Denver bed and breakfasts

We've been together for almost a dozen years now, and she's really amazing to have been able to bear with me for all those years ;)
The one issue I have been struggling of late -- and, looking back, the scary thing is that it seems to be getting worse each year --, is how sensitive I get to random meaningless shit, such a joke, or small acts of omission/procrastination, for no good reason, really.
Just to give an example of how silly it is. A few days ago, she was in bed, with a book on her lap, but closed, and I assumed she was ready to sleep, so I simply turned off the lights without asking before sneaking under the covers myself. She then said something about me being a controlling freak who controls even when she gets to get asleep, which was a joke, as she told me later on. However, as soon as she said it, I got all anxious and guilty, as I agree I was controlling and inconsiderate in not asking her before turning off the lights.
Because of this very minor incident, everything felt off for the following day or two. It's somewhat hard to explain in words how "off" it feels, but it's like I have the nagging perception she's faking, whatever she's doing. For instance, if she says it's a joke, it feels like she's lying -- even though I perfectly well understand that she's saying the truth. Then, when she tries to touch me or to cuddle, it feels like she really doesn't want to, but does it out of obligation -- again it is a weird perception, that I know for a fact not be based on anything real.
Now, because of this false perception -- and even though I know it is false --, I feel so awkward that I cannot make myself to act normal, so I tend to avoid her as I won't be able to respond normally. I know that is not healthy, but acting lovingly, when I have this nagging perception that the other person doesn't "really" care about me is very hard for me.
I know this is all on me, and I wonder if anyone has similar stupid feelings, and what did you do about them? Should I simply fake everything is OK so not to bother her? I guess my problem is that I'm generally really bad at acting/faking things, and I've always been weary of introducing deception into a relationship. But white lies don't hurt from time to time, don't they?
tl;dr: Feel disconnected from partner for no good reason from time to time. Should I play along like nothing happened to avoid distressing her?

