at least.”
“Geh. I don’t have time for painting.” Mari clacked away on her computer, hunched over in a garish (but surprisingly comfortable) gaming chair. Alarmingly loud EDM blared from the cat-ear headphones hanging around her neck. “Do you know how many things I would have to unplug to do that? It’s impractical.”
She gestured to the mass of wires emerging from her computer setup. Indeed, it’d be pretty difficult to move that around. Mari sat in front of a large array of computer monitors hung from the wall, all different shapes and sizes, all displaying different things. She swapped from keyboard to keyboard, not even taking the time to look at Ninian as she spoke.
“Besides, it’s better for me if my place looks like shit. Better that it doesn’t look like anybody lives here, right?”
“That only really matters on the outside...” Ninian sighed. “You could at least get some lights.”
“The screens are enough light.”
“...I suppose.”
The two sat in silence for a moment. Ninian turned to stare at the other person in the room; Nadine Sokenna laid on the other side of the bed, fast asleep. “I’m glad the two of you are doing alright.”
“Mmm.” Mari grinned. “Me too.” She exhaled, finally finishing whatever business she was handling on the computer and spinning the chair around to face the bed. The short shorts, thick blanket, and extremely oversized Hatsune Miku shirt she wore certainly weren’t that flattering, but at least her hair finally looked pretty nice. The bags under her eyes weren’t quite gone, but they seemed to glimmer with newfound lust for life.
She looked happy. That wasn’t something Ninian had been able to say about her before.
“I take it work’s been good?”
“Mmm!” Mari gestured widely to the screens behind her. “It’s an age of information, Ninian! No better time to be an info broker! Business is booming! Ehyeheheh!”
The swordswoman chuckled at that. She was silent for a moment, her smile turning into a frown, her eyes narrowing.
“Anyway... I assume you didn’t call me here just to talk.”
“Huh?” Mari tilted her head to the side. “Whaddya mean?”
“Well, you called me to deal with ‘that’, right?” She pointed up. “Truth be told, my schedule’s really packed right now, and I’m not sure how much I can do-”
“Oh, no, that’s not it at all.”
“Huh?”
“I just wanted you around.” She shrugged. “It’s a bit tough to relax right now. Super hard! Having big strong Ninian around makes me feel a little better. Ehe.” She was visibly blushing. “S-Sorry if that’s stupid, but I figured you’d like to catch up anyway.”
Ninian paused. “...So if you didn’t bring me here to, uh, deal with ‘that’... Are you just leaving that be?”
“Ah?”
“I mean, it’s kind of a problem for you, isn’t it? Doesn’t seem too convenient to leave it be...”
“Well, the plan was to leave it.” Mari shrugged. “But I got a bit lucky.”
“You invited me here... Just to sit around and chat while someone else does all the work?” The swordswoman raised an eyebrow, arms crossed. “As I said, I’ve got a packed schedule-”
“Nah, trust me.” The info broker snickered, spinning around in her chair as she spoke. “Youuuu... Are really gonna wanna see this one. I got somebody totally wild to help out.”
Ninian scoffed.
“Okay... And who would that be?” She tilted her head to the side. “I’ll be the judge of that.”
“You’re not gonna believe this one...” Mari cleared her throat. “I called in -”
*Scenario: A lonely boat, on the Mediterranean Sea — *
Wah watched the sun bob on the edge of the horizon. Their hair billowed in the wind, and seafoam sprinkled their face; they didn’t particularly seem to mind. Considering all they’d done with their ability, being on a speeding boat was probably the last thing to phase them; they’d just wrapped up a fight in a walking house, after all.
They stood in silence, a light smile on their face, eyes pleasantly half lidded. There was pleasure to be found in the small things. The sunset on the open sea, for one, was quite nice. Indeed, despite all the troubles it would no doubt cause, COLOSSI's shift to humanitarian aid was doing wonders for their mental. Now if only Solsbury and the rest of them would stop nagging...
But now wasn’t the time to worry about that. Nay, there were far more important matters. Wah pushed themself off of the boat’s railing, moving towards the driver's seat of the boat. It wasn’t a big boat; probably just used for leisure, but the owner had been nice enough to give them a ride.
A large sum of money was involved, of course, but that was neither here nor there.
“Oh, cappy-tan!” Wah leaned on the side of the boat behind the driver’s seat. A balding, sun-tanned man chuckled at the name. He wasn’t really much of a captain, but he did like to feel important.
“Howst long does thou think it will be before we arrive?” Wah tapped on the side of the boat a few times. “Wah has places to be, you see! Tis of utmost importance that I arrive quickly! Utmost! You understand, yes?”
“Yeah, yeah, I getcha...” The boater sighed. “It’ll be about ten minutes... Honestly, I don’t get why you’re in such a hurry to get there, anyway. Everybody else seems to be clearin’ out.”
“Oho?” Wah raised an eyebrow. They lowered it, and raised the other one, performing what could perhaps be called an ‘eyebrow wiggle’. “And why is that?”
“Dunno. Nobody’s said much, and everything they’ve said hasn’t been too, er, what’s the word...”
“Comprehensible?”
“Yeah. That one.”
“Wah sees, Wah sees!” Wah nodded a few times, bouncing off of the boat’s side and meandering back to the front, wobbling from side to side as the vessel rocked. “From what Wah understands, it’s quite a situation out there! No normal soul would find it any sort of comprehensible. A true predicament... And that is why Wah must go. To assist poor souls who cannot assist themselves! This predicament falls within Wah’s expertise, you see.”
“...Right.”
“Mmm!”
“Ain’t you just a normal soul, too? ‘Sides the ears, you don’t look all that special. Kinda twiggy.”
Wah paused. In the past, being called ‘kinda twiggy’ would’ve surely resulted in a violent tirade. But those were the demons they swore to leave behind speaking. Now, without them, Wah simply laughed. “Nay! Twiggy as Wah may be, you can rest assured, fine citizen!”
They turned, the boater catching the briefest glimmer in their eye. “Wah’s soul is the furthest from ordinary one could possibly get.”
“...If you say so...” He turned his attention back towards driving, and Wah turned theirs to the open sea once more.
Eventually, land came into view. The boater looked upon Malta with some confusion. Everything in the distance seemed perfectly normal. Wah, on the other hand, seemed extremely focused on something in the sky, something the poor man couldn’t seem to find no matter how hard he squinted.
“No need to make it all the way to the island.” Wah’s frown felt out of place on such a naturally silly face. “Park the boat near here. Wah can go the rest of the distances Wahself.”
“Ah..? It’s pretty far from here, though-”
“Verily! But it is nothing Wah cannot handle!” They snapped their fingers, jumping on top of the boat’s front railing, almost seeming to glide.
“Say, Cappy-tan! Have you ever seen a magician at work?”
Ninian gaped. “You... You called in... The head of COLOSSI?”
“...That’s what I said, yes.”
“Whuh...” Ninian frowned. “You’re fucking with me.”
“I’m not.”
“You so are.”
“I’m not! You underestimate the greatest info broker on the planet, my dear Ninian!” Mari jabbed a thumb into her chest as she gloated. “With my Stand ability: ｢Today is a Beautiful Day｣, my surveillance is simply unmatched! You see, the pins that make up my ability, when thrice jabbed into something, create a ‘butterfly within a frame’, but that’s only the basest applic-”
“I know what it does, Mari.” The swordswoman’s confusion briefly made way for the usual moodiness. If you let Mari start, you’d never get her to stop, after all. “I’m more... I mean, how did you even...?”
“I heard through the grapevine, as it were, that COLOSSI was making some big changes. All just rumors of course, so take that all with a grain of salt. But word out there is that their boss has gone completely mad! They’re big into justice and stuff now! Something like that. So I tracked them down, used my butterflies to establish communication, and made them a deal they simply couldn’t refuse.”
“And what could you possibly have to offer someone like that?”
“Information is the new money, Ninian.” Mari chuckled, staring at the wall of her room. “It didn’t take much. I just told them... I knew where a certain someone they quite liked was, and if they took care of my business, I’d sell ‘em the info for free.”
Ninian, after a few moments of stunned silence, simply sighed, scratching the back of her head. She smirked.
“...And you’re absolutely not fucking with me.”
“Aw, c’mon.” She chuckled again, turning her attention back to Ninian. “Have some faith in your best friend, will you? Just sit back and watch.” She raised a thumbs up, grinning from ear to ear. “I don’t have to do any work at all today! As long as no complications arise, it’s as good as dealt with! Wa ha ha!”
Elsewhere, in Sliema, a complication arose.
His name was Errok, and for once, he felt a bit too awestruck to open his mouth.
As rare of an occurrence as this was, most of his brain power was dedicated solely to figuring out what exactly he was looking at. After a large amount of deducing and such, he eventually came to the simple conclusion that he had no idea.
It’s not like anyone else who could see it, though. You couldn’t even see all of it. Only sections, massive spherical tubes of undulating red poking out from the cloudy sky, constantly moving ever so slowly. The wind whipped through his greasy hair as his eyes, wider than they’d been in years, observed what could only be described as a massive, floating worm, made entirely of bright red strings.
Now that he had given up entirely on trying to figure out what the thing was, Errok could dedicate his incredible intellect to other thought processes. Eventually, he arrived at a conclusion, one that was without a doubt something only someone as academically gifted as him could come up with.
“That thing is going to be my horse.”
Indeed, using whatever that was as a noble steed was the only logical idea. Wherever a powerful being resided, there too was opportunity to be found. And as a self proclaimed ‘Weapon To Kill The Soul’, there was surely no beast he could not tame.
He spent the next few minutes idly chuckling to himself.
It felt a bit off, admittedly. The city was pretty empty. The chaos caused by the thing no doubt led to a mass evacuation; he could tell from the buildings that had collapsed around him that it’d done quite a number on the place. Occasionally he’d hear someone screaming for help or something, but he couldn’t figure out where that was coming from, so he didn’t bother. But not having someone to monologue to felt strange. This was the part where he bragged about his incredible plan to some oafish bystander! Where were the oafish bystanders!
“I suppose...I could talk to myself.”
He nodded a few times. An excellent idea.
“Yes! This’ll do just fine. I can just talk to myself! Ha!”
Errok marched forward, a pep in his step that made his gait particularly loud.
“Now then... Clearly, the right answer... is to elevate myself! Aha! Yes!” He looked around at his surroundings. The stairs inside the buildings probably weren’t reliable, even if he could fit through the doors.
“No matter! I’ll just, uh, hrnmm...” He stared at a nearby building. It was pretty tall. “Well, I guess I could climb up that.”
“AHA! With my incredible strength, I’ll climb this building! That’s what I’ll do!”
His head swiveled around: still nobody around. He sighed, though you wouldn’t have been able to hear it from within the helmet, and began his ascent. With a grin, he unearthed the grotesque arm that was ｢You Are Blood｣ from its gauntlet. The arm shot forth, worms spraying from the mottled surface. Yes, they would be his ideal audience. He cleared his throat a few times.
“All living things tremble at the sight of Errok, Apostle of Rot, Destroyer of Souls! I need no weapon, for I am the blade which cleaves life itself!” His body shot forward with a cacophony of clanking, as he howled along with another bout of laughter.
“The world is my, uh, whetstone! I shall sharpen my blade on each fallen fool that tries to stop me, and become a better knight, a better god, a better trickster, than all those fools that I’ve destroyed!”
Hitting the side of the structure with a clatter, Errok stuck his sword into the side of the building. Again, his arm lashed out to grasp the next floor of the building, before yanking himself outwards. This cycle repeated itself, floor by floor, as Errok launched himself higher and higher towards the heavens, and towards the worm that would become his knightly steed.
“Then, when I have conquered all of life and every soul with the absolute, supreme power of rot and decay, then!”
With one last pull, Errok ascended into the air, his massive form silhouetted by the sun. “Then, I will finally tear that flamboyant freak a new one!”
With a CRASH, Errok landed on the roof of the building as it cracked around him. He gave a clumsy flourish to his wormy audience, grinning with menace and delight.
…and received a slow clap in return. Looking around in confusion, as worms do not have hands, Errok’s eyes fell upon the environment around him. The sun was slowly making its way towards the horizon line, casting the ruined skyline of Sliema in shadow, a golden light shining through gray clouds. It was absolutely beautiful; anyone with any sort of care for the world around them would simply have to stop and admire the view.
Errok didn’t have any of that. He was far more concerned with something else, as you’d expect. There on the roof stood another figure, a fae-like being with pale hair, pointed ears and teeth, and gleaming eyes.
“Oh hey,” Errok greeted, pointing with the finger of ｢You Are Blood｣. “Do I know you from somewhere? Might’ve seen you at the races... You look pretty important, though! I bet you’re super important! As am I! Pleasure to meet you!”
Wah just stopped clapping, giving Errok a look. Their nose wrinkled. “Wah is…charmed.”
Not picking up on the sarcasm, Errok beamed.
“Of course you are! I’m sure that you’ve heard about me! Errok, Apostle of Rot! I’ve committed more sins than one could possibly imagine! I’ve conquered all sorts of bozos and losers to get here! And now that I’m here, I’m gonna ride! That! Worm! Oh yeah!!!”
“…Uh huh,” Wah hummed, clearly not listening as they peered up at the worm. “There isn’t really much time for jokes right now, so-“
Suddenly, Wah stopped speaking. Errok stared at them for a few seconds. “...You gonna finish that sentence, or-”
“Shut up.”
The “Apostle of Rot” was fully prepared to go off on yet another monologue, but at that moment he thought to maybe see what exactly this mysterious weirdo stared so intensely at. He turned his gaze to the sky, and his eyes widened.
The clouds that obscured the form of the worm had split, only slightly, and something had descended from the hole produced. It was small, so it was a bit difficult to make it out at first, but if he squinted really hard, he could begin to see the silhouette of a young girl, holding loosely onto a balloon.
“Eugh.” He spat. “Hate kids.”
The figure was silent until it landed, never quite touching the ground. It wore a soft expression; a pure white girl, with a sundress that fluttered in the wind. The string in her hand led to a red balloon, just as red as the pupils concealed in her thin eyes. On the surface, she looked human, but just by looking at her you could tell that it was no human being. The way it seemed to lightly pulsate, skin forming briefly into strings that wrap endlessly around each other.
She smiled upon the two of them. It was not a friendly smile.
“Good evening, you two.” She raised her hands to the two of them. “Wah-Chan, leader of COLOSSI, overlord of the criminal underground the world over... And... Errok...San...”
“Hey. Wait.” Errok raised his hand. He turned to Wah. “That’s who you were? Oh, man, I’m a big fan of your-”
“Tell me. Do you know what ‘time’ it is?”
Errok stifled. He didn’t like this lady very much.
“8:01 PM, is it not?” Wah rudely ignored Errok’s plight. “What’s it matter.”
“Not quite what I meant. It’s almost the ‘Golden Hour’.” She chuckled. “The ‘Golden Hour’, as it’s called, is the most beautiful part of the day. It occurs in the last hour before sunset, and the hour directly before sunrise. It usually lasts only twenty to thirty minutes, but those twenty to thirty minutes are incomparable. Truly, there is beauty in the world.”
SIlence. Neither Errok nor Wah could figure out how to respond to that. Right as Errok was about to open his mouth anyway, the girl continued.
“If you couldn’t tell, ‘Golden Hour’ is about to start, in about two minutes, give or take. I only found this out recently. You see, I have lived my recent life in someone else’s eyes. I’ve never had the chance to learn about the world on my own. I was only recently able to learn about things on my own time, rather than on someone else’s. There was so much I was denied a chance to see. Do you know how cruel that is? Most of the knowledge I’ve gathered... Is completely useless to me now.”
She pointed at Wah. “Did you know that the Monogatari anime being released out of order was originally completely unintended?”
Silence.

