Bed bath and beyond vornado heater

My partner has been abusing me for years, but lately it's been rapidly getting worse. I've been trying to work up more stability so that when I leave, I don't end up homeless. But something always comes up and I get financially fucked all over again. Now the thing is I don't make enough money to survive independently. Jobs here aren't paying enough for anyone to live alone, it's awful. And I don't have any family or friends or support system. Women's shelters are either full or cannot help with anything other than a temporary bed for a few days. I hate where I live so much, I really just want to run away to a different state that's less fucked up... But then I would need to find a new job, and we're at an all-time bad time for getting jobs right now, and it's looking like the economy just keeps getting worse and worse. my credit is trashed so I can't rent a place to live. I don't own a car so I have nothing to sleep in or get to work or food sources with. I spend hours researching what I could try to do but it's all dead ends and I feel absolutely beyond hopeless and trapped because of fucking money. I feel like I'm stuck in a previous decade or a different country having to live like this, and I'm not the only one. Saving a few bucks here and there is not enough to sustain what it costs to have a safe roof over my head and a job to get to and electricity on and food to eat. It really does feel like the only way to end this relationship is to end my life, lmao. It sucks because I KNOW he is the problem, not me. I know I'm sane and he's not. I WANT to leave, But I'm still trapped.

The ants started in the summer. Nothing unusual, just a few that crawled their way into the kitchen to snack on bits of food. Penny had been working extra hard in the garden that year, trying to transform flower beds into something that might produce food. I didn’t think she was going to have a lot of luck with it, the weather being as unpredictable as it was, but it was worth a try, given how unpredictable everything else was. In between that and the compost pile, we got a lot of attention from the wildlife, scroungers and feeders and everything else that was being pushed out by the new development. I suppose in all that digging and planting we might have stirred something up.
The days started to get shorter, but still the ants came, the once tiny bands of scouts turning into small riots of black wriggling that surrounded any food dropped on the floor. It wasn’t long before there were trains of ants marching their way up the counters to rob the kitchen of whatever they might find there.
I admired their industriousness, but them getting onto the counters was the last straw for me. Penny just said to wait until the weather got colder, so I did, but that only made things worse. The colder it got, and that autumn it got cold fast, the more ants we found. Soon it wasn’t just in the kitchen, but any place that they might forage.
So I bought the poison, something not dangerous to humans, but a spreading toxin to ants and insects, something new called Terra Meta Borax. You put a few drops of the liquid somewhere you knew the ants would be and its sweet scent would lure them to it. It wouldn’t kill them straight away, but rather let them lift little toxic globules back to the colony so it would kill the nest instead of a single ant. I wasn’t exactly sure how it worked, but it somehow involved a molecularly enhanced boric acid, so I can’t imagine it was a pleasant way to go.
It worked, though. The ants stopped. We’d still see a few in the bathroom, which didn’t make sense to me – I don’t think ants eat waste. It was the warmest room in the house, though, sitting above the water-heater and HVAC units in the crawlspace.
Eventually, the ones in the bathroom really started to bug (ha ha) Penny. The rare long bath she took was one of the few luxuries in a busy life, and the ants were upsetting that small comfort. So I cleared some space and put down poison, spattering more droplets than I had ever used before. Finished, I backed up quick, startled at the number of ants that came streaming out, tiny black bodies, antenna wiggling, searching and fevered for the toxic archipelago I had created.
Their excitement unsettled me, seeing so many swarming to embrace a slow, chemical death. I put that aside as childish, though, telling myself that the poison was designed to attract them, and that’s what it was doing.
Their numbers in the bathroom dwindled until one day Penny finished filling the tub and moments later I heard her scream. I rushed in, an unexpected level of adrenaline quickening my feet, but it was only Penny having quickly retracted a toe from the ice cold water of the bath she had just drawn.
I told her I’d check the water-heater in the morning. She wasn’t happy about it, but she was a kind enough that she didn’t press it that night. The crawlspace might be big enough that you didn’t have to go hand and knee into it, but it was a low, earthen cellar. We’d put in a sump pump and gutters to route the waters that came down in the torrential winter rains, but it was still wet and muddy.
There was only a single light down there, and it wasn’t reliable, and the water-heater was far beyond the reach of whatever shard of light might sneak in past the entrance. So in the morning I took a light when I stepped outside and circled the house, coming to the cellar entrance, a half-door set into the house’s brick foundation. I had to lean hard into it, pushing the wooden boards through a shelf of mud that had built up on the inside, black muck seeping from underneath it.
Inside was as dark as the soil. I shined the light around, but it only lit a few yards. Our house wasn’t a big one, but under it, the cellar was like its own cavern system.
I stepped in, my feet sinking into the sludge, causing me to curse the handyman who had installed the gutters, certain they and the sump pump must have failed. Grateful I had rubber boots on, I moved forward, pointing my light in the direction I knew the water-heater should be, but not seeing anything. There was nothing but an inky darkness, with occasional ripples, like fragments of light reflecting from the bottom of a deep well.
I struggled to find my way to the nearest structural pillar, hoping to use it as a guidepost. Each was solid gray cinder block, steady as the rock it was made of, but they all had vanished in the dark. I found one by slipping in the mud and blindly catching myself on it, barely balancing on the uneven ground.
My heart rate and hair rose as I tried to pull my hand away. The ooze around the pillar held me firmly, and my eyes widened in the lightless cellar as I felt my hand sink further into the ooze around it, exuding a familiar sweet smell. I yanked my arm, trying to free myself, but the dark held me fast. I lifted one foot, then the other, trying to wriggle loose, but I couldn’t move.
I breathed through my rising panic, cutting through the growing pressure of my own pulse to raise the flashlight to get a better look at my trapped hand. As I did, though, the beam swept over something deeper in the cellar.
I was far enough in that I should have been able to see the brick that marked the other end of the foundation. Instead, what I had taken for darkness rippled and moved, giving a sense of immense size, like a bull from one of the local rodeos.
It didn’t move like a bull, though. It rolled like mudslide, a wave of sediment, a lightless composition of rot. I felt the call for help forming in my throat turn into a scream as it got closer. I saw its surface wriggle with tiny black stalks, ants’ black bodies. But there were other things as well.
There were bits of fur and a raccoon skull, skin like a toad, a pair of antlers, all of them tumbling over each other as the dark suspension rolled forward. My panicked arm struggled to get free even as the necrotic melange swept across my feet. I dropped the light to use both hands to pull against the pillar. It hit the ground with a wet pop, releasing more of that sweet smell, its light shining onto an unblinking, inhuman eye before sinking into darkness. Behind me, something shut the cellar door.
I’m not sure who’s writing this now. But I can hear my Penny in her bath, and she isn’t complaining anymore.
You may here an audio reading of this story at www.matthewcmclean.com

I moved my mom into my house after she had a very mild stroke. Both myself and my wife work fulltime in a different city and sometimes find ourselves staying out of town for a night or 2. We were considering asking a family member to move in and help take care of my mom. Now my mom is still pretty independent...she cooks for herself, can bathe and clean her own room, can do a lot of things, the only worry is she is a bit unstable when she walks and there is the fear she would fall and nobody would be around to help her while we were at work or sometimes she forgets things (like when she is cooking) and has on 1 occasion left a stove burner on but nothing was on the stovetop over it.