Part 60
Julie Allard, CEO, Divine Crisis Management Group
Julie straightened up, the lines across her hips from the edge of the desk beginning to itch now that they were free. Bill collapsed back in his chair, opening a desk drawer to produce a box of tissues. He pulled a handful out to clean himself with.
"That was good," Julie purred, her knees shaking as she waited for Bill to finish so she could sit on his lap. Bill crumbled up the tissues and she plopped down. "Mmm, this is good, too," she said, leaning back against him.
"We could stay just like this for a while," Bill suggested.
"I wish," Julie said. "I'm going to start leaking soon... And we need to clean your desk." Bill leaned around her, seeing the mess on his desk. He chuckled. "I have to admit, I like the fact that I never have to worry about you faking it."
Julie snorted, then leaned against him.
"You gave me a funny look earlier," she said. "When the guys from the Army were here."
"Well, in my defense, a naked, beautiful woman stood up from under my desk while I was trying to talk shop with an old buddy of mine."
"Mmmhmm," Julie said. "It didn't have anything to do with the... Details of said naked woman?"
Bill looked at her. He reached forward, wiped a finger through the cooling bodily fluids on the desk and stuck it in his mouth.
"That only proves you're a pervert," Julie said with feigned primness.
"I'll drink it straight from the tap, then," Bill said, seizing her hips and plopping her on the desk. Julie squealed. "Not so soon, you ass!" Bill grinned at her.
"You'll make me giggle like a little girl," Julie tried to pout as she said it, but she couldn't stop grinning back at him.
"That only makes it more appealing," Bill said. Julie crossed her legs. "No! We can do that later. I need to go call in the rest of the guys your friend needed, anyways."
Bill glanced over at the potted plant with a small pile of fabric behind it. "Your clothes are over there," he said.
Julie finally managed to pout. "You're not going to get them for me?"
Bill eyed her legs. "Not as long as you've got that ass, no. I will never pick anything up off the floor for you."
Julie chuckled and stood, walking over to the plant and retrieving her clothes. She quickly dressed and arranged herself so as to minimize the evidence of a desktop tryst.
"How do I look?" she asked, turning for Bill's inspection.
"Harried," he said. "Which tracks with what's been going on. Also amazing, but that's par for the course."
She walked over as he finished buckling his own pants to kiss him. "I'll be back if I can. If not, I'll see you after work."
She turned to leave, but stopped when she heard Bill's voice. "Julie," he said. He sounded concerned. She turned to find him frowning.
"What is it?" His look worried her.
"It's Jerry," he said. "I think you might be too harsh on him."
Julie sighed. She tamped down on the twisting in her guts at his words and reminded herself that she needed to be objective.
"Explain," she said, her voice much colder than she intended.
"Julie," he said. "Haven't you noticed that virtually everyone who knows him has stood up for him? I mean, I know that the stuff Dylan told you sounds bad, and I know that you confirmed it. Hell, I know that him going rogue again looks bad... But there's got to be a reason so many people support him."
"He's nice to everyone he meets," Julie said. She had intended to go on, but she caught herself. She was making excuses. She was about to claim that the most awkward, easily-embarrassed wallflower of a man she'd ever met had simply charmed everyone else. And she damn well knew that wasn't the case. Sure, he could turn on an aura that would make women -and presumably gay men- go wild for him, but she was fairly certain he hadn't done so in years. He was self-conscious about even discussing the last time he had, even though she knew he'd had his memories erased at the time and was acting out of character, thanks to some kind of magical illness.
"I'll think about it, Bill," she said, her voice much softer.
"That's all I'm asking," he said. "And I'll support you, whatever decisions you come to."
She smiled at him. That part, she had no trouble believing.
"I'll see you later," she said.
"L- I mean, later, beautiful," he replied. His face twisted a little, but quickly returned to normal. Julie left, wondering what that look was about.
----
Julie went to the bathroom first. When she was done, she went to her office and sent out the emails to recall the men for the Army. She had just gotten those sent when she sensed a presence and looked up to find a woman sitting in the chair in front of her desk.
"Hello," Julie said, surprised.
"Hi," the woman responded. She wore a nice dress suit, much like Julie's own, except the woman still had her jacket on and buttoned. She had fair features and black hair with a red stripe in it.
"Can I help you?" Julie asked.
"No," the woman said.
They sat there for a moment, Julie edging a finger closer to the alarm rune on the underside of her desk.
"I'm here to help you," the woman said at length. There was something about her voice that seemed familiar, but Julie couldn't place it.
"Okay," Julie responded. "Can you explain how?"
"Yes. Listen to Bill about Jerry," the woman said. She leaned forward and the sense of vague familiarity hit Julie again. She was certain she knew this woman from somewhere.
"What did Bill say about Jerry?" Julie asked, carefully choosing her words to avoid any accidental admissions.
"That you're being too harsh on him," the woman said. She leaned forward some more, putting her elbows on her knees.
"Bill's right. You see, Bill is a very confident man. He's aware that other men might be better in bed, or better fighters, or better at their jobs than him. He doesn't really care. You pushing away Jerry isn't going to make him feel more secure in your relationship. He's not worried about you leaving him to return to the arrangement you had with Jerry and his wife. He knows you well enough to know you wouldn't want that. Being a fifth wheel, I mean."
Julie gasped as the recognition suddenly crystalized. "Jane," she breathed. Jane flashed her a tight smile and a little nod. "more or less," she said cryptically. Julie took that to mean this was an avatar.
"What can you tell me about everything that's happened?" Julie asked.
"Well, General Stanley's fears are justified, so don't hold back aiding him. Some of the gods are dissenting. A few will sit out the upcoming conflict. A few will side with humanity. A few more will side specifically with Jerry. In fact, they already have. Unfortunately, those who've sided with Jerry are probably not going to help us in this fight."
"And why? Why are they turning on us?"
"Because They're afraid of you. You have power now, and Jerry worked out a way to kill a god. They know if he can do it, another human can, as well. Some of the work your wizards are doing is shockingly close to what Jerry did. Most of them have turned against him, though not all. But in doing so, many have turned against humanity as a whole. They don't plan to let you have back the army you've sent to assist them. Most of them think that will be a serious blow to your might. They don't know it's just a small part of one army among many. And when they learn that, well... They're not going to grow any less afraid of you, that's for sure."
"You make out like the gods are a bunch of cowards," Julie said. Jane chuckled and nodded, crossing her arms.
"They are. They're scared of Jerry, scared of Sarisa, scared of you, scared of me and Yarm. Mostly me, but still. They'd be afraid of their own shadow, if they didn't know better. The gods have spent thousands of years being immortal and invincible. Only one god has ever truly died, and that was a massive fluke. They've never been given the chance to develop any courage. They're experiencing a threat for the first time ever, so their reaction is to attack everything until there's nothing left to threaten them."
"Except Yarm," Julie said. Jane nodded. "Except Yarm. And you can guess where he stands."
Yarm would stand with Jerry, no doubt. Julie knew that the two of them were as close as they could be without becoming lovers. "And what about Jerry?" she asked.
"Jerry is doing exactly what he needs to be doing right now. For himself, and for everyone else."
Julie nodded, taking that in. "And you? Where do you sit in this fight?"
Jane shrugged. "I was human until a few years ago. Old loyalties die hard."
Julie leaned back in her chair, relieved.
Jane stood. "I have to go. I have a lot on my plate, lately. There's no certainty, but I want you to know that things are on the right track, so far. As long as Sarisa doesn't have any more tricks up her sleeve, everything's going to work out."