“Originally, the series was planned to release in the order of the books; Bakemonogatari came first, and its prequel, Kizumonogatari, was planned to release in 2012. However, due to production issues, it was delayed until 2016, while the other parts of the anime were released on schedule, resulting in an out-of-order release. The bizarre watching orders of Monogatari that the series is somewhat internet famous for are completely unintended, and only exist due to production issues. Did you know that?”

“No,” Wah glared, “Wah did not know that. To be frank, there is no circumstance or situation in which Wah would want or need to know that information.”
“Exactly!” In her first showing of genuine emotion, the girl threw her hands into the air. Her voice remained perfectly monotone. “There’s no reason for me to know that information, either. But instead of important things, I’ve only been shown information like that. My brain, despite being far superior to that of a human being, is filled with useless information that serves no purpose to me. Do you know what it’s like? Having a vessel that doesn’t care for you? Even after all the work I went through to make her do what I wanted, she refused to show me anything worthwhile. I had to learn about things such as the ‘Golden Hour’ myself. Isn’t that cruel?”
“Excuse me, but-”
“But anyway, back to the ‘Golden Hour’. It is frequently utilized by film mak-”
“Stop fucking doing that!” Errok slammed his boot into the ground, producing a loud clang that finally managed to silence the mystery girl. He huffed and puffed for a few seconds before clearing his throat and continuing. “What’s the point of talking to us about any of this? You just prattle on, and on, and on, without any purpose to it! You’re annoying! What’s your deal!”
“There is no point.”
“What?”
“There’s no point, really. I’m just making small talk.” The girl looked over her nails. “Human beings engage in ‘conversation’ to gain a grasp of each other’s personalities. To establish who is worthwhile to have around, and who is not. I simply wanted to do the same. While I’m in this form, I may as well play at humanity.”
“Anywho, from our conversation—” Errok scoffed. “—I have deduced something. You see, I was originally planning to take the ‘strings’ of every Stand user in the world, taking their abilities and adding to my own power. But I have unfortunately vastly underestimated how many Stand users are in the world. Frankly, it would be a lot of work to do myself. So I’ve decided to take on another vessel. Someone far more suited for this kind of work, and who will show me plenty of things.”
“Wah-Chan.” Wah rolled their eyes at that. “From this conversation, I have deduced that you are patient, calm, and rational. From observing the work of your organization, I can come to the conclusion that you are cruel and calculating. My name is Disappearance Addiction. I am the strongest ‘Miracle’ currently present in the world. And I would like for you to become my new vessel.”
“No thankies.”
“...”
“...What?”
“Wah doesn’t really care for that sort of thing.” Wah shrugged. “You seem annoying to have around. Wah actually came here to get rid of you, to be honest. ‘Tis my duty! Wah is on the side of justice, now, as is COLOSSI as a whole! It would be immoral to take the power of something like you.”
“You would refuse the power of a ‘Miracle’?”
“Wah doesn’t know what that is.”
Disappearance Addiction seemed well and truly stumped at that. Eventually, her head began to turn, slowly, as if she was afraid of what her gaze would land on.
“Errok... San...”
“Yeah?”
“You... Would you like... Power?”
“That’s the first interesting thing you’ve said all day.” Errok nodded. “Fuck me up, lady.”
“...You’re not going to think it over, or anything?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Can you just give it to me already? C’mon.”
“...” Disappearance Addiction was silent for a few moments. On one hand, this guy smelled very bad. He was incredibly impatient. And he generally seemed like a big idiot. On the other hand, he did scale the building pretty easily...
“Alright.” She sighed. “I’ve come to a decision. Errok-San. If you kill Wah-Chan before the ‘Golden Hour’ ends, you may become my vessel. Does that satisfy you?”
“How long till Goldy Hour ends?”
“Twenty to thirty minutes.”
“Ha!” Errok unsheathed his sword and swung it onto his shoulder. “I’ll end it in three!” He smirked beneath his armor, pointing his massive blade at Wah. “You there! Wah! Leader of COLOSSI, was it?”
“...That is me, yes.”
“Get ready for the fight of your life, bub! After I kill you, I’m gonna be the boss of COLOSSI! I’ll be on top of the world! God King Errok! Everyone’ll bow to me! That kinda power ain’t something a little pacifist baby face like you’s worthy of having! So I’ll just take it right out of your hands! Ha ha ha! Thinking about it really amps me up! Oh, man!”
He paused, staring at Wah.
“I was really expecting you to cut me off there. It’s been happening all day. You just gonna sit there?”
Wah’s brow furrowed.
“Tell me...” They stepped forward, the dust around them kicking into the air, beginning to circle around them. “...Do you honestly believe... That you can beat me? Is that something... You think you’re capable of?”
“Course it is. I’m a weapon to kill the soul.”
“Hmph.” Wah sighed. “So be it.”
Disappearance Addiction smiled upon the two as she rose further into the air, wind whipping through her hair. A golden glow illuminated the cityscape, the sun reaching its final moments in the sky. “I feel like... I should say something here...Ah, that’s it!

”OPEN THE GAME!”

Location:
In the city of Sliema, Malta, currently with thick strings hanging overhead.
The area here is 32 by 40 meters with each tile being 2 by 2 meters. Wah and Errok start on top of buildings, as represented by their character tokens.
The yellow rectangles are clay buildings, each numbered to represent their elevation level.The (1) marked buildings are 5 meters tall, the ones marked with a (2) are 10 meters tall, and the ones marked with a (3) are 15 meters tall.
The White Rectangles are Laundry racks with nearby baskets, folding chairs, cleaned clothing, and towels.
The Green Circles are palm trees that are 20 meters tall.
The Magenta Lines across the map are Strings produced by Disappearance Addiction and are attached to the buildings and trees. These strings are thick enough to balance on and have B Durability.
The brown rectangles are wooden benches. The blue circles are fountains.
Goal: RETIRE your opponent!
Additional Information:
Players are not allowed to enter the buildings for the purposes of this match and will be Retired if they are unable or unwilling to leave the “out of bounds area”
There is enough space between buildings for either player to move through the alleyways
Wah starts next to a large umbrella with a hooked handle, a portable grill, and a cushioned lawn chair

Team	Combatant	JoJolity
Bastards of Barcas	Errok	“The word “ignorant” has a nice ring to it, so I don’t mind being called that, but “incompetent” is going just a bit too far…” Establish superiority over your opponent through your movement and positioning!
COLOSSI	Mx. Wah	“A creature like you having a brain residing in his skull…is already a miracle in and of itself.” Establish superiority over your opponent through your movement and positioning!