As I said I have a young family member who doesn't have a job but is super trustworthy and helped with my mom during other times. Her family and living situation is pretty grim and she mostly stays with friends just to be away from her sisters and mother. I was thinking of asking her to move in with us to help with my mom. She'd have her own bedroom with attached private bathroom and free access to any of the shared facilities (kitchen, cabinets for food, etc). We would provide basic food for the house and she has her own transportation. My question is, with the room and board, most foods provided, and all that, do we still offer to pay her for this or is the room and board enough? Do I ask her to get a part time job and pay a minimal amount of rent? I don't want to be cheap or anything and insult her but at the same time the stuff we are asking her to do isn't really anything above and beyond, just be here in case mom needs anything. Also I'm trying to avoid becoming a topic on /ChoosingBeggars lol

As I passed by Mt Mortar I decided to bypass the whole thing by means of the small creek adjacent to it. As I did I ended noticin somehin that was glimmerin in the tree's, but I didn't have Royals with me so I couldn't get a closer look. I took note to come back later and kept on my way to Mahogony, makin land a bit after and continuin east to Mahogany, along the way catchin a Mareep. It was a bit closer than I liked, being half the level of my own Mons, but luckily I just needed The Chain to put em to sleep and then toss a Ultra Ball to nab it. Once caught I named her
Electrc Avn
She was way more chill than even Bohemian, Lax even, and all that cotton made her pretty good at taken hits too. I thought about addin her to the team, but not now, right now she needed to wait in the box, the next two Gyms wouldn't be too good for her. I made it to Mahogany Town and couldn't help but notice somethins were off. Firstly, the Gym was blocked off by some guy who was guidin people to the Lake of Rage up north, which while I wasn't plannin on goin in there yet, his familiar look to that guy sellin them overpriced slowpoke tails, and the subsequent later connection to Team Rocket shenanigans, had me on all sorts of edge. Then there was the fact that my chill blues got replaced with some funky interpretive whatsit as soon as I walked into town. This and the absolutely fake tree next to the suspicious shop had me come to one conclusion, something was goin on up at the Lake of Rage, and I was about to make my way there to find out what. I healed up, and headed north, tryin to avoid any wild Mon encounters and instead findin duo of Rocket Goons holdin up the waypoint, forcin tolls onto people. If my guess wasn't clearly right before, this is more than enough proof that Rocket's up to somethin. Once I get there however, I end up findin what they were talkin about, a massive Gyrados, red and furious. I tried catchin it, but Bohemian decided to crit it with it's second Petal Dance, causin it to knock the big boi out. I guess calmin it down would suffice, but despite Rockets whole thing here bein ruined, I still hadn't found the head of their operations here, luckily, someone else had...
Lance
I froze in place as he walked up and started givin out the details on what's been goin on here. His Dragonite standin right next to him, and loomin right over me. Eventally, I'd have to go toe to toe with that thing, but it wouldn't be the first big Dragon I'd have to get past so I'll have experience, and a plan. I then heard him call out to Dragonite to fly him back to Mahagony Town, meanwhile I had to walk, this time skippin the impromptu toll booth and passin through the Grass. As I passed on through I found a Girafarig, gave me a bit of a scare in flinchin and critin The Chain, but I put it to bed and then nabbed it in a ball. Named the little guy...
MelowYelow
And he was a Mellow one, Gentle in nature, until he got excited, then he was thrashin about the place. I'd box him but also kept him in mind for later. I made to it Mahogany and headed towards the Pokemon Center, healed up my Mon and then headed to the suspicious shop, and what do I walk into, but a near murder of one of the guys as a beam of white hot energy slams him against the wall. The other guy quickly moved out of the way, and as he turned to me I froze again, but he just casually mentioned that the hidden passage was bellow the cabinet, moved it out of the way, and then headed on down. I took a second before followin down there. As I do I end up runnin into their security system, but the guards are so weak compared to my mon now that I decided to use them for E.V farmin, as well as free Poke. One floor down and I end up catchin up with Lance, where he explained that we had to find out a password in order to reach the Rocket Exec runnin this show, and after that we needed a password from the Admin to open the door to some Electrode who were runnin the generator for the device that was throwin the signal across the radio. Now the plan was set, and we set off to work. Beat up some goons, some scientists, got the passwords, and then headed Downstairs. There I end up runnin into Paul, but apparently Lance got to him first cause he wasn't even lookin to fight, and gave him a good lecturin too about how he treated his Mon, lettin them die off left an right with not a care in the world, callin em weak and worthless... I might not have been the latter two but, I've had plenty of deaths on my own here, and I was wonderin if I might risk endin up like Paul... what was Paul even like. I didn't have time to ask him cuz he stormed off while I got lost in my own thoughts, but I had my own things to worry about beyond that, like the Executive behind this up comin door...
Petrel
Parents musta known who they were raisin cuz this man looked as slick and slimy as his namesake, and sounded it too as he told me the password right away, only to then brag that it only responded to his voice. He snickered like a Hyena, and started a fight with me in hopes of wipin me out. His mon were pretty scummy as well; His Zubat was a Flinch Fusion monster (though thank god Starships was able to wipe the floor with it before it could get started), his Raicate was mostly fair, sucker punch being the cheapest thing on the field, and then came the Koffing. I had a sneaking suspicion, what with his smug grin cracked by the sweat on his face, so I threw in DaBleedin and, well it made it boom. Out of mon and out of options, he decided to run, and I was at a bit of a blank spot. Maybe I'd get lucky and Lance would catch em as he was runnin out, nope, got luckier, the nearby Murkrow started screamin the password, and it sounded a lot like Petrel while doin it. All of a sudden it runs off, and I give chase; I managed to chase that thing screamin all the way to the Electrode room. Before I could stroll on in however, I ended up runnin into another Executive...
Arianna
A fiery red head who gave me some serious deja vu, and another rocket friend of hers. Before I could start what looked to be a tough 2v1, Lance came in to back me up, with his own Dragonite. Even funnier than that is the fact that Arianna's mon were also fairly under leveled compared to my own, so what seemed like a hard double battle turned out to be easy, and then was made easier by the man Lance and his Sudo-Legendary Mon. Needless to say, I was more than a bit humored. We both cleaned those two up, and got to dealin with the Electrode problem. Because of the way they were hooked up, we had to knock them out to deal with them. I nabbed one of them for myself, and called it...
BalroomBlz
No surpise it was Naive, neither the fact that it had a sturdy body, though I'd box it for now, instead leavin and headin to the Pokemon Center to top me and the Mon off before fightin Pryce.
To Be Continued...
Previous Chapters
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Hello! I have made an enclosure for my printer, ( Ender 3 v2 Neo) and have printed a box for the main board and mount for the power supply and currently have them both outside of the enclosure with all of the wires running into the enclosure to power motors, switches, heaters, etc. The problem I am having is that every time that I need to take my printer out of the enclosure for maintenance it is such a pain to have to unplug everything from the main board.And then to put it back have to re-feed the wires back through the cable pass to reconnect.
So my question is what type of connector could I use to make a quick disconnect and reconnect setup?
I have recently tried using a D sub connector with a screw type terminal. But after setting up the “ quick connect” my Y axis makes a terrible grinding sound. I have checked the bed, belt, and roller wheels and haven’t seen an issue. I have also checked that the cables leading to the connectors are good and secure aswell as I have taken apart the motor and don’t see anything wrong. So I’m guessing it just doesn’t like the connector?
Any advice would be much appreciated !:)

Long story ahead.
It started when I was just a kid. I'm in my mid 30s now, but that's when it started. I'd like to preface most of this with an obligatory, to the best of my knowledge, I'm not making any of it up. Whatever definitive knowledge I think I've got is based on speculation and heresay. Nothing has identified itself at all, let alone directly. For my own sake, and the sake of related parties I'm going to edit all names from the story(ies). Especially since I'm not using a throwaway or anything. This is going right up on my personal account. I fabricate or hold back nothing this time. Ill be doing my best to cultivate as much accurate information as I can remember, but I'm getting old and don't remember as well as I used to. I can't even tell you how genuinely I consider religion, supernatural whatever, all of it to just be some stuff made up by white men to continue on with the patriarchy. I don't buy into ghosts or any of it.
It started as shadows. The feeling of being watched. My childhood wasn't that great, it was full of physical and emotional abuse from my mother. We lived in my step father's own childhood home, so it wasn't haunted by any ancient ghosts. It was a dark place though, with their history already blotting the air with it's thickness.
I guess before I really go on, I should explain that, too.
My step father was twenty something years older than my mom. So he was in his fifties during my teen years. He wasn't bad, he wasn't great. I guess technically speaking he was a bad step father. We didn't have much of a relationship, let alone a even bad "fatheson" one.