"And if she does?" Julie asked, rising as well.
Jane shrugged again, making a sort of sneer that Julie recognized as a suppressed wince. "Then we'll either adapt or lose."
"And what happens if we lose?"
"The destruction of all the gods and the extinction of humanity. At least in this world."
"So, no pressure," Julie drawled. Jane grinned. "No pressure," she said. She turned to the door and opened it, then paused.
"Oh, one more thing..." She met Julie's eyes.
"Tell Bill that you're in love with him. He's been itching for 'the right time' to tell you, but you know how men are about that kind of stuff."
Julie gaped at the goddess as she left with a wink. A moment later, she returned to her computer and began typing more emails. She had a feeling that pulling out all the stops might be appropriate.
----
Command Sergeant Major Eric Hale, 5th Special Forces Group
"The president will see you now, Sergeant," the marine guard said. Hale stood and walked in. Hale walked into the conference room to find the POTUS and a Navy Admiral shaking hands.
"Thank you, Fred," the President said. The Admiral nodded and walked out as Hale snapped to attention and saluted his Commander in Chief.
"Knock it off," the President told him, pulling out a chair, and then walking around the table to take one opposite. "Take a seat. I've been on my feet all day."
"Thank you, sir," Hale said as he sat down and scooted his chair in.
"I'm told you have a message for me from General Stanley."
Hale nodded. "Yes, sir. I was to give you his message verbatim. It goes as follows: 'Sir, if this shit goes down and we don't throw everything we have at it in one big mass, right off the bat, I do not think we will survive'. End of message."
The President nodded.
"I expected this, you know," he said. "The folks from the DCM -including that guy from the television show and the woman who produces it- were fairly apocalyptic in their description of events."
The President heaved a big sigh. "That was Admiral Strang. He happened to be in the building, so he personally reported to me that the second and third battalion of the Tenth Special Forces just arrived stateside on naval flights. They're preparing to be deployed as we speak."
"Sir, with all due respect, I think we're going to need more than just two more battalions of quiet professionals. We're going to need a complete mobilization. I just came from the DCM, and they promised me a hundred wizards and over four hundred shooters with magic gear. I think we're going to need more, sir. A lot more."
"A total war footing," the President said. "That's what you're talking about. A return to a World-War-Two era economy."
"Sir, I couldn't speak to economic concerns, but I have the upmost faith in the General's judgement."
"You and me both, Sergeant," the President said with a sigh. He sighed again a moment later.
"Okay, Sergeant. My break is over, I need to get moving. You can tell the General I'm doing everything I can. If you want to return to the waiting room, I'll send a Marine to escort you to the helipad and you can take the chopper over to Fort Carson. I'll send instructions for Colonels Macy and Gibbs to follow your lead."
"Thank you, sir," Hale said, standing up. He snapped another salute, but the President stuck out his hand.
"Thank you, Sergeant. You and every single one of the men out there right now, and all of those heading there today and in the future. Your service is an inspiration to all of us. I know you hear empty platitudes from politicians all the time, but I want to personally assure you that I mean it."
"You served yourself, sir," Hale said, shaking the President's hand.
"I did. In Afghanistan. It seems like forever ago."
"Then thank you, Mister President," Hale said. The President laughed.
"Yeah, thank me, too. Go on. I'm a busy man, Sergeant."
Hale hurried out, back to the waiting room. He had barely sat down before a Marine Gunnery Sergeant walked into the room. "Sergeant Hale?" he asked.
Hale stood. "This way, si- Sergeant," the Marine said.
"Do I have to say it, Gunny?" Hale asked.
"Nope," the Marine responded. "I'm kicking myself already."
----
President James Carter
James' staff met him as he left the conference room. "Okay," he asked Marcy, to his left. "Who's next?"
"Director Stillman, sir," she said. James sighed with relief. "Good. Hopefully he's got some good news for us."
He followed Marcy through the halls, to one of the secured meeting rooms. Inside, he found Frank Stillman, Director of Central Intelligence.
"Frank, please tell me you've got good news," James said as he shook his old friend's hand.
"Well, that depends on what you need the news for. Word is that we're going to war. Like World War Three. Is that true?"
"Jesus, you guys work fast," James breathed. "I literally just came from hearing about it."
"Ways and means, sir," Frank said. James chuckled ruefully.
"So yeah, I wanted to know about project Hoplite."
"Hoplite is ahead of schedule. We can field the first cadre, already. The second will be ready in a month."
"Good. What about project, uh..." James snapped his fingers. "Project Merlos, sir?"
"Yes, I could never remember that name. We should have just called it 'Merlin'. Or maybe 'Gandalf'."
"We almost called it Project Dresden, sir, but we've had one of those already."
"I don't even want to know. So how far along is Merlos?"
"We have four cadres ready right now. That's about three hundred and sixty men."
"That'll be a big help. How fast can they get organized?"
"They're prepping now, sir. They'll be ready to go within the hour. I had planned to have them travel ahead."
"Good, good. And you know I have to ask about the last one."
Frank's face split into a grin. "Project Tarragon, sir."
"That's the one."
Frank's grin grew wider. "Six," he said. James' jaw dropped. "Six?!"
"Yes, sir. Ready to go right this instant."
"Shit, the NRF riders must be fast learners."
"There's a sort of bonding that happens. By training the riders first, we can have another two ready two months from the next hatch."
"You look pretty pleased with yourself," James noted. Frank winked. "I am, sir. These projects have been my baby for the past few years. Having them come to fruition right as they're needed, well... I'm eager to see them in action."
"Don't be too eager. I'm told that if we don't win this one, we go extinct."
"Extinction has shades of gray, sir. If things get too bad, well, we've got a plan for that, too."
"Oh?" James quirked an eyebrow at him. "Do tell."
"Well, sir. You see, me and Jerry go way back. I was his boss when he worked for the Agency."
"I'm aware," James said. Frank smiled.
"Well, he and I got on quite well. So well, in fact, that neither of us wanted to end our professional relationship when he left for the private sector. As a result, we've been in touch about important matters. The last thing he contacted me about was a sort of extra dimensional bunker, set up by the gods to preserve humanity in the event of some extinction-level event. Except the gods don't really seem to know about it. Well, except one, and I've been given assurances that she's sympathetic to our cause."
"Well, that does sound useful."
Frank's smile turned into a grin that split his face from ear to ear. "We've also taken the liberty of adding some extra defenses, sir. If we can hold out for two more months, in addition to the two new Tarragon pairs, I can provide you with a bunker from which any continuing war effort can be directed in perfect safety."
"Well, shit, don't let me keep you, then. Have your project's soldiers travel to the other side as quickly as possible, and report their capabilities and needs to General Stanley."
"Right away, sir."
Frank walked out without another word. A very efficient man, that one, James thought. He stepped outside to find Marcy and the others waiting.
"Next?" he said with a sigh.
----
Bill Martin, All in All, Having a Pretty Good Day
Bill finished up the rest of his work and shut down his computer. Eric was as set as he could be. Gear for a thousand DCM security agents was being shipped to the Army camp, and hundreds of wizards and security agents (with their own gear, of course) were heading there as well, some already moving, others heading out in the days to come.
He stretched his back and then angled his desk lamp to be sure he'd cleaned up the mess from earlier. As he nodded to himself in satisfaction, he heard the door opening and looked up. Julie was there, her shirt half-unbuttoned and her hair a bit more of a mess than he remembered leaving it in.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"Yes, just..." She sighed. "It's been a long day."
"I rather enjoyed lunch," Bill said. "Though I'm still hungry, for some reason..." Julie smiled at him.