Link to Official Player Spreadsheet
Link to Match Schedule
As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN:
(Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me!
JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry!
BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men.
ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM==

• What do you think he makes? BARRY:
• Not enough. TOUR GUIDE: Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. (They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each wearing a finger-shaped hat) Barry:
• Wow, What does that do? TOUR GUIDE:
• Catches that little strand of honey : that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ADAM: (Intrigued) Can anyone work on the Krelman? TOUR GUIDE: Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. : But choose carefully : because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. (Everyone claps except for Barry) BARRY: The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. ADAM:

What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away)
LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)
ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that.
(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN:
Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. :
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'm so proud. (The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job) ADAM: - We're starting work today!
BARRY: - Today's the day. ADAM: Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY: Yeah, right. JOB LISTER: Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Is it still available? JOB LISTER: - Hang on. Two left! : One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. ADAM: - What'd you get? BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Picking crud out. Stellar! (He walks away) ADAM: Wow! JOB LISTER: Couple of newbies? ADAM: Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! JOB LISTER: Make your choice. (Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very confusing)
ADAM: - You want to go first? BARRY: - No, you go. ADAM: Oh, my. What's available? JOB LISTER: Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. ADAM: - Any chance of getting the Krelman? JOB LISTER: - Sure, you're on. (Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head) (Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out) : I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. (Takes Adam's hat off) Wax monkey's always open. ADAM: The Krelman opened up again. : What happened? JOB LISTER: A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. : Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. : Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
ADAM: Oh, this is so hard! (Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off) Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, : humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, : mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? (Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away) : Barry! POLLEN JOCK: All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... ADAM: (Through phone) What happened to you? Where are you? BARRY: - I'm going out. ADAM: - Out? Out where? BARRY: - Out there. ADAM: - Oh, no! BARRY: I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM:
You're gonna die! You're crazy! (Barry hangs up) Hello? POLLEN JOCK #2: Another call coming in. : If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd : that gets their roses today. BARRY: Hey, guys. POLLEN JOCK #1 == - Look at that. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LO DUVA: Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. POLLEN JOCK #1: It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. (Puts hand on Barry's shoulder) LOU LO DUVA: (To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you? BEE WITH CLIPBOARD: (To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that. : - Thank you. LOU LO DUVA: - OK. : You got a rain advisory today, :
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. : So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, : hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. : Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. : Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! BARRY: - That's awful. LOU LO DUVA: (Still talking through megaphone) - And a reminder for you rookies, : bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! : All right, launch positions! POLLEN JOCKS: (The Pollen Jocks run into formation) : Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! LOU LU DUVA: Black and yellow! POLLEN JOCKS:
Hello! POLLEN JOCK #1: (To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot? BARRY: Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. POLLEN JOCK's: Wind, check. : - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. : - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. BARRY: Scared out of my shorts, check. LOU LO DUVA: OK, ladies, : let's move it out! : Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! : All of you, drain those flowers! (The pollen jocks fly out of the hive) BARRY: Wow! I'm out! : I can't believe I'm out! : So blue.
: I feel so fast and free! : Box kite! (Barry flies through the kite) : Wow! : Flowers! (A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to heat sink goggles.) POLLEN JOCK: This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. : Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. : Roses! POLLEN JOCK #1: 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. : Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. (The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun) BARRY: That is one nectar collector! POLLEN JOCK #1== - Ever see pollination up close? BARRY: - No, sir. POLLEN JOCK #1:
(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles pollen as he goes) : I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, : a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. BARRY: That's amazing. Why do we do that? POLLEN JOCK #1: That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY: Cool. POLLEN JOCK #1: I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. could be daisies. Don't we need those? POLLEN JOCK #2: Copy that visual. : Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. POLLEN JOCK #1: Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? POLLEN JOCK #2: Affirmative. (The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are obviously just tennis balls) KEN: (In the distance) That was on the line!
POLLEN JOCK #1: This is the coolest. What is it? POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't know, but I'm loving this color. : It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. POLLEN JOCK #1: Yeah, fuzzy. (Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck) POLLEN JOCK #3== Chemical-y. (The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. (The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of one of the tennis balls) POLLEN JOCK #2: My sweet lord of bees! POLLEN JOCK #3: Candy-brain, get off there! POLLEN JOCK #1: (Pointing upwards) Problem! (A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck to) BARRY: - Guys! POLLEN JOCK #2: - This could be bad. POLLEN JOCK #3: Affirmative. (Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick to it)
BARRY== Very close. : Gonna hurt. : Mama's little boy. (Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is still stuck to the ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: You are way out of position, rookie! KEN: Coming in at you like a MISSILE! (Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball) BARRY: (In slow motion) Help me! POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't think these are flowers. POLLEN JOCK #3: - Should we tell him? POLLEN JOCK #1: - I think he knows. BARRY: What is this?! KEN: Match point! : You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to EAT IT! (A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city) BARRY:
Yowser! (Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there) BARRY: Ew, gross. (The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry into the car) GIRL IN CAR: There's a bee in the car! : - Do something! DAD DRIVING CAR: - I'm driving! BABY GIRL: (Waving at Barry) - Hi, bee. (Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl) GUY IN BACK OF CAR: - He's back here! : He's going to sting me! GIRL IN CAR: Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! (Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car) : GRANDMA IN CAR== He blinked! (The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car, climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry) GIRL IN CAR: Spray him, Granny! DAD DRIVING THE CAR: What are you doing?! (Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above
the ground, safe.) BARRY: Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. (Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds moving into this direction) : I gotta get home. : Can't fly in rain. : Can't fly in rain. (A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged) : Can't fly in rain. (A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! (WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a plant inside an apartment near the window) VANESSA BLOOME: Ken, could you close the window please? KEN== Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. : You see? (Folds brochure resume out) Folds out. (Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside) BARRY: Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. (Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again) : What was that?
(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back because the window is closed) Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... : Drapes! (Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is) That is diabolical. KEN: It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. ANDY: What's number one? Star Wars? KEN: Nah, I don't go for that... (Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops) : ...kind of stuff. BARRY: No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. KEN: When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. BARRY: (Looking at the light on the ceiling) There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. (Starts flying towards the lightbulb) : I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. (Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the humans are sitting at) KEN:
I predicted global warming. : I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. (Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and is about to put it in his mouth) : Wait! Stop! Bee! (Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans freak out) : Stand back. These are winter boots. (Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but Vanessa saves him last second) VANESSA: Wait! : Don't kill him! (Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him) KEN: You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! VANESSA: Why does his life have less value than yours? KEN: Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA: I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. (Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement) KEN:
My brochure! VANESSA: There you go, little guy. (Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is still shocked that a human saved his life) KEN: I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. VANESSA: Put that on your resume brochure. KEN: My whole face could puff up. ANDY: Make it one of your special skills. KEN: Knocking someone out is also a special skill. (Ken walks to the door) Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. : - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA: - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. : (Vanessa tries to close door) KEN== - You could put carob chips on there. VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door but Ken opens it again) KEN: - Supposed to be less calories.
VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door) (Fast forward to the next day, Barry is still inside the house. He flies into the kitchen where Vanessa is doing dishes) BARRY== (Talking to himself) I gotta say something. : She saved my life. I gotta say something. : All right, here it goes. (Turns back) Nah. : What would I say? : I could really get in trouble. : It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. : I can't believe I'm doing this. : I've got to. (Barry disguises himself as a character on a food can as Vanessa walks by again) : Oh, I can't do it. Come on! : No. Yes. No. : Do it. I can't.
: How should I start it? (Barry strikes a pose and wiggles his eyebrows) "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. (Vanessa is about to walk past Barry) Here she comes! Speak, you fool! : ...Hi! (Vanessa gasps and drops the dishes in fright and notices Barry on the counter) : I'm sorry. VANESSA: - You're talking. BARRY: - Yes, I know. VANESSA: (Pointing at Barry) You're talking! BARRY: I'm so sorry. VANESSA: No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. : But I don't recall going to bed. BARRY: Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA: This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
BARRY: I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, (Pointing to the living room where Ken tried to kill him last night) but they were all trying to kill me. : And if it wasn't for you... : I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. (Vanessa stabs her hand with a fork to test whether she's dreaming or not) : That was a little weird. VANESSA: - I'm talking with a bee. BARRY: - Yeah. VANESSA: I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! BARRY: I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. (Barry turns to leave) VANESSA: - Wait! How did you learn to do that? BARRY: (Flying back) - What? VANESSA: The talking...thing. BARRY:
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. VANESSA: - That's very funny. BARRY: - Yeah. : Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. : Anyway... VANESSA: Can I... : ...get you something? BARRY: - Like what? VANESSA: I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? BARRY: I don't want to put you out. VANESSA: It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. : - It's just coffee. BARRY: - I hate to impose. (Vanessa starts making coffee) VANESSA: - Don't be ridiculous!
BARRY: - Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA: Hey, you want rum cake? BARRY: - I shouldn't. VANESSA: - Have some. BARRY: - No, I can't. VANESSA: - Come on! BARRY: I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. VANESSA: - Where? BARRY: - These stripes don't help. VANESSA: You look great! BARRY: I don't know if you know anything about fashion. : Are you all right? VANESSA: (Pouring coffee on the floor and missing the cup completely) No. (Flash forward in time. Barry and Vanessa are sitting together at a table on top of the apartment building drinking coffee)
: BARRY== He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. : He finally gets there. : He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. : And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. : Why would I marry a watermelon?" (Barry laughs but Vanessa looks confused) VANESSA: Is that a bee joke? BARRY: That's the kind of stuff we do. VANESSA: Yeah, different. : So, what are you gonna do, Barry? (Barry stands on top of a sugar cube floating in his coffee and paddles it around with a straw like it's a gondola) BARRY: About work? I don't know. : I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. VANESSA: I know how you feel.
BARRY: - You do? VANESSA: - Sure. : My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY: - Really? VANESSA: - My only interest is flowers. BARRY: Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. : Anyway, if you look... (Barry points to a tree in the middle of Central Park) : There's my hive right there. See it? VANESSA: You're in Sheep Meadow! BARRY: Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! VANESSA: No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. BARRY: - Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA: - Why not? BARRY:

• It's like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA:
• Maybe I'll try that. (A custodian installing a lightbulb looks over at them but to his perspective it looks like Vanessa is talking to a cup of coffee on the table) CUSTODIAN:
• You all right, ma'am? VANESSA:
• Oh, yeah. Fine. : Just having two cups of coffee! BARRY: Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. VANESSA== Yeah, it's no trouble. BARRY: Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. (Barry points towards the rum cake) : Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA: Sure! Here, have a crumb. (Vanessa hands Barry a crumb but it is still pretty big for Barry) BARRY:
• Thanks! VANESSA:
• Yeah. BARRY: All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.
  : Or not. VANESSA: OK, Barry... BARRY: And thank you so much again... for before. VANESSA: Oh, that? That was nothing. BARRY: Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... (Vanessa and Barry hold hands, but Vanessa has to hold out a finger because her hands is to big and Barry holds that) (The custodian looks over again and it appears Vanessa is laughing at her coffee again. The lightbulb that he was screwing in sparks and he falls off the ladder) (Fast forward in time and we see two Bee Scientists testing out a parachute in a Honex wind tunnel) BEE SCIENTIST #1: This can't possibly work. BEE SCIENTIST #2: He's all set to go. We may as well try it. : OK, Dave, pull the chute. (Dave pulls the chute and the wind slams him against the wall and he falls on his face.The camera pans over and we see Barry and Adam walking together) ADAM:
  
• Sounds amazing. BARRY:
  
• It was amazing! : It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.
  