The home itself was an old New England starter home. It was small, as far as modern houses go. Three bedrooms total. One bath, a large basement spanned the entire length and width. By the time we had met him and moved in, he had already mostly paid the house off, buying it from his own parents. Outside of four years in the coast guard, He, his brother, and older sister had all lived there(while they moved away, he stayed)
Their family dynamic was dated, and weird. His mom and dad were the type to call each other "mom and dad" respectively. His sister, even after joining the navy and marrying an officer was required to maintain a joint bank account with her dad so he could have uptime decision making. She had her own creepy qualities when we'd visit. She collected Barbies, never opening them. That in itself isn't weird. Hell, I collect action figures myself. But she had a voice for some of her favorites, and they'd talk amongst themselves if she was in the room. My Step father's brother, was actually an inventor and invented something I can't remember anymore. He wasn't Bezos rich, but had a nice house in Florida when we'd visit. Mom and Step dad both always warned me though to be careful. He was on a lot of drugs.
My Step father himself was a weird man. He was never taught hygiene. And he was never really nurtured or loved, and unfortunately it showed. He didn't know how to do those things, either. He was a nice guy, but had no idea what to do from there. He grew up in the fifties, and as a kid, I just imagined that's why he was the way he was. From a different time.
The legacy of their combined tragic legacy lived on in a ghost that I do believe was in the realitively new house. We lived there total for twelve years with him, however the time is broken up into two different six year stints. Half way through, my mom for whatever reason, moved us out. We lived in a one room efficiency apartment together for exactly one year, before they reconciled and moved back in together. While we were moved out - we adopted a stray cat. Well, he adopted us. We actually found him the very first day we left him on our own. He was a white cat, nearly completely blind. He was just outside our motel door. We took him in with us. He was actually great. We named him Doofus, because he was kinda fun and goofy. He stayed with us the entire year departure, and was reluctantly allowed back with us.
My Step father was a dog person. Awkwardly so. He loved his dog(s). To the point where I'd still say he more made out with them, as a form of affection. It wasn't okay. I'm sure of that. Let me clear something up, while I say all of these negative things about him. It's not like that. While we don't have any sort of relationship now, I believe that's more us both healing from my mother more so than each other. But anyway, let's keep going!
Within a year after introducing the new cat into the house, he had himself quite the affinity for the basement. It was cool in the summer, and kept itself warm enough to be down there without freezing in the winter. It was my home base as a teenage boy in the late 90s, early 00s with AOL internet access. Doofus would often lounge around, and we'd leave him to his own devices while down there. He never disappeared and always came running when we'd shake his bowl of food. That first summer back though, we were, even my step father was, convinced he had worked his magic on a neighborhood feline friend, and had a litter of kittens down there. It wasn't the mousy cries of fresh babies. Certainly a meow that wasn't his though. We thought maybe he had found his way into the walls, or was simply stuck. Inevitably one day it happened with him fast asleep on his window perch in the kitchen. Finally my step dad fessed up what comes to be an important story.
When he was a kid, himself and his younger sister, found a cat. They, with some kind of sitcom understanding of how the world works, brought it home and tried to hide it in the basement to keep. Their father found it and brutalized the animal to punish them and simply disposed of it like it was nothing.
I can't stress it enough how… from that point on, things changed. The meowing from the basement stopped. Forever. It never happened again. However I never felt alone down there again, honestly.
I want to take another brief intermission to point out that at the current point in my life, I've been in therapy and anger management both. I haven't spoken to my mother in over seven years, and I'm barely any contact with my family at all. I had a very good therapist that helped me through my trauma with my mom as a child that continued into adulthood. Most of the information I'm going to share here, and continue to share here are things that modern medicine and science have since explained away. Sort of. I didn't just feel not alone while in the basement of my childhood home anymore, I felt actively pursued. Someone wasn't just always watching, they wanted to be known. I also started to experience night terrors that felt lucid.
I eventually moved out as soon as I could, and moved to Florida. Unfortunately my abusive mother followed. However, years passed from there. Through circumstance, I maintained a relationship with her. I was young and dumb, and didn't know how to set or enforce boundaries. Anyway.
Fast forward to my mid 20s. I had just ended a long term relationship with what was essentially my first "real-life" girlfriend. Things went sour the way things do when you're young, and I ended up moving back in with my mom and her now new husband. It was a very short stay, but while there I fell on hard times with my health. That's where the story here really takes an interesting turn.
Their house wasn't just bad, it was absolutely the worst. It was literally just a shack. The way some of those poor places in Florida are really like. I was home alone. I did have my own private bedroom. It was small, couldn't even hold my bed and the dresser. There was no door. It was an old curtain pinned to the outside wall. The illusion of privacy. It all went from easy enough to explain, to outright bonkers that day.
I was in bed. Doorway clearly visible. The sheet had been pinned to the space above it so it stood open for me to come and go easily. In the doorway was a teenage girl. Shoulder length brown hair. Conservatively dressed, yet modern. She didn't speak. It was over. She was gone.
The same girl came to me two or three days later, same setting. Just standing in the doorway. She seemed far less relaxed. Even agitated. She was holding something but I couldn't make out what. Whatever it was just wouldn't manifest, but it was important to her. Whatever that item was I can't help but feel like it'd all make sense now, but who knows. She stayed for nearly a full five minutes, fidgeting eithcthecitem before leaving. It was only a couple of more days before she came back again, but wasn't alone. An older man. Older then I was at the time, at least. He seemed like her father. They were bickering and fighting about something and she, in her tantrum disappeared. But he stayed and said nothing to me. He made no motion or charades. He did however glare at me this empty, menacing eyes and then vanished.
I didn't see the girl again until the night before I moved out. By this point, I had been drained of the small savings I did have. I was literally starving. Stealing food from Walmart just to keep myself going. I had aloowedcmy mother to drain me of everything. The apparition came to me that night, and the sensation was different. She glowed a warm orange tint. it felt like we were together forever. She still never spoke to me, but shared knowledge. She told me things about myself I didn't know yet. Actual, real life things that wouldn't come to fruition for over a decade, but they have indeed come true. Not even as a warning. It was a parlor trick to prove her abilities to me. I didn't see her again, for nearly 12 years.
It was last year she came back. I wasn't startled, she communicated like we were old friends. By just, giving me the information. I had probably six or eight months prior to that, reconnected with an old friend. The girl told me matter of fact my, "reach out. They aren't okay." Which was weird because we were talking mostly daily at that point again. I knew things weren't perfect but not being okay raised alarm bells. I reached out to find out their dog had passed just that morning. Again not a huge flex of their ability, just enough to keep me hooked.
I was bewildered at this point. I knew nothing of psychics or spirits or demons. Outside of what I seen on TV of course. I didn't even believe in that shit, but I love reading and learning.
Because of the history with my newly rekindled friendship, it was actually my childhood crush - the love of my life. That was actually the context of us becoming friends again. I wanted to work on fixing the things between us so we could be there again. The situation felt ripe by description for either Dr. Phil, or Lilith. Though I didn't know what that was even supposed to mean.
My own research and learning has brought me here, to you. This sub. This long story of ghost cats, and dark places, the meddling of what I thought was Lilith, but I believe to be something else entirely.
You see I've reached out to the girl who manifests. She hasn't been back, but I can still feel her around. So I've worked up the courage to confront her. I ask for identification, and my ears fill with this droning white noise and it'll eventually tell me that shes Lilith, but I'm not convinced. But from the difficulty in expression, neither are they. I believe it's something that latched onto my belief at first of it being Lilith and won't let up on that. I do believe it's "male" in nature. Has a knack for tricks, and knows that pretending to be something it isn't is bad for him, so he's trying to keep it under cover. I also don't think it's here to help me in any capacity. It clearly wants something either from me, personally, or is trying to use me as a vessel.
I think something masquerading now as Lilith has been involved in my life from the house I grew up. It didn't leave me alone, it learned to be less obvious and scary outright. But it's here. It's always here.