"You know, there's probably no-one left in the office who might come knocking..." Bill said, suggestively.
"I know," Julie said, indicating her shirt. "But before we get to that, I need you to do something. In a professional capacity, I mean."
Bill's eager grin faded, replaced by his business expression, which some people tended to find intimidating for some reason. He scratched one heavily cauliflowered ear and idly wondered why as he waited for Julie to go on. For her part, she seemed reluctant to say it.
Finally, she worked up the nerve. "I want you to take a team. Six security, six wizards. The best, even if you have to recall them from the other side. I mean, the best we have. Take them and go find Jerry, and assist him with whatever he needs. Here," she reached into the pocket of the jacket slung over one arm and produced a compass.
"What's this?" Bill asked, accepting the compass.
"It will lead you directly to him. He gave it to me once, in case..."
"In case you needed to get laid?" Bill asked, his expression still all business. "I'm sorry, that sounded bitter. I mean, I don't understand why you'd need to find him."
"In case I needed to have him killed," Julie blurted out. "He made it and gave it to me. I think he made a few and gave them to the people he trusted."
"And he trusted you with one," Bill said. Julie winced.
"I'm not jealous," Bill said.
"What?" Julie asked.
"I'm not jealous, I said. I know you two used to have some kind of a thing going, and I know he's probably some kind of inhuman lover. But I can live with the fact that you were his sidepiece for a while."
Julie winced again.
"Sorry," Bill said. "My mouth is bad at translating what's in my head sometimes. I just mean to say that I've never had a problem with you and him working together, or even being friends. I know there wasn't any... Romance there."
"Are you... Is there romance here?" Julie asked him in a quiet voice.
"I sure as shit hope so, or I'm in for a really bad time," Bill said. He wanted to say something else, but it was hard to just jump to that.
Julie giggled.
"What?" Bill asked.
"Nothing, it was just something someone said to me earlier today."
She stepped forward, her body pressed to his and kissed him.
"I love you, Bill Martin," she whispered.
"I lo- Wow. Uh, I wasn't expecting that..." he muttered, his thick neck turning a bright shade of red.
"Sounds like maybe you were," Julie said.
"Motherfucker," Bill swore. "Julie, I've had a crush on you since the moment we met. At my interview. I saw you sitting there and afterwards, when I went home, I couldn't get that image out of my head. And I... I'm... I've been in love with you since that morning at the diner, when that asshat kept running his mouth."
Julie smiled at him. "So you love me?"
"Yeah," Bill said. Something snapped inside his chest and he seized her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. Her lips felt different, warmer, softer than he remembered. The skin of her cheeks under his calloused thumbs was smoother, fuller. The feeling of her body pressed up against his was...
It felt like coming home, he thought.
They kissed for a long moment before Bill drew back. "I uh..." he stammered.
"You need to get your team together," Julie said.
"Yeah," he responded, looking around as if they were here, waiting for him.
He clutched the compass to his chest. "I saw Michelle's report," he said. "From what she said, he's moving across planes."
"Stacey Compton is probably the most talented plane walker we have," Julie said. "And she's been working on the teleporter improvements. She should still be here."
Bill nodded. "I'll grab her. She got a rave review from one of the security teams when she was doing field work. Cool head under pressure. I still need to figure out the rest."
"You can leave in the morning, you know," Julie said. Bill met her gaze, and saw the twinkle there.
"The door's still open," he said.
"I thought you said there wasn't anyone left to disturb us..." Julie said teasingly. Bill grinned. "In that case, the couch in the lobby is bound to be more comfortable than my desk."
Julie took his hand and led him out of the office.
----
Bill woke up and froze, the unfamiliarity of his surroundings speeding up his heart. But only for a second. He recognized Julie's bedroom. His hand brushed her sleeping back as the memories of last night returned. His eyes went to the dresser, where his handgun, wallet, and a small compass were laid out.
They'd had dinner, then come back here and enjoyed their third tryst of the day before falling asleep in each others arms. He remembered the words they'd shared, and tried them out again on her sleeping back.
"I love you," he said. Julie murmured something and pulled the hand he'd placed on her hip down over her belly. He gave her a moment to cuddle, then gently extricated his hand and climbed out of bed. He jumped in the shower and washed quickly. A small pump bottle of brightly colored body wash-slash-shampoo and conditioner, obviously marketed to men, sat unopened to one side, so he cracked that one and used it.
He climbed out and dried himself off, and found Julie still asleep when he emerged. She'd rolled onto her back and lay stretched out on the bed, her hair a chestnut halo around her head, like some kind of angel. He considered snapping a picture, but the blankets were tangled around her knees, and he didn't want to do something that would piss her off, like taking nude photos of her sleeping. But he really wanted to remember this, so he stared for a long moment before getting dressed.
"Mmm, leaving?" Julie murmured as he pulled his boots on.
"Was gonna wake you up, see if you wanted to get breakfast before I go," he said.
"Mmmmmmm," she responded, her eyes still closed. She reached out and seized his forearm gently.
"Mmm, I love you," she said. Bill grinned down at her, barely able to stand how gorgeous and adorable she was.
"I love you, too," he said.
Her eyes snapped open. "I wanna get breakfast," she said.
"Okay, then come on," he replied.
She sat up, rubbing her eyes. "I need a shower," she said.
"Clock's ticking," Bill noted. She swung her legs out of bed, then slumped.
"Fuck the shower, you have to go, soon."
"Yeah," Bill agreed sadly.
"Okay, lemme brush my teeth, at least." She stood and padded into the bathroom, so Bill sat patiently on the bed and waited. She emerged a few minutes later. "Clothes," she said, then turned to the closet as if she'd just remembered that clothes were a thing. She dug out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and quickly pulled them on.
"I'll wear sandals," she said, grabbing a pair of large-framed sunglasses from her dresser. "Come on."
They went to a diner two blocks away that they'd visited a few times before. Breakfast was ordered, delivered and eaten, coffee was poured, fawned over, and drank quickly. Finally, Julie settled the bill.
"Bill," she said. "When you get there, tell him I'm sorry, okay? I was... Part of it was personal reasons. I kinda wanted to push him away. So you could..."
"So I could get closer?" Bill asked. she nodded.
"I'll tell him."
They stood and walked outside. At Bill's car, he stopped and turned. "Are you sure you don't want a ride home?"
"Yeah, this is a safe neighborhood. And I've still got that handgun in my purse. And it's only two blocks. You need to get moving, as much as I want to draw this out."
Bill nodded. He stroked her hair, then pulled some of it to his face and breathed deeply.
"Yuck," Julie said. "I haven't washed it."
"It smells like you," Bill said. "Best thing I've ever smelled."
"Ahh, that's right. We haven't been out for tacos yet," Julie said. Bill chuckled.
"You don't have any jewelry on," he said, disappointed. Julie cocked her head at him. "Is that a problem?"
"I guess not, I just... I wanted something of you. To bring with me. I'm damn sure I'm riding into a fight."
"Give me your knife," Julie said. Bill's eyebrows rose, but he complied, handing over the razor-sharp Benchmade he kept clipped to his belt. She unfolded it, seized a lock of her hair and chopped it off in a quick motion. Bill gasped.
"Your hair!" he said. Julie handed him the knife back and carefully began to tie the hair into a complex knot.
"I was about to cut it short, anyways. I like to change it up from time to time. Here," she handed him the small ring of braided hair, and he took it. Bill looked at it, then up at Julie.
"I love you," he said again.
Julie beamed at him. "I love you, too. Now let me go get in the shower. I've got to get to the office." She kissed him once on the lips and spun on her heels, striding away quickly. Bill climbed in the driver's seat and looked up to see she'd stopped and was watching him.
He raised the hair and kissed it. She smiled, blushed and turned away.