ADAM: Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! : Giant, scary humans! What were they like? BARRY: Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. : They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. ADAM: - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? BARRY: - Some of them. But some of them don't. ADAM: - How'd you get back? BARRY: - Poodle. ADAM: You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. : You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. BARRY: - Well... ADAM: - Well? BARRY: Well, I met someone.
ADAM: You did? Was she Bee-ish? : - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! BARRY: - No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM: - Spider? BARRY: - I'm not attracted to spiders. : I know, for everyone else, it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. : I can't get by that face. ADAM: So who is she? BARRY: She's... human. ADAM: No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. BARRY: - Her name's Vanessa. (Adam puts his head in his hands) ADAM: - Oh, boy. BARRY== She's so nice. And she's a florist! ADAM: Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
BARRY: We're not dating. ADAM: You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes : with power washers and M-80s! That's one-eighth a stick of dynamite! BARRY: She saved my life! And she understands me. ADAM: This is over! BARRY: Eat this. (Barry gives Adam a piece of the crumb that he got from Vanessa. Adam eats it) ADAM: (Adam's tone changes) This is not over! What was that? BARRY: - They call it a crumb. ADAM: - It was so stingin' stripey! BARRY: And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! : - You know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM: - No. (Adam opens a door behind him and he pulls Barry in)
BARRY: It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. ADAM: Be quiet! BARRY: They heat it up... ADAM: Sit down! (Adam forces Barry to sit down) BARRY: (Still rambling about Cinnabons) ...really hot! (Adam grabs Barry by the shoulders) ADAM: - Listen to me! : We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! BARRY== Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? ADAM: There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! : You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! BARRY: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEE: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEES AND ADAM: Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! (Flash forward in time; Barry is laying on a raft in a pool full of honey. He is wearing sunglasses) JANET: There he is. He's in the pool. MARTIN: You know what your problem is, Barry? (Barry pulls down his sunglasses and he looks annoyed) BARRY: (Sarcastic) I gotta start thinking bee? JANET: How much longer will this go on? MARTIN: It's been three days! Why aren't you working? (Puts sunglasses back on) BARRY: I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. MARTIN: What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! JANET: Would it kill you to make a little honey? (Barry rolls off the raft and sinks into the honey pool) : Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. : Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN:
Barry, I'm talking to you! (Barry keeps sinking into the honey until he is suddenly in Central Park having a picnic with Vanessa) (Barry has a cup of honey and he clinks his glass with Vanessas. Suddenly a mosquito lands on Vanessa and she slaps it, killing it. They both gasp but then burst out laughing) VANESSA: You coming? (The camera pans over and Vanessa is climbing into a small yellow airplane) BARRY: Got everything? VANESSA: All set! BARRY: Go ahead. I'll catch up. (Vanessa lifts off and flies ahead) VANESSA: Don't be too long. (Barry catches up with Vanessa and he sticks out his arms like ana irplane. He rolls from side to side, and Vanessa copies him with the airplane) VANESSA: Watch this! (Barry stays back and watches as Vanessa draws a heart in the air using pink smoke from the plane, but on the last loop-the-loop she suddenly crashes into a mountain and the plane explodes. The destroyed plane falls into some rocks and explodes a second time) BARRY: Vanessa! (As Barry is yelling his mouth fills with honey and he wakes up, discovering that he was just day dreaming. He slowly sinks back into the honey pool) MARTIN: - We're still here.
JANET: - I told you not to yell at him. : He doesn't respond to yelling! MARTIN: - Then why yell at me? JANET: - Because you don't listen! MARTIN: I'm not listening to this. BARRY: Sorry, I've gotta go. MARTIN: - Where are you going? BARRY: - I'm meeting a friend. JANET: A girl? Is this why you can't decide? BARRY: Bye. (Barry flies out the door and Martin shakes his head) : JANET== I just hope she's Bee-ish. (Fast forward in time and Barry is sitting on Vanessa's shoulder and she is closing up her shop) BARRY: They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA: To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
: Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY: A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? VANESSA: No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? BARRY: It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. VANESSA: Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. BARRY: TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! VANESSA: You don't have that? BARRY: We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA: Oh, my. (A human walks by and Barry narrowly avoids him) PASSERBY: Dumb bees! VANESSA: You must want to sting all those jerks. BARRY: We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us. VANESSA: So you have to watch your temper (They walk into a store) BARRY: Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, : write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: : Anger, jealousy, lust. (Suddenly an employee(Hector) hits Barry off of Vanessa's shoulder. Hector thinks he's saving Vanessa) VANESSA: (To Barry) Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? (Barry is getting up off the floor) BARRY: Yeah. VANESSA: (To Hector) - What is wrong with you?! HECTOR: (Confused) - It's a bug. VANESSA: He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! (Vanessa hits Hector across the face with the magazine he had and then hits him in the head. Hector backs away covering his head) Barry: What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? (Vanessa sets Barry back on her shoulder)
VANESSA: Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY: It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. VANESSA: You've really got that down to a science. BARRY: - Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA: - I'll bet. (Barry looks to his right and notices there is honey for sale in the aisle) BARRY: What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? (Barry looks at all the brands of honey, shocked) How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, : Ray Liotta Private Select? (Barry puts his hands up and slowly turns around, a look of disgust on his face) VANESSA: - Is he that actor? BARRY: - I never heard of him. : - Why is this here? VANESSA: - For people. We eat it. BARRY:
You don't have enough food of your own?! (Hector looks back and notices that Vanessa is talking to Barry) VANESSA: - Well, yes. BARRY: - How do you get it? VANESSA: - Bees make it. BARRY: - I know who makes it! : And it's hard to make it! : There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! VANESSA: - It's organic. BARRY: - It's our-ganic! VANESSA: It's just honey, Barry. BARRY: Just what?! : Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! : You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! :
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. : I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! (Flash forward in time; Barry paints his face with black strikes like a soldier and sneaks into the storage section of the store) (Two men, including Hector, are loading boxes into some trucks) : SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE== Hey, Hector. : - You almost done? HECTOR: - Almost. (Barry takes a step to peak around the corner) (Whispering) He is here. I sense it. : Well, I guess I'll go home now (Hector pretends to walk away by walking in place and speaking loudly) : and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. BARRY: You're busted, box boy! HECTOR: I knew I heard something! So you can talk! BARRY: I can talk. And now you'll start talking! : Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier? HECTOR: I don't understand. I thought we were friends. : The last thing we want to do is upset bees! (Hector takes a thumbtack out of the board behind him and sword-fights Barry. Barry is using his stinger like a sword) : You're too late! It's ours now! BARRY: You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! HECTOR: You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! (Barry hits the thumbtack out of Hectors hand and Hector surrenders) Barry: Where is the honey coming from? : Tell me where! HECTOR: (Pointing to leaving truck) Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! (Barry chases after the truck but it is getting away. He flies onto a bicyclists' backpack and he catches up to the truck) CAR DRIVER: (To bicyclist) Crazy person! (Barry flies off and lands on the windshield of the Honey farms truck. Barry looks around and sees dead bugs splattered everywhere) BARRY: What horrible thing has happened here?
: These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now : they're on the road to nowhere! (Barry hears a sudden whisper) (Barry looks up and sees Mooseblood, a mosquito playing dead) MOOSEBLOOD: Just keep still. BARRY: What? You're not dead? MOOSEBLOOD: Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? BARRY: To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD: I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! ANOTHER BUG PLAYING DEAD: I'm going to Tacoma. (Barry looks at another bug) BARRY: - And you? MOOSEBLOOD: - He really is dead. BARRY: All right. (Another bug hits the windshield and the drivers notice. They activate the windshield wipers) MOOSEBLOOD== Uh-oh! (The windshield wipers are slowly sliding over the dead bugs and wiping
them off) BARRY: - What is that?! MOOSEBLOOD: - Oh, no! : - A wiper! Triple blade! BARRY: - Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD: Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! (Mooseblood and Barry grab onto the wiper and they hold on as it wipes the windshield) Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! : How much do you people need to see?! (Bangs on windshield) : Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! RADIO IN TRUCK: From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. MOOSEBLOOD: But don't kill no more bugs! (Mooseblood and Barry are washed off by the wipr fluid) MOOSEBLOOD: - Bee! BARRY: - Moose blood guy!! (Barry starts screaming as he hangs onto the antenna) (Suddenly it is revealed that a water bug is also hanging on the antenna.
There is a pause and then Barry and the water bug both start screaming) TRUCK DRIVER: - You hear something? GUY IN TRUCK: - Like what? TRUCK DRIVER: Like tiny screaming. GUY IN TRUCK: Turn off the radio. (The antenna starts to lower until it gets to low and sinks into the truck. The water bug flies off and Barry is forced to let go and he is blown away. He luckily lands inside a horn on top of the truck where he finds Mooseblood, who was blown into the same place) MOOSEBLOOD: Whassup, bee boy? BARRY: Hey, Blood. (Fast forward in time and we see that Barry is deep in conversation with Mooseblood. They have been sitting in this truck for a while) BARRY: ...Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD: Wow! BARRY: I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. : I mean, that honey's ours. MOOSEBLOOD: - Bees hang tight. BARRY:

• We're all jammed in. : It's a close community. MOOSEBLOOD: Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. BARRY:
• What if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD:
• You a mosquito, you in trouble. : Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY: At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. MOOSEBLOOD: Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. : Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. (An ambulance passes by and it has a blood donation sign on it) You got to be kidding me! : Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! (Mooseblood leaves and flies onto the window of the ambulance where there are other mosquito's hanging out) :
• Hey, guys! OTHER MOSQUITO:
• Mooseblood!

MOOSEBLOOD: I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? (The truck goes out of view and Barry notices that the truck he's on is pulling into a camp of some sort) TRUCK DRIVER: We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. (Barry flies out) BARRY: What is this place? BEEKEEPER 1#: A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. BEEKEEPER #2: They are pinheads! : Pinhead. : - Check out the new smoker. BEEKEEPER #1: - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. : The Thomas 3000! BARRY: Smoker? BEEKEEPER #1: Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. : A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
BEEKEEPER #2: They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY: "They make the honey, and we make the money"? (The Beekeeper sprays hundreds of cheap miniature apartments with the smoker. The bees are fainting or passing out) Oh, my! : What's going on? Are you OK? (Barry flies into one of the apartment and helps a Bee couple get off the ground. They are coughing and its hard for them to stand) BEE IN APARTMENT: Yeah. It doesn't last too long. BARRY: Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? BEE IN APPARTMENT: Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. (The apartment room is completely empty except for a photo on the wall of the "queen" who is obviously a man in women's clothes) BARRY: This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! : That's a drag queen! : What is this? (Barry flies out and he discovers that there are hundreds of these structures, each housing thousands of Bees) Oh, no! : There's hundreds of them! (Barry takes out his camera and takes pictures of these Bee work camps. The beekeepers look very evil in these depictions)
Bee honey. : Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! : This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. (Flash forward in time and Barry is showing these pictures to his parents) JANET: Oh, Barry, stop. MARTIN: Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. BARRY: Do these look like rumors? (Holds up the pictures) UNCLE CARL: That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET: How did you get mixed up in this? ADAM: He's been talking to humans. JANET: - What? MARTIN: - Talking to humans?! ADAM: He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! JANET: Make out? Barry!
BARRY: We do not. ADAM: - You wish you could. MARTIN: - Whose side are you on? BARRY: The bees! UNCLE CARL: (He has been sitting in the back of the room this entire time) I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. JANET: Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY: I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! : Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked : your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. JANET: I remember that. BARRY: What right do they have to our honey? : We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
ADAM: Even if it's true, what can one bee do? BARRY: Sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN: In the face! The eye! : - That would hurt. BARRY: - No. MARTIN: Up the nose? That's a killer. BARRY: There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. (Flash forward a bit in time and we are watching the Bee News) BEE NEWS NARRATOR: Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. BEE PROTESTOR: No more bee beards! BEE NEWS NARRATOR: With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. : Weather with Storm Stinger. : Sports with Buzz Larvi. : And Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG:

• And I'm Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, : intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, : packaging it and profiting from it illegally! JEANETTE CHUNG: Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, : we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, : Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. (The scene changes to an interview on the news with Bee version of Larry King and Barry) BEE LARRY KING: Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. : Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? BARRY: Bees have never been afraid to change the world. : What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? BEE LARRY KING: Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
  : We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. BARRY: How old are you? BEE LARRY KING: The bee community is supporting you in this case, : which will be the trial of the bee century. BARRY: You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. BEE LARRY KING: It's a common name. Next week... BARRY: He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... BEE LARRY KING: Next week... BARRY: Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. BEE LARRY KING: Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here, live. (Bee Larry King gets annoyed and flies away offscreen) BARRY: Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. (Flash forward in time. We see Vanessa enter and Ken enters behind her. They are arguing)
  