I am putting my full routine for info sakes but TLDR at bottom
I love cold exposure I feel fantastic after a dip for about 90 minutes but then I start to feel poorly. I feel extremely cold like I have to bundle up and feel groggy. The only way I have been able to counter this is by taking a warm shower or standing by a heater and while I try to hold off on this as long as possible I usually end up taking a hot shower by the afternoon. I have been doing this routine daily for about a month with very few days off.
I'm looking for some advise on working through this. Here is my routine.
60 minutes of weight/Cardio circuit training right when I wake up. I am in a fasted state 17hr fast/7 hour eating window. I usually break my fast around 11 am well after my workout and cold exposure.
15 minutes of wim breathing and meditation while I fill my bath.
3-4 minutes of cold immersion up to my neck laying in my bath at 4°C/ 39°F followed by naturally drying off no towel or clothes besides shorts. I do not find the bath uncomfortable beyond some numbness and minor tingling occasionally in my hands and feet.
I follow this up with a jolt of caffeine via an espresso shot. Then relax while I air dry and write my metrics in my journal.
My goals are not endurance but to help with muscle recovery after working out as I get bad DOMS, to help boost my metabolism to assist with weight loss and to help naturally control my high blood pressure without medication.
TLDR: Love Cold Exposure, feel great for 90 minutes but then miserable cold and groggy for hours and having trouble working through this.

Looking to sublease a 2 bed/2 bath Radiance layout in the Aurelien building with S and SE views starting in May to August 5th with an option to renew.
Higher level unit (22nd floor) with great views of the city, large balcony to enjoy the summer views, and ample amenities in the building (top floor gym, rooftop pool, wellness/meditation room, social room, game room, terrace with outdoor grills, offices, garage parking and more)
Walking distance to Oak Street Beach, Michigan Ave, public transport (brown and red line as well as bus stops) and restaurants. High demand building in popular and safe location
$4,500 per month

This story may be a bit long, but I want to make sure I have all the details right.
On a recent weekend during a bike ride I nearly got Right Hooked by a Pickup Truck.
"Whoa whoa whoa!!!" I yelled while panicking and trying to grasp my brakes from my handpositions (I have drop bars but my hands were at the tops) and finally came to a stop before I collided with the bed of the truck or worse.
Either in anger or as a part of me stopping myself from crashing, I recall slapping the side of the truck. The driver than stopped and began saying something, but at that point I decided it was best not to engage and just continue straight down my path. All I heard as I was riding away was "My fucking tru-" and kept going.
Nervous I tried to keep an eye out for in case this driver decided to re-engage with me out of road rage, but two blocks later and after a red light with no reappearance I figured they continued to their destination.
Halfway up a hill I noticed from my left peripheral vision a vehicle suddenly stopping and immediately unclipped from my bike, turning and faced the same truck stopped besides me. Immediately I reached into my left pocket for my pepper spray (which I keep on my person always for dogs and people).
Perhaps noticing me reaching the driver stated "Hey, I'm not chasing you down trying to start a fight or anything."
Hand still in my pocket I relaxed a little, but was preparing myself for on the off chance this man changes his mind and decided he does want a fight.
"I just wanted to apologize for almost hitting you, I mean you did hit my truck which I kinda understand, but I'm trying to be better now and just wanted to say 'sorry'. I don't think you really hurt my truck or anything".
Realizing that this guy wasn't going to exit from his vehicle to confront me, I decided to remove my hand from the left pocket and displayed my open palm.
"I didn't damage your truck, it was just an open handed slap on it. Thanks for your apology, I appreciate it. Have a safe trip back home".
The guy repeated his apology and wished me the same, then drove off ahead. I decided to wait back a little for he got caught at another red light, after seeing him clearly turn the corner I began to relax a little and continue my trek uphill.
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This whole incident really spiked my nerves but I'm glad this incident of road rage didn't end up like the ER Doctor last month in LA. I usually try to not verbally say anything to antagonize a motorist beyond a simple "Hey!" to grab their attention during a close call. But I honestly am not sure if I slapped their truck as a part of me stopping or just in anger of a close call.
But this is a good reminder to always and try to de-escalate a situation on the road to increase the likelihood of getting to your destination w/o injury or death. Just wanted to post this here to inform the rest of ya'll to try your best with de-escalation as well as situational awareness while on the road.

Yesterday, I decided to buy a pair of quad skates. Haven’t skated since I was 8 years old and I’m beyond excited!!!! At first, I was going to get a cheap pair of Chicagos from eBay, but after reading all the threads, guides, and comments, I decided to go with a pair of Sure Grip boardwalks! I’m so stinking excited and so grateful this community exists! I feel like I made the right choice and will love them and use them often when they arrive. Thinking about keeping them by my bed so I can skate first thing when I wake up on my way to the kitchen to make coffee lol 😂
Excited to share progress community and learn from this group!

This story may be a bit long, but I want to make sure I have all the details right.
On a recent weekend during a bike ride I nearly got Right Hooked by a Pickup Truck.
"Whoa whoa whoa!!!" I yelled while panicking and trying to grasp my brakes from my handpositions (I have drop bars but my hands were at the tops) and finally came to a stop before I collided with the bed of the truck or worse.
Either in anger or as a part of me stopping myself from crashing, I recall slapping the side of the truck. The driver than stopped and began saying something, but at that point I decided it was best not to engage and just continue straight down my path. All I heard as I was riding away was "My fucking tru-" and kept going.
Nervous I tried to keep an eye out for in case this driver decided to re-engage with me out of road rage, but two blocks later and after a red light with no reappearance I figured they continued to their destination.
Halfway up a hill I noticed from my left peripheral vision a vehicle suddenly stopping and immediately unclipped from my bike, turning and faced the same truck stopped besides me. Immediately I reached into my left pocket for my pepper spray (which I keep on my person always for dogs and people).
Perhaps noticing me reaching the driver stated "Hey, I'm not chasing you down trying to start a fight or anything."
Hand still in my pocket I relaxed a little, but was preparing myself for on the off chance this man changes his mind and decided he does want a fight.
"I just wanted to apologize for almost hitting you, I mean you did hit my truck which I kinda understand, but I'm trying to be better now and just wanted to say 'sorry'. I don't think you really hurt my truck or anything".
Realizing that this guy wasn't going to exit from his vehicle to confront me, I decided to remove my hand from the left pocket and displayed my open palm.
"I didn't damage your truck, it was just an open handed slap on it. Thanks for your apology, I appreciate it. Have a safe trip back home".
The guy repeated his apology and wished me the same, then drove off ahead. I decided to wait back a little for he got caught at another red light, after seeing him clearly turn the corner I began to relax a little and continue my trek uphill.
----------------------------------------------------
This whole incident really spiked my nerves but I'm glad this incident of road rage didn't end up like the ER Doctor last month in LA. I usually try to not verbally say anything to antagonize a motorist beyond a simple "Hey!" to grab their attention during a close call. But I honestly am not sure if I slapped their truck as a part of me stopping or just in anger of a close call.
But this is a good reminder to always and try to de-escalate a situation on the road to increase the likelihood of getting to your destination w/o injury or death. Just wanted to post this here to inform the rest of ya'll to try your best with de-escalation as well as situational awareness while on the road.

This is a long, complicated situation, but I'll try to keep it short and concise. I'm writing this for insight on a rare situation, and out of concern for a friend's mental health.
​
This time last year I started seeing a woman, who I wasn't so sure of in the beginning, but over time my feelings for her grew stronger and stronger. We had a great first date, and started to hang out on a weekly basis since our first rendezvous, and we both enjoyed each other's company. Around the second date she started to allude to an ex she had that would seek out other girls, but I didn't put much thought into her telling me that since I was still debating on if I wanted to be serious with her or not. As time went on, she would expound on the guy more and more, and it was revealed that she was in an abusive relationship. Some guys might view that as a red flag, but I was understanding of it since I was in an abusive relationship prior to her as well, coincidentally both were on/off for 3 years. I since then went to therapy for mine (and still going), and my abusive ex eventually found a new man, had a baby, and got married. We would often tell stories about our past incidents, and wonder why we put up with the abuse that we did. Her abuse was more extreme than mine, but it's crazy how similar abusers are to one another, regardless of the gender.