So the ER doc said not to get in the internet because I'm super high on Morphine, but I fell down the stairs today, ripped my rotator cuff, fractured my shoulder bone (idk which one) and they gave me a pain medicine shot and sent me home on morphine or hydrocodine, or something. Anyways, I feel super warm and fuzzy and I've decided that I like talking and that I love reddit. Ok. My wife says I have to go to bed now. I love you all, you all are very special.

Dear C
I watched dungeons and dragons today, bro, you would have loved this movie so much. Had a little cry in the bathroom because I miss you so badly! I wish I understood how you died, how can someone just fall out of bed and die! I really do hope you never woke up and wasn't in pain and alone.
I am so trying not to be mad at J, I know he was doing his best but how much I wish maybe he found you earlier, but could you have been saved?
Please send J a sign, he needs to know you are okay. Please let me know if I can trust A to be a friend, she is so confusing, darn dude how could you handle having her as carer for ten years!
Do you know how much I love you? I can't say loved, I will never stop loving you. Please know that I was going to ask you out on valentines day and I'm sure you would totally had said yes and wave your arms in happiness and just crack up laughing, you could always cheer me up when you laughed.
Love you always J

I'm psychotic, so take this with a grain of salt.
I'm very spiritual, and this started before the psychosis. Honestly, in those times, it was the only thing keeping me going. Since I can remember, I knew I had a promise to keep. There was someone I had to find, no matter what. Even little, I had trouble forming attachments, so I didn't have anyone I was close to besides my mom. I clung to this person I didn't know, and I thought of them every night. I wasn't even interested in any gender or romance, at this point. I just had this deep well of devotion I didn't know the source of. If I concentrated, I could FEEL them, always reaching out. Like they were screaming, "I need." started reaching back, concentrating on my own energy, towards them.
And then the dreams started. The brown haired boy. A boy my age who looks like my husband. In the first dream, he was naked in the snow. I gave him my jacket, held his hand, and we walked together. He was often naked, and I unfortunately know why, now. (The reason we weren't able to meet, sooner.) He always needed help in the dreams. Comfort. Guidance. I became increasingly protective. I felt like he needed me. I HAD to find him. I had promised. I knew in my heart I had promised him. In one dream, he was drunk and I put him to bed. I saw his back, and it ingrained itself into my memory. We were both far too young for alcohol, but more than likely he was high. I couldn't tell the difference. Another dream became a how-to instruction on his panic attacks. (Don't touch. Stay near, but a safe distance away. He'll want you when it's over. Low stimulation. Don't talk at him too much. Just guard, and don't let anyone come near him. Don't look at him if he cries. Just hold him when you can.) In another one, I had written "What's your name?" on a piece of paper, and hidden it under my pillow, hoping for an answer. In that dream, dozens of meetings flashed by, different people meeting for the first time, one always recognizing the other. (Meeting my husband was much the same.) I didn't get an answer, but written on a piece of paper in the dream read, "This is why I love you." I woke up with tears in my eyes. There were countless others. I always had nightmares. Really bloody, twisted, horrible nightmares. These dreams were my only reprieve, and I cherished them with my whole heart. I don't think I had any pleasant dreams that weren't about him.
I dreamt about him for a little over six years, and then I met him when I was eighteen. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, meeting up at a McDonalds to go downtown together. I fell immediately, and I fell hard. I KNEW him. He knew me. We spent a while trying to figure out how we knew each other, but came up short. (I kept calling him a completely different name, by accident, one I thought I remembered.) He was nothing like I imagined. To be frank, he was a man whore. He plucked cherries like he worked on an orchard. He was VERY experienced. More experienced than anyone his age should have been. He was energetic and excitable and practically vibrated with nervous energy. He made friends easily and got attached to people way too quickly, while still being aloof and catlike. He always wanted my attention when I was around, and kept trying to impress me (and making an endearing fool out of himself in the process). And I was totally taken by him. We both learned very quickly that I could read him like an open book. His feelings stabbed me like knives. I knew if he was sad, anxious, happy, angry, upset, stressed, because I felt it, too. It wasn't my own, but I also felt it. I used this to give him outs when he needed breaks, to comfort him when he wasn't well, to give him anything he needed. I lost my virginity to him two years later, and he had the same distinctive marks on his back. He's also the only one I've ever been attracted to. I had one boyfriend before him (and I cried and cried and apologized to my mystery person who couldn't hear me, but I was lonely) but I wasn't attracted to him. I loved him, but I didn't even know what attraction WAS. I still had the dreams when my boy as away, always running, never in one place, but they were him now. The boy had a face and name. I still felt his pull. "I need."
We dated on and off for the next ten years. It was... A very bumpy road. His anxiety only got worse with time, and life jaded him even more. I was always there when he needed me, just a text away. We were never on bad terms. He was just a kid, and was convinced he wasn't good enough for me. So I waited. I didn't want anyone else if it wasn't him. I had told him that, once, when he had come back to me again after a bad relationship left him in pretty bad shape, both physically and mentally. (He was so thin it looked dangerous, he had new medical problems, he always looked miserable and exhausted, and he had a lot of new baggage.) He eventually moved away to another state. He came back to visit family on his third year out of state, and decided to move back when he saw me again.
We moved in together, and that's that. I spoil him. I can't help it. He's just so cute. He's getting needier over the years. He still never asks me for anything unless he has to, too shy to ask for help, but not too shy to be an absolute pervert. So I just offer. All the time. Anything and everything. Or I just do. He showers me in affection and attention, so I am LIVING. Most importantly, he's patient with me when my head goes funny. No one's ever been this good to me. It's so nice. We've been living together for three years, now, and the less-than-pretty parts just make me wanna hold and love him even more. (His attacks are far more frequent than they used to be, and he has sensory meltdowns that I didn't know about. Sometimes he gets really listless and tired for a while, or suddenly gets clingier. He's really moody at times and it frustrates him. He doesn't get sick often, but when he does it's bad, and he can't sleep at all, unless I stay up all night, myself, to keep him asleep, which I always do. He drinks too much, if I let him. I'm making sure it doesn't go too far.) I wanna protect him. I want to coddle and spoil him. Buy I wanna keep him safe, like I promised, so I have to be stern, too. Make sure he eats right, that he goes to his doctors appointments, that he showers, I got him to stop smoking cigarettes... He's honestly a lot to care for, but so am I, and I love doing it. He's gotten so much healthier. I keep feeding him, and he keeps getting bigger, but I can't keep fat on him at all. It's just muscle. On anyone else, I'd find it scary. But he just looks so soft to me. I'm... I'm doing a good job caring for him, I think. I hope so.
So yeah, I still feel him. He says it's like I can read his mind. (I can't.) It really comes in handy, because speaking up is hard for him when he needs something. He's absolutely shameless, until it comes to asking for help, so I'm glad I always seem to know what he needs.
Anyway, I rambled on, but honestly I just always wanna talk about him. He's just so special to me. Fate and the spirits themselves brought me to him, at the earliest possible time. My life honestly hasn't been great, but I can't help but feel like the luckiest person alive. I found him. My person. My literal dream guy. He's my purpose. He's my everything. I'll die before I let him go.