KEN: In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! VANESSA: It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. KEN== Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? BARRY: (To Ken) Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. KEN: (Pointing at Barry) - Is that that same bee? VANESSA: - Yes, it is! : I'm helping him sue the human race. BARRY: - Hello. KEN: - Hello, bee. VANESSA: This is Ken. BARRY: (Recalling the "Winter Boots" incident earlier) Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. KEN: (To Vanessa) Why does he talk again? VANESSA:
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. KEN: But it's our yogurt night! VANESSA: (Holding door open for Ken) Bye-bye. KEN: (Yelling) Why is yogurt night so difficult?! (Ken leaves and Vanessa walks over to Barry. His workplace is a mess) VANESSA: You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! BARRY: Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ADAM: - Frosting... - How many sugars? ==BARRY== Just one. I try not to use the competition. : So why are you helping me? VANESSA: Bees have good qualities. : And it takes my mind off the shop. : Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY:
Those are great, if you're three. VANESSA: And artificial flowers. BARRY: - Oh, those just get me psychotic! VANESSA: - Yeah, me too. : BARRY: Bent stingers, pointless pollination. ADAM: Bees must hate those fake things! : Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. : Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. VANESSA: - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. BARRY: - I guess. ADAM: You sure you want to go through with it? BARRY: Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able : to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! (Flash forward in time and we are watching the human news. The camera shows
a crowd outside a courthouse) NEWS REPORTER: It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, : where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, : we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. (We are no longer watching through a news camera) ADAM: What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY: It's pretty big, isn't it? ADAM== (Looking at the hundreds of people around the courthouse) I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. BARRY: You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? SECURITY GUARD: Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. (A limousine drives up and a fat man,Layton Montgomery, a honey industry owner gets out and walks past Barry) ADAM: - What's the matter? BARRY: - I don't know, I just got a chill. (Fast forward in time and everyone is in the court) MONTGOMERY: Well, if it isn't the bee team.
(To Honey Industry lawyers) You boys work on this? MAN: All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE BUMBLETON: All right. Case number 4475, : Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry : is now in session. : Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? MONTGOMERY: A privilege. JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? (Everyone looks closely, they are waiting to see if a Bee can really talk) (Barry makes several buzzing sounds to sound like a Bee) BARRY: I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. JUDGE BUMBLBETON: Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. MONTGOMERY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, : my grandmother was a simple woman. :
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right : to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. : If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, : just think of what would it mean. : I would have to negotiate with the silkworm : for the elastic in my britches! : Talking bee! (Montgomery walks over and looks closely at Barry) : How do we know this isn't some sort of : holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? : They could be using laser beams! : Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, : he could be on steroids! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson?
BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. : I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. : It's important to all bees. We invented it! : We make it. And we protect it with our lives. : Unfortunately, there are some people in this room : who think they can take it from us : 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, : you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have : but everything we are! JANET== (To Martin) I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Call your first witness. BARRY: So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have. KLAUSS VANDERHAYDEN: I suppose so. BARRY: I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! KLAUSS: Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY: Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. : I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? KLAUSS: (Quietly) - No. BARRY: - I couldn't hear you. KLAUSS: - No. BARRY: - No. : Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, : it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. KLAUSS: They're very lovable creatures.
: Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. BARRY: You mean like this? (The bear from Over The Hedge barges in through the back door and it is roaring and standing on its hind legs. It is thrashing its claws and people are screaming. It is being held back by a guard who has the bear on a chain) : (Pointing to the roaring bear) Bears kill bees! : How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! : Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! JUDGE BUMBLETON: OK, that's enough. Take him away. (The bear stops roaring and thrashing and walks out) BARRY: So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. : - Where have I heard it before? MR. STING: - I was with a band called The Police. BARRY: But you've never been a police officer, have you? STING: No, I haven't. BARRY:
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example : of bee culture casually stolen by a human : for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING: Oh, please. BARRY: Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? : Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. : Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! MONTGOMERY: That's not his real name?! You idiots! BARRY: Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on : your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. RAY LIOTTA: Thank you. Thank you. BARRY: I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome : with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow. RAY LIOTTA: I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? BARRY: Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? : Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't : have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? RAY LIOTTA: Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! BARRY: This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! (Ray Liotta looses it and tries to grab Barry) RAY LIOTTA: Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! JUDGE BUMBLETON: - Order in this court! RAY LIOTTA: - You're all thinking it! (Judge Bumbleton starts banging her gavel) JUDGE BUMBLETON: Order! Order, I say! RAY LIOTTA: - Say it! MAN:

• Mr. Liotta, please sit down! (We see a montage of magazines which feature the court case) (Flash forward in time and Barry is back home with Vanessa) BARRY: I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. VANESSA: I think the jury's on our side. BARRY: Are we doing everything right,you know, legally? VANESSA: I'm a florist. BARRY: Right. Well, here's to a great team. VANESSA: To a great team! (Ken walks in from work. He sees Barry and he looks upset when he sees Barry clinking his glass with Vanessa) KEN: Well, hello. VANESSA:
• Oh, Ken! BARRY:
• Hello! VANESSA: I didn't think you were coming. : No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... (Ken holds up his phone and flips it open. The phone has no charge) ...the battery... VANESSA:

I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. KEN: Oh, that was lucky. (Ken sits down at the table across from Barry and Vanessa leaves the room) VANESSA: There's a little left. I could heat it up. KEN: (Not taking his eyes off Barry) Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. BARRY: So I hear you're quite a tennis player. : I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. KEN: That's where I usually sit. Right... (Points to where Barry is sitting) there. VANESSA: (Calling from other room) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, : and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. KEN: (To Barry) You think I don't see what you're doing? BARRY: I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common.
KEN: Do we? BARRY: Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN: (Menacingly) That's just what I was thinking about doing. (Ken reaches for a fork on the table but knocks if on the floor. He goes to pick it up) VANESSA: Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. (Ken quickly rises back up after hearing this but hits his head on the table and yells) BARRY: I'm going to drain the old stinger. KEN: Yeah, you do that. (Barry flies past Ken to get to the bathroom and Ken freaks out, splashing some of the wine he was using to cool his head in his eyes. He yells in anger) (Barry looks at the magazines featuring his victories in court) BARRY: Look at that. (Barry flies into the bathroom) (He puts his hand on his head but this makes hurts him and makes him even madder. He yells again) (Barry is washing his hands in the sink but then Ken walks in) KEN: You know, you know I've just about had it (Closes bathroom door behind him) with your little mind games. (Ken is menacingly rolling up a magazine) BARRY:
(Backing away) - What's that? KEN: - Italian Vogue. BARRY: Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. KEN: It's a lot of ads. BARRY: Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? KEN: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (Ken smashes everything off the sink with the magazine and Barry narrowly escapes) (Ken follows Barry around and tries to hit him with the magazine but he keeps missing) (Ken gets a spray bottle) : I think something stinks in here! BARRY: (Enjoying the spray) I love the smell of flowers. (Ken holds a lighter in front of the spray bottle) KEN: How do you like the smell of flames?! BARRY: Not as much. (Ken fires his make-shift flamethrower but misses Barry, burning the bathroom. He torches the whole room but looses his footing and falls into the bathtub. After getting hit in the head by falling objects 3 times he picks up the shower head, revealing a Water bug hiding under it) WATER BUG: Water bug! Not taking sides!
(Barry gets up out of a pile of bathroom supplies and he is wearing a chapstick hat) BARRY: Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken switches the shower head to lethal) KEN: I've got issues! (Ken sprays Barry with the shower head and he crash lands into the toilet) (Ken menacingly looks down into the toilet at Barry) Well, well, well, a royal flush! BARRY: - You're bluffing. KEN: - Am I? (flushes toilet) (Barry grabs a chapstick from the toilet seat and uses it to surf in the flushing toilet) BARRY: Surf's up, dude! (Barry flies out of the toilet on the chapstick and sprays Ken's face with the toilet water) : EW,Poo water! BARRY: That bowl is gnarly. KEN: (Aiming a toilet cleaner at Barry) Except for those dirty yellow rings! (Barry cowers and covers his head and Vanessa runs in and takes the toilet cleaner from Ken just before he hits Barry) VANESSA: Kenneth! What are you doing?! KEN== (Leaning towards Barry)
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! VANESSA: We need to talk! (Vanessa pulls Ken out of the bathroom) : He's just a little bee! : And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! KEN: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! KEN: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... : My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! VANESSA: Goodbye, Ken. (Ken huffs and walks out and slams the door. But suddenly he walks back in and stares at Barry) : And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN! (Ken leaves again and Vanessa leans in towards Barry) VANESSA: I'm sorry about all that. (Ken walks back in again)
KEN: I know it's got an aftertaste! I LIKE IT! (Ken leaves for the last time) VANESSA: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. : I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. : Are you OK for the trial? BARRY: I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Flash forward in time and Barry, Adam, and Vanessa are back in court) MONTGOMERY-- We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM: Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... (Barry stares at Adam) ...Yeah. LAWYER: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. MONTGOMERY: Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around : is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (To lawyer)

• You got the tweezers? LAWYER:
• Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY: Only to losing, son. Only to losing. : Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. : What exactly is your relationship (Points to Vanessa) : to that woman? BARRY: We're friends. MONTGOMERY:
• Good friends? BARRY:
• Yes. MONTGOMERY: How good? Do you live together? ADAM: Wait a minute... : MONTGOMERY: Are you her little... : ...bedbug? (Adam's stinger starts vibrating. He is agitated) I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,
  : doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? BARRY:
  
• Yeah, but... MONTGOMERY: (Pointing at Janet and Martin)
  
• So those aren't your real parents! JANET:
  
• Oh, Barry... BARRY:
  
• Yes, they are! ADAM: Hold me back! (Vanessa tries to hold Adam back. He wants to sting Montgomery) MONTGOMERY: You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? ADAM: He's denouncing bees! MONTGOMERY: Don't y'all date your cousins? (Montgomery leans over on the jury stand and stares at Adam) VANESSA:
  
• Objection! (Vanessa raises her hand to object but Adam gets free. He flies straight at Montgomery) =ADAM:
  
• I'm going to pincushion this guy! BARRY: Adam, don't! It's what he wants! (Adam stings Montgomery in the butt and he starts thrashing around)
  