The girl I was seeing on the other hand, didn't quite cut away from her situation, or was completely healed. She's a travel nurse, and she managed to skip town to get away from him, and attempted to move forward. We started dating, and she viewed me as a breath of fresh air, and she was the first real connection I had since my abusive ex, which was about 5 years ago. Things were going good between us, but I started to realize she was constantly blocking random numbers he would reach out to her from, and on social media. Things took a turn once she told me he found her address and showed up at her door one day, which I thought was crossing the line. I felt that was potentially dangerous, and could've easily gone awry, especially if I were there. We would clash because I felt she should take legal action but she felt that would give him what he wants, which is more of her time if it were to lead to a court case; and she thought "blocking him for the rest of her life" was the solution.
About 8 months into dating, shortly after becoming exclusive, we had a big falling out over something completely different, and she decided to end things. I was pretty disappointed since we had a connection (first one I had in a long time), and I felt our problems could be worked through with communication and forgiveness. I gave myself a month and a half to get back out there and date again, and even went on dates, but my heart was still elsewhere, and ultimately I just wasn't into it.
She randomly reached out to me one night when I was getting ready to go out with a new girl, and I was excited to talk to her. She took accountability for the falling out and was saying she was overreacting, and after talking about me to a friend she had realized I wasn't the bad guy she was making me out to be. We talked for a couple of days, and things felt like old times, until it took a turn.
I texted her one afternoon and she replied her ex was found dead that morning, and I was shocked. I called her immediately and really didn't know what to say; it was the last message I was expecting to receive from her. She then started to express guilt over their last phone call since she was rude and dismissive, and he was trying to tell her goodbye. Initially she was receptive to me consoling her and telling her it's not her fault, and the guilt is understandable, but she had no idea what was next. I'm sure if she did, she would take steps to avoid the pain she's feeling right now.
As time went on, her depression set in and her behavior has been concerning imo. Our texts went from daily to weekly, she started spending days in bed, not brushing her teeth or bathing, and latching on to his family, and clashing with her mother and sister. After his services, she flew back to her current location, and seems to have gotten worse. She's now been referring to him as "the love of her life", saying everyone she touches dies, and posting his videos, pics, and texts on her social media, as well as poems/memes about losing your partner. I don't want to be an asshole, but it paints a false picture that they were a healthy, happy couple, but the things she shared with me were chaotic and dysfunctional.
I've been doing nice gestures to help her, like talking to her about everything, and sending her flowers; I even sent her a gift card for her local masseuse to get a massage when she's ready. She felt I was trying to take advantage of her, which I explained she's a friend regardless and I'm supporting her through this rough patch. She then got upset when I was trying to talk to her about strong grief that I faced and how I got thru it, and other ways to heal. She felt that I was making her situation "about me", then lashed out and made a very disrespectful comment. I told her that I hope she finds the peace and healing she needs, but I'm not going to tolerate being treated like that. We then had a phone call and she just yelled at me about me being selfish and using her grief to talk about myself, before hanging up in my face, and proceeding to block me on all her social media. Knowing her I'm sure she will unblock me eventually, but it's unnecessary for her to do that in the first place.
At this point I'm just worried about her. Us dating isn't the concern at this point, I just feel like she's not in a good head space, and she's not being receptive to help. Has anyone gone through something like this? Maybe from their perspective or a friend's?

TL;DR:
I’m almost certain after my behaviour over the past two years that I have BPD but have only a diagnosis of ADHD despite telling mental health team.
I had a very upsetting and painful relationship with someone that made me feel really bad about myself. I hit out and had a mental breakdown, no I don’t feel like I can live my life because of who the person is and what they have made up about me on top of my already (true) crazy… I don’t really know what to do because I have really good friends in the city I live in but know that anything I do can and will be cancelled by this person.
oh goddddd, so I have a diagnosis of ADHD and not BPD but I did some crazy shit to someone I dated - so I reckon I do have BPD/ I was suffering from psychosis/ super low self esteem + trauma.
Context:Me - 26F Her 32F (I’ll use R to refer to hr)
I was living in my van at the time, really down and out - low sel esteem felt like i had nothing to offer.
She has a fancy salon on the main st in the area where kinda everyone i know in the city is/ DJs at the radio station across the st from r’s salon. To get anywhere you need to walk past her salon or try to avoid it. She knows all the big names etc and is like semi -famous.
Basically I was going through a bit of a rough time - had been struggling with homelessness for a while and that had gotten me into tricky situations which I didn't realise were probably leaving a mark on me. I hadn't been back in the UK for that long, having lived in Greece working in the camps for a while until covid happened and i experienced burnout and got back into drugs when trying to make new friends since i'd been abroad for so long. I sobered up and sorted myself out a bit and went and lived in my van tree-planting and having a nice time.
Anyways, I wasn't really into dating at that point but had dating apps and got talking to someone. Straight away she was really telling me loads about herself and so I opened up to over messages etc, she'd voice note and send pictures asking me to identify mushrooms she'd picked and asked me my opinions/ knowledge about intellectual topics etc, and basically seemed to have a lot in common with me/ wanted similar things.
We don't meet for a while because I'm flaky and always on the move. We finally meet, she comes to a friends house where i sometimes went when I was in the city (i lived in my van remember) and we take some mushrooms, laugh loads and then go to the club together, as soon as i get there she ignores me completely- but i bump into a friend so spend the night dancing with him.. i tell r I'm going to leave and we chat for a bit and then go outside, I ask if she's attracted to me because I'm confused by our interaction, i like r from our chats and how much we laughed together but then i think that she thinks I'm weird hence why she ignored me in the club- we end up circling each other and then kissing for a while, I go to leave and she grabs me an throws me to the wall and kisses me more (HOT). In the morning she messages me 'you're on my mind this morning'- I find it kinda wild, but like flattering and hot.
Anyways I'm away again and she tries to get me to drive back to the city to fuck a few times when she's drunk/ messages me in the night and gets annoyed when i don't reply 'I want you to talk to me' is what she'd say. I've never experienced anyone being so forward so i find it a bit unnerving but nice.
When we finally have sex it's wild, she strangles me without asking but it just works, she's so intense the most intense lover I've ever had, staring at me like she's going to swallow me whole. she says it's the best sex she's ever had - i don't know how to reply, but it is good. We continue seeing each other and she tells me all about her exes who are badddd, like crazy - 3 turn up at r’s flat over the time we are seeing each other... (and she tells me how she has gotten people cancelled).. We hang out a LOT she keeps telling me she's going to fall in love with me but she can't- can't have a relationship, we chat about what we want and she seems to want everything i want? Land, community.. She comes for a drink with me and my friend and storms out half way through i follow her and she's like I'm sorry and goes to dinner, i wake up to 9minutes worth of voice notes telling me all of these nice things about me but that I'm like damaged goods so maybe we should be friends because she knows she'll fall in love with me and she can't do that.. I'm so confused i message back telling her that everything is telling me to run away but for some reason i can't..
everytime i stay r tells me she's going to fall in love with me over and over again, but that she can't do that and it hurts me so i often stay in the spare room, always awaking to her coming in and clinging to me in the night, the way she holds me feels so good.. it really confuses me, so i become unsure if i should see her, everything feels wierdly dramatic all the time and the sex is crazy, she sends me constant nudes and desires me all the time, asks me to come to her work just to kiss her. Does not stop going on about my appearance and body (I'm like SUPER underweight at that point - sick looking- but i guess muscly from all the manual labour? idk weird she was so into it). But we do have the best times when we're together and i feel so special she covets me in public and invites me to cool fancy events and i feel accepted by like the beautiful people? But then she's also seeing other people, (none like me though, she loves me and it's different...) and makes fun of me for not (ENM) so i try and date other people but she stops me each time. She gets a bit calmer and things feel okay between us, i stay most nights she still pushes and pull but i put it down to her trauma and she tell me she's in love with me. I tell r i need time but she demands that i fuck her hard and lover her during sex. R corners me all the time over the next few weeks and tells me i must feel the same way as it's between two people. I'm obsessed, I love her back, I tell R this but that it feels painful and that shouldn't be what love is. We continue hanging out and it seems okay but it's like I'm waiting for her to do something again, it's incredible in so many ways the way we talk constantly about everything and all the amazing things she says to me.. But I'll catch r out on lies/ she'll do things/ say things that are really mean both to me and to strangers etc.