Should I respond to a bumble match that I set up a date for if they started acting weird over text. Like asking how my day was.....5 times. Then I say I'll try calling them tomorrow before the date and that I'm off to bed and they say I can call them to say goodnight? I stupidly say sure.... They let it go to voice mail. Then they text me back 2 hours later at 1130 pm!!!!I can just like delete this right, I don't need to waste my time on a reason as to why I find them weird as shit?!

TL;DR at the bottom.
My (32f) husband (34m) and husband’s daughter (16f) have 3 dogs. We each “own” one. I’ve worked from home for 3 years, and all of the dogs have been adopted since Jan 2022.
I was under the impression that the dogs were a shared responsibility, but since I worked from home I took a bigger role on their care without hesitation since I LOVE dogs and was already with them day in and day out.
The “mandatory” care includes feedings (morning and evening), baths, vet appointments, basic manners training, kenneling at night/letting them out in the morning, making sure trash is picked up so they don’t eat something they shouldn’t and die, kenneling/putting the husky mix (my dog) outside in our fenced backyard when no one is around to supervise because she has separation anxiety and chews when alone (shoes, sentimental items, the fucking couch, EVERYTHING). The “fun” care is giving them a million bajillion kisses, cuddles, scrunches, stupid songs I make up about them and sing to them, treats, etc. I’ve known the majority of their care has fallen on me, but had no complaints because working from home made it no biggie and brought me joy to love on them throughout the day.
Over the last year, my husband and I have gone out on many date nights. Before leaving, I feed and put the dogs in the backyard because I know they’ll be unsupervised without me there. Numerous times we come back home to a chewed couch cushion because daughter decides to let them in while we’re gone and then locks herself in her room and forgets that they’re inside. I get chewed out because the husky mix is “my” dog and my responsibility. In my mind, I did my due diligence by putting her in the back yard away from things to chew, and it’s not my fault she was let back inside.
Daughter loves sleeping with “her” dog (chihuahua mix), and I think it’s sweet. Problem is, is that she lets her sleep in the bed, then goes to school, leaving her on the bed with her bedroom door closed. Her bed is tall, so the dog could injure herself if she tried to jump off the bed to the floor because of how small she is. The only reason she would try to jump off the bed is if she needed to relive herself. When working from home, before logging in to work (which is about 15-30 mins after husband takes daughter to school), I would go into her room, grab the dog, smother her in kisses, take her outside, and feed/water her. It silently bothered me a bit that she does none of the “mandatory” care and only participates in the “fun” care, but figured since I was home it wasn’t that big of a deal, and I love the dog so didn’t mind caring for her in the slightest. Just wished his daughter would provide more care and practice some responsibility since it’s “her” dog.
This week I got called into the office indefinitely. The first few days I did my normal care in the morning (outside, food, water, good morning smooches and pets), and came home and did the evening routine. Last night I came home later than anticipated, rushed out for date night with my other partner (poly, don’t judge and has no impact on scenario) and spent the night there. I went to work straight from my partner’s house. Came home and one of the dogs (husband’s dog) wasn’t hanging out with me like he normally does. I didn’t think much of it until a few hours of not seeing him, so I looked around for him. Found him staring at his food bowl outside, looking sad as fuck. Immediately fed him and he was back to his normal self. He’s very food motivated, but normally he’ll come whine for food vs be absent, so was definitely weird.
I texted our family chat asking if either of them fed the dogs this morning, and the response I received was “No I don’t think so.” I responded with “K. My bad I didn’t say anything about it, but now that im in the office i need yall to feed/water them when I’m not home. I.e. staying the night at [partner’s] house, a trip, ect.” I feel that was a chill response, but I’m honestly boiling inside and really angry.
Im thinking back to every time they’ve bragged about “their” dogs being awesome and how they love them so much, but have 0 to do with their “mandatory” care and can’t even feed them without me asking them to in my absence. I’m not even sure if they were fed last night, meaning they went 24 hours without eating because I wasn’t home for them like I normally am.
I’m angry that every time any of the dogs does something bad (chewing, accidents in the house, etc.) that it’s my fault, even though I’m the only one actually trying to find solutions and train them.
I’m super sad that I can’t spend all day with them like I did when I worked from home (which is all they’ve know) and feeling like no one else in this house cares about them enough except for me.
I feel mad at myself for assuming my family would feed the dogs at the bare minimum because I have taken on that duty.
This can’t happen again, and feel like unless I send reminders to care for the dogs every time Im away that it’ll happen again. I feel my original text is too nice and won’t elicit change, trying to figure out what to say/do from here. Any suggestions are welcome! Also, if you think I’m irrational and unfair, please explain why and provide feedback. Yeah I’m venting, but also looking for solid advice on what to do from here.
TL;DR I take care of my family’s dogs, was gone for a night and discovered that since I didn’t remind others to feed the dogs that they went hungry and I’m pissed off. What should I do?