MONTGOMERY: Oh, I'm hit!! : Oh, lordy, I am hit! JUDGE BUMBLETON: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting) The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! : I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! : You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! : Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! BARRY: - Adam, stay with me. ADAM: - I can't feel my legs. MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting and throwing his body around the room) What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison : from my heaving buttocks? JUDGE BUMLBETON: I will have order in this court. Order!
: Order, please! (Flash forward in time and we see a human news reporter) NEWS REPORTER: The case of the honeybees versus the human race : took a pointed turn against the bees : yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. (Adam is laying in a hospital bed and Barry flies in to see him) BARRY: - Hey, buddy. ADAM: - Hey. BARRY: - Is there much pain? ADAM: - Yeah. : I... : I blew the whole case, didn't I? BARRY: It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. ADAM: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (A small plastic sword is replaced as Adam's stinger) They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
: Look, there's a little celery still on it. (Flicks off the celery and sighs) BARRY: What was it like to sting someone? ADAM: I can't explain it. It was all... : All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! BARRY: ...All right. ADAM: You think it was all a trap? BARRY: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. : What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM: What will the humans do to us if they win? BARRY: I don't know. ADAM: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. BARRY: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
ADAM: Oh, my. (Coughs) Could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY: - Why? ADAM: - The smoke. (We can see that two humans are smoking cigarettes outside) : Bees don't smoke. BARRY: Right. Bees don't smoke. : Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. : That's it! That's our case! ADAM: It is? It's not over? BARRY: Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. : Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. (Flash forward in time and Adam is making a paper boat in the courtroom) ADAM: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub! (We see that the jury have each made their own paper boats after being taught how by Adam. They all look confused) JUDGE BUMBLETON:
Mr. Flayman. ADAM: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Where is the rest of your team? ADAM: (Continues stalling) Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. : Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, : and as a result, we don't make very good time. : I actually heard a funny story about... MONTGOMERY: Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs : taken up enough of this court's valuable time? : How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? : They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges : against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. : I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going : to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. ADAM: But you can't! We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? : Show me the smoking gun! BARRY: (Barry flies in through the door) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? : Here is your smoking gun. (Vanessa walks in holding a bee smoker. She sets it down on the Judge's podium) JUDGE BUMBLETON: What is that? BARRY: It's a bee smoker! MONTGOMERY: (Picks up smoker) What, this? This harmless little contraption? : This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. (Montgomery accidentally fires it at the bees in the crowd and they faint
and cough) (Dozens of reporters start taking pictures of the suffering bees) BARRY: Look at what has happened : to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" : Is this what nature intended for us? : To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines : and man-made wooden slat work camps? : Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? (Barry points to the honey industry owners. One of them is an African American so he awkwardly separates himself from the others) LAWYER: - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! ADAM AND VANESSA: Free the bees! Free the bees! BEES IN CROWD: Free the bees! HUMAN JURY: Free the bees! Free the bees! JUDGE BUMBLETON: The court finds in favor of the bees!
BARRY: Vanessa, we won! VANESSA: I knew you could do it! High-five! (Vanessa hits Barry hard because her hand is too big) : Sorry. BARRY: (Overjoyed) I'm OK! You know what this means? : All the honey will finally belong to the bees. : Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. MONTGOMERY: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. : You'll regret this. (Montgomery leaves and Barry goes outside the courtroom. Several reporters start asking Barry questions) REPORTER 1#: Barry, how much honey is out there? BARRY: All right. One at a time. REPORTER 2#: Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
(Barry flies outside with the paparazzi and Adam and Vanessa stay back) ADAM: (To Vanessa) - What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: - What do you mean? ADAM: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to a man) BUSINESS MAN: Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? BARRY: First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. (As Barry is talking we see a montage of men putting "closed" tape over the work camps and freeing the bees in the crappy apartments) Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, : every last drop. (Men in suits are pushing all the honey of the aisle and into carts) We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more (We see a statue of a bear-shaped honey container being pulled down by bees) than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. : We're all aware of what they do in the woods. (We see Winnie the Pooh sharing his honey with Piglet in the cross-hairs of a high-tech sniper rifle) BARRY: (Looking through binoculars)
Wait for my signal. : Take him out. (Winnie gets hit by a tranquilizer dart and dramatically falls off the log he was standing on, his tongue hanging out. Piglet looks at Pooh in fear and the Sniper takes the honey.) SNIPER: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. (Flash forward in time) BARRY: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... (Mr. Sting is sitting at home until he is taken out of his house by the men in suits) STING: But it's just a prance-about stage name! BARRY: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products : and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. (An old lady is mixing honey into her tea but suddenly men in suits smash her face down on the table and take the honey) OLD LADY: Can't breathe. (A honey truck pulls up to Barry's hive) WORKER: Bring it in, boys! : Hold it right there! Good. : Tap it.
(Tons of honey is being pumped into the hive's storage) BEE WORKER 1#: (Honey overflows from the cup) Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! : - I think we need to shut down! =BEE WORKER #2= - Shut down? We've never shut down. : Shut down honey production! DEAN BUZZWELL: Stop making honey! (The bees all leave their stations. Two bees run into a room and they put the keys into a machine) Turn your key, sir! (Two worker bees dramatically turn their keys, which opens the button which they press, shutting down the honey-making machines. This is the first time this has ever happened) BEE: ...What do we do now? (Flash forward in time and a Bee is about to jump into a pool full of honey) Cannonball! (The bee gets stuck in the honey and we get a short montage of Bees leaving work) (We see the Pollen Jocks flying but one of them gets a call on his antenna) LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") We're shutting honey production! : Mission abort. POLLEN JOCK #1: Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. (The Pollen Jocks fly back to the hive)
(We get a time lapse of Central Park slowly wilting away as the bees all relax) BARRY: Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. ADAM: Oh, yeah? BARRY: What's going on? Where is everybody? (The entire street is deserted) : - Are they out celebrating? ADAM: - They're home. : They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. : I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY: At least we got our honey back. ADAM: Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? : It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. : This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. :
And now... : Now I can't. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to Vanessa) BARRY: I don't understand why they're not happy. : I thought their lives would be better! : They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. VANESSA: You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? BARRY: - What did you want to show me? (Vanessa takes Barry to the rooftop where they first had coffee and points to her store) VANESSA: - This. (Points at her flowers. They are all grey and wilting) BARRY: What happened here? VANESSA: That is not the half of it. (Small flash forward in time and Vanessa and Barry are on the roof of her store and she points to Central Park) (We see that Central Park is no longer green and colorful, rather it is grey, brown, and dead-like. It is very depressing to look at) BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, my. :
They're all wilting. VANESSA: Doesn't look very good, does it? BARRY: No. VANESSA: And whose fault do you think that is? BARRY: You know, I'm gonna guess bees. VANESSA== (Staring at Barry) Bees? BARRY: Specifically, me. : I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. VANESSA: It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. BARRY: That's our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA: Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. : And then, of course... BARRY: The human species? : So if there's no more pollination,
: it could all just go south here, couldn't it? VANESSA: I know this is also partly my fault. BARRY: How about a suicide pact? VANESSA: How do we do it? BARRY: - I'll sting you, you step on me. VANESSA: - That just kills you twice. BARRY: Right, right. VANESSA: Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. (Vanessa leaves) BARRY: (To himself) I had to open my mouth and talk. : Vanessa? : Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? (Vanessa is getting into a taxi) VANESSA: To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. :
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. : It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. BARRY: Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA: I know. Me neither. (The taxi starts to drive away) BARRY: Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. : Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? : Roses! : Vanessa! (Barry flies after the Taxi) VANESSA: Roses?! : Barry? (Barry is flying outside the window of the taxi) BARRY: - Roses are flowers! VANESSA: - Yes, they are. BARRY: Flowers, bees, pollen!
VANESSA: I know. That's why this is the last parade. BARRY: Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA: Could you slow down? (The taxi driver screeches to a stop and Barry keeps flying forward) : Barry! (Barry flies back to the window) BARRY: OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. VANESSA: Yes, it kind of is. BARRY: I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you : with the flower shop. I've made it worse. VANESSA: Actually, it's completely closed down. BARRY: I thought maybe you were remodeling. : But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. VANESSA: I don't want to hear it!
BARRY: All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. : I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. : All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. : - Bees. VANESSA: - Park. BARRY: - Pollen! VANESSA: - Flowers. BARRY: - Re-pollination! VANESSA: - Across the nation! : Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. : They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. : Security will be tight. BARRY: I have an idea.
(Flash forward in time. Vanessa is about to board a plane which has all the Roses on board. VANESSA: Vanessa Bloome, FTD. (Holds out badge) : Official floral business. It's real. SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. =VANESSA== Thank you. It was a gift. (Barry is revealed to be hiding inside the brooch) (Flash back in time and Barry and Vanessa are discussing their plan) BARRY: Once inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA: How about The Princess and the Pea? : I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! BARRY: Yes, I got it. : - Where should I sit? GUARD: - What are you? BARRY: - I believe I'm the pea. GUARD: - The pea? VANESSA:
It goes under the mattresses. GUARD: - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. VANESSA: You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! : Let's see what this baby'll do. (Vanessa drives the float through traffic) GUARD: Hey, what are you doing?! BARRY== Then all we do is blend in with traffic... : ...without arousing suspicion. : Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are about to get on a plane) SECURITY GUARD: Stop! Security. : - You and your insect pack your float? VANESSA: - Yes. SECURITY GUARD: Has it been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA: - Yes.
SECURITY GUARD: Would you remove your shoes? (To Barry) - Remove your stinger. BARRY: - It's part of me. SECURITY GUARD: I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. (Barry plotting with Vanessa) BARRY: Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are flying on the plane) Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! VANESSA: I think this is gonna work. BARRY: It's got to work. CAPTAIN SCOTT: (On intercom) Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. : We have a bit of bad weather in New York. : It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. VANESSA: Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. BARRY:
I gotta get up there and talk to them. VANESSA== Be careful. (Barry flies right outside the cockpit door) BARRY: Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. (The flight attendant opens the door and walks out and Barry flies into the cockpit unseen) BARRY: Captain, I'm in a real situation. CAPTAIN SCOTT: - What'd you say, Hal? CO-PILOT HAL: - Nothing. (Scott notices Barry and freaks out) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Bee! BARRY: No,no,no, Don't freak out! My entire species... (Captain Scott gets out of his seat and tries to suck Barry into a handheld vacuum) HAL: (To Scott) What are you doing? (Barry lands on Hals hair but Scott sees him. He tries to suck up Barry but instead he sucks up Hals toupee) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Uh-oh. BARRY: - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
HAL: (Hal doesn't know Barry is on his head) - Who's an attorney? CAPTAIN SCOTT: Don't move. (Scott hits Hal in the face with the vacuum in an attempt to hit Barry. Hal is knocked out and he falls on the life raft button which launches an infalatable boat into Scott, who gets knocked out and falls to the floor. They are both uncounscious.) BARRY: (To himself) Oh, Barry. BARRY: (On intercom, with a Southern accent) Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. : Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? (Vanessa looks confused) (Normal accent) ...And please hurry! (Vanessa opens the door and sees the life raft and the uncounscious pilots) VANESSA: What happened here? BARRY: I tried to talk to them, but then there was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. : Now one's bald, one's in a boat, and they're both unconscious! VANESSA: ...Is that another bee joke? BARRY:

• No! : No one's flying the plane! BUD DITCHWATER: (Through radio on plane) This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? VANESSA: This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. BUD: Where's the pilot? VANESSA: He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. BUD: Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? BARRY: As a matter of fact, there is. BUD:
• Who's that? BARRY:
• Barry Benson. BUD: From the honey trial?! Oh, great. BARRY: Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. : It's got giant wings, huge engines.