But then things get hard she has some family stuff and says she can't date me, i of course say that's fine but she messages me every day - i get really sick from living in the van during winter with no heating and end up at my mums (alcoholic) after not seeing her for years, she ghosts me over random stuff then rings me crying saying she loves me and would be with me if stuff was not happening in her life.
I get a bit better and come back to the city in my van sleeping near parks etc, the night i get back i meet my friend (an ex, I'm a lesbian what can i say) who sees my phone flashing and her texts to me, she can't believe that that's how she speaks to me. I ask r if I'll see her tonight, she messages me as I'm parked up a while out the city demanding i come fuck her and leave my dog alone in the van. I feel like shit but then do what she wants the following night after not having slept, our relationship becomes me coming over and cooking for her and fucking her on demand.. At this point I'm barely sleeping each night, waiting for her to message me or up from the cold. one night i say no and that she has no respect for me, the next day I say we need to chat- she's mean over text and is all about what just tell me over text, so i tell her i think she has zero respect for me and it hurts. she brushes it off but later sees me walk past her salon and then ends up coming into the shop where i go with my friend and grabs my hand. Later she sees me again whilst djing (across the road from her salon) and messages me and asks if i like her croptop i tell her ofc she looks amazing, she says she'll come chat to me later. She doesn't so i sleep until she turns up at my van at midnight wrecked. I come out and ask her wtf she is doing but she just grabs me and kisses me and throws me against the park railings and tells me to come to hers so i follow her, we start having sex and i freak out and she tells me she loves me to which i only reply 'sure'. she jumps out of the bed and starts screaming at me to get out if i don't think she loves me, i move to get up but then she presses me down and doesn't let me leave nor does she let me sleep and shakes me trying to get me to talk but I've shut down.
The next day I wake having had one hour sleep feeling terrible. i go down on r and bring her to orgasm she bucks into my nose and i bleed everywhere, a sad trail of red leading to the bathroom.. she sits me on the edge of the bath and cleans me up, we shower together and i watch my blood mix with the water. Later in r’s kitchen she picks me up and sits me on her counter (I'm p tall 5'8 but tinnyyy 47kg and she's 6ft curvy af and strong) and strokes my hair tries to speak to me but i can't hear anything i feel so done and hurt and terrified to lose her, it's like my self worth has become reliant on her because idk she's so powerful in the area i live and is so mean about everyone and if she's not mean about me then maybe I'm not so bad right? I know - bpd right?
Anyways i go to my van and change and r comes in and gives me my stuff that i had at hers i tell her i don't want it and throw it out… I was feeling rejected I guess?.. she's laughing at me an I'm so embarrassed i throw my clothes into the street I'm crazy, feel ridiculous and small and sick and ashamed i want her not to see me like that. She storms off and tells me I'll never see her again if I do that again so I follow her (she wants to go a walk) and she screams at me in public all around the park and i try to calm her. By the time we get back to hers I'm apologising telling her it woulave completely lost my d be a shame to waste our connection and i love her. I have completely lost myself, I'm a different person from when she met me. I have no where to go but go to my friends who tells me she's worried about me and that someone shouldn't be treating me that way. The woman just sends me romantic songs and i tell her i think the other night was inappropriate, she admits that it was and says we can never talk about it again.
I start going crazy- messaging weirdly when she doesn't reply, clingy like, r tells me she doesn't think about me doesn't care about me. I'm not sleeping still and in the morning i tell her that i think she needs therapy etc if she thinks that this is love because it should feel good and it should be an action not just some intense feeling she has and that i am so confused because she treats her friends so nicely and yet the person she is in love with like a dog or an enemy and i think she's amazing but maybe we should be friends if her behaviour doesn't change cause i don't want to lose her.. She is obviously mad with me and tells me she completely fell for me but can't have a relationship (not my point). We were meant to have a date that night as r was going to Mexico the next day but she cancels because of my behaviour.. i ask to go and get my records then so i go to the salon- with her favourite chocz (ikr I'm full psycho at this point) and she's angry but we make out loads in the back street.. she says she'll meet me later, I'm a mess getting ready and think I'll be late so don't get fuel for my van (so no heating), i turn up and she's still working but invites me in i try and wait but my mum keeps ringing saying she's suicidal.. she finally finishes cutting the persons hair 2 hours after i turn up... and we make out loads in the salon, but shes mean, shes hungry so i take her for food she holds my hand down the street and leans her head on my shoulder as she eats i walk her to her car and she tells me that's it i kiss her loads and ask her to drive me back and she agrees I'm trying not to cry as she drops me off and she asks me why do i care so much about it. i kiss her and she drives off. i try and sleep on my friends couch but it's so cold. I message her and joke how she's going to go through all my texts laughing with her business partner - she's like wtf.. (she told me she'd done that with ex partners texts and I'm so paranoid all the time at this point), she tells me something has happened and she has to stop texting i apologise and say i;ll message in the morning...
She's so mad with me still in the morning and the communication is fucked, she's mad i just want to be friends and everything else, but of course, i want to be with her and not just be friends, i'd really do anything. I ask if i can leave her a letter because everything i text is misconstrued. She says yes so i write her a letter telling her how i feel and apologising, i feel like i really love her, she's such a strong character and so interesting and so fierce with so many idiosyncrasies and mad music knowledge and that i want to be in her life in any capacity that i can, i mean it but I'm so so fucked up at this point and i'd had a long term relationship but like it wasn't like this.. the intensity, it was really nice and so loving, but it was very different from this, despite the pain of it no one had ever said such amazing things to me and i'd never had sex like that / so much in common musically etc.... I'm so hurt and just think i should try move on, i go and sleep with someone straight away. the next day she messages me whilst on her way to to the airport, telling me the letter made her cry - because it's sad and that all she wants to do is be in my arms, i tell r i love her and r says she feels the same, but I'm stupid i try and date other people whilst she's in mexico. The stupidest idea, I’m so so mentally ill at this point, not sleeping and pushing my body to the absolute limits at work and to nail the coffin.. start taking street valium to try and sleep.. i tell r about going on dates, i always told her before because i want to be open about that and she encouraged my dating other people (but i have like sexual trauma so it's difficult for me, but i don't mind her dating) she gets jealous of one person i date (a)… A instantly clings on to me and by then myself esteem is so done i think everyone can just take what they want from me and I give it despite a year ago knowing full well I would have ran a million miles from someone like a.. and this is really horrible.. but i wasn't even really attracted to a and i missed and loved the r so badly, but a kept demanding me to come fuck her very similar to the way r did, but obvs I loved r, so I did go an fuck a even when I didn’t want to. Whilst a is in Mexico she sends me highly sexual messages again and of course I'm so hooked, i wake up to voice notes from r telling me she loves me that she wants to do everything with me, to read to her to go travelling, to do all these mad adventurous things etc and that when she gets back she needs to see me straight away and it'll be different this time we'll do sober things etc etc. at this point I'm flat sitting a friends flat so i finally have somewhere to stay - although only for a bit..