I used to take my 300 mg before bed. Done this for years. Recently I realised that it would have a better effect if I split the dose, so I also took a dose or two durring the day. But thats not so simple as it sound. I now take 150 in the morning, 75 in the afternoon and 75 before going to bed. I have been doing this for about a week.But when I wake up - early - I feel sick: sweats, shakes, hightened anxiety. Does any of you have experience with moving your dose?

I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and feel terrible about the drinking I've done. I found out around 3-4 weeks and had been more reliant on alcohol than I'd like to admit. If I stopped I wouldn't have withdrawals or anything but I certainly liked my drinks. I found out right after my vacation ended and did everything under the sun in those first 3-4 weeks that are no-nos. Plenty of drinking, sushi, loaded caffeine drinks. After finding out I told myself that a drink or two wouldn't hurt here and there after a quick Google search and I grabbed a couple 99 single shooters and had four? I think? In the span of 6 hours at around 5 weeks, and a beer on st Patty's day and a single beer after a couple stressful days. What I am truly scared about is that recently, about 9w4d in I went out with friends for the day and grabbed two more shots of the 99 single shooters, had the first (on a full stomach) then the second about 2 hours later. Then had a 9% abv (from what I could google) fat Tuesday drink consumed over 2-3 hrs (about another 1.5 hrs after the second shot) and then about 3 hours later I had a single 5% beer over the course of 3 hours. It wasn't until that night in bed that I realized just how much I drank and didn't know about the risks of shots versus slow low abv drinking until after I stressed googled. I thought I'd be able to enjoy a drink here and there while pregnant but am beginning to realize that while some women can and are comfortable, I am truly not. The guilt is truly wracking my brain and I am so so worried I've hurt them without knowing about the full risks :/ From what I find it seems the 1st trimester is the worst for exposure whereas I thought it was the least. Please do not judge me, I am doing my best and made mistakes early but am resigned to stop now for the rest of the pregnancy. I simply cannot handle the guilt, even over a simple beer or glass of wine. At 7w5d weeks my ob said she wasn't worried about these previous consumptions and really didnt show much concern over my vaping habit as well (which I still do but am tapering down with a goal to quit by 12 weeks) but that was before my recent, irresponsible escapade. Just looking for anything judgement free to ease my mind a bit more and some anecdotal stories to help. Any studies found or advice given by midwives/obs are absolutely welcome as well. Also, I have read expecting better by Emily Oster but am still worrying to death :/ Thank you in advance.

• a stressed, regretful, irresponsible mom :/

This is a throw away account
Also English is my 2nd language so please excuse my errors and grammar.
So to start I [26m] have been in 2 relationships in my life time. My first ex cheated on me physically and emotionally and it lasted about 10 months, 2nd ex was the longest relationship I ever had which was a span of 5 years. We started dating when we were college and I really thought she was the one I was gonna spend my life with but when I found out that she was already cheating with her co-worker it broke me because I had already thought of proposing to her. When I confronted her she made up excuses like any other person would say like I didn’t give enough attention, I neglected her, or I wasn’t satisfying her. It hurt because she was talking behind my back with this guy and it revealed a side which I never thought my ex was capable of. But all that was 6 months ago so I’m slowly recovering.
My problem is that lately I have been hanging around with my friend group going to bars, clubbing, and just y’know chilling. I have friend named John[28m] and he is a “player” which in other words that people call him is a“fuck boy” every time when our group is hanging out I see him walk off our leave with women and y’know all that stuff. Now my problem isn’t that he is leaving with a girl or women every time we’re hanging out my problem is that every women he flirts with are either married, in a relationship, or have partners.
I voiced my opinion to the group and asked what they thought about it, they just brushed it off saying it’s not their problem and that it’s messed up but they can’t do anything.
I asked John why he did it and that if he ever felt guilty that he is screwing around with married women and potentially ruining someone’s marriage. And he’s like (his words)
“Hell no, why tf should I care they came to me if they really loved there husbands or bf they wouldn’t have screwed around with me, plus somebody’s gotta satisfy them. You can easily pick women up just talk about there relationship and talk about there flaws and use that as leverage and they will give in”
I’m not sure what the feeling is but every time I hear about someone cheating guy/girl I feel dread, or empathy. It’s a feeling I can’t describe but I feel anger and sadness about cheating. I read about it on Reddit and every time I read it I just feel sad for the person that got cheated on.
-Notable problems that I see are either-
They met someone else while in a relationship
Failed to communicate
Sex life is going horrible
Or they are either under the influence or irresponsible
No trust
and the list goes on.
Now what my friend said got me curious so I thought about experimenting. I’m considered a somewhat handsome,or a cute face like most girls say and I lost a lot of weight after HS. I had a line men body half fat and half muscle but I lost all that fat since I was motivated to lose it. So I used that as advantage to flirt with women or girls that were in a relationship 90% of the time it would work and then 10% it wouldn’t. The ones that did work talked about their problems in their relationship and all that stuff and I just sat there listening and when the time came either her or I would offer to go to each others apartments. If the women asked I would respectfully decline and just make up some excuse and if I asked I would just come up with another dumb excuse. They would give me there number but I wouldn’t contact them.
In the end this got me thinking that this can happen to anybody that no matter how good or bad it is there will always be flaw and that flaw will determine the guy/girls action.
This is where my mistake happens I went to a fancy dinner party where all branches of my work met together and we ate and danced. I was just drinking until I met a women named Scarlet[37f] and I tell you she was a really beautiful women she had beautiful hair,good body figure, nice smile and a good sense of humor. And y’know we just started talking and then it went to flirting then we just danced. I was getting stares from other men because apparently she was considered a top value worker in her branch and I guess they wanted to dance with her but she refused and stayed with me. Then next thing y’know we’re making out in my car then we go to my apartment and then I guess y’know what happens.
That morning we just stayed there laying in bed talking about what happened.
(We considered it the best sex in our life’s)
Then she dropped a bombshell she was married but before I could say anything she started crying because she never thought she would do the same thing her husband did.
Apparently her husband had cheated on her and she showed me picture of him sexting with a other women. And it was her idea to see if they could fix there marriage but that every time she tried to be intimate with him she felt sad or she felt that it didn’t feel the same anymore.
I guess I’m just here because I feel guilty and scared about the idea of being betrayed again.