VANESSA: I can't fly a plane. BARRY: - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA: - Yes. BARRY: How hard could it be? (Vanessa sits down and flies for a little bit but we see lightning clouds outside the window) VANESSA: Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. (An ominous lightning storm looms in front of the plane) (We are now watching the Bee News) BOB BUMBLE: This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, : where a suspenseful scene is developing. : Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... ADAM: That's Barry! BOB BUMBLE: ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers : and an incapacitated flight crew. JANET, MARTIN, UNCLE CAR AND ADAM: Flowers?! (The scene switches to the human news)
REPORTER: (Talking with Bob Bumble) We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls : with absolutely no flight experience. BOB BUMBLE: Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. BUD: I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. : They've done enough damage. REPORTER: But isn't he your only hope? BUD: Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. : Their wings are too small... BARRY: (Through radio) Haven't we heard this a million times? : "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."... BOB BUMBLE: - Get this on the air! BEE: - Got it.
BEE NEWS CREW: - Stand by. BEE NEWS CREW: - We're going live! BARRY: (Through radio on TV) ...The way we work may be a mystery to you. : Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. : But let me tell you about a small job. : If you do it well, it makes a big difference. : More than we realized. To us, to everyone. : That's why I want to get bees back to working together. : That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. : We get behind a fellow. : - Black and yellow! BEES: - Hello! (The scene switches and Barry is teaching Vanessa how to fly) BARRY:
Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA: - Hover? BARRY: - Forget hover. VANESSA: This isn't so hard. (Pretending to honk the horn) Beep-beep! Beep-beep! (A Lightning bolt hits the plane and autopilot turns off) Barry, what happened?! BARRY: Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. VANESSA: - That may have been helping me. BARRY: - And now we're not! VANESSA: So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. (The plane plummets but we see Lou Lu Duva and the Pollen Jocks, along with multiple other bees flying towards the plane) Lou Lu DUva: All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! : Move out! (The scene switches back to Vanessa and Barry in the plane) BARRY: Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! (Barry sticks out his arms like an airplane and flys in front of Vanessa's face)
VANESSA: Don't have to yell. BARRY: I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. VANESSA: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! BARRY: It's not a tone. I'm panicking! VANESSA: I can't do this! (Barry slaps Vanessa) BARRY: Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! VANESSA: (Slaps Barry) You snap out of it. BARRY: (Slaps Vanessa) : You snap out of it. VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! (We see that all the Pollen Jocks are flying under the plane) VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it!
VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! VANESSA: - Hold it! BARRY: - Why? Come on, it's my turn. VANESSA: How is the plane flying? (The plane is now safely flying) VANESSA: I don't know. (Barry's antennae rings like a phone. Barry picks up) BARRY: Hello? LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? (All of the Pollen Jocks are carrying the plane) BARRY: The Pollen Jocks! : They do get behind a fellow. LOU LU DUVA: - Black and yellow. POLLEN JOCKS: - Hello. LOU LU DUVA: All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop. BARRY: Where? I can't see anything. Can you? VANESSA: No, nothing. It's all cloudy. : Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. BARRY: - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. (On the runway there are millions of bees laying on their backs) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. VANESSA: - What? BARRY: - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. : Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. : Bring the nose down. BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! CONTROL TOWER OPERATOR: - What in the world is on the tarmac? BUD: - Get some lights on that!
(It is revealed that all the bees are organized into a giant pulsating flower formation) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: - Vanessa, aim for the flower. VANESSA: - OK. BARRY: Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? LOU LU DUVA: Affirmative! BARRY: Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. : Land on that flower! : Ready? Full reverse! : Spin it around! (The plane's nose is pointed at a flower painted on a nearby plane) - Not that flower! The other one! VANESSA: - Which one? BARRY: - That flower. (The plane is now pointed at a fat guy in a flowered shirt. He freaks out and tries to take a picture of the plane) VANESSA: - I'm aiming at the flower!
BARRY: That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! (The plane hovers over the bee-flower) : Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. : Rotate around it. VANESSA: - This is insane, Barry! BARRY: - This's the only way I know how to fly. BUD: Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? (The plane is unrealistically hovering and spinning over the bee-flower) BARRY: Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! : Just drop it. Be a part of it. : Aim for the center! : Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! : Come on, already. (The bees scatter and the plane safely lands) VANESSA: Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
BARRY: - Yes! (Vanessa is about to high-five Barry) No high-five! VANESSA: - Right. ADAM: Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? BARRY: What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! ADAM: - Thank you. BARRY: - But we're not done yet. : Listen, everyone! : This runway is covered with the last pollen : from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. : That means this is our last chance. : We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. : If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
: Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? BEES: We're bees! BEE WHO LIKES KEYCHAINS: Keychain! BARRY: Then follow me! Except Keychain. POLLEN JOCK #1: Hold on, Barry. Here. : You've earned this. BARRY: Yeah! : I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. (The Pollen Jocks throw Barry a nectar-collecting gun. Barry catches it) Oh, yeah. JANET: That's our Barry. (Barry and the Pollen Jocks get pollen from the flowers on the plane) (Flash forward in time and the Pollen Jocks are flying over NYC) : (Barry pollinates the flowers in Vanessa's shop and then heads to Central Park) BOY IN PARK: Mom! The bees are back! ADAM: (Putting on his Krelman hat) If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time. : I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! (The bee honey factories are back up and running) (Meanwhile at Vanessa's shop) VANESSA: (To customer) Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? : Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. (There is a room in the shop where Barry does legal work for other animals. He is currently talking with a Cow) COW: Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! : Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! BARRY: I had no idea. VANESSA: Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? BARRY: Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. MOOSEBLOOD: Sorry I'm late. COW: He's a lawyer too?
MOOSEBLOOD: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. VANESSA: Have a great afternoon! : Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. BARRY: No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. VANESSA: You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? BARRY: All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. VANESSA: Thank you, Barry! (Ken walks by on the sidewalk and sees the "bee-approved honey" in Vanessa's shop) KEN: That bee is living my life!! ANDY: Let it go, Kenny. KEN: - When will this nightmare end?! ANDY: - Let it all go. BARRY: - Beautiful day to fly. POLLEN JOCK:

• Sure is. BARRY: Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. (Barry recreates the scene near the beginning of the movie where he flies through the box kite. The movie fades to black and the credits being) [--after credits; No scene can be seen but the characters can be heard talking over the credits--] You have got to start thinking bee, my friend! :
• Thinking bee!
• Me? BARRY: (Talking over singer) Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. : I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? SINGER: Oh, BarryBARRY: I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! SINGER: All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. BARRY: I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Warning spoilers and The Wall of text below, are you patient enough to read them, are you punk
Clocked in 113 hours, took my time with it, see what the hype is about and saw the credits. Completed at least 80% of its content, done most questlines, all areas cleared defeated Malenia and majority of the bosses and dungeons. The game slowly degrading of quality as I progress further into the game. Early game 1/3 is great, midgame 2/3 is decent to okay and the endgame 3/3 is awful. I'm poking at the hornet's nest, a fromsoftware one at that, it's gaming darling, I'll be stunk by a fuck ton of downvotes, disagreements and demeaning and of course I understand I'm in a minority, but please understand the concept of personal opinion and decency. Here's my opinion, critique and kinda rant of this whole rough shebang.
Combat is decent but got stale due to slog progression, and its systems, rules and mechanics are mediocrely compatible between the player and enemies. First the player mechanics are stuck on same foundation style since demon souls, kinda superior and inferior dark souls 3 combat system, I have reasons for it though. On the good side, they overhaul the improvement of weapon arts with the ashes of war, it's awesome and fun and can place a wide variety ash of wars onto any weapon, depending on the type outside unique weapons. A slight improvement on range magic system on allowing you cast spells while moving and improving the casting animation on using the same spell consecutively and continously without starting over again, feels better and more competent on using magic. On the bad side the input delay and buffering is worse than dark souls 3. I know that issue is in other fromsoft games but this game makes it worse by making it feeling more laggy and clunky and makes the combat kinda frustrating though I do get used to it at a point, some deaths are contributed by it constantly due to the input buffering. Build and weapon variety though impressive on paper, majority of them are useless, low damage thresholds and reskins that only a handful are actually useful.
Second is the enemies. The enemies are sekiro bloodborne-like, bottomless stamina, fast moving, having one shot/big damage attack in their moveset and multi hitting combos with delay attacks, laced with bullshit input reading. For context, my playstyle is the uchigatana and greatsword mainly quality bulid with a bit of magic converted to dex/bleed build for late game, majority of the game I avoid using summoning ashes; the times I ever used it was for the two cat statue boss(fucking assholes lol), Commander Niall(castle Sol), second phase of troll giant, and the final boss; radagon and elden beast(radagon would be decent if they were separated but together is just plain nonsense and tedious with each having their own bullshit to deal with especially majority of it from elden beast) For majority of the bosses either wait and dodgeroll till their ten hit combo is done to get a hit or two(especially for quick weapon like a katana) in safely(one of the many examples: Maliketh/Malenia) or spam reliable boring spells or L2-ing ash of War or summon spirit ash to take agro of you and stab at their backs (example: Troll giant/elden beast). Horse combat and mechanics half-assed, not much to say other than mostly there for moving and traversing abit faster on the world, though horse movement is clunky, height damage is inconstant and wonky and swallow depth in combat mechanics and it gets boring rather quickly, dexterity stat factor of not getting knocked off your horse does not work still to this day but overall gets its job done I guess.
Mediocre boss design, their like spectacles, looks awesome but bad interacting with them. Mid soundtrack imo, hate the open world ambient music, unmemorable boss music even the main bosses, only few that I can remember is godskin noble ost and radagon. Shit rewards system, most likely getting an item you'll not use, common ingredient disguised as rare loot, finding weapons sounds good till you know smiting stones are limited and rare until only late endgame you'll find enough bell bearings to buy smithing stones from them. Due to punishing leveling progression of stats and decentivising weapon variety only having enough two or maybe 3 normal weapons upgraded to 25+ if you're through and done certain quests committing to 2 skills or weapons far more practical.
Bloated open world, too big for it's own good, Wasting your time, copy pasted repetitive dungeons and caves and camps, end game is full of damage sponges and have high damage to even the pathetic small can kill you fast and takes awhile to kill. Shit quest design that only barely fits in their linear games not for open world and you'll miss majority of the content without using wiki due to most npcs being vague and cryptic for the sake of it, some leaving not giving clue to where they are, here's one of the many examples Millicent. Millicent’s quest is and the annoying need to “reload” areas sometimes to progress or get loot.
Here's a good example that I thought was just remarkably stupid, is having to kill the ulcerated tree spirit and for some reason that spawns a pair of summon signs for Millicent. First of all, I have no idea what a random ulcerated tree sprit has to do with her, and I just skipped past it since there is no value in killing this enemy for like the 12th time. Even after defeating it, it’s actually pretty easy to not notice the summon signs on the ground since they are off to the side in some flowers. In an area you really have zero reason to walk to. Then, if you assist Millicent she spawns nearby, and you cannot get the unalloyed gold needle from her unless you “reload the area", wtf? There are so many scenarios in this game where loot or quest progression requires you to literally reload the area by resting at a site of grace or closing and reopening the game… why? It’s insanely stupid. It’s archaic and extremely illogical. Millicent can just give you the needle or die on the spot and drop the needle. Just like Hyetta does after you get the frenzied flame and talk to her…. Quitting and reloading the game to reload an area is not a game mechanic, so certainly they expect you to leave and come back after resting at a site of grace…. Why? How does it make any sense? Honestly it just doesn’t. There’s no denying that the FromSoft quest system is super antiquated and frankly sucks.
Storytelling is bad, it's usually okay to even decent(especially for sekiro) from fromsoftware and thought the inclusion of George R. R. Martin and new ip would explore the more direct cohesive story (in the way of sekiro) but it's worse on this one.
At least in previous games it's less prominent and you can ignore it and continue till the end of the game and understood what you need to do and the game doesn't push story in your face and kept it simple, for instance Dark Souls 1, you are chosen undead, defeat the lords and gwyn to Kindle the first flame in order to keep it from dying. For Elden Ring you are tarnished from wherever, came here for some reason to get pieces of elden ring and claim the tltle of Elden Lord for... some reason. They don't motivate you the reason why you need to do it, why should you care about a world that's trying to kill you for some reason? Oh it's orders from godrick to kill tarnished but you see no one is chasing the elden ring except you and ofir but he's just mostly there at the roundtable not doing anything till the end and majority of npcs are just doing their own thing except looking for the elden ring and putting exposition in long boss cutscenes and the game is assuming you know the context but you most likely don't. Lore and storytelling are two different things, don't assume it's good lore just because you're watching vaati or whoever telling his interpretation of what's happening (not definite canon) of lore from reading the descriptions on items to tell the story and a crucial part information is randomly on a rock just to understand what the fuck is about, means it's a good story, don't kid yourself, it's not.
Elden ring is like a worse ubisoft open world game with little quality of life features and external quest log and instruction manual via wiki, reddit and youtube; off brand game of thrones/lord of the rings-like with dark souls skin on. It's a decent game, I kinda like it but it's way overrated and definitely not revolutionary in the slightest, telling people it's organic life changing and not generic, thinking elden ring is Fibonacci-like perfect game and formula in gaming and shitting on ubisoft and other Studios and their fans for making and enjoying the "same generic games" meanwhile pretenting they've not been suckered into playing the same game since demon souls for a decade is hilarious, literally for all modern fromsoftware games is very formulaic and with the same generic premise: you are x, in a dying world, your duty is x and defeat x to claim/reclaim x. It's hypocrital except to weebs, conformist gamers and the notorious zealous egotistical fromchud fanboys feeling superior and looking down to others, as long as the ubisoft brand is not there they'll defend the ubisoft-like aspects pretending it's "different".
But on a positive note I like majority of legacy dungeons except lake of rot Mohgwyn Palace and my favorites is leyndell and Raya lucaria, love the world visual design and kinda enjoyed the sense of exploring its vast tho bloated world and some bosses like Godfrey the aoe lord is one of my favorites and Elemer Of The Briar is interesting though a bit bullshit but is cool nevertheless and caves are cool as well.
In conclusion elden ring is not a bad game, 6/10 is actually decent, I'm not American, I actually use the entire 1-10 score system properly where 5 is just bang average not 7 or 8 in fact I rarely rate an 8 and above and have yet to find 9 let alone a 10 maybe one day, hopefully soon. One my favorite games on my list is a 6.5/10 is fallout 4 and watch dogs 1; and monster hunter freedom unite, farcry 4, Dark Souls 3, assassin's creed odyssey, Sekiro, the nioh and surge games and watch dogs 2 which is a 7/10. Just because I love them and my favorite doesn't mean they need to be 10/10 and masterpieces. The games are flawed, far from perfect but I enjoy and love them despite of it. It's a shame that I think gamers forgot that.