R arrives back and I'm so excited to see her, i don't want to fuck up this time and i want to be good for her, she also has regular lovers so maybe it's good that i now have someone else as well.. when r finally gets to the place I'm staying she's two hours late and she's full of mezcal telling me about a half a million property she's going to buy (what about wanting to get land like me). I'm cooking for her and we're making small talk but she just jumps on me and tells me to get into the bedroom so i do. she pushes me on the bed and tries to fuck me (again something i can have problems with cause past trauma) she hurts me so i tell her and she laughs and stops rather than asking what i want. I've never seen her so turned on, like, her clit is SWOLLEN anyways we have a LOT of sex for hours and hours can't stop touching each other telling each other how much we love each other, and i talk about the woman I'm dating and the sex... because i found it interesting because i struggle with casual sex / not having feelings for people who i sleep with but managing to have good sex with that person sometimes without having feelings (fucking for pleasure, as noted smth I struggle wi cause of trauma), i don't really remember chatting about it (she tells me the next day how inappropriate that is).. anyways it feels p fucking magical to be back with r and the next day she sees me running my errands whilst she's in her salon and asks me to get her for her lunch so i do and she comes up to the flat i'm staying in and we make out but then she becomes nasty to me - making fun of my clothes and then asking if i only like her for sex (very confusing as she always jumps on me when i'd much rather go and fucking do smth fun...). She tells me off for talking about a (very fair what a twat I am) and i'm mortified, i apologise so much and tell r maybe i was trying to show off or smth but i don't remember too well because i would never want to hurt her, i'm so desperate to make it work this time.. I move in with my close friend and I stop fawning over her so much, confused by the hot and cold.. I go and stay with people and I text her the same as always but I just seem to annoy her…
R sleeps with someone I know she doesn’t even like and I’m upset - what are we doing to each other!? I try to communicate this but everything I do annoys her, when I’m invited to a cottage with an and her friends I go, just for a night. Whilst there r starts phoning me manically asking to come over and that she needs to sleep next to me, but I tell her I’m out, not where, I should’ve said where I know.. been honest.. r sends loads of messages, I should just go and ring her but for some reason I don’t because I’m so anxious, I just text her I’m so sorry I’m away id love to be with her but we need to start arranging things rather than her expecting me to just drop everything there and then all the time - I honestly thought about driving my big van 2 hours back just to be there for her and I wish I had.. I say I’ll see her as soon as I’m back but it goes on at this place, I hate it I want to be with her.
When I get back the next day I cook r a massive meal and we try and watch a film.. I have no tv and no laptop just a shite iPad. I obviously can’t concentrate on it and it annoys r.. we have sex and she tells me she loves me but I don’t reply, I just stare confused… she says she needs to go and stay in her own bed, I ask if she wants company but she says no, so she goes. But she tells me to come in to the salon on valentines day to get my hair done..
I’m pretty ill at this point again and food isn’t going well with me and just super mentally unstable with everything going on and staking street valium each night.. it’s my pals birthday and I’m so anxious around everyone I get completely black out, take loads of drugs. My dog runs away and she is texting me maniacally I’m on the st tripping balls looking for my dog , I run to the park (past her salon) she sees me and runs out and grabs me I immediately have a panic attack and collapse, her staff bring me water and she comes out and calls my friends who come and get me, she messages me asking if I’m okay. I apologise not realising the gravity of the situation. Later she (rightfully) doesn’t want to talk to me when I try.. I lose my shit, she isn’t going to cut my hair, I accuse her of manipulating me, lying (she was always lying tbh and I knew it but just turned a blind eye) and not loving me, just using me for sex, complete psychotic drool. I don’t remember any of it, I was FULL of Xanax and everything else. I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m sick realising what I did, I ring her trying to apologise, of course she won’t speak to me, so I apologise profusely. She won’t see me again. I get it I’m awful, so awful, but I’m so full of panic.
I accept that she doesn’t want to see me but I get covid and keep filling with panic and sending her apologies ( I think on two occasions) and getting really cruel responses. I then pour my heart out, all romantic, the way she used to talk to me (I know I’m mortified) and she calls me disgusting and to focus on someone else (which hurt because my problem is I struggle with focus on someone because I’m so damn scatty/ avoidant a lot of the time, probs why I fell so hard for her because I couldn’t NOT focus on he be drawn and obsessed with her). I’m terrified of walking my dog certain ways and passing her salon worried she’ll accuse me of stalking because I messaged so many times to apologise.. if I do pass with friends she stares out at me..
But then she comes and talks to me on the street and says she will see me soon (she’d always say this when she sort of ended smth, to tell me it wasn’t really over in her code) so I thought it would be like all the other times she’s be annoyed and mess with other people then call me in crying again. So I message r and suggest a walk - she blocks me. I’m so mentally ill now, can’t go down the street and have panic attacks daily that my life is ruined, hurting someone like that and being so mean and also what she will be saying to people, people look at me differently like I’m mad (she got her ex barred from an art studios, another is seen as an abuser and has called other stalkers/ crazy). It was also (pure vanity) horrifying knowing everyone would think I was this evil crazy person.. so I’d try and stay out of her way but sadly struggle as her salon is on the main Street and I couldn’t keep making my friends walk a different way (they thought I was mad too). I continue seeing a for a 2 weeks but its too much so I ask for space but she then tells me she loves me and it feels too much like what I’d just been through (why am I now creating a new pattern)… I’m so lonely and fucked up and mad and weird that A continually gets back in because my boundaries are so poor and I’m so mentally ill and probably confusing her a lot :(. I go in and out of utter panic and trying to quit the st valium and relapsing. R sees me at gigs and sometimes tries to come up but I always freak out and have a panic attack, she comes out the salon when I walk by and goes smiles and tries to talk to my friends whilst ignoring me..
I go through homelessness again and a puts me up in her big flat she lives in alone (as a friend), but it’s such an odd situation because she keeps trying to initiate sex.. I see the salon shut for ages and get a weird feeling this is months later… July?… Just before R’s birthday.. I decide to message if she’s okay, the message goes through on iMessage so maybe I’m just blocked on WhatsApp idk? No answer.. I’m so manic not sleeping I take loads and loads of valium to try and shut my brain off and down gin, I’m on my own as A has gone away in the massive flat a st away from r’s and a st away from the salon everything is so fucking close.. anyways I go crazy from all the Valiums and somehow convince myself that if I just talk to r and tell her I mean no harm she will stop saying stuff about me and just be normal to me when we bump into each other. I go crazy ring loads. When she answers she goes hysterical screaming at me and laughing hysterically and calling me all these things. She hangs up and I ring and ring and leave nonsense drugged up voice notes like ‘does it make u feel powerful being so mean..’ Etc. I’m such an idiot I feel so bad for acting so odd and traumatised I decide to write to her and give her my favourite book I think about putting it in the post but she lives down the st so I think it’s an acceptable thing to leave it outside. When I get there she’s sat outside with her pals… she sees me and is like ‘hi.. what do you want’ I say I have something for her she just replies ‘sound’ so I give her the book and letters and she bursts out laughing..
I meet someone later (o) and then it turns out r was also trying to fuck them whilst with me and told a bunch of lies.. I go to a gay club with O and as soon as I walk in R is there, she just waves at me and I jump out of my skin. Fuck. I go over and I apologise profusely saying I’m having a manic episode and it’s no excuse (it really is no excuse - I’m aware my behaviour is fucked) but I say can I have a hug and she holds me, when I pull away she grabs me and puts her hand under my top whilst telling me she needs ‘space’ from me tonight and to leave, but that the letter was ‘sweet’. The letter was also like.. asking what the protocol was because I didn’t want to be accused of doing other disrespectful things - I’d been a prick and really shat on her boundaries apologising when she didn’t want to hear from me then going fuckin’ nuts and ringing her months later, but it was also cause I didn’t know if it was bad walking past the salon and how to avoid it or whether I was allowed/ should say hello - we WERE in love? I’ve never had to like idk police myself after being so entwined with someone, them knowing everything about me… and I just felt so ashamed of my actions and selfishly wanted to make up for it even though I knew that the only way to make up for it is to not apologise.. but ye I guess its also my life. R is involved in everything music, fashion, writing.. so I really wanted to be on like semi okay terms, but it was just completely fucked up of me trying to force that on a person and I truly am ashamed and have just been doing so much therapy since.