Heloo Im looking into buying aeth cheaper bedding as shes currently using a mix of fatpouches's paper bedding as well as niteangel's aspen flakes which bring our average bedding total to be around $99.
Ive seen people using JUST wood based bedding and their hams seem fine with it so Im wondering what the pros and cons would be if I changed her bedding to just soft aspen shavings? I know it'll be quite dusty and I might have a harder time spot cleaning but what else?

I just feel like I need some South Park before I head off to bed. Tomorrow is Friday, so I can also always just wait and try watching it tomorrow - I’m just wondering
I could also just watch an episode

It's been a stressful week so far, would really like to have a genuine chat, Caucasian lady here, 5'4ft tall, about 125lbs, brown eyes. Just home, bed's empty, and it's a good opportunity to be weak and vulnerable. I'm not sad but I realized I was too tired my eyes are tearing up endless. Some kind words and warm hugs would be much appreciated at this moment.
​
You free to spare me some time?

Hello my name doesn’t matter but I do need some guidance from you folk that’s been through my path. I have a wife that has a pretty long history of being unfaithful. Same here I’m not going to act like a saint. Anywho so we have 2 kids together under the age of 10. Both in our mid 20s not married legally.
I’m struggling with a woman that one night has no respect for me whatsoever, from telling me I’m no good in bed to I don’t care if you leave me. And all other ugly things you can imagine.
During the day she acts like she cares but I don’t trust her one bit at all. Just a few days ago I caught her talking to other men and went as far as telling her female boss we were separated.
Now I’ve tried to talk to her multiple times but she’s not a person that’s easy to talk to, she hardly says anything. So no closure or anything good that I can get off a conversation that goes no where.
Please help a fella out

Trigger warning please don’t read post if triggered by eating problems or negative thoughts.
Hi everyone I hate to bother y’all but lately I been holding on by a thread barely making it, I had to go online school again because of my anxiety and depression I have gender issues I go by she/they but was born m so that being said it can be hard with dealing with the fact I hate my body, but there has been so many problems that I have been dealing with lately like we have constant lice problems now because of some family members moving in and on top of that I have a hurt toe like my toe has a messed up nail we got it fixed then the other side of the nail got messed up and now we have to go get that fixed and on top that my bed is broken so I have been sleeping on a broken bed for a while and it hurts but we cannot afford a new one at the moment from my knowledge and on top of that I am having skin problems under my arm and on top of that I had dental problems had to get a root canal my sleeping problems and eating problems are a mess and these issues are just the topping on the cake.
I know I should focus on the positive or whatever and I know other people have worse problems then this but honestly all these issues at once I feel like I’m going in a downward spiral and idk what to do I want to give up.
Thank you for reading my very stupid and chaotic post if you have advice or anything please share. Thank you hope y’all have a good day.🖤🖤

I’ve been on lexapro for 3 years (started low and worked my way up) for the past 2 years I’ve been taking 20 mg. Recently my anxiety has been absolutely kicking my ass so I reached out to a doctor since I just got healthcare. She recommended cross tapering off lexapro, and starting 25mg of Zoloft, as well as some buspars.
I’ve been putting this off because the last time I stopped lexapro (against my will, I was put in jail for 2 weeks and they cut me off for 11 days) I was an emotional wreck and crying over a peanut butter banana sandwich (yes, this actually happened). But, I decided to take the plunge tonight.
My anxiety is probably playing tricks on me (obviously) and I just feel so strange. I just hope after this taper is done I can feel somewhat normal again. It’s getting so tiring having anxiety attacks at home, at work, before bed, and even waking up from one out of a dead sleep. Literally accentuates every little thing, like: “oh I feel something off in my chest” “my heart is pounding” “is my pulse okay” “I’m dizzy” etc.
I just need this to calm down. It’s taking a toll on me.
I may update with progress weekly or bi-weekly.
I just wanted to share to offer some common ground for folks who might be experiencing something similar.

A little bit of back story: So the house I’m currently living in has definitely come with it’s fair share of paranormal occurrences. Everything between seeing an actual figure walking down the hallway, to picture frames moving when I enter a room and turn on the lights, to a situation where my roommate reported hearing my voice beckoning him out into the living room.. while I wasn’t home. None of us have ever really gotten a sinister feeling during these occurrences and kind of just tried not to dwell on them or talk about them in the house as not to provoke/encourage whatever it is that is occupying the house.
The cough drop event: This happened about 20 minutes ago. I’m sitting in bed watching tv and on the wall in which my tv sits against is a periodic table. As I’m focused on the television I notice a blue glimmer of light on the periodic table that appeared for a split second and was gone by the time I shifted my focus from the tv to the poster. I shrugged this off as my imagination or just a glitch in my brain. About 10 minutes later I get up to grab a drink from my desk and notice there is a cough drop sitting next to me in my bed. Now I keep an extremely tighty room and unless I’m sleeping my bed is always made and I lounge on top of the comforter. Im not sick and haven’t carried or used a cough drop in well over a year. Furthermore the cough drops I do have in a drawer in my room are a separate brand. About 10 minutes before I noticed the cough drop I had just gone to the kitchen to grab some snacks. So I thought MAYBE there were cough drops in the cupboard and one somehow stuck to the package of one of the snacks. I knew this was extremely unlikely as the snacks I got were purchased recently and had no sort of adhesive anywhere on them. Nevertheless i wanted to true and debunk the weirdness of the situation. I go to the cupboard to see if there are any loose cough drops (the cupboard is above eye line above the fridge). Nothing. I then ask my roommate if he has any cough drops of that brand in the house to which he replies that he has ZERO cough drops in the house of any kind. I’ve tried playing out every possibility of how this random cough drop could have managed to appear next to me in bed and I just can’t.
I’ll post pictures