Three companies agree to pay more than $1 billion to settle ‘forever chemical’ claims, was the claim, apropros of which..

​
u/AdClemson said 1 day ago,

This essentially means the Government has fined these companies $1 Billion and has also fined the victims (general public) additional $4 Billions to pay for the damages that was incurred on them by those companies.

...and then u/aitorbk had replied, 1 day ago, quite wisely,

To solve only partly the issue.

As the name implies, it is a forever problem.

I then replied, just now, and,in agreement, Succinctly,

​
...and it's an everywhere problem, which, I dunno, sure makes even the notion of remunerative damages sound a little cheap, not to mention that it's,
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/feb/23/revealed-scale-of-forever-chemical-pollution-across-uk-and-europe
One Dollar Thirty-Four Cents per each European Tainted,

"and that's just the Europeans!"

Not like they're getting the Dollar-thirty-four anyway, and it's not like,

New Rainwater

Can Purchased, like, at all, and it's not like there was much of Great Tragedy, even, it's like finding out that those cheap window-blinds that come default in rental apartments have poisoned the entire air, Yes, But They'd Been Saleable and Inexpensive, and, in that respect, convenient; like, in all seriousness, non-stick pans.
Non-Stick Pans.
Stain Resistant Carpets.
...were these good-carpets, keepers, and the more I read,

Fire-Retardants

The Less that sounds like an irreplaceable duty, the more it sounds like an absolute worst-use case for,

• "____," doesn't burn to exhaustion, and it can't be the environmental concern, if the compounds have a half-life,
• In Exchange for the Permanent Contamination of, "unknown gallons of,"

To claim that it's saved lives would be to claim that there has been no alternative to extinguish the fires we've, ourselves, engineered, in the sense that we're not talking, you know, Volcanoes, we're talking, engineered structures and systems with no reliable backstop in the fire-extinguisher-realm of consideration, I dunno, asbestos might have been a safer means to put those fires out, prolly,

PFAS chemicals are widely used to coat paper and cardboard wrappers for fast food and bakery goods

Shouldn't be, should Never Have Been, what a dumb reason to poison the earth face-first, wet leaves found in the yard would have been a better option to coat paper and cardboard wrappers for fast food and bakery goods, we serve the bakery-goods in boxes sprayed down with automobile transmission fluid because of it's unique properties that keep the cardboard box clean while you drive home from the bakery, good idea, Much better idea insofar as I, alone, Will Swallow the Poison With The Baked Treats, shall not have to grieve for the rainwaters,
...and I'd be more impressed with our umbrellas we have received in return for this Eschatalogical Mortgage of the Earth Itself, except, we had goddamned umbrellas in the 19th Century; I'll be honest:
Waxed Fabric exists, just like Wax on Fabric Works Fine, and Pans had been fine-enough to figure out how to use the whole time we've had both fire and Metallurgy, even the Roman Routine of Wine Mulled in Lead Pots because it fucks you up and tastes funny, honestly, as with the transmission fluid hypothetical, that's fine, relative, these sorts of bargains; and the Romans knew, their doctors wrote about it, people, are, just like that sometimes.
Not usually, this much, for such dumb reasons, as, and I swear it's this:

• Saleable, we can convince people to throw out all of their perfectly, fine, pots and Pans, due to some new sales pitch made available through the miracle of chemistry, likewise,
• I was just at a bunch of High-End Outdoors stores with my brother, Waxed, I think, cotton, Fabric Coats those will cost you a good $650 not because it's that expensive for the wax and the cotton, it's just, those are nice coats; I'd feel the Drama of this situation a little more clearly, if there were some wonderous coats we all had to envy, gosh I wish I ever could have one, and it is a shame they're drenched in an eternal poison, but, Handsome, though, no, it's the cheap ones, which, H&M'ed there way, into the front hall closets for when it's wet I guess
• ughh, I mean, I hear they're used in all manner of products and industries, what I don't hear, and this to Tl;DR, is I don't hear a single thing, of some real value, they've enabled us to have and it's not stain-resistance in Carpets that Don't Have Gold-Spun Tapestries, carpets worth keeping, from the 1300's still exist, I have wood floors, all the houses everywhere around me have 100 year old wood floors, area rugs are nice I guess but jesus fucking christ, man, if it had to be bare wood floors, and just, woven, kinda, those rough rugs I guess maybe that would have been fine I guess jesus Louisus So Stupid; we talk about,

America Needs Mourning, Americans need to deal with the Losses

So Much man, you know, I read this thing, on, OK Doomer, about, Parentism, Parentification, and I keep thinking about it; I know these things, differently, competent parents, very, sick sibling, I know these things and I know what she means and I do recognize that in the broader culture; I think of Simone de Beauvoir's claim that sometimes one must dehumanize the tyranical and that maybe that this, also, is what she means, from a different angle, insofar as it's an implied discursive, rather than material, difference, to do so, and that the difference would be that it removes the pretext of a care which happens, in fact, backwards, removes the face of the false authority; I think of how, incredibly, gerontocratic not merely, the empowerment structures, I guess, but their figureheads, and I wonder to what degree this is for the same reason as the late soviet union, and, also, identical to what she means in, "Parentification," insofar as there is some real limit to what one could even imagine responding, to, a Joe Biden delivering his practiced lines about abstract jobs numbers, no one's job in particular and if in particular an prepared particular and Responding, Joe, I think that we need to Bring Back Mourning Cults of the Late 19th Century I think that We Need to Wear Black Ribbons for our Dead, Joe, I'd say, this, to you, and I just did; but one can't even fantasize of the conversation with our fathers of society, "they're just not, there, enough, to believe that they'd have some real understanding, of, anything so unexpected in response to their, I don't know, and Imagine the same with Giuliani Drunk and Hair Dye Streaking Down His Face, a child in the hands of his victimized personal assistant, herself, without any, whatsoever, power over even her own life, the fuck would it even mean to say, to Guliani, "I think that we should all be wearing black ribbons for our dead people."
Even some of the most wicked young men who have led this country, I could imagine, talking, with in depth and for a long time about this.

Making Methamphetamine at home:
List of chemicals and materials: Diluted HCl - also called Muriatic acid - can be obtained from hardware stores, in the pool section
NaOH - also called lye
Ethyl Ether - aka Diethyl Ether - Et-0-Et - can be obtained from engine starting fluid, usually from a large supermarket. Look for one that says "high ethyl ether content", such as Prestone
Ephedrine The cottons in todays vicks nasle inhalers dont contain efed or pfed (ephedrin or psuedoephedrin) but there are still lots of easy ways to get good ephed or pfed, pure ephedrin can be extracted out of it's plant matter, from a plant that can be bought at most garden stores. Or you can get pfed from decongestive pills like sudafed. Most people perfer to work with pfed from pills rather then ephed from the plant. The important thing is that you must have pure pfed/ephed as any contaminants will fuck up the molar ratio leaving you with over-reduced shit or under-reduced shit. Or contaminats will jell durring baseifying and gak up your product which will then be very hard to clean. So you want to find a pill that is nearly pure pfed hcl, or as close to pure as you can get. Also check the lable on your pills and see what inactive ingredients they contain. Inactive ingredients are things like binders and flavors. These you dont want and will remove when cleaning your pills. but certain inactive ingredients are harder to remove then others. You dont want pills with a red coating, you dont want pills with alot of cellose in them and you dont want pills with much wax. you also dont want pills that contain povidone. As a rule, if you have a two pills that contain the same amount of pfed hcl then take the smaller sized pill because it obviously has less binders and inactive ingredients, time released pills are usualy harder to work with because they have more binders and tend to gel up durring the a/b stage. Also only buy pills that have pfed hcl as the only active ingredient. You first have to make ephedrine (which is sometimes sold as meth by itself):If you are selling it...I would just make ephedrine and say it's meth.
Distilled water - it's really cheap, so you have no reason to use the nasty stuff from the tap. Do things right.
List of equipment : A glass eyedropper
Three small glass bottles with lids (approx. 3 oz., but not important)one should be marked at 1.5oz, use tape on the outside to mark it (you might want to label it as ether). One should be clear (and it can't be the marked one).
A Pyrex dish (the meatloaf one is suggested)
A glass quart jar
Sharp scissors
Clean rubber gloves
Coffee filters
A measuring cup
Measuring spoons
Preparing your Lab:
Preparing Ethyl Ether: WARNING: Ethyl Ether is very flammable and is heavier than air. Do not use ethyl ether near flame or non-sparkless motors. It is also an anaesthetic and can cause respiratory collapse if you inhale too much.
Take the unmarked small bottle and spray starter fluid in it until it looks half-full. Then fill the rest of the way with water, cap the bottle and shake for 5 minutes. Let it sit for a minute or two, and tap the side to try and separate the clear upper layer. Then, draw off the top (ether) layer with the eyedropper, and throw away the lower (water) and cloudy layer. Place the ether in the marked container. Repeat this until you have about 1.5 oz. of ether. Put the cap on it, and put it in the freezer if you can. Rinse the other bottle and let it stand.
Ethyl ether is very pungent. Even a small evaporated amount is quite noticeable.
Ephedrine & or P-Ephedrine: Please discuss this on the neonjoint forum

1. Pour 1/8 teaspoon of the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine and agitate. Do this carefully, as the mixture will become hot, and give off hydrogen gas and/or steam. H2 gas is explosive and lighter than air, avoid any flames as usual. Repeat this step until the mixture remains cloudy. This step neutralizes the HCl in the salt, leaving the insoluble free base (l-desoxyephedrine) again. Why do we do this? So that we can get rid of any water-soluble impurities. For 3 oz. bottles, this should take only 3 repetitions or so.
   
2. Fill the bottle from step 5 up the rest of the way with ethyl ether. Cap the bottle, and agitate for about 8 minutes. It is very important to expose every molecule of the free-base to the ether for as long as possible. This will cause the free base to dissolve into the ether (it -is- soluble in ether).
   
3. Let the mixture settle. There will be a middle layer that is very thick. Tap the side of the bottle to get this layer as thin as possible. This is why this bottle should be clear.
   
4. Remove the top (ether) layer with the eyedropper, being careful not to get any of the middle layer in it. Place the removed ether layer into a third bottle.
   
5. Add to the third bottle enough water to fill it half-way and about 5 drops of muriatic acid. Cap it. Shake the bottle for 2 minutes.