I did just about get myself on my feet, I got a council flat, got in to do my post grad, was playing music and had a gig lined up (smth I was nervous about again because r is friends with the gig organisers and other musicians involved) and then I had a serious rock climbing accident - smashed my left arm up pretty bad, had a lush two week stay in the hospital, two operations and a bunch of metal plates put in - it was a hard recovery as I’m so active usually and my council flat is like a st away from r’s salon and everyone who knows her in the queer scene and ye I walk out my flat and just get funny looks now because of it.. R did come and talk to me on the st one day after my accident I went to turn away but there was nowhere to go, so, idk it probably looked mental as but I put on my big grin and tried to just feel love and no animosity for her and just tried to chat normally and made a bunch of jokes and also apologised again, said I feel guilty and I think about what I did all the time, she told me to ‘let it go’ and made fun of my cast and chaos, kind of infantilising and kinda treated me like I was gross and bring up stuff that she knew would make me feel awful…
I pulled through my accident and even got a modelling contract with a pretty big agency, got funded to work on a film and started my postgrad.. but then things still happen all the time, a photographer blocks me, guess what, they’re friends with r. Two people working on the film, friends with R and I just feel weird around them, my friends ask me to go to events… r is djing. my best friend starts djing at the radio station r dis at and wants me to get involved but I know I can’t even though I’m friends with the person that runs the radio station. If I were to, r would get me banned and say it was to get to them or smth, which is not true, at this point I wish I could be as far away from them as possible. I’m scared to go and see my favourite musicians play as I always suspect r will be there as we have the same taste… scared to go to certain pubs I always went to.. before I met r I would spend days off at a cafe right by her salon and just read/ catch up on admin.. I’m too nervous now as she’ll again say it’s stalking/ her friends will think that too. My favourite food place was also next to her salon. I literally love the days it’s shut and I can just go down the main st like a normal person, funny thing is that’s the only time I ever see her other ex who is also too scared to go down the main st… it’s been so long now but I’m still crippled with anxiety, I know that she now has a partner so I thought maybe she might idk be full of love and evened out a bit, but she’s still trying to like talk to my friends.. and I know for a fact going around telling people I’m crazy, I tell myself it’s in my head that she’s doing this but then something happens.
I’m so young I just want to be happy, i make new friends and then if they make a move on me I freak out, can’t have sex at all, can’t be intimate. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like this. I guess I’m scared I’ll be awful to someone else like I was to R. And I know that my low self-esteem isn’t all due to R at all, if anything she built me up more than anyone else ever had… but I keep putting it on her in my mind and it’s obsessive and fucked up. I own a bit of land with a group of anarchist, working class queers now and we’re building huts to make a community - I’m on disability for my arm and the severity of my ‘ADHD’ and have so much opportunity to just write and try and make something of myself but I’m still so full of panic by the proximity. One of my other best friends good friend is close friends with R and so we can’t hang out together. They are creating a pop up poety/ wine night (I write poetry) so my pal wants me to be there desperately but I know r will be there and her friends who all think I’m an evil crazy bitch from hell. Which, I guess I am, but I’m trying not to be and treating me like shit forever and spreading things on top of the crazy shit I did which are fundamentally not true is just so difficult and makes me feel like I have to move away… I’m pretty sure after all this and my mind letting it continue that I definitely have BPD, all the symptoms are there but my mental health team just think it’s severe ADHD and possibly CPTSD and I just need to stick to my medication regimen (yay stimulants) and stay off of valium - I am!! But idk, everytime I think I’m doing something good I get scared that r will find out and tear it down.. it sucks, I have a lot of love and respect for her and wish I hadn’t done what I did but I did and I can’t change it.. so I guess I deserve it completely. But still, it’s difficult to make something of myself even though I deserve this..
Has anyone had a similar situation? any advice?

On November 30, 2022 my eldest daughter, Alex, suddenly passed away in her sleep. She had special needs (learning disability, possibly autistic but a doctor said she wasn't, cerebral palsy) and had an epileptic disorder called Lennox-Gastaut. In the most basic description, Lennox-Gastaut is a childhood onset seizure disorder that could also explain other developmental delays. She had her first seizure at 10 years old so I don't know if it affected her, but this is going off into the weeds I guess. But also because of these things, she was a natural manipulator and when that didn't work, she could be a bully. When she was good, she was an amazing kid, always dreaming beyond her abilities and thought of others. When she was in a mood, it was not pleasant. But through it all she graduated high school and was starting to have dreams she could accomplish given her station in life. And then at 23 she went to sleep and never woke up. She was living in a group home with a nursing staff and they had checked on her at midnight and she was sleeping on her stomach. Not necessarily unheard of, but not common. The night before she had done so and when they tried to move her, she woke up and seized, so the nurse took note, checked her breathing and everything was ok. By 2am, the next rounds time, she was gone. So we think she had a seizure and couldn't clear her airway and suffocated in the post-ictal phase (which for her could be up to 20mins). She didn't have any sensors or anything to alert the staff since her seizures were generally sporadic. That's the most we got, coroners said it was her seizure disorder combined with her CP.
I thought, given how difficult life had been with her as she grew into adulthood (around 15 was when the behavior problems started and they got worse after 18) that I'd be ok after a while. My dad died in 2019 and that threw me for a loop, but when my daughter died it was like the lights went out. But then things appeared to be getting better. We'd make jokes about what she would do in certain situations, and we laughed at some of the good memories; those signs that healing is occurring. Then one night, I rolled over in bed and felt short of breath and that turned into a full blown panic attack. There's been a few nights where I think about what she experienced, going to sleep like any other night and then...whatever comes next when we die, and I find myself trying to shut my brain off so I can sleep.
She loved holidays, especially those with fun rituals. St Patrick's day was one. She would go out of her way to wear green (except the last couple years in school where she couldn't be bothered to wear green if she wanted to wear some other outfit) and she'd make sure all of us were. She got so mad when I got a tattoo with green in it and when I didn't have any green clothing on, I'd say "Well you can't pinch me, I have my tattoo." But every St. Patrick's Day morning for years she'd say "Don't pinch me dad!" whether she had green on or not, and whether I was teasing her about it. A couple of weeks ago I was walking around Walmart and saw a shirt that said "Don't pinch me!" on it and almost lost it. There been other times where it's been this kick in the gut out of nowhere; I've started calling them "Alex Moments".
But the realization I had the other day was that, unlike when my dad died, I'm not really ok yet. I thought I was, I was functioning. I figured it was because of all the bad times, made it easier to focus on the good as a way to celebrate her. We never had a service because there's not a lot of people that would be there and given her personality, she'd hate people being sad for her so why plan a somber event? But I can't shake her death. I can see her face, lying there in the bed waiting for the funeral home (because the Coroners somehow decided they didn't need to be involved at first). I can hear my wife's scream when we got the call at almost 3am (after the fire department got done and the house could actually step away to call; free from their own shock and sadness). And I just haven't gotten past that yet. I think this is normal, but I want to experience what I did with my dad. I want to not focus on death and be able to sleep not being irrationally afraid of following her in my sleep.
I want to be ok.
I have to be ok for my wife and other kids, because we are mostly alone, and so I pretend. But I don't want to have to pretend. I know I will be ok, I guess I'm just impatient and tired of not being ok.
Anyway, that's all. I had to get it off my chest to someone who did not share the grief so I could be not-ok and not suck them down with me. So thanks for reading.

Our 18-, almost 19-month old used to sleep through the night. Bedtime routine started at 7:30 with his bath, bedtime story, bottle, bed routine and him falling asleep between 8 and 9 p.m. sleeping through the night till we wake him up at 6:15 to get him ready for daycare. Lately he's been going through a major bout of sleep regression, most likely due to the time change falling in the same week when the daycare was closed due to Spring Break, so his whole routine was just off.
We are slowly dealing with the sleep regression, hoping it gets better, but now we are wondering if we did wrong by him (and ourselves by extension) by getting him used to falling asleep in our arms before we set him in his crib. Even though he's older, we are thinking of trying the fade out method (e.g., putting him down before he's fully asleep, patting his back for a bit, then reducing the amount of time we spend patting and soothing till he's used to falling asleep on his own). The question is: Will this work considering he's older than the recommended 4- to 6-months?
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Any advice would be greatly appreciated.